Episode 15: Stealing First Base

Oh dear God not this one. Yes while the previous three episodes are the bottom of the barrel this episode is the highlight (or lowlight) of the decline in this season. While my last three I bashed the writers I have to admit with John Frink he's really a hit-or-miss type of guy. He's not that good of a writer but he has enough good episodes to sorta cancel out the bad ones. Either way I hate this episode and let's get to reviewing rock bottom.

We start with a pointless scene of Homer showing us he cannot use a GPS (And Lisa can still be a prick when she wants to be). After Bart gets to his class (in the school that was destroyed last week)(Status Quo is God?) he finds out that Mrs. Krabappel is out and their class has to merge with the other fourth grade class (Why am I getting "Recess" deja vu?). After a drawn out process of each student finding their version in this class, Bart sits next to Nikki. I hate this character more than words can describe so I'm going to refer to her as Bipolar Bitch (BB). Speaking of characters that I'm not going to call by their given names, Lisa is handed back a test to which she just spazzes out after getting such a low grade.

I can fly! I can fly! I can... *SPLAT*

Lisa so out of character in this entire episode I will not call her Lisa, from now on her name is Bipolar Nause (Because gratuitous British is COOL! ....a nause is an annoying person)(It's the only way to describe this Lisa look-alike). Bart insults BB's Twilight knock-off (The only part of this episode I like)(Despite cultural relevancy, even I'll let this one slide) as BB begins to like Bart and stops being mean to him after he shows her that he slipped the animators an extra 50 to make him a good drawer. We then cut to Bipolar Nause moping outside about the whole prospect of getting one F and how she'll never get into Harvard *1 stupid satellite joke later*. People then want to be friends with Bipolar Nause because they realize she's been knocked down a peg and now she's cool to them (I was teased when I got my first F but whatever).

Lisa: I'm sad because I got a bad grade. Now I'm happy because of that grade. Now I'm depressed because I'm smart.

After Ms. Hoover gives Bipolar Nause her real grade of A+++, the kids then start mocking her again (And back to the alcohol). Bart then decides to talk to Homer about BB to which Homer sends Bart to Grampa. Grampa suggests that Bart should steal a kiss from BB to see if she likes him back. We then get to see our action movie scene spoof (I don't know and honestly I don't care). So at the end of that scene, we see Bart kiss BB as she spazzes out and Bart just rolls away (Smooth Grampa, real smooth).The point of all that is for BB's parents to take that ONE incident and demand that there be an affection-free environment rule for the entire school *Downs a bottle of Prozac followed by a bottle of Jack Daniels*.

I'll see to it that no child actually acts like one. What is this a public school?! *scoffs*

Where do I begin? This plot is STUPID!!!!! Also, if this is an attempt to "Point out a problem that's been overly exaggerated" it fails as well, to me this is just as stupid if not more stupid than when Marge went to health food; writers, stick to simple stories because these more complex stories are out of your league (Really, I know about these 'no-touch' rules in some schools, but they're so absurd as to be their own parodies. We don't need an episode about them!). Moving on, Homer and Marge tell Bart to stay away from BB as they will be sued if he gets near her (I need Excedrin). After a boring, drawn out Itchy and Scratchy (Movie short, I guess, in 3-D no less) Bipolar Nause decides to write in her blog about how being smart sucks and Oh God where's my booze?!(I drank it after just READING that) As she gets a comment from a FLOTUS1 (Symbolism!) telling her to keep being smart.

The Simpsons, in 3-D. Now the stupidity can jump off the screen.

During the assembly meant to show the new rules, Chalmers points out how stupid this plot is (Hey that's my job!) and we get a somewhat funny but overdone act of Skinner and Willy "recreating" the event that got Bart in trouble which includes them kissing each other (For hours)... uh-huh. Moving on, the next day BB appears in Bart's locker and now likes him again and she kisses him (There aren't enough swear words I can use to describe my hatred for this episode). So later that day Bipolar Nause is still moping and being unlikable when out of nowhere, a helicopter comes in and reveals Michelle Obama. Apparently she came to Springfield Elementary so she could tell Bipolar Nause that she should be herself because she was an overachiever and there's nothing wrong with being an overachiever.

Michelle: That's right Lisa. I decided to waste thousands in taxpayers money to tell you it's ok to be smart

Lisa: That's ok but couldn't I have figured that out? I mean my character is pretty spiritual, I think I could have coped.

Michelle: Say didn't you get emo over an A+++?

Lisa: I'll shut up now.

*Goes into a rage* WHAT THE FUCK!?!? Is anyone really buying this?! We are in a recession and the President felt like this was a good use of taxpayers' money?! A trip by the First Lady to tell a little girl that she should remain smart?! The same little girl who never seems to have friends and always sticks to her values even if they aren't popular. This is BULLSHIT! I've never seen such a stupid plot ever in my life! And for her to get all this praise FOR WHAT?! Being the wife of the first Black president? It's really sad that people think Michelle Obama actually means something in today's society I mean not even the Chancellor of Germany (Angela Merkel) doesn't get this attention and she actually DOES SOMETHING! (Hey, this is the U.S. of A! That's all the qualification needed!) I'm this close to cracking people, this close. Moving on, after several hours of drinking and, oh wait the review.

There's nowhere to run, no one can save me, the damage is done

Bart and BB are up on the roof, and Bart falls off after BB can't keep the same mood for more than 5 seconds. After an annoying reminder of the new rules, BB grabs Bart and gives him CPR (Or the writers believe a kiss because as we all know CPR is just kissing the victim. I didn't work hard so I could save a life just to have my CPR training mocked *grumbles*). We then get a montage of random kisses from TV and the movies (So if I were to eat a hamburger while in that spot, would I see the process of the burger being made?)(Of course not, silly; you'd get Good Burger flashbacks!). Bart starts breathing again and the episode ends with BB still mocking Bart about he doesn't know girls (neither do the writers) as she kisses him one last time prompting him to say "I love you!"

Why couldn't we see more of these two? They're FAR more interesting than either of the plots.

Oh, and I forgot to mention Nelson befriends a blind kid that has no real purpose on the plot but seems more interesting anyways.

Final judgment: THIS EPISODE IS SHIT!! I can't believe this was even made, the main plot was horribly written, the subplot had way too much character derailment and all around STUPID! The only thing worth seeing is about 1.5 minutes of Nelson and the blind kid and even that's pushing it.

Final Grade: 1.8/10 Thanks, writers, for this trip down shit lane.