Episode 19: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

I don't know if I can take this month, between the shit that season 22 will air and the last four episodes of season 20, I think I might officially lose my marbles. *Sigh* I must be strong and persevere through the challenge, so I'll do my best. Before I start the review, let me just talk about the episode that aired this time last year. To Surveil With Love was a 1984-fail (Or just modern reference fail, depending on your POV) that had no humor, no coherence and two storylines that were just plain unwatchable. But people don't remember it for the actual episode, oh no, they remember it for that "Spectacular" *Bites tongue* "Tik-Tock Opening"... FUCK THAT OPEN- *Gets sedated by RBY* Sorry, where were we? Oh right, why the opening was flat out fail.

1. Tik-Tock was #1 from January and February and #3 in March. It fell off the top 10 in April and never returned. To Surveil With Love aired in May. See the problem? (List here)
2. The song just doesn't fit. I was a novice when I posted my rant last year, but you know what? I still say that Ke$ha should have nothing to do with The Simpsons. But at this point I'm waiting for the Justin Beiber cameo to appear in Winter of 2011-12, because we all know they're going to do that

Which brings me to my rant about this episode this week. Jersey Shore is basically a representation with what's wrong with TV. The point is, Jersey Shore like "Tik-Tock" is no longer relevant in the eyes of the American audience (Can't speak for international audiences though) and thus this show is dated even before it airs. Plus, like the hoarding sub-plot earlier this year... SOUTH PARK DID IT! Sorry for that long opening (I'll save my "Fit Tony" bitching in the review itself), without further ado, let's take a look at this episode. 

The episode begins with a scene of a long line outside the DMV where we see Homer, Bart, and Lisa standing in it (Prepare to have all expectations drained in 3, 2, 1...). Bart notices an arcade and asks Homer if he and Lisa can go there since they don't need to wait. However Homer goes over and leaves Bart and Lisa in the line (I should have seen this coming, the scene embodies all that Modern Homer is). Later, we see Bart and Lisa refuse to give Homer his spot back and they decide to sell their spot to the highest bidder. After some stupid jokes from random side characters Fit Tony (If the writers think I'm stupid enough to forget their abomination of continuity, they're wrong) offers a lollipop and is given the spot (No real reason why, it's not even implied that he intimidated them). Selma then calls him up and treats Fit Tony like he's an ordinary customer (I'll let your minds think about the exchange, it'll be funnier than what they wrote). So after that boring bit, Selma exits her shift for a smoke break and Fat Tony's associates kidnap her as she causes the car to drag on the road as they drive off (I'm just going to take a nap, wake me up when something funny happens).

Anyone else feel like this is how long their "Jokes" go on for?

We then cut to Bart and Lisa in the Springfield Forrest (Why are they there? Make up your own excuse, the writers forgot what "Motive" means) where they each lick the lollipop until Lisa licks the wrong side leading to an unfunny bit of Lisa and Bart trying to get each others spit out of their mouths which apparently lasts for an hour (This episode already feels like it's gone on for an hour). Afterwards, Bart smells something and unearths a truffle which Lisa explains is a fungus (... I'm... I got nothing, the idea that this is our subplot terrifies me). After Bart finds another one (When did he get this ability you might be asking. It's simple, the writer just pulled it out of his ass) which leads to a scene of Luigi leading the movie pig to find truffles (Do the writers just hope that putting in "Spider Pig" will distract us from the laziness of this subplot?) After some more padding (I would say plot development, but that's a foreign concept to these writers) Bart becomes Luigi's truffle boy (Please God take me now). Speaking of storylines that piss me off, we cut back to the docks where Fit Tony tries to intimidate Selma, but it backfires as Selma gets snarky with him causing Fit Tony to have a change of heart (And it leads to more painful dialogue... all in favor of watching a season 4 episode instead? Drat I've been overruled by RBY, I knew I should never have given her power of veto).

Who knew being brought back from the dead causes impaired judgement?

Afterwards, Selma gets liposuction (Didn't we have something similar to this with Moe?) Fit Tony (Inexplicably) wants to spend more time with Selma and makes out with her (What did I just say about motivation, writers?) Later at Marge's house, Marge can't get over what Selma looks like (I agree, I'm just going to pass around the brain bleach for everyone). Homer then stumbles in to mock Selma, but is interrupted by Fit Tony and he spouts off more stupid, forced dialogue (I'm just going to pad all my walls to prevent giving myself a concussion later). After a stupid scene of Homer drawing Patty for Fit Tony (Okay I abuse the hell out of "Pointless scene" but this scene in particular is pointless, unfunny and just plain awful) we get a montage of Selma and Fit Tony doing things together (And here I thought they'd avoid the montage, oh writers you never fail to disappoint me). Later, Fit Tony proposes to Selma on his boat and Selma says yes as we cut to an FBI van that puts Selma's picture next to Tony's on the Mob Hierarchy list (I will pay anyone $50 to finish this review right now... Sorry, RBY yet again has told me I cannot try to get someone else to do this). We then cut to Bart coming back to Lisa with 3 more truffles (I have an idea right now, let's cut this entire subplot to make room for the main plot, and after that, we'll cut the "Fit Tony-Selma" plot to make even more room for that main plot).

Bart, these aren't piles of dung, they're the deleted scenes of this episode

After a small conversation between Bart and Lisa (zzzzz......) we cut to the Four Season Hotel where Fit Tony and Selma get married. Okay they got married, that means the episode's over, good night. *Sigh* We still have 12 minutes left... wait, 12 MINUTES?! I need booze. At the reception, we see the receptionist list off who belongs at what table (In a rather dull monotone) until he directs Homer and Marge to a small table filled with random people (Including Comic Book Guy... Why he's there we'll never know). Selma then asks the Simpsons to have their picture taken with her and Tony as Marge and Selma have what feels like a 10 minute exchange with no humor (Not as bad as Ricky from Angry Dad the Movie, but that's like saying a broken arm isn't as bad as getting your knees shot out). We then cut back home as Marge is still pissed about Selma putting them in the bad table (Paging the Real Marge Simpson, this impostor is trying to defame your character with pettiness). After not Homer provides more "Uncomic relief" with Fit Tony (Okay seriously Not Homer SHUT THE FUCK UP!) Fit Tony invites Marge and Homer to his house down the shore (There's not enough booze to make what's coming up the least bit entertaining is there?) We then cut to Bart and Lisa (Cause this is filler!) as they bicker over Bart not finding more truffles.

Now I can hide you away, and there will be nothing stopping me from taking over as the popular child!

Bart then bumps into a tree and Lisa drags him off and blinds him with goggles and covers his mouth with a muzzle so that he can only focus on finding truffles... Anyone see Lisa around? She's about 4'4", blonde, and above all NOT THIS DICKISH! Bart then leads Lisa back to her room where he finds out that she's been keeping them for herself... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! No seriously, I have no clue what just happened, why did Lisa do that to Bart? Why is she keeping the truffles in her room? And why could Bart never smell them himself in the house? I want to hurt someone, but I can never do what this episode has done. Anyways, let's see their half-assed explanation for why she kept them. Apparently she kept them because she can't stand the bland vegetarian food she always eats... *Bangs head on padded wall* Bart decides to give the last truffle to Spider Pig and he decides to eat all the truffles he can find... *Bangs facepalmed head on wall* Ah screw it, that means the shit was the subplot is over and the real deep hurting can begin. We then cut to Not Homer and Marge driving to Fit Tony's house where Homer figures Not Marge can make up with Selma. Not Marge and Homer get into the house where Fit Tony introduces them to four members of Jersey Shore whose names I will not bother to remember, to me they're Douche #1, Douche #2, Asshole #1, and Slut #62 (My ears feel violated everytime they open their mouths).

I'd like to introduce you to failed parody #1, failed parody #2, and Bob

After some more failed satirizing of Jersey Shore (Deep hurting) we see Selma with a new character design (Wait, this would require the animators to give a damn. Okay who paid off the animation studio?) After some more bickering between Selma and Not Marge (If you want to see a good example of Marge actually caring about Selma's marriage check out A Fish Named Selma, not a personal favorite of mine, but it's a pretty good episode. What's that RBY? I just feel that it's easier to keep my sanity by mentioning good things) we see Not Homer and Fit Tony play some beach volleyball with Douche #1-5 (My brain is trying to escape through my ears). We then see Selma try to talk kindly towards Marge, but Not Marge is hesitant because the script is painful, er I mean... actually that would make more sense. After seeing the two couples in Fit Tony's hot tub (This is supposed to be a comedy right? I haven't smiled once, much less snickered. Maybe if I put my brain capacity on the level the writers are appealing to I might laugh, excuse me a moment *Takes drill to forehead* Derrr... Homer act like Jersey Shore douchebags funny hu-hu) we see Not Marge and Homer walk around until they stumble outside of Fit Tony's room where apparently Not Marge knows mob talk and thinks that Fit Tony is cheating on Selma (Normal me would question where Marge learned this, but "Speed this up" me just waves off another plot hole and prays for the end. By the way, I got my brain fixed).

Even Selma thinks this episode sucks

Later, we see that Marge told Selma and she breaks down crying (So let me get this straight, when Marge ASSUMES Fit Tony is cheating on Selma, Selma believes every word and breaks down crying. But when Homer hears is straight from Troy McClure that the marriage is a sham and tells Marge who tells Selma, Selma just writes it off? Character consistency; a small detail that makes your story so much more engaging). After more parody fail Not Homer tells Fit Tony that they have to go. Selma then goes bursting out and tells Tony she's leaving, but apparently Fit Tony has another wife and Selma is the mistress (Does anyone really care at this point? Plus I thought Fat Tony's wife got whacked offscreen in season 18, oh wait that's FAT Tony's wife, not FIT Tony's wife, my mistake). After Marge questions the wedding, the writers, er I mean Fit Tony (They never once acknowledge that this man is NOT Fat Tony. The writers really do think their audience is stupid don't they?) tries to fill in all the plot holes (You don't have enough BS to fill the canyons this episode provides). So it turns out the wedding was a mistress wedding and all the Italian wedding vows translate out to the fact that Selma was agreeing to be Fit Tony's mistress (Just 2 more minutes, just two more minutes). Selma and Fit Tony's wife (I'm sure she has a name, I just don't care) have a cat fight as Not Marge and Homer make out in a tanning bed (Almost there). The episode ends with a bad Bonanza parody where a map of New Jersey burns to the Bonanza music (Well that was random, but who am I to question this, it ends this experience for me).

Final Verdict: This episode is God Awful, the storylines are both awful and make me want to jab my eyes out, the jokes are non existent as usual, the dialogue is heinous, the "Parody" of Jersey Shore is really just a failure at satire and should be taught in writing classes as how NOT to do a parody. I gotta say, of all the episode from this season, this scrapes the bottom of the barrel and is somehow worse than killing Fat Tony only to replace him with Fit Tony... FUCK THIS EPISODE!!!!

Final Grade: 1.3/10 Tom Servo, your thoughts on this season?