Episode 13: Gone Maggie Gone

Dear Lord this episode is pretentious, everything from the attempts to be like National Treasure mixed with The Da Vinci Code to the jokes to the characters is all annoying and stupid. I feel that anyone who thinks this is a clever puzzle story really needs to step back and realize the plot canyons this episode provides. Now let's get on our Sherlock Holmes hats, smoke a pipe and discover why this episode should have been gone with Maggie. Oh yeah, I apologize for the length of this review in advance, as it's longer than my normal review, thanks for the cooperation.

We start off with a narration explaining how man was ruled by science and industry but is now ruled by prophecies, puzzles and signs in the skies (Since when? ...the Mayan thing? Only a small minority believe that!)(So in other words, we are moving backwards in evolution. Well seeing as how this show's gotten stupider and stupider, I don 't doubt that they think this). Oh yeah, in case you couldn't tell what this show's supposed to "satire", the writers put on the chalkboard that this episode is a "Da Vinci Code Spoof". Don't you love it when the writers think we have the mind of a retarded seven-year-old? So after that bit of exposition (Quit being boring, you're boring everyone), we see that there's going to be a solar eclipse and Kent Brockman freaks out because the eclipse viewer wasn't pre-made (Hey it could be worse, you could try viewing Twilight: Eclipse)(NEVER AGAIN!).

All the subtly of a burning house

In a CGI shot we see the moon causing the eclipse over America (But in reality the shadow is way too small. Yeah I might be reaching here, but a partial solar eclipse takes up a few thousand km in diameter, while a full takes up a few hundred km in diameter. In this it's apparently only a full eclipse. In other words Physics is officially out of this episode. Wow, that only took 1:30, that's just under 1 minute after I stopped caring). During the eclipse we see some jokes about what happens when it goes dark during the day (Vampires come out? Bats come out? Nerds come out?)(Hit and miss) and we see the Simpsons preparing to view the eclipse (They acknowledge here that there are different phases of an eclipse. So that means they knew a solar eclipse has two different types of shadows but didn't give a rat's ass enough to animate it). Homer breaks his viewer and Marge gives him hers which causes her to miss it and hear about everyone loving it. Upset, Marge decides to look at it without a viewer and burns her eyes burn out as soon as some sun rays come through (She should have shared with Maggie, how would she remember?)(.....SCIENCE! It's what this episode LACKS!).

MY EYES! The invisible goggles do nothing for the stupidity of this episode!

Okay where do I  begin? Staring into the sun for 3 seconds does NOT burn your retinas, just staring at it like that would at worst cause minor retina damage that would not become apparent for hours and at worst cause some blind spots. You'd need to be looking at the sun through a telescope for the same period to come close. In other words, YOUR STORY IS STUPID! After a trip to Dr. Hibbert to give Marge treatment for her illogical condition (It's not even the worst thing so I'll buy it for now), we cut back to home as Homer and the family is taking care of Marge. We see that there are rats in the kitchen (Homer lampshades the fact they are referencing Ratatouille. Because as we all know just saying the name of a movie equals humor, right?). Afterwards Homer goes out to get some rat poison (Still using his hair to control himself, how is this funny?). After getting the rat poison (In Shelbyville, for some reason) Santa's Little Helper fights with Maggie for the poison (Okay I know this is a stupid question but why did Homer bring Maggie and the dog with him to buy rat poison? Did he know how the plot was going to go and knew he needed them along? This plot hole hurts).

Because as we all know, you MUST bring your baby and pet along while buying poison

After Homer lampshades the plot hole while driving (That doesn't make up for it, it's still stupid), Homer decides to take a boat across the river to get to Springfield (wait, he can't buy rat poison in Springfield? ......Why?) but he can't take everyone as they're too heavy (Interesting how leaving the poison and the dog behind would make the boat light enough. I guess physics really did leave)(Why haven't you?). Homer breaks the fourth wall by asking the audience and accidentally kills Pr. Frink with some poison (Remember once upon a time when the show kept some mild form of continuity? E.G. When a character left or died, they would stay gone? No? Me neither) and we're left to solve the puzzle we learned in 5th grade (The puzzle, though, wasn't they were too heavy but the tiger couldn't be with the goat in the boat at the same time)(Or there wasn't enough space for all three). Homer gives us all the answer and starts by rowing Maggie across, SLH decides to swim but Homer says no to that idea (How dare SLH bring logic into this show, doesn't he know this season is meant for drooling idio-... nevermind). When Homer leaves Maggie on that side, a nun picks up Maggie and Homer fails to get her back (Making the riddle *Entirely pointless*). We cut back to the home where Homer tells Bart and Lisa about what happened and Lisa volunteers to infiltrate the church to find Maggie.

I guess the whole "Buddhist" thing was just a phase

At the church, Lisa goes in as a "poor little sinner who's lost her way" and gets in (There's also a joke that seems funny on paper but when executed seems so wrong; maybe it's just my dirty mind). We then see Lisa look inside a nursery that doesn't have Maggie but does have some insults against Catholics (I'm not going to allow this to get to me but I will point them out). After Lisa asks if they have any other babies (in an unfunny exchange), Lisa questions why they'd lie to her like that (I don't know, maybe it's none of your business, you're just a newbie to them)(You know, if she was going to blow her cover so soon, why bother with the cover at all?). We then see a mural at the top of the building of Saint Teresa pointing to a jewel in a hand owned by Monty Python (Do yourselves all a favor, go watch Monty Python, it's so much funnier and better than this crap). Lisa finds out from another sister that she needs to find the jewel to find Maggie (This is the point where you should shut it off. The payoff isn't worth it. Well if you had expectations it isn't worth it). The nun points Lisa to the first clue and exits dramatically (Or turns into a vampire! But not one that sparkles, they suck).

It's the source of Monty Python's comedy!

Lisa reads the first clue, which is in Latin that translates out to "Seek God in Heart and Soul" (Okay when did Lisa learn Latin? Or better yet, how the fuck is she able to memorize Latin, it's a pretty difficult language. The plot holes will continue to get larger trust me)(That said, Latin is usually taught in high school by an experienced teacher, spending about five hours a week on it, not counting homework or simple memorization. Just think about that for a few minutes). Lisa concludes that the clue means play "Heart and Soul" on the piano *Bangs head on table*. Yeah sure, this 300-year-old puzzle starts off with a song created in 1938 so why not? So after playing a lyric, the piano opens up and reveals an intricate device that takes forever to get to the next clue (Even Lisa finds it boring how long it takes, that's a bad sign when your own characters find your plot boring). So let's recap, Lisa needs to find a jewel that's centuries old by playing a song created 70 years ago to open up a device that looks like it belongs more in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" and these nuns created this. Time for the booze(Me first!).

Can YOU believe nuns made this?

So after some padding (The device takes up about a minute of screen time, the staff must have been very impressed with their animation or something), we see Homer dressing his arm up like Maggie to fool Marge (It's not funny and leads to nothing, I apologize for even adding this in). We cut back to the device finishing up to open a chamber with the next clue in English this time (Consistency, what's that?) Lisa decides to read every other word for no reason other than she was given the script (Seriously she doesn't read it through once, just assumes it's every other word. Hello writers, normal people would usually read it once through and then try to decipher it)(And even intelligent people know you can't assume you know the cipher right away). It turns out that Lisa needs to find the biggest ring in Springfield as we see a lot of rings we don't usually see. The writers then decide to allow us to play again and find the biggest ring (Well let's see considering it had to be around post-1938 I'd say that Hollywood like sign). Lisa then breaks the fourth wall after the commercial break as it turns out she was talking to Milhouse about the riddle (You're not Deadpool, Lisa, just stick to being pretentious to the townspeople). Lisa figures it must be the "ring" from the bell in the bell tower (That comes in for this episode). Back home, we see Bart filling in for Lisa so that Marge doesn't get suspicious about where she is (Too late, Bart, we know the real Lisa's still missing).

Bart, do I even WANT to know what you do on the weekends?

We cut back to Lisa unmasking Skinner and Comic Book Guy as they reveal that they too are looking for the gem because they are with the Freemasons -er, I mean the "Brethren of the Quest" (Quest? For the One Ring? Hmmmm). Skinner exposits the history of the gem after Lisa blackmails him (Goody, because we didn't have enough plot holes already). It turns out that Saint Teresa had a vision of a gem that would usher in an era of peace and harmony (Big deal, I see those all the time when I'm high)(Really? I just see the Blue Beetle ta- ....never mind). She then sent some nuns to the new world to find the gem (Acting like pirate though, because heaven forbid they actually worship God or act like Catholics *Bites tongue*). After setting up a convent, word got out about their mission for the gem (Lousy security). Benjamin Franklin tells George Washington and King George III about the gem and they (I'm not kidding here) "Staged a phony war of independence" to search for the gem... Words escape me people, I've heard of shitty conspiracy theories, but this is the WORST.

It's a good thing this whole thing is fake. Otherwise, that British soldier might have felt a lot of pain there.

I know it's supposed to be a "joke", and I'm not supposed to take this seriously, but it'd be about as funny as them saying that Hitler used the Holocaust so he could find the treasure of the Baltic Sea. YOU DON'T DO THAT! There was NO thought put into this, the writers just must have looked at National Treasure and said "Hey! We can make our own half-assed version of that". Hundreds of Thousands of people DIED in that war and all you can say was it was fake?! THIS IS STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! (Besides, then what was the rationale for the War of 1812? Second chance to search? At least National Treasure came up with a decent reason to include the Revolutionary War...) I'm this close to cracking people. The nuns then fled to Springfield (Contradicting stories from Lisa the Iconoclast. You know writers, you're not giving me ANY reason to give you credit yet), and it turns out that the gem will be revealed on the first full moon after a solar eclipse (How do we know this is true? It's been over 300 years since the search for the gem took place and nobody's found it yet. I say it was a drug trip St. Teresa was on). Lisa then reveals that she went to the belltower because it was the biggest ring, CBG shoots that down by revealing it's a fake bell and she's a condescending bitch (Okay he doesn't do the latter, but seriously, the writers need to stop writing Lisa as this smart-alec condescending bitch. It's not like her at all). Lisa then finds out the real answer and they all head to the giant SPRINGFIELD.

Subtly; Because thinking is just too damn hard

When they get there, Mr. Burns is already there with his "Faithful Albino" (Get it, because he's that guy from The Da Vinci Code, because this plot was SO subtle. What? You're not laughing? Can't blame you). Lisa then finds out there's a clue on the RING (What) which is "Great Crimes Kill Holy Sage" and she deduces it must be an anagram because of the way it's worded (Makes sense; now can you explain how she knew to use every other word?!). We see Lisa trying to solve the anagram while Skinner and CBG are forced to dig their own graves (Because... it's funny?). After the break we find out that the anagram spells out "Regally the rock gem is Lisa" *Bangs head on wall* How the fuck does that make any sense?! Are you really trying to say that St. Teresa sent her nuns to North America to search for a 'gem' that wouldn't be born for 300 years!? This is honestly some of the laziest writing I've seen in this show and quite possibly any show. Smithers tells Mr. Burns that Lisa IS the gem and it's not in her (This plot device was bad in Men in Black 2 but that had more logic because SHE WAS ALREADY BORN when the message was made)(When MIB 2 makes more sense, you've royally screwed up). Lisa is proud that God would make her the gem (And try to bring her back to Christianity. Just fuck off writers, fuck off) and the gang go to the convent via Mr. Burns' chopper (Get to the choppa!).

There are a lot of things you don't get writers. Like why kids like Cinimmon Toast Crunch 

While they're flying over, I have so many questions, like:

"How many people named Lisa have there been in Springfield in the past 300 years?"(965)

"How many times have there been an eclipse where they chose the wrong Lisa?"(Three)

"Why would God pick Lisa of all people to restore peace and order to the entire world?" (Because it went so WELL with Veidt!)

Thank God there's booze to remove any memory of these questions *Drinks*. At the convent the nuns are singing "O Fortuna" *Drinks some more* and Lisa smugly comes in as the "Gem child" (Seriously why is she such a prick?). The lead nun tells Lisa she's wrong and it turns out that Maggie is the Gem child *Preps myself for a lobotomy*(Ick, NO). This was stupid enough already but now you're going to say it's Maggie?! Oh my God, it's officially happened, the writers have thrown up their hands and just said "Fuck it, we don't care, our audience will buy anything we say". Well it turns out that Lisa misinterpreted the anagram and it really said "It's really Maggie, Sherlock" (And even Lisa points out that that anagram requires you to solve it incorrectly first - and how did the nuns know it'd be Maggie?! ....WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS PLOT?!).

Even M. Night Shyamalan would find this "Twist ending" stupid

When the sun rises we see that everyone is nice and happy all because Maggie was placed on the throne (Bullshit!) Lisa finally believes it's her (Because the writers didn't believe it themselves when they read it back). Marge comes bursting in (Still blind) and grabs Maggie which instantly means no more peace and prosperity (Oh fuck it it's almost over)(Wait, how'd Marge find out?). Maggie then pulls off the bandages to which Marge sees Maggie (Wait a minute Dr. Hibbert said the bandages must stay on for two full weeks yet she takes them off the next day and is perfectly fine. It looks like sense of time went with Physics on vacation)(And we're next). Marge says she couldn't allow her child to stay and God wouldn't want her to sacrifice her for the good of the world, again (Charming *Hits her over the head with a Bible*). Homer gives the convent Bart and we see that when he sits on the throne, all hell breaks loose (You mean EVERYONE'S forced to watch this season FOREVER?! NOOOOOO!!!!!!)

Final Judgment: This episode is terrible. This is the type of episode where the writers say, "Hey we can reference any movies we want and you'll accept it". The writing is terrible, the jokes are terrible, the plot is beyond stupid and the plot holes are big enough to fill with every piece of merchandise The Simpsons ever made. This isn't the worst episode but I rank it low because, frankly, this is just the writers thinking that we have no minds of our own and we have to accept this.

Final Grade: 0.8/10 Watch something else, The Da Vinci Code doesn't have as many plot holes as this (Can we go to Italy now? I hear Florence is lovely this time of year)