Friday, September 30, 2011

Episode 2: The Homer Of Seville

You know, alternating between Season 19 and Season 23 these next few months is starting to look like alternating between a balpeen hammer to the knees and a knife to the gut, neither is pleasant and you'd like to avoid them. But I know I have to get season 19 out of the way at some point, so might as well get it out of the way now and come out of this a better man. With all that out of the way, let's take a look at "Homer's unknown talent but now an expert at: #238" or better known as The Homer of Seville.

So after a long opening scene (2 minutes 6 seconds) we see Church letting out as the family rush to get out of there quickly. After driving around looking for a place to eat Brunch (While listing off the restaurant names, eh they're hit and miss) they see a catering van outside someone's house, Lisa points out how it's someone's house, but Marge decides that she's going to be dickish and decides to go there anyways (Ow that hurt, how is it possible that I would have preferred it to be Homer who decided to eat there. That would have been more in character, albeit 'Jerkass Homer' but it still would have made more sense). Inside, the family act as inconspicuous as a drunk guy on a bus. After the family pigs out a bit, they notice a huge crowd around a certain area, naturally it must be the Sundae bar as Homer acts as jerkass as possible before revealing the area is a coffin and they crashed a funeral (Wow, this is rather low, even for their standards). When they realize this, Marge tells everyone to act sad, she says this while in front of everyone so they can hear her (Um, hi writers, I'm the viewer, I have this thing called a brain, it's a wonderful thing. I can see what's going onscreen and I can tell that everyone just heard what Marge said, regardless of what you think).
As long as we don't acknowledge them, they can't hear us, right?
So the family tries to leave (Bart tries some 'humor' with the corpse... I'm just going to show you how this scene is done right) and Homer is asked to be a pallbearer for the coffin. While carrying the coffin, Homer falls into the grave (Somehow, I don't know how, I don't know what goes through the writing staff's minds at time) while in the grave, Bart pours dirt over Homer (Can we get to a plot already? None of this shit is working, nor is it funny) At the hospital, Doctor Hibbert tells Homer that he has a back sprain as he decides to run some tests to realign Homer's spine, but Homer refuses in a singing voice (Okay, we have first signs of a plot, how far are we in? *6 minutes* That sounds about right for Modern Simpsons, we wouldn't want that pesky 'plot' thing ruining our filler, now would we?) Doctor Hibbert explains that when Homer's on his back, his stomach pushes his diaphragm in a way that gives him a great singing voice (Does this constitute as technobabble? Oh wait, apparently it does exist, still it's rather wibbly wobbly) Yeah forget all those other times Homer was on his back and he spoke perfectly normal (Such as when he was in the grave earlier this episode). I mean there's adding a new character trait for the sake of a plot, and then there's "Fuck it, we don't care", guess which this is?
I'm sorry, I thought you were the Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Doctor Hibbert then suggests that Homer start singing to help the patients of the hospital (You can't top Lisa and Bleeding Gum Murphy's performance) so Homer starts singing and as expected, everyone feels better when he's carted around (What is this, Pokemon?) and we see that he sings excellently when he's completely on his back, but not so well when he's sitting up (Didn't they do this already where Homer was a great singer but hit puberty and then sucked?) Mr. Burns hears Homer singing (He's there because he's looking in the morgue for organs) and when he sees Homer singing, he offers him a role at his opera house (Okay we're 8 minutes in and we have the actual plot now, even their padding is padded) At the opera, Homer performs while on his back and... that's pretty much it (There are small details, but it's not worth going into). The family congratulates Homer on his performance, which leads into a montage of Homer performing for various events (...Great, a montage *Sigh*) Afterwards, Homer finishes a performance and has a talk with Plácido Domingo where Plácido asks for Homer's advice on singing... am I allowed to stop caring at this point? 
It's nice to see that despite just becoming an opera singer, he's instantly the best
Later, Homer and Marge are out on their anniversary dinner as Homer gets harassed by some old ladies for his autograph and the dialogue from Homer couldn't be any less funny if he started talking about Nazis as great people (Seriously, the dialogue is TERRIBLE and so forced. It makes Dane Cook look funny in comparison, I'm not even exaggerating). Marge gets fed up with Homer's talk and leaves (Good idea, we should all do that right now *Realizes I'm bolted to my chair* nevermind, let's continue). Marge tells Homer that she doesn't like the new him and she wants more alone time with him, this is interrupted as Lenny and Carl come by in a limo but Homer tells them that they'll be walking (Oh and the writers imply that Lenny and Carl get it on with the two old women, charming). Marge and Homer then get chased by some opera fans as they get cornered in an alley. However, a Deus ex Machina, er I mean... nope I stand by that, arrives in the form of a motorcyclist who picks up Marge and Homer. After Marge offers the motorcyclist some coffee for saving them, she takes off her helmet to reveal that she's a woman (This isn't at all the least bit sexist the idea of them having to say that a woman driving a motorcycle is odd, ugh). Inside Julia tells Marge that she wants to keep the fans in line by being the president of Homer's fan club and Marge agrees (I would talk about how this sudden turn of events comes out of nowhere and is lazy writing at its worst, but it gets worse). 
And now he has hot women stripping for him... okay he's officially a Gary Stu now
After Marge leaves the room for a bit, Julia reveals her true intentions as she's a crazy fan who wants to have sex with Homer (Oh hi strange out-of-place plot introduced only 16 minutes into a 21 minute episode). After a scene of Julia doing her job, we get a montage of Julia being the one-dimensional sex-obsessed fan she is following Homer everywhere (Two montages in a single episode? Add this to the first 7 minutes of padding and we get the sacred formula for pure gold, oh wait that's the formula for shit, it's rather easy to get them confused). Homer tells Julia that they can never be together and this leads to Julia trying to kill Homer (Again, another out-of-place plot that comes straight the fuck out of nowhere and is introduced way too late to get real development). Later at the opera house (With the banner reading "The Barber of Seville" you know, when you explain where the title of your episode comes from, it kills the joke instantly, it's not some "Meta" joke or 4th-wall joke, it's just stupid). After Chief Wiggum assures Marge that they've taken the precautions to protect Homer (50 bucks on the fact that an assassination attempt is still taken) the opera goes on with Homer performing. Marge gets anxious and Bart notices the conductor has a poison dart, it's revealed that Julia is the conductor (Okay, HOW the hell did that happen? How did she get to be the conductor?) 
Yeah this makes sense considering who's doing the shooting
After some slapstick with Wiggum (Although that would imply it's funny) Julia shoots the dart, only to be intercepted by marge with a French Horn as the dart goes through the horn back towards Julia (Science!) After some more padding courtesy of the snipers (Funny at first, but the writers don't know when to stop) Julia is put in an ambulance as she does the whole "I'll get you next time" shtick with Marge (Blah, blah, blah, zzzz...) And the episode ends with Homer retiring from opera (What a shock) and deciding to paint a Simpsonized version of the Sistine Chapel (I guess that makes is 'Special talent #239')

Final Verdict: This episode was terrible, the filler was just awful, it felt like 5 minutes of plot and 16 minutes of filler (Give or take) the idea of storytelling is truly dead in this episode. The jokes were bad and some were just downright awful and the characters were not likable at all. Just really another generic, boring, stupid episode.

Final Grade: 2.1/10 Filler, filler, and more filler

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Falcon and the D'ohman in 5 seconds

As defined by Webster's dictionary
Subtle: Delicate; slight; not noticeable; difficult to define, put into words; ingenious

And now the writers know.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Episode 1: The Falcon and the D'ohman

Hi everyone, I had a great Summer, how was yours? But now that all comes to an end with this, what can I say about this? There are just so many things wrong with this episode and so few things right. Let's start off with the wrong

  1. Wrapping up a gimmick promotion that NOBODY cared about
  2. The writer's not even the same guy who wrote Ned-Liest Catch, if the staff doesn't care, why should we?
  3. 23 years?! For fuck sakes man, anyone who actually cares about this no longer watches, why doesn't Al Jean just flat out announce already that he hates this show so we can move on?
okay, okay, let's begin this episode.

The episode begins with Comic Book Guy at his desk telling America that the result of "Nedna" (Seriously? These guys actually thought that name was clever? They can burn in hell for all I care) will be announced in this episode and we should keep a lookout for it (In other words, just wait for the writers to have a scene short of Ned shouting "THE RESULT OF THE POLL WAS...." thrown at our faces like we have the brain capacity of a toaster). So after that half-assed introduction (The writers did not take note of how the end of The Ned-liest Catch was awful) Comic Book Guy leads us into the introduction which turns out to be a parody of a Police song (Edit: It was "Walking on the Moon") Oh and yes I noticed the SNPP joke, I would give a point for a shoutout, but it wasn't funny nor subtle, it would have worked much better as a freeze-frame or far background joke. After some more singing (And apparently Barney works at the plant... Why? You might be asking, because the writers are inept and could care less if their scenes make sense or have purpose) Homer punches in but decides he needs to help pad the running time a bit (And the writers aren't taking their time to piss me off this year, they're getting straight to the shit).
Look my name is Jack Bau- er I mean... screw it, just call me Jack
Homer then meets up with the security guard who turns out to be a different guy, Homer tries to befriend him (With some bad, unfunny dialogue) as he tells Wayne to fistbump him and he refuses and Homer decides to use the "As God as my witness" quote to say he will get Wayne to fistbump him (Hmm... my foreshadowing sense is tingling). We cut to Master Chef as apparently Marge won (I don't know how the show works, I've never seen it) and Tom Colicchio turns into a kitchen... *Checks room for drugs* Nope, it's not me, it's the episode. After that, Marge returns to reality where she gives Bart and Lisa the snacks she was making in her daydream. So I know what you might be thinking. Did that scene have ANY purpose? Nope, not one bit, you could have cut this scene and not changed a single line of dialogue or change any scene afterwards. Why did they even bother with this? The scene wasn't even funny, so you can't even justify it with "But it had a great joke". They put that ONE scene in the promotion like it actually meant something, but in reality it was just another "We can get any guest star we want, so suck it fans!" the shear laziness and lack of caring is mind-boggling, the writers just seem to find new ways to suck with each episode. After Bart and Lisa get pissed at Marge for being creative with her snacks (Anyone else feel like that's odd for Lisa in particular?)
This will look great for the promotion, now how many lines do I get again?
Homer comes in to tell Marge that someone at work doesn't like him... hang on a second, this is Homer's Enemy! Quick! Hide all Season 8 DVDs now, don't allow them to butcher that episode. Later, we see Homer driving home from work as he sees Wayne walking on the sidewalk and Wayne refuses to get into the car until the writer's laziness gets to him and he gets in. After a bit of unfunny banter in the car (~padding, padding, padding~) we go inside Moe's Bar as Homer continues to try my patience by being as annoying as possible (The purpose of this show is to make me laugh, right?) After Wayne goes to the bathroom, Snake just comes in via motorcycle and robs the barflies (You know, initially there was no real problem I could spot, however, Lenny appears to be missing while Snake is robbing them. I call that lazy directing). Moe however, decides to get his shotgun (While basically announcing that's what he's doing) and Snake is able to steal it from him (By the way, Lenny's back now). Wayne comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to kick Snake's ass (Interluded with horrible joke after horrible joke, ugh, let's move on). After Wayne finishes beating up Snake, Moe tells everyone to collect the jar eggs and Wayne notices that Snake is back up and he proceeds to throw the egg down his throat (Snake? Snake?! SNAKE!!!!)
Stay back! I'm a professional actor
At home, we see Wayne eating dinner with the Simpsons as a way of thanking him for saving Homer. Bart asks Wayne where he learned how to fight like that and Wayne explains that he had special training, as demonstrated in a long-as-all-hell-why-won't-you-fucking-end-you-long-ass-padded-out dream sequence (Seriously, it lasts for 50 seconds when it should have ended after 10 or 15 seconds). Wayne then wakes up and says he has to go, but not before Homer decides to bear hug him like the polar bear did in the dream sequence (Do the writers actually understand comedy, or do they just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and pray for some of it to stick?) After Wayne leaves (Using the impossible doorway, it might just be me, but the animation was crap there) Flanders drops by to tell Homer about "The big change in my life" as it turns out to be the fact that he now drinks orange juice with pulp (Okay a few things here, 1) That's a terrible joke 2) Why would Homer care? I'm surprised he didn't close the blinds as soon as he saw Ned).
Look Ned, nobody cared about your stupid relationship, now go away
The next day at work, Wayne shows up and is greeted by the media and interviewed for being a hero in last night's bar robbery (Oh and by the looks of it, it's being done live, with Homer and his family at home watching it, keep that in mind). Channel 6 decides to show the audience a dramatization of the events and... HOLY CRAP THAT'S BAD! I don't even know if the choppy 3-D animation is supposed to make fun of Taiwanese animation or not, but it just looks hideous, when 3-D animation from the early 90's looks better, you might want to quit. Anyways, as you might have expected, the scene goes on for far longer than it needs to be (Including a shoehorned GTA joke, I don't get why) and we cut back to Mr. Burns giving Wayne the "Silver Safety Hat" (Presented from the Ark of the Covenant, I don't know which would melt a person's head faster, opening the Ark, or watching this show some more). But apparently (Through flashback) the CIA tried to wipe Wayne's memory with a helmet and it failed, but because of his PSTD (I can only assume, his character is nonexistent at this point. Just throw any spy cliche and it'd be about as effective) he starts beating up Mr. Burns and other until Homer stops him (So Homer teleports now? I guess being an instant expert at everything allows for explosive teleportation as well). Wayne is fired and Homer offers him a place to live.
You want to be a king?! Here's your crown!!
Wayne is hesitant because of his PTSD (Again, we JUST learned about this, I wouldn't be surprised if he was just some homeless guy pretending to live the life of another guy) and Homer reassures Wayne through an unfunny Terminator dream (CONTEXT! Your jokes need context, you can't just throw a joke and say "Eh it's funny, good enough") So that night, we see Wayne in the treehouse as he's having nightmares and is keeping everyone up with his ramblings. Okay remember at the beginning Comic Book Guy said:
" The answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, 
like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crease"
Maybe this is too subtle
Much better
So let's see this "Carefully hidden" answer. We cut to Edna and Ned awake in bed together as Edna winks to the audience... FFFFFFUUUUUUUU- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! YOU FUCKING HACKS! Not only did they go with the less popular result (Honestly, like I said, I didn't care) but they treated their audience as if they have the brain capacity of a toaster. I've said it before, I'll say it in the future and I'll say it now, the staff has no clue what the terms "subtle" "satire" or "humor" actually mean. The fact that they thought that this could fly is bullshit and the idea that they think that they're adding clever funny stories to this show is just unspeakable. Ugh... let's move on. The next morning, Wayne apologizes for his ramblings and he reveals that he came to Springfield because it doesn't appear on any maps or charts (You know, the whole "Where is Springfield located?" isn't funny anymore, especially the way they do it). After a brief scene of Wayne teaching the kids some stuff he knows, Marge tells Wayne that she's not comfortable with the idea of him spreading his knowledge to her family, except when it comes to getting a better parking spot at the mall (Eh it's not nearly as bad as I made it out to be, to be honest).
Our hero; a psychotic nutjob who points guns at musicians
After a pointless scene where Bart fights the bullies, Wayne walks into Lisa playing a song as he has a flashback of a gunfight in a high class party (Again, he's not developed enough for us to care, I don't know why he became a spy, why he needed to run away, what that party had to do with anything. The writers are just throwing together spy cliches and hoping we care, and I don't) By the way, why is Grampa there? Oh right because his jokes weren't funny, my mistake. In Kiev, some important looking guy (um... name?) is looking through his e-mail (Which consists of a bunch of terrible internet jokes which aren't even funny now). He then finds a video of Wayne assaulting Mr. Burns (Which results in the line "Do you want to give it 0 stars?" okay, two reasons that joke fails. 1) The star rating has been defunct on Youtube for nearly a year 2) You couldn't give 0 star ratings. I know that's nitpicking, but if you're going to have a topical joke, make sure it at least WORKS) Back home, Homer's washing out the lawn (Don't ask) and he's approached by the man in a van. The man asks if Wayne has any friends and Homer says no causing them to drive away. However, he says he's a friend of Wayne and after a brief conversation (With unfunny dialogue of course) Homer's kidnapped (And his first concern is getting the middle seat... *Angry stare*).
Would you like to come into my van? I have candy
Later, Kent Brockman breaks the news of Homer being kidnapped as Channel 6 shows the hostage video of Homer, which is just a bunch of unfunny slapstick mixed with "Homer's an idiot", pretty much what you'd expect from 'Modern Homer'. This results in the Ukrainian gangsters beating the crap out of him (Thank you). Wayne sees the video and has a flashback to the party... oh God the flashbacks are starting to flashback in the episode itself, the episode's going to restart! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! In the same flashback, we get to see that Victor's wife comes into the ballroom because the room she was staying in was too dirty (Ahahaha, those women and their cleanliness, fuck off). Because she arrives, she is shot by a stray bullet and presumably dies. Wayne informs Marge that he's going to find Homer and he heads off to "Little Ukraine" (What was Sprooklyn just too populated to have a Ukrainian district?) After some unfunny store signs in the background (Which Wayne tries to hint at are funny, no Wayne, they aren't) he goes to an ice rink which has two guys with guns outside (Why bother being inconspicuous? Why not just have a neon sign while you're at it?) Inside, we see Homer frozen under the ice with a straw in his mouth to breath (I'm pretty sure he'd be dead from hypothermia alone, but hey what do I know?) After some gangsters do some ice skating tricks (Because that's what I think of when I think of Ukrainian gangsters, is it sad that I'm reminded of Mr. Freeze a bit from Batman and Robin?) Wayne arms himself with a shirt launcher, some shirts and lights them on fire.
Hmm... Mr. Freeze was a more threatening villain, this shouldn't be a problem
After he successfully takes down everyone but Victor (He must be saved for Homer to defeat) Victor points a gun at Homer (Now out of the ice) and Wayne and Homer decides he needs to warm himself up by hugging Victor, allowing Wayne to shoot him (Eh close enough). After that anti-climatic finish (And Homer jumping back into the ice water, stop reminding me of past shitty episodes, you're no helping your cause) Wayne decides he needs to leave. He says his farewells and even fistbumps Homer (Oh my God he actually did it! Wait, am I supposed to care? Sorry about that) but Marge decides that there's a place where "A sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home" (The circus?) No of course it's the DMV, who didn't see that a mile away? After a scene of him mouthing off Sideshow Mel, we get a scene of a play written by him honoring Kim Jong-Il (Why? I keep finding myself asking that same question). And so the episode truly ends with Edna and Ned thanking America for choosing "Pro-Nedna" (I've got 100 bucks saying the writers didn't actually tally up the votes and had this in mind the entire time) and Seymour comes in jealous that he wasn't an option.

Final Verdict: This was horrible, the jokes were non-existent, the plot was moronic and very rushed, the characters were not interesting nor funny, the Master Chef bit was utterly pointless and another middle finger to the audience, and the resolution of "Nedna" (Again I don't care about) was insulting to the audience. Maybe if this show was aimed for entertaining rocks, that would have flied, but not adults.

Final Grade: 1.5/10 Just horrible and painful to watch

Friday, September 23, 2011

Episode 1: He Loves To Fly And He D'oh's

Welcome to Season 19's series of reviews. Before I start, let me say one thing; I have little to no memory of this season. Perhaps that's a testament to how bad and forgettable this season was, but also I feel that it allows a fresh, unbiased take on the season. So let's begin this series with, of course, episode 1.

Before I begin, I'll talk about the opening sequence. As you probably know, Season 19 came right after The Simpsons Movie, so naturally, the staff decided to have a little shout-out to their own movie by having a special opening sequence. I'm rather apathetic towards it as it's not bad, nor is it really worth mentioning. To me it's just... there, let's continue. The episode begins with Mr. Burns and Smithers shopping as they decide to get a new cell phone for Mr. Burns. Okay a couple things I want to address here, first the name of the cell phone store isn't really bad, nor is it something you'll see mentioned by anyone 5 years after it airs. Secondly, there's a joke where the PA states: "Attention shoppers, IPhones now 20 cents" it wasn't funny when it first aired and it dates the episode terribly nowadays. That's one of the issues with Modern Simpsons, their topical jokes often lose comedic effect within a couple of months; if they're lucky, it'll be a year or two. I'll talk about this in detail in a future post. Anyways, it turns out Mr. Burns needs a new cell phone because he accidentally ate his old one. Yet again, I'll go into detail about this in a future post, but the idea of Mr. Burns having a cell phone is just wrong to me.
Who knew Mr. Burns was part dolphin?
Mr. Burns goes wandering off and notices a penny in a fountain, he hesitates at first to grab it, but after seeing Ralph act like an idiot, he decides he needs to take it before Ralph can (And Ralph is there by himself just because. This is a very common theme among these episodes). After Mr Burns gets caught in the water system (...somehow) he thinks he's going to die (See Burn's Heir for how this is done right). Homer comes passing along and picks up Mr. Burns from the fountain. Mr. Burns decides to reward Homer by taking him out to dinner. After Mr. Burns decides he needs to try to pick up the penny again (Because it was so funny the first time) we see Homer getting ready for dinner as Bart mocks him for going out to dinner with Mr. Burns (Ah yes, it's time for Jerk-ass Homer... * Unenthusiastic* yippee). So Mr. Burns offers to take Homer to Chicago for dinner as he reveals that they'll be going there via private jet (Okay we have the seeds for a plot, only took 3 minutes, and yet somehow this feels faster than the more recent stuff). However, the next two minutes are bogged down and spent on bad airplane jokes and a pointless cameo by Lionel Richie. Afterwards, Homer is forced off the plane by an extractor (Twice, because senseless violence towards Homer is always funny, right?) Mr. Burns and Homer walk through Chicago via montage (Oh thank God, for a minute I thought that the writers would actually be creative for a change).
Oh please tell me they're going in to get some real comedy
Afterwards, we get to see where all the writers came from as Mr. Burns and Homer go to a 2nd-rate improv theater (The audience there seems to laugh at whatever's onstage no matter how bad it is. My guess is that those people are usually the test audience for every episode). After Homer and Burns leave, Homer is dropped off at home by the extractor (Because it was so- you get the point). At home, Marge doesn't seem to mind that Homer was gone all night and has now been spoiled by one flight on a private jet (Has anyone seen the real Marge? This phony isn't doing a good job of impersonating her). The next day (I assume) Homer is sad because now he'll never get into a private jet again (Oh for fuck's sake, I just dealt with Lisa's whining, I don't need you to start now). Homer is then introduced to Colby Kraus who is voiced by... Stephen Colbert?! NO!!! Why Mr. Colbert? Why? You're awesome, what are you doing here? Wait! There might be hope for this now. *Checks writing credits* Actually nevermind, let's continue. So Colby is a life coach who was hired by Marge to help improve Homer's life (Why are you encouraging his selfish, spoiled behavior, Marge? Oh, right, because everything has to be about Homer getting what he wants, my mistake). Colby tells Homer that he's going to observe him do what he does normally which leads to some padding of Homer not knowing what he normally does (Ugh).
Homer, I'm here because I don't think your life is perfect enough yet
After Homer fails to put a sock on (I'm sorry, but is Homer's problem that he wants more or that he has a railroad spike lodged in his brain?) Colby tells Homer that he needs to concentrate better (Or something, I don't know these scenes are very underdeveloped). At the Plant (Which looks very sterile) Homer launches two staple in his head (What was the point of that? There was none, it's just "Homer+pain=funny" to the writers). At the Bowlarama, Colby discovers that Homer is much more confident when he's wearing his bowling shoes so he instructs Homer to wear them everywhere. After a montage of Homer being successful while wearing the bowling shoes (Two montages in one episode? It must be my birthday) Colby gives Homer the news that he's being offered an interview by a copper company that has a private jet (Oh right, THAT'S what the episode was supposed to be about, forgot about it for a minute). Colby informs Homer that he's going to call Mr. Burns to tell him that Homer quits (But he works there for Maggie, oh right, the writers don't believe in any continuity before season 10) and sends Homer off for his interview. Later, Homer comes home depressed but tells his family that he got the job (I know where this is going, and so can anyone with half a brain). The next day, Homer goes off for his first day as it's revealed that he doesn't work for them and he goes to Krusty Burger (This is accompanied by sad music. Are we supposed to feel bad for Homer or something? I don't his intentions are completely selfish and wrong).
This is why he needs the show to stay on the air
Later, Homer comes back and pretends like he's happy with his new job and basically says everything short of "I'm unemployed!" to his family (I don't get this, the episode makes it seem like we should feel bad for Homer, but in reality we shouldn't. If Homer applied for that job for the sake of better pay to support his family better, I could sympathize with him, but the reason he applied for that job is to be on a private plane all the time, he gets NO sympathy from me). The next day, the fourth grade goes to Krusty Burger (After a field trip. I don't know why Edna isn't there, but this has far more effort than The Scorpion's Tale in terms of why they are there. That's not saying much, but it speaks volumes to how much worse the show has gotten). Bart, of course, notices Homer and after poking his eye for a while (Pain+Homer=funny, right?) and Homer reveals to Bart that he never got the job. In a flashback, Homer didn't get the job because he didn't know anything about copper (I could name a handful of things that would prevent him from getting the job, but I'll accept the obvious one). After some padding showing Homer trying to get the job by force, he tells Bart that he couldn't bring himself to tell Marge about it. Bart tells Homer that Marge has been spending more money and he needs to tell her (It was a new job, not a better paying job to my knowledge).
Say that you LOVE ME! SAY! IT!
Homer calls Marge to try to break the news, but decides he needs to get deeper and deeper into this (Oh lazy sitcom cliches, will you ever learn?) At the airport, Homer gives a man hundreds of dollars so that he can rent a private plane to tell Marge the truth in the sky (Ugh, this is so stupid). During the flight, Homer tries to break the news to Marge, but the pilot falls asleep (Due to drugs... right...) and it's up to Homer and Marge to land the plane (Don't worry, Homer MS Simpson can do whatever he wants because he's got the power of lazy writing at his hands). After Homer 'hilariously' almost crashes into the ocean (Ow, that hurt) Marge pulls the plane up and decides to call Colby to coach Homer into landing the plane (Because it's just that easy to land a plane). After Marge tells him to help Homer (Okay, seriously, she paid their life savings to make Homer feel better about never getting on a private jet again? There's something called therapy I hear, it's much cheaper and much more efficient), Homer almost crashes into the Duff Blimp (Why? Just... why?)
I've played hundreds of video games, how much different could this possi- *Crash*
Colby then encourages Homer by telling him that someone said he couldn't land the plane (Again, it's just that easy). False tension ensues and Homer successfully lands the plane, however, that's not funny enough as Homer decides to drive the plane off the runway and into the water (Why does that sound like a bad Family Guy joke? Oh right, because it is). Homer and Marge are saved and Homer tells Marge that he can't risk his life like that again so he'll go beg for his old job back (You already have, DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER). Marge is accepting of this (Because having someone being disappointed with Homer would be unfathomable for the writers) and the episode ends with Lionel Richie trying to be saved, but cannot as his awards are holding him down (Why was he on the plane? Why does he have his awards with him now? Who knows, and who cares, certainly not the writers).

Final Verdict: This episode was rather mediocre, at times it felt okay, but as a whole it was boring and stupid. The jokes were rather bad, the whole plot of "Homer needs to get a job to get on a private jet" is rather bad and the guest stars were wasted.

Final Grade: 4.2/10 Very forgettable, but not terrible

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Elementary School Musical

Just 3 days left readers until season afraid, be very, very afraid

Friday, September 16, 2011

Worst of the worst: Lisa the Drama Queen-Part 2

Well, it's been a week since my sanity snapped. I've begun pulling what hair I have left in clumps, and all knives, medication, and blunt instruments were removed from the premises. Also, the asylum has told me that one more freakout like last week and I'll be getting a lobotomy, so this will be a much calmer review. Fortunately, I've been able to recover and I feel brand new, so let's finish this abomination and put this chapter of my reviewing days to rest.

So where were we? Oh right, Lisa had lost her own marbles and went into a hallucination with Juliet. *Sigh* Now, I said last time I'd get back to why I hate Juliet. This episode was improperly named; it's JULIET who's a drama queen, not Lisa. She flips out over not being able to play her own music and later ends up freaking out whenever Lisa hesitates about joining her in her delusions. Everything MUST be about what she wants, and, for this, she ends up derailing Lisa's character without adequate reason. Why is she so unbalanced? Because the Juliet of Heavenly Creatures was! The difference is, the reason for the mental imbalance is elaborated upon in Heavenly Creatures; in The Simpsons, it's because Juliet's just a brat. Ugh... Anyhow, Lisa and Juliet are both in "Equalia" (Dear Lord, just castrate me while you're at it) where they see a bunch of mythical creatures and, wait a minute... that fountain, it looks familiar. Oh right, because there's no such thing as originality here, it's the exact same fountain from the movie.
Welcome girls. Lisa, you're free to roam around. Juliet, you're scheduled for execution soon
Sorry about that, moving on. So Lisa and Juliet (dressed up like princesses) find a twonicorn, and after feeding it a sugar cube, it barfs a rainbow (You know, I'm over halfway there and yet I cannot live on a prayer for quality for this episode). The... queen? (I don't know she just shows up and says a few words, she could be the jester for all I know) welcomes Lisa and Juliet to Equalia (Okay, I need a new name for this place. Bollville, perhaps?) where she decides to start a royal dance for them by playing the "Royal Mypod". ...I really have to wonder if this episode was made for the sole purpose of desensitizing the audience to the point that every episode afterwards would look like Last Exit to Springfield in comparison.
*BARF* I'm sorry, but pretentious shit makes me throw up
As Lisa and Juliet slow-dance with each other (No lesbian undertones whatsoever) Bollville begins to transition back to the real world as it's shown that Lisa and Juliet were dancing to the sprinklers going off (I have no words for this, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that someone thought that an episode based on Heavenly Creatures was a good idea). The next day we see Lisa and Juliet writing more of their story about Bollvillle (with paper crowns and scarves draped around their torsos. Brian Kelley's really trying to drive this in until we accept it isn't he?). When Marge tries to play along, Lisa essentially tells her to fuck off (Despite them writing in the kitchen instead of her room... okay, how many warnings to stop watching this have we been given? *34* I thought as much). Later, Marge and Homer are called to Skinner's office where he tells them that Lisa's grades have been dropping ever since she's been hanging out with Juliet. However, because there couldn't possibly be any good jokes to be told with that premise, Homer ignores everything Skinner says and acts like a complete ass-clown (which causes Skinner to facepalm. Isn't it nice when the writers acknowledge how bad Homer's gotten and yet don't bother to make him more human?). Back home, Marge tells Lisa that she can no longer see Juliet. This causes Lisa to get upset, saying this:
(There are no words I know of to describe my hatred for this episode). After Marge shrugs that off, Lisa tries to escape by climbing down the tree, only to fall into a laundry basket being held by Marge (I guess cloning is far more advanced than we ever thought). The next day, Lisa leaves school only to bump into Juliet, who is throwing stuff at Lisa from a tree... Oh wait, it gets better. Juliet tells Lisa that she's running away (...Why?) and she's taking Lisa with her. Lisa is hesitant initially, but Juliet convinces her that she needs to come because Bollville needs her... I just want that to sink in for a moment. Juliet was waiting in a tree for Lisa to get out to tell her that they're both going to run away from home because they need to write a fantasy novel, a novel that Juliet believes is real. Oh, but wait, I haven't even told you about the icing on this cake, Juliet tells Lisa that she needs her too, as Juliet grabs Lisa's hands...*Goes to corner in fetal position* This is all just fictional, this is all just fictional, this is all-
Brian Kelley, don't encourage the slashfic.
Anyways, Lisa agrees and they walk off while holding hands (You hear that snap? That was the sound of my sanity leaving me, I'm so screwed now). As Lisa and Juliet bike their way to their new location, the scenery around them turns into Bollville complete with the annoying music (At this point I'm just waiting for the ending where Lisa and Juliet brutally murder Marge with a rock and run back home screaming with blood on their hands). Lisa and Juliet arrive at "Clam-Elot" (Ugh) where Juliet tells Lisa to just use her imagination and it'll become Bollvile. *Checks time remaining* 6 MINUTES?! Oh I do hate myself at this point. Oh, and we see Lenny and Carl pass by the condemned "Clam-Elot"... why? Just, why? We cut back home where Marge and Homer talk about how Lisa should be at the Model UN (Gee I wonder if this will lead to anything? I mean it's oh so natural in the way it's casually discussed here). Just then, Marge gets a call from Martin that Lisa never showed up (In the most forced, unfunny way possible, I'm sorry is this a comedy show or brainwashing material?). Marge expresses her concern about how she was too intrusive in Lisa's friendship with Juliet by driving around looking for her... Oh wait nevermind she SAYS all that in some more awkward dialogue (I would pull up the "Show don't tell" card here, but that would require me to care at this point)
Why did I let my daughter hang out with a schizophrenic? Why did I let my daughter hang-
After Homer feels the need for his style of 'comedy' (And it looks like the closing credits will be the best part of this episode), we cut to Lisa and Juliet in "Clam-Elot" as it's very dark and damp, but Juliet doesn't seem to mind much (Seeing as she's about one break-up away from becoming Mother Shabubu, I completely understand). We then see a scene of the family pulling up to the parking lot (They're at the wrong place) and Lisa and Juliet hear a car outside the restaurant (Look there's still 5 minutes left, they aren't there). Through the windows we see silhouettes of what appear to be Marge, Homer and Bart (Forget it, not going to work on me) however, we cut back to the family and here's a shocker; THEY ARRIVED AT THE WRONG PLACE! (Wow, that totally came out of left field, and here I thought that the last 5 minutes would be about Lisa having to deal with her friendship with a borderline psychopath). Back at the restaurant, it turns out to be Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney as they find Lisa and Juliet and decide to tie them up and lock them away in cages (... No comment, Rule 34 has been run into the ground WAY too much here) Oh and by the way, they aren't tied up when they're in the cages... consistency, who needs that?
Ummm... Uhhh.... Insert your own bondage joke here
Kearney is left to guard Lisa and Juliet. Lisa tells Juliet about her being afraid and Juliet comforts her by telling her to imagine Bollvile. However, at this point Lisa decides that enough is enough and tells Juliet that Bollville is not real. Juliet counters by saying it's better than where they are and she offers her hand to Lisa, which Lisa grabs (Minor note, the cages have a convenient hole just bigger than their arms. Now here's a fun game to play at home: re-read both of these parts, take a shot for every time I describe the Lisa-Juliet relationship as gay) After some ramblings between Lisa and Juliet (That's the best way to describe this, I swear) Kearney gets intrigued and Lisa and Juliet decide to use Kearney's uncharacteristic curiosity against him, getting him to free them both (It's almost done, it's almost done). We then see Kearney listening to Lisa read her story with a lot of interest (Well, there's a sucker born every second, I mean there are people who LIKE this episode).
Lisa: "Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, Someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something"
Jimbo and Dolph come back as they're shocked to see Lisa and Juliet are free. After some pretentious dialogue from Juliet (Ten bucks says that when this show is finally done, she will end up as the least popular supporting character) Jimbo decides to burn her book in front of her (Jimbo is my favorite character in this episode, not only does he hate Juliet, but he wants to see her suffer). However, Kearney starts to hallucinate this all as Bollville (Oh for fucks sakes, Who left the LSD out?) and decides he needs to save the oh-so-important tales of Bollville (Hey if Twilight can get published, I guess anything can). In Kearney's hallucination, he's beating them up, but in reality, he's getting his ass handed to him (I think there's a very important lesson to be taken away from all this, if we use our imagination hard enough, this episode can seem only mediocre. Let me try... DAMMIT!). Lisa and Juliet escape (but we don't see them take the book, odd) and Lisa decides that she needs to stop escaping to a fantasy land and live in reality (Is this supposed to be some sort of half-assed message? If so, I have a simple response: FUCK! YOU! WRITERS!!!). Juliet mocks Lisa for daring to want to live a normal life in the real world (2 more minutes, just 2 more minutes). Juliet then leaves Lisa as Lisa decides to call her cuckoo (This is beyond the pot calling the kettle black).
Good-night sweet bitch; and flights of demons sing thee to thy rest
We cut to two months later as it turns out that Lisa sent her novel to a publication and it got rejected (Naw, really? And here I thought we had the greatest story of modern times on our hands). After Bart insults Lisa and Marge tries to comfort her, the episode ends with Homer deciding that we need one more hallucination as he just imagines his family as random objects (...I've got nothing, I'm just waiting for the credits). Okay here we go, the best part of the episode; the credits, let's see them. The episode truly ends with Bart introducing Fallout Boy over the end credits as they do a shitty remix of the ending credits theme... And the circle is truly complete, not only did this episode fail on every category possible, but they managed to fuck up the credit sequence. Congrats staff, you managed to suck in EVERY category. YOU FAIL!

Final Verdict: This abomination to man was fucking AWFUL. The bottom of the barrel, the episode that is the measuring stick to every shitty episode out there. Not only did the writing suck, the jokes suck and everything else suck, but there was absolutely no entertainment value at all. This was a fucking nightmare and a true pain to sit through. I know I use hate quite a bit (Even dedicated a theme month to it) but I can calmly say that I reserve the deepest feelings of true hate towards this. I will leave with just one thought: FUCK! THIS! EPISODE!!!

Final Grade: 0.0/10 If I was allowed to go negative, I would, but going negative feels cartoony and I want to be serious about this.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Boy Meets Curl (Video)

Just a project, planning on doing more in the near future of past text-reviews

Give honest feedback, I want to know your honest opinion about this

Monday, September 12, 2011

Looking Ahead: Upcoming Guest Stars

Since this show hasn't been really relevant in years (People don't talk about this show as often as other shows, nor does it get much attention from the online community) the show really has been relying on "important" guest stars to grab attention. Whether they are big names whose sole purpose is to exist onscreen and basically tell the audience "Hey we got *Insert guest star here* to appear" (Katy Perry, Mark Zuckerberg, Danica Patrick, etc) or guest stars for the sole purpose of doing something "edgy" or "noteworthy" (Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Daniel Radcliffe, etc) the writers always find ways to make the guest appearance on The Simpsons seem less and less like a major accomplishment (Remember the days when a cameo on this show actually meant something? Yeah, it's becoming harder and harder to remember that). So today I take a look at who will be making cameos and what they'll be doing in said cameos while offering a little commentary on each one.

Kiefer Sutherland- Security Guard Wayne

  • So this will be his third cameo on the show (24 Minutes and G.I. D'oh for his other two). Honestly there's not really much to say, my bet is that he'll be onscreen for about 6 total minutes (Plus or minus 2 minutes) and be rather 'meh'(Not important nor really forgettable)
Tom Colicchio- Himself
  • Well that didn't take too long. We're two cameos in and already having a "Voicing themselves" cameo. And remind me again, didn't Marge recently participate in some cook-off or something? I don't see this ending well
Theodore Roosevelt- Himself
  • I debated on whether this counted or not, but Al Jean counted this in his list of guest stars for the San Diego Comic-Con, so I'm counting it (Although I find it pathetic just how close to fanboyish he sounded in announcing it. I'm convinced when he got approval to use the archival footage, he literally squeed)
Jonah Hill- Unconfirmed
  • I'm just going to go out on a limb and bet he's going to voice himself, next guest star
Jeremy Irons- Moe's Bar Rag
  • ... Am I on drugs? Apparently not, because Jeremy Irons will be voicing Moe's Bar Rag in a historical account of it's existence. You know, I can't help but be reminded a bit of the Simpsons Spinoff Showcase where Grampa voices Moe's Love Tester. The difference between that and this? THE SPINOFF WAS A PARODY OF SITCOMS! I bet this will be taken seriously
Jane Lynch- Roz (Power Plant assistant)
  • Anyone else getting Mindy vibes from this? Then again, I'm going to have to refrain myself from jabbing my eyes out at the idea of ANOTHER fucking Glee cameo.
Michael Cera- Nick (Lisa's love interest)
  • Ah so I see Lisa's straight again, thank God for retconning. But in all seriousness, this will probably be another underdeveloped character that nobody cares about and will give a very forgettable performance (Despite having a decent movie career)
Armie Hammer- Winklevoss Twins
  • Isn't this the equivalent of having David Tennant guest star as The Doctor? I'm sorry, but when the writers are so lazy that they bring in a guest star just to do a role that they recently finished, I can't help but call lazy. Granted it did work for Brother From Another Series, however, that was a brief moment and meant to satirize how they got both Grammer and Hyde-Pierce together.
Bryan Cranston- Stradivarius Cain (Movie Spy)
  • Honestly, I don't get this casting, then again, I didn't watch Malcolm in the Middle or much of his other work so I can't really judge here.
Ted Nugent- Himself
  • Great, a conservative nutjob playing a conservative nutjob. Talk about ideal casting.
Lady Gaga- Herself
  • And I've saved the best (Or worst) for last. Lady Gaga is an okay singer in my opinion (Don't really like her songs, but I can tolerate them), but nobody really cares for her singing, rather than how outlandish she can be at every public outing. I just find this guest appearance on paper as wasted as I could probably name a dozen ways to make fun of her, but the writers probably won't do that and instead just turn her appearance into one like Katy Perry's. Oh and as far as that "Kissing Marge" thing, it will probably be just a harmless "Hello/goodbye" sort of thing and it's being blown out of proportion because the show needs ratings. But I'm being optimistic and judging by their track record as of late, it will be as bad as I think it will be.
And those are the known guest stars. Join me next week as I give final thoughts and one last look into the season premiere.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Worst of the worst: Lisa the Drama Queen-Part 1

...I hate you all. No I take that back, I hate this episode, and I hate the fact that I can't avoid reviewing this. Unfortunately, I've already delayed it a week, and I can't think of any more padding. Let's just do this. Before we start, I just want to say one thing. Due to the circumstances, little things that I would probably gloss over in any other reviews will not be glossed over here. Likewise, I may get into the occasional paragraph-long rant about one thing or another. Also, I'd like to acknowledge that this is the last episode of the standard-def run and the next episode would begin their run on HD. What a way to end an era, wouldn't you say?

The episode begins with Homer throwing Bart and Lisa out of the car at the Springfield Recreation Center for no real reason and then proceeds to drive off. So let's see, less than a minute and a half in and logic is nowhere to be found, what an appropriate way to begin this episode. Oh by the way, the sign says *Springfield Recreation Center "A place to be dropped off at"*. Would it scare you if I told you that this is potentially the highlight of the episode? We then cut to a kung fu class being taught by Comic Book Guy (Like I said, logic is nowhere to be found). Bart proceeds to mock him and then kick his ass (Hooray for unfunny pointless scenes!). By the way, we clearly see Nelson kick CBG in the stomach, not the crotch; seems like someone dropped the ball on that pathetic joke. Next scene is Lisa in an arts and crafts class (to the tune of classical music. Bad episode! You don't deserve to use classical music. Go to your room and think about what you've done!) where we meet Lisa's love interest, er I mean her new friend Juliet.
Hmm, this is too subtle. How about we add a purple shirt to the dragon for good measure?

Where do I begin with Juliet? First off, her voice is terribly miscast, not only does it sound like a fake pretentious British accent, but it doesn't come across as an 8 year old. It sounds way older than her character really is. Secondly, she is a blatant rip-off of Juliet from Heavenly Creatures (Using the same name is not an homage, it's a rip-off). The art scene is more or less the exact same outside of a few line changes, it's pathetic. I'll talk about her a bit later, but for now, back to the crap at hand. After the teacher berates Juliet for daring to be "creative" (It seems that Mr. Kelley believes that satirical comedy should involve the subtlety of a 2 by 4 to the head), Juliet then talks to the teacher and points out how her knight is modeled after Josh Groban... Okay where do I begin here?
  1. This is clearly the episode's stand-in for Mario Lanza
  2. This makes no sense in the slightest, in the movie it makes sense because it's used to get them together and it helps to establish their character. Here Lisa claims to be a fan despite nothing indicating this until now (not even listening to a song on the way over, that could have helped)
  3. This is completely irrelevant to the episode, in the movie, they use it early to get them closer to each other. Here, it's brought up, they become friends, and never speak of Josh plotwise again.
In the movie, Juliet failed to do the school assignment and was scolded for not doing schoolwork
Here, Juliet ignored an assignment at a rec center and was scolded for being "creative"
Guess which one actually means something to the audience
Okay, rant over, moving on. Lisa goes over and praises the painting, ignoring the fact that the issue is that she wasn't doing the assignment. It's not about 'creativity' (which it wasn't); even in the movie, you could tell that Juliet got in trouble for good reasons. Anyways, the teacher is mocked by Lisa when she decides to show off Juliet's painting to the class (making Juliet smile... moving on). The teacher (She's never named, I swear) tells Lisa and Juliet that if they want to be creative, go outside; they look at each other, smile, and run off (I'm sorry, this is too subtle for me. Could you flatten the teacher character a bit more? I don't get what she's supposed to be representing.) After the teacher tells the rest of the class to paint "20 laps" (With the fat kid being slow... Do I even need to explain why this joke sucks?), we transition to outside the rec center where Juliet explains her character and why they conveniently never met. Apparently her father is a University professor and he just took a job at Springfield University, yeah because I've never heard of an English girl named Juliet whose father is a Professor who moved recently to take a teaching job nearby... FUCK THIS EPISODE!!
Call it a hunch, but I don't think these two will ever perform at Carnegie Hall
So Lisa and Juliet decide to get closer by singing a Groban song (It's not very important, so I stand by my words) in what has to be the worst performance ever since Soulja Boy's 'Anime' song. This song is so bad and it doesn't help that neither Lisa nor Juliet can sing; in fact JULIET'S VOICE IS SO TERRIBLE, SHE MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB AN ICE PICK AND JAB HER THROAT! I HATE THIS SCENE, I HATE IT! AHHHHH- *Is restrained by RBY and taken away*

Happy pills make me happy :)

But in all actuality, even the background characters (Willie and Wiggum) hate this to the point of shoving objects in their ears to avoid hearing it. Isn't it so much fun when the writers know how bad they are, but continue anyways? Anyways, Lisa and Bart go shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart so Lisa can buy some candy which ends up being nothing but padding. Seriously, the candy, despite being a gift to Juliet, is NEVER brought up again... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Afterwards (on the poorly-drawn set; the sidewalk appears to be slanted downwards, and the school looks tiny) Lisa approaches Juliet's school (Named "Tuition Academy"... please God, take me now) and tells Juliet that she hasn't had a playdate in a while and doesn't know what to do (I'm just going to go over to that corner and cry for an hour). Juliet reveals that her parents gave her a pass to the Folk Art Museum which leads to... *Sigh* a montage (*Pulls out checklist* Obligatory montage, check). At home, Marge talks to Bart and Homer about Lisa's new friend and how she finally seems like a normal girl. Lisa and Juliet then run in and Lisa asks Marge if they can sleepover. Marge is reluctant but accepts anyways. Okay time out, time to talk about more artwork, and with me is my art consultant, RBY. RBY, you want to give your thoughts on this kitchen?

Sure. Let's see - wait, where the heck do I start! ...the tiles are larger than Maggie despite this being a fairly small kitchen (or so I thought from the first scene and other appearances). When Lisa and Juliet enter the kitchen, the way the tiles are drawn should have them sliding to the front of the screen (and the feet appear to be the length of a tile; while normal, the fact that the next shot has the tiles to large creates the effect that the feet are HUGE). There's something called perspective, people, USE IT! In addition, thanks to the bad perspective, Homer appears to shift his spot at the table (which has inexplicably grown) and the refrigerator appears to have shrunk. Really, this is a masterful butchering of perspective. For those who are learning to draw, look at this and learn: this is how NOT to use perspective.

Thanks RBY, anyways, at dinner Juliet mentions that her father loves John Grisham and has put forth different interpretations of Grisham's books. This leads to Homer telling Marge that he agrees with one of the interpretations presented... excuse me a moment *Screams unintelligibly* I'VE READ JOHN GRISHAM, THIS IS NOT WHAT HOMER READS! HOMER WOULDN'T GET PAST PAGE ONE AND WE'RE EXPECTED TO BELIEVE FOR A MOMENT THAT HE COULD NOT ONLY READ IT BUT HAVE A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF IT?! I HATE THIS EPISODE! I! HATE! IT! *Gets dragged away by RBY*

Valium makes everything better :) :) (P.S. I don't care if it's supposed to be a joke, it's an awful joke)

Congrats, you have officially outsucked Stephanie Myers. You two should be proud of yourselves
Later that night, Lisa and Juliet are in their sleeping bags in Lisa's room. There they discuss what to name their fantasy Kingdom, er I mean Queendom (Ugh). Okay, time out! Where did this come from? I know this came from the movie, but here it makes no sense here, there's no lead-in to why they have decided to make this story or when they came up with the idea. Show, don't tell, writers! There, Juliet comes up with the name of... EQUALIA! ...Really? Equalia? How sad is it when an animated show for 5 year-olds can come up with better names for places than a show meant for adults? *Sigh* Someone was PAID to think of the name "Equalia"... I defy you to say that out loud and tell me you did not lose a shred of dignity. Lisa describes it as (Sic) "Everyone's equal but we're in charge"... *Pulls out Animal Farm* "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others."... really? You're trying to play a quote from Animal Farm for laughs? I really do hate you. Moving along, Marge tells Juliet and Lisa to go to bed. Juliet then starts quite possibly the creepiest scene in Simpsons history, you know what, I can't just describe it, watch the clip:
... I'm going to go watch something far less creepy, I hear that The Empty Child is far less creepy. After Lisa accepts (And Marge cheers, to which neither of the girls react to... Help me!) Lisa goes to bed declaring that she has a best friend. Juliet hears this, but is cool with it and Lisa is giddy... It's not really helpful to think that the source material had Lisa's and Juliet's characters as 16-year-old lesbians...and these characters are eight years old... Invest in brain bleach stock now, I'm buying it all out now. Marge and Homer compare this new friendship to love - Marge implies it, Homer outright states it, and there's a joke about Homer's stupidity. Pinnacle of wit, this Kelley guy. We then cut to Lisa and Juliet sitting in the hammock together, one's head at the other's feet.
What I'm about to show you cannot be unseen, click at your own risk

*glances at screen* Hey, this looks like the movie! Y'know, the scenes where Pauline and Juliet sat in the bathtub together naked?

...0_o Oh my God you're right... AHHHHHHHH- *Technical difficulties due to broken screen, please stand by* ...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- *Mental breakdown, please stand by*

That place with the pillows helped me a lot, thanks guys! :) :) :)

Anyways, Lisa and Juliet talk about how to grab the audience's attention for the fourth chapter (What you mean that your oh so interesting "Queendom" will bore people? Nahhh). Juliet recommends that they insert a new creature called a "Twonicorn"...creativity in the writing room was at an all time low that day, wasn't it? Lisa then thanks Juliet by mocking her accent while talking about her doing the audio-book *Bangs head on wall*. We cut to the mall where Lisa and Juliet are playing with cardboard cutouts of their characters, a perfect metaphor for Modern Simpsons (These jokes are too easy). After Nelson acts as the voice of reason (and then has his character butchered; Brian Kelley has that amazing touch of draining all hope and joy from the audience with each new character), we find out that Lisa and her family were invited over to Juliet's house. There Bart uses Homer's "Fancy word" which results in Homer smacking him... twice. Dude, this goes from "Humorous violence" (i.e.impulsive) to child abuse (DELIBERATE). Congratulations Mr. Kelley, you suck!
He-he, child abuse is funny... wait
At dinner, Juliet's father (Seriously, he's never given a name, I'm going to call him Ted) talks like an intellectual Englishman (only character trait) and Homer decides that there needs to be 'comedy' so he goes into his normal jerkass mode (Oh Mr. Kelley, there's a time and place for humorous things. Noon tomorrow at the cliff, I'll see you there). Juliet then spontaneously suggests that she and Lisa play some Josh Groban at dinner (Stop shoehorning it in, it has no purpose outside of keeping to the source material). Ted tells Juliet that he's afraid of her obsession with Groban (Despite the fact that it was never brought up before... character development? What's that!?). He then puts on his music, giving us the ONLY quoteworthy lines of this episode: "I hate it, I HATE IT!" Well said, Juliet! Juliet runs out crying (...I don't know why, and honestly I don't care) to which Lisa follows her. Truly a sad emotional scene, which is why it's understandable that Homer feels the need to have Ted tell him that the lump on his back is chewing gum (Oh Mr. Kelley, you have the magical ability to take any emotion from a scene, crumple it up and toss it out the window).
Now we actually care about the top because Juliet's parents betrayed her trust
We do not care for Simpsons Juliet because her motives are crazy and make no sense
Lisa catches up to Juliet where we can see that Juliet has clearly gone insane because she didn't like the music (In the movie, Juliet went insane because her parents promised never to abandon her and they were leaving her behind. Just think about this for a minute, you can understand my frustration). Juliet tells Lisa that she can see Equalia, Lisa however, being sane and rational determines that Juliet needs help and... oh, oh dear Lord she can see it too...
And we end on an acid trip, lovely
FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU- *Is taken away by the people in white*

Kriken's probably gonna need a week to recover. Come join us at Blackthorn Asylum next week where we will finish this abomination!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Looking ahead: Upcoming storylines

So the other day I was roaming the internet trying to confirm various upcoming episodes and such, when a certain article article caught my eye:

More or less, the second half intrigued me on how many storylines this season would probably be parodies of Classic Simpsons or just ideas just laughed at during writing retreats. A lot of today's storylines are either laughable because of the premise, or just recycled from past plots or lines. Now that doesn't always make an episode bad (See Lisa's Pony and Saturdays of Thunder) but because of an awful writing staff and an attitude of "Money before quality" it's hard to think that these episodes could be remotely entertaining. With that out of the way, let's take a look at the upcoming storylines:

The Falcon and the D'ohman
Now the plot goes as follows:

  • Marge fantasizes about being a contestant on "Top Chef" hosted by Tom Colicchio (guest voicing as himself). Meanwhile, Homer befriends Wayne (guest voice Kiefer Sutherland, R), a reserved security guard recently hired by the nuclear power plant. (Source:
A slight improvement over "Guest Star in front of random color background"

Oh and somewhere in that convoluted mess, the results from that poll that nobody cares about will be revealed. How sad is it when something that the staff was hoping to raise veiwership takes 3rd fiddle in next season's premiere? It really speaks volume to how little they actually care, they just threw together some stupid relationship plot for a cliffhanger for last year and then completely forget about it until the last minute in favor of guest stars. They've been known to do this for episodes (Recently) where a plot will come to a screeching halt in favor of a cameo, but this is just ridiculous. I didn't care about the Edna-Ned thing, but I'm not writing that, they are and if this episode turns out the way I think it will, it will yet again be a sign of how the staff just has seething contempt for their fanbase.

Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts
The plot:

  • Superintendent Chalmers reveals his hero as former President Theodore Roosevelt, who makes an appearance in the episode with the use of archival recordings.
Normally would Teddy Roosevelt have been included on the list of "Guests who made terrible career decisions". Unfortunately Teddy was unable to refuse this and will now have archival footage used in his place. For me, the only president who has ever had a significant role on this show is Woodrow Wilson and I intend to keep it that way.

Lisa goes Gaga
Not much info here (Outside of a Lady Gaga interview) but here's what I've got so far
  • Lisa's depressed and Lady Gaga shows up in Springfield to cheer her up (Source)
Yeah because Stealing First Base was such a great concept, they had to do it again with Lady Gaga. That's not even the best part, apparently Lady Gaga will get a scene where she kisses Marge. What's the context of this kiss? Will it serve any purpose outside of fanservice? Oh dear readers, you expect competency out of this writing staff? You expect effort? Tsk, tsk tsk, so far we've got two episodes that look like real stinkers.

Now the rest I cannot associate with the other (But could probably put together based on a little logic) so let's finish with upcoming titles followed by upcoming storylines that aren't officially connected yet:

The Food Wife
  • Get it? Because it's like The Good Wife only it's food! ugh
The Book Job
  • Do they even try?!
Man in the Blue Flannel Pants
  • Admittedly this is the most clever title here
The Ten-Per-Cent Solution
  • That's not even trying, all you did was change "Percent" to "Per-Cent"
Beware my Cheating Bart
  • Okay kudos on actually going with a reference that won't make this dated in 2 months
Moe Goes From Rags to Riches
  • I'm sorry, is this episode about Lenny winning a trip to Austria or something?
The Daughter also Rises
  • I'm really starting to run out of material here
The D'oh-cial Network
  • THERE WE GO! THERE WE GO! You just couldn't let a recent good movie pass by without making a horrible pun title out of it couldn't you?!
Holidays of Future Passed
  • Not much to say, but still possibly the best title here
Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson
  • And my crystal ball says: Homer will inexplicably be great at something dealing with politics, Mary Sue on line 2, something about her trademark being infringed
Replaceable You
  • Same deal with The D'oh-cial Network
Treehouse of Horror XXII
  • I guess my only complaint here is that it made it to 22
The Spy Who Learned Me
  • ...What?
Exit Through the Kwik-E-Mart
  • ...Huh?

Upcoming Plots:

The Simpsons find out that everyone in town has become sick of their antics and have come together to decide whether or not they should be exiled to Antartica.
  • Ah yes the main reason I brought up that article in the first place. This story is so ludicrous and a failure from the start, I'm going to compare it to the Fanfiction that was written before while reviewing it. P.S. this is the 500th episode
Marge becomes jealous over the fact Homer gets to do all the fun things with the children, while she is stuck doing all the "mom" things. After accidentally enjoying a meal of Ethiopian food, Marge and the children start a food blog, which leaves Homer feeling like the odd one out.
  • I... I just... I've got nothing, why don't the writers just write out a script where the family loudly announces to the audience that they're out of ideas and they don't care
Homer and Bart write a fantasy novel, hoping to capitalize on the Tween culture
  • If you'll go excuse me I need to prepare a bath while holding a toaster that's still plugged in
Krusty gets his own show on a premium cable channel.
  • That guy's still on the show? I thought the staff had completely forgotten about him
Lisa starts her own social network website. Meanwhile Patty and Selma take part in the Olympic rowing, and race against the Winklevoss twins, who are voiced by Armie Hammer.
  • SNL's satire with "Tyler Perry" about The Social Network sounds about a thousand times more watchable
30 years in the future Bart will be depicted as a "lousy, deadbeat dad who actually lives in the school, which is now a condominium, and Skinner is his landlord.
  • Which is it, a school or a condo? Either way, this show has not had good recent success with "Seeing into the future" episodes and I bet this will follow the trend
Bryan Cranston will play Stradivarius Cain, a suave superspy film character whom Homer sees as an illusion after suffering a head injury, and gives Homer a mission to make himself into the man Marge cannot resist.
  • Why wouldn't a Hollywood actor who only pretends to be a spy want to help (And eventually succeed) Homer into being even more Mr. Perfect?
Homer becomes a populist TV pundit with his show "Gut Check with Homer Simpson", and Ted Nugent will play himself as a Republican candidate for President seeking Homer's endorsement.
  • Well my prediction about Homer taking on a job that he has absolutely no experience in but is an instant success as soon as he tries was correct *Bites tongue*