Episode 15: The Scorpion's Tale

At this point of the year, what can I say? I mean it's been an obvious trend that the ratings for this show go down right after New Year's, and the episodes coincide with their quality SOMEHOW managing to get worse and worse as the year goes on. At this point it just gets depressing how low this show continues to go, but in the spirit of fairness, I will look at this episode with open eyes, and who knows? It might be good. Let's find out.

After a rather unfunny joke about Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote (It still seems that the writers don't understand the concept of "Effort needs to be put in to make jokes funny") our story begins with the school taking a field trip to the Springfield Desert (I would say 4th grade, but Lisa and Ralph are there, I guess field trips are based more on whose characters are important and whose aren't. Oh yeah and Chalmers is there as well. Are you prepared for the Skinner-Chalmers spin-off show? Because the writers are still trying to force that on us).

The Simpsons Season 22
(Humorus Failus)

After a lot of padding (Just a lot of scenes that aren't funny and go nowhere. Are the writers just hoping the audience has no clue how a story arc goes?) we finally get what appears to be a plot at the 5 MINUTE mark where Lisa learns about flowers that cause aggressive animals to become calm (I mean seriously, this isn't a Shakespearean concept, it's simple elementary school storytelling: in order to keep the audience's attention, you need to give them something to invest in. 30 second scenes that aren't funny and go nowhere don't do that. I mean is this what TV has been reduced to? Am I going to be watching TV shows 20 years from now that don't start their plot until 15 minutes in a 20 minute show? I'm sorry for rambling here, but this isn't just a once in a blue moon occurrence, it's the norm for this show now.)(To answer your question, by the way, yes, yes it has been. Why do you think reality TV is so popular?) Anyways, after that, we then see the bus passing by the Retirement Castle as Grampa is being kicked out because he's being too cranky (That's never gotten him kicked out before, but whatever). After Bart and Lisa sees this, we see that Grampa (expectedly) ends up at their home and is cranky there too. Afterwards, we see a montage of Grampa rooming with each family member and he's cranky in every room (Hey, here's a thought writers: maybe having characters being more than just cardboard cutouts who give a one-note performance is a good idea. It gives us a reason to care and makes the rest of the story interesting. What's that? Too much effort? Oh well can't blame them for not trying). Later, Lisa turns the Flower (Springfield Silvertongue or SS for short... wait) into a spray, she tries to celebrate with Homer (In her extremely small room apparently. Perspective? Who needs that!?)

Dad look! The animators forgot to give me enough room for a bed, I have to sleep on the floor

But because having Homer care about what his daughter is doing isn't funny enough, he has to be condescending to her (You see what I mean about Homer's character?! NO! This is not his character, he actually CARES about his kids, even if he's bad at showing it. Go back to the writing room and fail again!) Homer then sees Grampa arguing with Santa's Little Helper and he gets an idea (But not at first and if you can't guess why, you clearly have an IQ lower than the writers). The next morning Bart and Lisa try to get out quick but Grampa gets up and actually acts nice and calm (This revelation is so shocking not even the family believes it. How bad is your writing when even your own characters don't buy it?) Lisa then asks Homer if he did anything to Grampa and Homer avoids the question by putting on the biggest shit-eating grin possible (Even the Joker would be ashamed of that face). Later, Lisa confronts Homer with Grampa and explains (Offscreen) why Grampa's so cheerful now. Grampa then kisses Homer because he's still under the effects of the SS and Lisa's angry that he's feeling a false happiness. Grampa explains that he doesn't care because now people like him because he's not cranky.

People being happy and joyful?! I won't allow it!

So of course Lisa, science expert and innovator, decides to flush the remainder of the SS sample down the toilet... WHAT!?!?! I MEAN WHAT!?!? You cannot be fucking serious! I mean wow, just wow this is stupid. This just really speaks for itself, and you know the worst part? We're only 9:45 in. This is going to be a painful one isn't it? You know what? I'm not going to call this Lisa impersonator Lisa anymore, I'm bringing the LINO name back for her because Lisa isn't this stupid. So anyways, after LINO disposes of this Nobel-Peace-Prize-worthy medicine, we cut to Moe's where Grampa is cranky again and disturbing the customers (Quick question, why is Grampa at Moe's? Feel free to never answer, it's not like your last episode made any sense). Homer is then approached by Walter who is a Pharmaceutical executive (I will just refer to him as Mr. Devil as it's apparent we are to assume the Pharmaceutical companies are all evil, what with their life saving medicine). He then takes some sweat from Grampa which has some of the SS extract and he takes it back to the company. Later, Grampa is given some of the serums and they find out it worked and Mr. Devil begins working on the drug immediately (But not without Homer acting like an idiot. Okay seriously, I haven't seen one scene he was in that doesn't involve him acting like a lobotomized monkey. The man DOES have character and can be used properly)(He did have one, but it consisted of two lines and him being mopey. ...it was preferable).

Jeepers! I'm a furry!

After we see Mr. Devil's army of cloned bimbos (Who apparently are just projections of the writers as they have no personality at all) he drops them back home with some of the pills and gives them the usual "If they fell into the wrong hands" mumbo jumbo, look can we get this plot going or something? I've got a poker game in an hour. Bart then decides he needs to be the wrong hands and it's implied that he sells the pills to the Retirement Castle. After a few scenes of Bart selling the drug, we get a montage of the old people of Springfield being happy and content with the world. After LINO questions Bart about what he's doing (And "Hilarity" ensues. Where is the "MAKE IT ALL END!" button?), Homer and Grampa come home as they're both laughing and having a good time but realize that Grampa needs to be miserable or else LINO will get upset (I'm not making any of this up, this really happens).

It's okay Grampa, Hitler didn't mean to insult us on Youtube

When Grampa gets in LINO tells him that she's no longer mad about him taking the drug because he's happy... excuse me a moment *Walks away* WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! NO! This makes NO sense, I don't care that this "Redeems" her in the eyes of the writers, two wrongs don't make a right. If you're going to have a character act severely out of character you might as well just keep with that path and not try to "Fix it" halfway through when you realized just how stupid it is. We never even see WHY she makes this 180! That's it! I'm done, honest to God I'm done, this is just SO stupid it's not even deserving of any more attention. Goodnight and goodbye! *Walks away only to be forced back* I've just been re-informed that I'm not allowed to walk out on a review and instead I have to take a long break, so after a long break I'm ready to finish this bad fanfiction. Anyways, LINO tries to apologize for being so stubborn (And out of character, oh wait no she doesn't, just wishful thinking) and Grampa forgives her. However, the drug causes Grampa's eyes to pop out of the sockets without him noticing (I guess those cataracts were worse than we thought). Lisa then notices that the scorpions had the same effect (But apparently with more time. Who says medicine would act consistently?) and it must be the effects of the SS (Which apparently causes the eye sockets to lubricate to the point of popping. Could just be orbital wobble). After Marge utters the cliche "At least nobody else has this" line Bart gives the cliche *Gulp* and shirt tug (Cliches make writing easier, as well as no plot, no jokes, padding, montages...)

I would show you a picture of the eyeless citizens. But then I realized, we need to remember this show was funny, so enjoy this visual gag

After we see a bunch of people playing with their eyeballs (Okay I'm a little grossed out by eyeballs, so, eww...) the family goes to see Mr. Devil. He at first goes against the family but changes his mind after seeing his motto on a Frisbee... I think my brain just melted a little just typing that. Mr. Devil then sees a "cheerful mob" who have come to ask for more of the drug because, as mentioned before, they're way too happy to be angry with him about the side effects (Or at least that's implied; if that's not the case then the writers really are stupid). Mr. Devil decides he needs to destroy the drug as Homer decides he needs to have a monologue that goes on for a minute with no humor or punchline (I was expecting him to end with "That's the joke" so I could quip with "You suck Homer!") Grampa then decides to give a speech to the people and convinces them all to give up the drug and fix today's society (Wait a minute, is this the writers' attempt to give this story a lesson? Is this their attempt to have a message? I gotta say this is so far from left field I'm pretty sure it came from Pluto). So the episode ends with LINO thinking that this episode had a lesson when in reality it was just as insightful as a class taught by a resident of the local Insane Asylum. (So, what did we learn today?)

Final Verdict: This episode is terrible! The plot is awful and atrociously paced. The characterization is just mind-numbingly stupid and inconsistent. The writing is amateur, the jokes are vomit worthy and the "Message" is half-assed and needlessly shoe-horned in. Bottom line, if you can't think of a good idea, it's usually not a good idea to go with a terrible idea.

Final Grade: 0.9/10 This is just terrible. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this one.