The Blue and the Gray

Anti-love, hate, aren't they all the same?

Either way, it's not like this episode creates a positive feeling

Episode 14: At Long Last Leave

Hey look, I've had TWO nights to walk around and get some air and guess what? THIS EPISODE STILL SUCKS! Then again, it's more bland than it is bad there was no discernible difference between this and episode 429 or episode 378, it was just another Modern Simpsons episode written by talentless (And apparently butthurt) hacks. No I'm not going to let that go, they're just fortunate that this was 6th lowest rated episode of the season (And I'm pretty sure it's in the bottom 20 overall, I just don't have the numbers to prove it) and thus not many people saw it. Oh and in terms of the Antartica thing, I was wrong I admit it, but it wasn't because I made it up, it was just more implied that's where they were going last year (See Season 23 preview) Anyways, let's begin this meaningless celebration and hope the writers don't take too much offense when I say I think this sucked (The internet is forever).

Opening title credits mention this as the 500th episode, the couch gag is a montage of the couch gags followed by Homer strangling Bart for no reason...because it's funny?

Actually you know what I love about this? It's the equivalent of Picasso's son claiming to be an artist because of his father. Al Jean and James L. Brooks are the only two people that I can think of on the main staff that are still around and Jean has proven to go the Lucas route of media-senility.

The episode begins with the family watching the news as Brockman constantly does fake-outs of survival drills (3 times, because why not?) Anyways, as a result, the family heads down to their cellar (And they felt the need to include a fart joke...pinnacle of wit ladies and gentlemen). So the family goes into the cellar and after it's revealed that Bart ate the powdered food, Homer decides that he too needs to eat powdered food now (Because the drill was for 3 hours and he'd starve without being an asshat). But of course, it's not powdered food, but instead talc (Because it HAD to be next to the vital supplies) and Homer coughs it back up. So after some more filler, the family decides to go outside while everyone else is away. On the road, the family notices that there are a lot of cars at city hall and they decide to investigate.

I'm so glad the writers think that everyone thinks only of them

By the way, we're at the 5 minute mark here, because heaven forbid they actually have good pacing. Inside, the family finds out that the entire town faked the drill in order to vote on whether or not to evict the Simpsons from Springfield. Remember when the Simpsons were nothing more than an average family living in Anytown USA? Now they are the center of the universe in Springfield Hollywood where the whole town plans meeting to get them out...*sigh* moving on. The family is spotted (And one of the few decent jokes is uttered) and the family questions why they want to banish them. The town explains that Homer and Bart have caused too much damage, Lisa is annoying and Marge is kind-hearted while Maggie doesn't act like a baby (She really got bad after Stewie appeared). Oh, by the way, Sideshow Bob appears for one line and then disappears, two gripes I have with this:

1. Sideshow Bob's awesome, why not make the 500th episode about him? (Even though his recent episodes have sucked at least one could say "Oh yeah, the 500th episode was a Sideshow Bob episode" thus making it memorable for something)
2. One line? You brought in Kelsey Grammer (Had to confirm in the credits, his voice felt off) for ONE LINE?! Screw you

Oh that Homer, he'll have a hard time driving like that

I guess tar just falls off in about a few hours...why even have it in the first place?

Anyways, the family gets taken to the outskirts of Springfield where they are banished forever. The family then proceeds to drive for a while until they reach a point where a man points a rifle at them (They drove all the way to West Virginia?) Actually they end up at an off-the-grid place called "The Outlands" where everyone else is a nobody (...That has to be one of the least creative names I've heard in a while, hey it could be worse, they could do what they did in Cape Feare and redo the opening, but in an unfunny manner, and that's the next scene isn't it?) So of course, we get a reprise of the opening a la "The Thompsons" but unlike that one, this one is lame. The one in Cape Feare felt like a parody of the opening, mocking how ludicrous the idea of the family living in a house boat. This is just the opening re-done a lot like how the writers will parody a movie simply by putting their own characters into the story instead of doing something creative.

Eh this entertainment sucks, let's go shoot some birds

In fairness though, it does provide the best line in this episode: (A fox sitting on a rock) Homer-"Eh, I'm sick of watching fox, let's get some fresh air" that was genuinely funny. So after Marge bitches a bit about how the Outlands is terrible, we get our pointless scene involving the WikiLeaks man (Too lazy to write his name) really, there's not much to say and there was no real point in even having that scene. It wasn't funny, it didn't affect the episode at all and it was a pointless cameo for another pop culture reference that nobody cares about anymore (Who even talks about WikiLeaks anymore?). So immediately afterwards, Homer sneaks Marge back to Springfield, where Wiggum sees them in disguise but doesn't recognize them. Plot development, what's that? I mean, they spent a whole 3 minutes in the Outlands before moving back to the Springfield set. It just feels jarring when you consider that the first 10 minutes were spent evicting the family, just to have them return 3 minutes later, make of it what you will. Oh by the way, I can't help but feel there was a scripting error here, when Wiggum first sees them, he says that Burns must be cold so he starts to unzip his jacket, the very next line from him is "You want my jacket? Here, let me warm up my gun for you" He was handing him his jacket first, the gun comment comes out of nowhere, let's move on.

Yeah because you should TOTALLY give "Mr. Burns" a gun, brilliant logic

Anyways, we see Marge and Homer at the Lard Lad statue, then the bowling alley before getting back home where all the furniture except their bed is gone. Two nitpicks here:

1. Why is the bed still there? Every other piece of furniture is gone except the bed. I know it's a nitpick, but considering the track record for laziness by the writers, it's just odd.
2. So what do those three places have in common? Beats the hell out of me, I honestly have no clue what those three places have in common. I'll quickly name three places that do have something in common: The mini golf course, the nuclear power plant, and their home. What do they have in common? Romantic actions happened in all those places, might be odd, but there is a theme.

Anyways, Marge and Homer are caught and as the police are about to shoot them, Marge decides to go back to the Outlands with Homer and leave everything behind. Oh so the episode will be about how you live with those who accept you for you right? Well let's see. Before we continue, there's one joke I have to address, after Quimby calls himself a jerk, Wiggum asks if he can spray his can of Jerk-off on him...on one hand that's a rather clever joke to get past the censors, on the other hand...ugh I hate low-brow sex jokes.

Seth McFarlane called, he wants his joke back

Back to the Outlands, we see Homer get injured by a stupid idea and the family notices someone in the bush. Like I've said in previous reviews, their fallback joke is "Homer gets hurt" and that's it. In this episode alone, Homer chokes on talc, gets tarred and feathered and now gets sucked into an engine. Random physical humor is funny for only so long and it should not be the focus of a character. Anyways, it turns out to be Lenny Lenford (It's Lenny Leonard) and he asks to be a part of the society and Homer allows him in (I see where this is going, Trash of the Titans made sense for the town's relocation, this is just lazy). After Karl is allowed in as well, we see Moe arrive, then we cut to later as everyone in Springfield is there building a new Springfield... for some reason... logic? Why are they all moving here? There was nothing to indicate that Springfield was worse off than it was before and that the people would want to live here instead. Is it really that hard to include something like "Springfield was overrun by rats, so everyone moved to The Outlands"? It's almost as if this is a horrible lazy ending to try to achieve status quo, but maybe if I get some more fresh air I'll see things their way.

Springfield 2.0 was created after the Ebola virus burst out in Springfield 1

The episode ends with Skinner in Springfield (Which is perfectly fine... again I ask, why did everyone move?) as Bart comes by to pick Skinner up to move him to The Outlands as well along the way hitting him against random objects (And in the next episode, everyone will be back in Springfield like this move never happened).

Final Verdict: This episode sucks, but not nearly as much as the more recent episodes. The jokes were mostly bad, but there were a few decent ones, the story is unoriginal being a combination of Cape Feare, The Simpsons Movie and a sprinkle of Trash of the Titans. Like I said, they spent WAY too much time just getting the family evicted and as a result, their main...well I can't really call it a plot, doesn't start until the halfway mark. The WikiLeaks was entirely pointless and unfunny and overall the episode just felt very short. The ending was extremely lazy and felt rushed. Overall this maybe could've been decent, but I guess the air in the writing room wasn't fresh. Oh and please don't bring up how the family was a metaphor for the show (Banished for being jerks, "Rejected by society", everyone in Springfield misses them when they're gone) it's just the writing staff continuing to stroke their own egos like if they're good or something.

Final grade: 3.0/10 Nothing spectacular and rather forgettable, can't wait for them to announce that they'll be striving for 600 episodes

A Response to the Hurt Feelings of the Writers

Last night was the 500th episode (Aka just another example of why this show no longer cares about quality, but rather quantity). And of course I and about millions of ex-fans watched it purely for the number and a reminder that the 100th episode said it best about milestones with the chalkboard gag:

For the episode itself, it was 'meh' I'll go into more detail tomorrow about how unoriginal the story was and how lazy and stupid the ending was (There needs to be effort put in for why status quo is achieved). But by reading the title, that's not why you're here. As the episode ended, the staff decided to be oh so clever and tell the audience how they feel about people like me:

Translation: They Mad

Instead of being able to just put out an episode and wait for critique (Good and bad) they decided to tell everyone to fuck off and understand that this episode didn't suck. Well guess what, we all went outside, it still sucked! Newsflash writers: NOBODY LIKED YOUR ENDING! I have not seen one person actually defend the lazy ending or this middle finger to the audience. I've seen people like the beginning and middle, but a lot of people agreed that the ending was shit.

And now I pose a question to the writers if they aren't already crying into their hundred dollar bills because I don't kiss their asses on a weekly basis and voice an actual opinion: If you cannot handle criticism, why are you in the show business? Outside of professional sports, I can think of NO place worse than show business in terms of criticism, when you go to Hollywood and sign that contract, you give up the right to not accept criticism, you need to have thick skin to live in Hollywood, not everyone will say you're great or every idea you have is excellent, you WILL get negative feedback. Now if you're talented, that negative feedback will be at a minimum and you'll be able to shrug it off, but if you aren't talented, the negative feedback will pile up quickly. In your case, it's the latter. You could have gone three ways with this

1. Accept the criticism and look for ways to improve, therefore making yourself better at your art.
2. Block out the criticism and continue to do what you do.
3. Block out the criticism and tell everyone criticizing you that they're wrong and you're right.

Now most successful people will take 1. Most people who burn out take 2, and Uwe Boll will take 3. Now, say what you will about guys like the Nostalgia Critic being unfunny or rude, at least when he was told that his Bart's Nightmare sucked, he owned up to it, he didn't tell us to go walk outside, he didn't say we didn't get it, he knew it was bad and apologized. Writers, I hope in  the future that, before, you submit a script for air, you go out for some fresh air. Maybe if you do, you'll finally start seeing the crappy jokes and horribly-written endings. Baby steps will lead to something good and hopefully a series finale that won't suck.

I'm Kriken and that's all I have to say

Episode 13: The Daughter Also Rises

Ugh... Lisa falls in love with a guy voiced by Michael Cera, a guy who hasn't been really relevant since 2010. Bart and Homer decide to "Parody" Mythbusters, because that hasn't been done a thousand times on Youtube already by talentless hacks. But hey, maybe, just maybe, in the hands of a competent writer, this episode might not be total crap, I mean, the last episode was so stupid that they couldn't possibly put a talentless writer on this and *Reads credits*... Lazebnik... Rob FUCKING Lazebnik... Rob "I can't possible write anything good to save my family" Lazebnik...actually in all irony, Rob Lazebnik's last writing credit was last year's Valentine's Day episode The Blue and the Gray. Eh could be worse, could be Brian Kelley injecting his misogynistic undertones into a Valentine's Day episode. Enough with the positives,onto the review itself.

The episode begins with Bart and Milhouse next to their Valentine's Day cards as they decide to watch a random Itachy and Scratchy cartoon (It's short, but even for I and S violence, this is random). They are interrupted when Kirk pokes his head through the window to remind Milhouse not to watch Itchy and Scratchy...so the writers have officially given up on logic at the 2 minute mark, we're screwed. I mean Kirk just RANDOMLY appears outside of the Simpsons resident just for the sake of a piss-poor joke, is it really THAT hard to justify why a character would be at a certain place? I guess so because that would require effort on the part of the writing staff. As a result of Kirk's lone appearance (Never shows up for the remainder of the episode, I'm not lying) Bart changes the channel and on comes "Mythcrackers"... eh, give them credit, at least their parody wasn't called "Mythboosters".The again, that's the ONLY positive thing about this subplot, it's all downhill from here.

Next time on Mythbusters, our guys- Dammit Pete, you misspelled "Busters" again

As a result, Marge tells Bart and Milhouse not to watch TV, which leads to a series of scenes I call "We know other forms of viewing television" as it results in Bart and Milhouse watching the show at a monitor at a gas station... maybe it's because I'm an East Coast guy, but I have never seen a gas station with television monitors in the pumps. Nice to know that the writers can connect so well with the average Joes of America *Cough*Detached from reality*Cough*. Anyways, Mythbusters (I don't know how I mixed up those two shows...oops) decide to try one thing, but end up doing something completely different for the sake of EXPLOSIONS!!! Is this a parody of Mythbusters or Michael Bay films? I'm sorry but randomness does not equal comedy, especially given how the satire of this show used to be subtle. In other words, they would not announce what they were "Making fun of" while doing it, sorry, let's move on. So Bart and Milhouse decide to replicate what they did and they cause a cellphone to explode at the gas station, to which we get a "CONFIRMED" title placed over the scene (Wow, I'm so impressed by a title someone could make in Windows Movie Maker on top of an episode... yeah I really don't care for this running gag, it's just not funny). Back home, we see Homer getting ready for Valentines Day as Marge informs Homer that he can do whatever he wants for the day as her gift to him. Homer is a bit paranoid of this, but Marge insists that Homer take Bart somewhere and have fun.

My wife is cheating on me at this very moment, heh-heh-h- wait a second

Oh and in case you figure that this will lead into some clever "Homer suspects Marge is cheating on him on Valentine's Day" plot, you'd be wrong, this goes absolutely NOWHERE. I can literally sum up what happens in one sentence: Homer takes Bart to the batting cages and "hilarity" ensues.This is utterly pointless, there is no reason for Homer's quick paranoia or his scene, if they wanted to justify why Marge and Lisa would be alone on Valentine's Day, I've got a reason: Marge gives Homer tickets to a basketball game with Bart, Homer gives Marge tickets to a ballet, they agree to have a romantic evening when they get home. There, problem solved, why are these guys getting paid? So after a montage of Jerkass Homer and Bart enjoying themselves (Okay there is one decent joke with the tickets and the prize exchange, despite the fact that they have done it before) we see Marge and Lisa at a restaurant as Marge tries to start up a conversation with Lisa but decides that a bad salad bar joke is in order (Oh and Professor Frink shows up for one scene which is completely pointless... that makes it what? Two characters appearing randomly and then disappearing so far?)

Love at first sight Norman Bates style, how romantic

 Back at the table, Lisa looks through a crack and notices a boy reading A Farewell to Arms and gets spotted by said boy (Although given how he acts throughout the episode, calling him a "Boy" is VERY generous, I'm just going to call him a 30 year old midget from now on, and you'll see why). So the midget named Nick invites Lisa to the dessert bar where the writers pretend this scene is romantic when in reality it's about as sterile as the Star Wars Prequels (Maybe I'm exaggerating here, I mean I think I may have seen some emotion from Attack of the Clones). Lisa tells her name to Nick which is supposed to be a romantic scene, which you can understand why they feel the need to cut to Moe at Nick's table sticking his arm through the hole to offer Marge some pasta (Is the idea of letting a scene sink in considered unholy to this writing staff?). At school, we see Bart and Milhouse begin their mythbusting careers as they find out that a vending machine is ordinary (Oh and they decide to put in a cigarette joke that lacks subtlety and tries to hammer itself in because we couldn't possibly get the joke on the first 3 parts). Speaking of running a joke into the ground, we cut to Lisa and Nick as Lisa shows that if she cuts off her peripheral vision, it seems like Paris, we see this played out four times (Because we're too stupid to get it by the second time...seriously, are the test audiences mentally deficient or something?).

Come play with us Marge... come play with us

After a scene trying to make juice boxes seem high class (Please kill me, please kill me, please-) we cut to a quilt making shop as we see Marge with Sherri and Terri's family as Sherri and Terri start moving a la ball under cups trick...am I on drugs? Lisa then comes in and we begin to plant the seeds of false tension between Marge and Lisa (Ugh... it's Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life all over again, NO! I'm not dealing with that shit today, let's move on!). Although there is ONE thing I want to point out, a third twin appears in the motion and they say "Or maybe you're losing your mind", yes Sherri, Terri and Berri, I am losing my mind at this point. Back at school, myth two involves swinging over the swingset and it proves to be false (*Yawn* how riveting, I could watch this for hou- ZZZZ). After a montage of Lisa and Nick (Along with some terrible jokes) we cut back home as Lisa decides to tell Marge about her crush on Nick (But not without Homer acting like and assclown...there are only so many words to describe my hated for "Jerkass Homer" and only a few that would get past the censors) and Marge allows Nick to come over for dinner (As long as Juliet is banned from this house, Nick can come over).

Marge: Why Nick, are you trying to seduce me?

Nick: Actually it's your daughter I'm interested in

The next night we see why I called Nick a 30 year old midget; Nick comes over with a bottle of wine while flirting with Marge and Maggie... eewwwwwww, now I will NEVER get that image out of my head, FUCK YOU LAZEBNIK! Actually I'm honestly trying to understand why he brought wine, Lisa is 8, Nick is... God only knows, but apparently he still lives with his mother, at no point does Nick actually act like a kid. Say what you want about Stewie from Family Guy or the kids from South Park, in the end, they still make child-like mistakes, they still have child-like innocence and ignorance. Nick never displays this, he always acts like he's in his late teens or early twenties from a sophisticated family (Which we never see by the way). As a result, Nick does not come across as charming, but rather as creepy. Anyways, Nick wants to take Lisa to some fair at the gym (Which given his character so far, seems like he's asking her out to the prom) and Marge begins to resent Lisa and Nick's relationship as it's taking Lisa away from her (And now we've got Dude, Where's my Ranch? included in this clusterfuck of a plot). So later, Lisa approaches Grampa at the Retirement Home (For some reason) and tells him about how she fells towards Marge's resentment. This inspires Grampa to tell Lisa about the story of Pyramus and Thisbe (For some other reason...) Anyways, Lisa points out the obvious comparisons... You cannot be serious writers!

The fine folks at Dizney would be insulted

Grampa ends the story by saying that their kiss turned them into a tree as it turns out, his story was Disney's version, complete with a talking parrot... excuse me a moment *Goes to scream expletives into a pillow* That joke was completely awful, forget about how they explained the joke, let's instead talk about how the show could actually make fun of Disney without seeming like complete assclowns in the process. I'm sorry, but this joke coupled with a double dose of Jerkass Homer in the story just makes that scene unbearable for me. Anyways, Lisa asks Grampa to help her on a romantic mission and he agrees (Wait a second, what was the plot again? Lisa meets Nick, Lisa falls in love with Nick, Marge gets jealous, Lisa wants to kiss Nick under a tree as a very romantic gesture...am I missing something? Seems very lacking to me). Back at school, we see Bart and Milhouse to a school version of Bloody Mary in the girls bathroom as they get scared when Lunch Lady Doris comes in to wash her hands (Phil Hartman characters get respect when he dies, Doris Grau on the other hand... Fuck her, it's not like the writing staff should give two shits about her. Next they'll teabag her tombstone). So everyone is disappointed that all the myths were busted and Bart and Milhouse decide to team up with Willie to make a new myth up to scare everyone and thus that subplot ends.

What's the matter, you guys look like you've seen a ghost

So essentially we got "Bart and Milhouse are the hosts of Mythbusters"... does anyone else feel like this was just a promotion for Mythbusters rather than a parody of it? Like with The D'oh-Cial Network, instead of parodying the source material, the writers instead watch something and come up with the brilliant scheme of "We can put our characters in that movie/show". That is one of the laziest forms of writing and I weep for our future. Anyways, Grampa apparently gets chased by the cops as he's driving Nick and Lisa to an beach to get to an island as Grampa gets taken back while the kids run off (What was the point of the police? Oh right, for that amazing "Spanish TV" joke... ugh). Anyways, Nick begins to seem like a wimp while he and Lisa row to the island while Marge and the family drive to try to prevent Lisa and Nick from kissing on the island (There's just no end to this, is there?) After an unfunny, padded out watershoes gag (Not the last time it'll be used, I can assure you) Lisa and Nick get under the tree as Nick acts even more nerdy and Lisa says "Shut up and kiss me"... Lisa, the FEMINIST, feels the need to place her love for a boy over herself as an equal...THIS WRITING SUCKS!!!

Can you two move out of the way? We're trying to film Twilight

But just as Lisa is about to become a Barbie doll of a character, she gets a vision of Hemingway's wives and a marlin advising her not to go through with this...I think I must be on drugs, no sober person could possibly find this entertaining. Lisa decides against the kiss as Marge finally gets there to stop them. Nick admits that he's a fraud and heads back in the boat (Then what the fuck is he? I have no clue who this 30 year old midget is, is he a postman? Is he homeless? Is he part of the upper class? ANSWER ME!). Lisa tells Marge that she couldn't do it because a person you kiss under a Mulberry tree is someone you'll love for the rest of your life, and Marge proceeds to give Lisa a kiss on her head (How sweet... if only this episode wasn't shit, I may have cared). Marge and Lisa try to walk back to the shoreline as Homer for no reason grabs a fan boat and randomly sinks (How cute, the writers think they can be funny). The episode ends with Homer getting up saying "If a fat man stays still, he floats" as he sinks with a "MYTH CRACKED" sign over the screen (And the episode comes full circle, too bad the circle turned out to be two parallel lines).

Final Verdict: This episode SUCKED. The stories were boring and stupid with the main one being a "Lisa/Bart finds Boy/Girlfriend" story with no originality, the jokes were just awful and the padding was annoying. Nick is uninteresting, unappealing and underdeveloped and his character change in the final act is just jarring. I don't blame  Mike Cera, this script was awful he had nothing to work with here. Now this isn't AS bad as last year's Valentine's Day episode, but that's not saying much.

Final Grade: 1.5/10 Only way to watch this is with some Valentine's Day cocktails. Next time is the 500th episode, where the Simpsons go to Antartica... stop laughing, it's the actual plot

Mountain of Madness

Finishing up this Winter wonderland at last. Bummer, probably going to go back to the crap

Episode 12: Moe goes from Rags to Riches

A talking bar rag... Where can I go from there?! I mean, does that even SOUND like a good idea? When was the last time an animated piece of cloth able to be entertain- okay besides Towlie. I mean this sounds like a parody of a Simpsons episode *Cough* Simpsons Spin-off Showcase *Cough* and they took the idea seriously. If there's one thing I've repeated ad nauseum, it that these writers just don't get comedy. So, let's take a look at today's episode. Oh and by the way, from now on, I'll just mention the opening sequence time right before I start each review from now on.

Opening Sequence: 1:33

The episode begins with everyone at Moe's bar for the town meeting as Mayor Quimby explains that City Hall is being fumigated for bed bugs. This causes the seeds for a riot as Quimby suddenly causes the jukebox to play a dance song and everyone breaks out in dance... did I just hit the fast forward button? These types of scenes go at the end of episodes, not the beginning. Oh and Bart, Milhouse and Lisa are all at Moe's Tavern... logic? Yeah right, characters appear wherever they want to. I'm sorry but there isn't much to talk about here, Homer defies physics, a Mexican Duffman appears for no reason and it just has the feeling of a bad ending rather than the beginning of an episode. Anyways, this leads to Karl asking Moe who his best friend is and he cannot think of a legitimate answer (Homer, Lenny, Karl, Barney, the other bar flies...) and Lenny says that Moe's friend is his bar rag for how often he uses it (Oh and a small side note, Moe mentions he made a friend with a product on Facebook... I thought there was no Social networks in Springfield hence the need for Lisa to create Facebook and- OH GOD MY BRAIN HURTS FROM THE LOGIC ERROR) After everyone laughs at Moe (Who doesn't even care that he's being made fun of... this IS Moe Syzlak, right?) Bart insults Moe by saying that the rag is worse than Milhouse as a friend. Milhouse then decides that was the last straw and leaves... wait, what just happened? Did a plot just start? Did Milhouse just get replaced by an alien? Dear God now it feels rushed, it was ONE insult and then poof, Milhouse leaves and Bart feels abandoned.

Long lost brothers, perhaps?

Anyways, some more people approach Moe just to be a jackass towards his rag (Because it was so funny the first time...) I mean, seriously? Characters appearing JUST to be assholes? THAT'S TERRIBLE WRITING! After Moe throws his rag to the bar, it rises up slightly to reveal a face... is it just me or does this rag look like a grey version of the Sorting Hat? The rag reveals itself to be Jeremy Irons, er I mean part of a tapestry from 1000 years ago (Right... and my Blankie was part of the Shroud of Turin). We begin our tale in 11th Century France as we see a Medieval style Simpsons family as Homer is a knight, Marge is a weaver of some kind and the children are pointless. After Homer sets out for a duty in the Crusades, Pope Smithers and Duke Burns (He might be Pope or a Bishop, or even a Priest, but the episode doesn't elaborate). Oh and small note here; After Burns says "Enough!" we see him reach for his sword, pull it out about an inch, and then put it back in. Was there just a miscommunication between the animators and the writers? Because it really looks like that animation was meant for another scene because it just comes off as awkward in real time. Duke Burns then informs Marge to weave him a tapestry with certain images within 25 years for two coins (BORING! Get to the good stuff alre- correction, get to the ending already!)

Marge: What happened to you?
Homer: Tis but a scratch
Marge: A scratch? You lost your arm!
Homer: No I didn't

On his way out, Duke Burns decides to randomly kill some sheep blocking his path and apparently the sheep's wool is now cursed or something which causes Marge to work non-stop looming images in history instead of what Burns wanted (Oh and a small note, while Marge is weaving, we see Homer come back multiple times with grave injuries. I'm glad they didn't reference Monty Python and the Holy Grail here because I could see them butchering the comedy from the Black Knight). as a result, Jeremy Irons reveals himself to be said tapestry (Jeremy, you are perfectly capable of raising the quality of shit as demonstrated in Dungeons and Dragons WHY ARE YOU SO BORING HERE?!) Back to 11th Century France, we see that 25 years have passed but the kids have not grown up (They've aged but have not grown out... I guess that's the joke?) We then see Duke Burns and Smithers (Neither of which have aged... duh, continuity, what's that?!) arrive for the tapestry impressed by it, but they decide to burn down Marge's house because it wasn't what he asked for... But he said he'd pay her for it, wouldn't that mean that he'd take it and not pay for it? Dear God, the writers can't even remember what happened less than 3 minutes ago, abandon all hope right now. Anyways, while Burns rides off, his horse trips and he falls off a cliff only to be hung on a tree by the tapestry.

No, no, the death tree belongs in 300

Okay nothing more to add to this time period, now to move onto the next- oh fuck me they're still in this time period. Later we see random people come up to use Burns' corpse as a pinata as Ralph hits Clancy in the crotch, which causes him to draw what happened on a cave wall for "France's Funniest Cave Paintings"... *Glares* So we then cut to it inside a Cathedral (Seriously, why couldn't they have transitioned from "Death of Burns" to "Inside Cathedral" it would have made just as much sense and wouldn't have wasted our time, and I just realized why they didn't do it) where we see that it's being treated like a rockstar when women appear just to throw keys and steel panties... oh come on , I JUST used the "NOT FUNNY" bit, I can't keep using it. We then see the Cathedral get invaded by Vikings as they decide to use Viking Homer as a battering ram because physical abuse towards Homer is funny after the 4,783rd time, right? After a pointless bit from the monks, Viking Homer decides to take the tapestry for himself. He is shocked to see that the tapestry predicted all he would do and eats a bit of it (Ah yes, a fat joke again, because Homer has no character outside of pain and being fat).

Look Bart, I told you, I just can't stand reading the slash-fics between us anymore

Later, we see Bart approach Milhouse outside his room begging for Milhouse to come back tom him (But not in the right way, but rather the shitty sitcom way) and Milhouse says no. I have to ask, what's the point of this subplot? It serves no purpose, it's not funny and if the biography plot was the least bit engaging, I would say this subplot removes me from it every time it comes up. I just don't get it. We then cut back as Jeremy Irons gives us a recap (Again proving my point that the subplot would detach us from the main story if it were the least bit interesting) and we cut back to Persia as Monk Homer barters it for Gold and jewels and the Persians get angry at them. Homer reminds them twice that it was Christians that screwed them over...ugggggghhhhh, not funny. Oh and by the way, this is the last time the tapestry records history and that part of the history is completely dropped... why bother to bring it up in the first place if you weren't going to do anything with it? Anyways, we see Nelson as a Persian King (Sure why not?) as he apparently throws wives that are uninteresting into a pit. Lisa appears as his next wife and to save herself, she tells him the tale of Ali Baba and the 40 thieves. This causes Nelson to become interested in her stories and he listens to them for 1000 days (Sure, why not?). While he is asleep, Lisa goes to free the wives with a ladder. when she returns, he asks for another story but she refuses. He tries to get his guards to attack, but they're all dead and the wives proceed to kill Nelson during a full moon... Wait a second! It was morning when Lisa freed the wives, and then it was midnight when they killed him... continuity? Effort? Bueller?

Okay, it's morning here...

And now it's nighttime in the VERY NEXT SCENE!

The cloth (It is no longer a tapestry since they couldn't care about continuity) is then moved to Spain where it is used to help in executions... I'm sorry what was the point of that? Oh and a side note, the past 5 minutes have been more bloody than their previous Treehouse of Horror. Isn't THAT where the violence is supposed to go? We then see that the rag was used by Michelangelo for the Sistine Chapel and then discarded after it was done, is anyone else bored as all hell at this point? I'm sorry, I just cannot make this interesting. Afterwards, we cut back to present day as people are just walking on the rag and Moe contemplates getting a new rag... for all of 3 seconds before treating it like Linus' security blanket... THESE JOKES ARE TERRIBLE! We then see Bart approach Milhouse again with a speech to try to win him back, but when Milhouse sees through the empty speech, he tells Bart to leave and he goes (How essential, I would have lost sleep if I didn't know that Bart went back to beg for their friendship back). The rag continues his backstory as we find out it was part of a Confederation flag, then part of a rag soup during the depression, then it was part of a flag for a Mount Everest climb.

Thank God nobody on DeviantArt cares about this show anymore

If it seems like I'm speeding through this, don't worry, the episode speeds through this, you're not missing anything. Also a side note, Comic Book Guy randomly appears in a blimp on the Mount Everest expedition to say "Worst climbing everest"... Ugggggggggghhhhhhhh MAKE IT STOP! Please make it stop. We then find out that a Yeti picked up the rag and gave it to his son Moe... WHU!? Random does not equal funny, dear God why won't this end already? This causes us to cut to present day as the rag gets taken by someone. The next morning we see that Bart camped out in Milhouse's front yard bush as he begs for forgiveness and he'll allow him to do anything. Milhouse has Drederick Tatum punch him in the arm (Because he know him somehow... wait what?) and they are friends again. Wow, 4 scenes, about 3 minutes total, I'm so glad this was put in... I am so bored right now. We then see Moe look for his rag as he asks Wiggum but Wiggum doesn't know and he gets into "Wacky hijinks" with his stolen police cruiser... it's almost over just 3 more minutes.

And happy endings are had by all... well except the audience

We then see that the rag was washed by Marge as Moe bursts in and thanks Marge for cleaning it, but then asks why. Marge explains that she saw he cared so much about that rag that she decided to clean  it when she returned to the bar for her purse. So if that timeline is correct, that would imply that the subplot occurred within a 12 hour timeframe? Bart is not that needy you brainless twats! Hell, he actually lasted longer without his soul, ugh whatever the episode's almost over. Moe finds out that everyone in the family (Including Milhouse, who is there for some reason) are his friends and he decides to throw out the bag rag as a result... do the writers really think Moe is that lonely that he only held onto that rag as a friend?  Screw it, just one more scene. The episode ends with Santa's Little Helper picking up the bar rag as Jeremy Irons expresses how loved he feels.

Final Verdict: This episode was beyond boring I mean did anyone CARE about Moe's bar rag? I know I didn't, the pacing ranged from sped up at places to just bogging down with no real flow, the jokes were just terrible and nothing stood out, the writing was awful between bad characterization and dropped ideas, in all, this was a terrible episode that nobody will remember 5 years from now.

Final Grade: 1.0/10 Just wretched, poor Jeremy Irons, having to reduce himself to this

So it's come to this: Ponies Vs. Simpsons

Now even though there will be a new episode tonight, I thought I'd take the chance to talk about this. If you don't know this already, I do indeed watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (Damn you TGWTG forums!) and I've been keeping up with the show on a weekly basis. No I am not obsessed with the show and will never create fanfiction nor fanart of how Rainbow Dash is a lesbian or how Derpy Hooves teams up with Doctor Whooves etc. So, why do I bring this all up on a blog where I specialize in The Simpsons? Simple:

Now does this remind you of anything? What SHOULD come to mind is The Music Man seeing as it's a parody of "Ya Got Trouble". But what people immediately thought was the Monorail song.

And can you blame them, while The Music Man is a popular movie, Marge vs. the Monorail is fresher in our culture and is considered by many as one of if not the greatest episodes of The Simpsons. But really after this musical number is where the comparisons die in my opinion. While strangers do approach the town with a crazy concoction to sell to the citizens of said town. Lyle Lanley is there purely to scam the town by building a cheap monorail and pocketing the profits. Flim and Flam on the other hand are there with a device to supply the town with more cider since supply appears to be low while demand is high. Really the second half of MLP: FiM resembles the tale of John Henry and how he beat a steam powered hammer. The resemblance is actually rather uncanny

• Both involve old fashioned work tactics that are threatened by new technology
• Both go into competition about which method is better
• In the end, technology loses

But I've gotten off track, you're reading this to see how I feel about the comparison between these two. 

Song:

Beleive it or not, I'm going to give the edge to MLP: FiM for the reason that their song actually lasts more than a minute (EDIT: Also, the song is more interesting and memorable is why I gave the point. Not that the monorail song was uninteresting or forgettable). However, The Simpsons' version was not really a parody of the song itself rather than a parody of how the song affected the townspeople. The townspeople were easily influenced by a song and The Simpsons was making fun of that concept

Sorry, but this song IS more interesting

Villain:

Lyle Lanley by a mile. Lyle actually has a deceptive motivation, he wants to rob the people of their money. Flim and Flam on the other hand... their motivation still eludes me. They come to town promising to keep up the supply and even offer their machine to the Apple family in exchange for a sizable cut of the profits (And if this show weren't for kids, there would have been haggling involved). However when they say no, F&F decide to attempt to run the Apple family out of business as competition. Their motivation is money much like LL, but it seems more like business competition rather than bad intentions so they aren't strong villains.

Lyle knows where you live Marge

Harold Hill Stand-in:

Now this category is going based purely on who is more enjoyable. Just who is more fun to watch. And again, Lyle Lanley by a lot. Lyle is just so much fun to watch throughout this episode and he is my all time favorite Phil Hartman character. The F&F brothers are good as well, but Lyle Lanley stole that episode while the F&F brothers were just... there. Outside of the musical number, there was no one scene in my opinion where they just made a name for themselves. So point to the Simpsons

Who is that mysterious looking man from the 30's?

Just Desserts:

This category goes to which one had a better ending for the villain. Now the winner here goes to MLP: FiM for two reasons

1. They didn't wuss out on the competition and have the Apple family win because they are main characters
2. Despite the F&F brother's victory, they didn't earn it and the townsfolk let them know

Now, that's not to say that The Simpsons ending wasn't good, watching Lyle Lanley land in North Haverbrook thinking that he's won was priceless. Point to MLP: FiM 

They won, but at what cost?

The Episode itself:

Okay this is probably the most lopsided category I could choose her seeing as I called Marge Vs. The Monorail a consensus top episode. It's not like Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 (Try saying that 3 times fast) is anything to scoff at, but it's just hard to argue against the monorail. When people think of the monorail episode before The Music Man you know you've done something right. So of course point to the Simpsons

I AM VICTORIOUS!!!

Final Count:

Marge Vs. The Monorail: 3

Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000: 2

So yeah I do think that the monorail episode is better. But it's not like the cider episode is bad, it's pretty good. So yeah I might try this again, leave feedback (Mostly hate from Bronies) and I'll see you tomorrow.

Lisa on Ice

Lisa take on her life long dream of NOT failing a class by joining a pee-wee hokey team.

And only by her help can this group of outcasts win the title game... sorry wrong theme.

Episode 11: The D'oh-Cial Network

What was it that Krusty said a few weeks ago about how animation departments take a long time to animate these things so thus their topical references seem dated when they air but we shouldn't blame them? Do as I say, not as I do is the phrase that comes to mind because they continue to put out dated shit and expect us to think it's topical NOW. So today we get a washed up episode about social networks, yeah because a better show hasn't already done something similar in a much better way *Cough* You Have 0 Friends *Cough* Yeah I could go on, but let's just take a look at this trainwreck and continue on with our lives.

The episode begins (But not without a long ass intro sequence that takes up 1:54. Yeah padding is going to be a common theme here) with a court scene of Blue-Haired lawyer questioning Lisa about how her actions brought devastation upon the town (She found out the last decimal place of Pi?) After some more forced dialogue (Yeah I'm going to keep complaining about how their characters never talk like people but talk like bad sitcom characters because I hate that) Bart acts out and Marge tells him it's okay to do it at home but not in public (...*pounds face into wall*). Marge then tells Lisa to tell her side of the story (Because Lisa could not afford a lawyer or something... I've watched this episode 3 times and I STILL have no idea how or why she's in court, what charges are brought against her, who is filing the charges or who is defending Lisa. This episode is confusing and I'll go into more detail why later).

~When you see my face, hope it gives you hell...~

As Lisa is ready to go into flashback mode (Anyone else getting Falcon and the D'ohman flashbacks themselves?) it's halted by BHL (Blue Haired Lawyer, I'm just saving space here) telling everyone to imagine it for themselves (Oh for Christ's sake, GET ON WITH IT!) The flashback begins with a movie of McBain and Mendoza (Rule of entertainment; never remind us of better things we could be watching) as it turns out that Homer was watching that from someone else's car while he was driving (I'm sorry, was that meant to be a joke? The execution was terrible). Anyways, Homer parks in a space, but after seeing someone approach behind him he decides that the runtime was 30 seconds too short and decides to pad it out by doing an unfunny bit with him pretending to be leaving, but then tells the man he wasn't, I especially love the exchange between Homer and Bart:

• Bart: We totally wasted his time
• Homer: And ours

Guy: Hey! Are you that guy who ran over my poodle?!
Homer: I thought I could turn your poodle into a puddle *Heh-heh-heh*

Nice to know that unfunny padding qualifies as entertainment. Anyways, in the fancy new mall (That will never be seen outside this episode. Anyone want to take that bet?) we get some more pointlessness as we get a scene of a harmless trolley and a drawn out unfunny scene of Lenny loosing his marbles (We're at the 5:30 mark and we still have no clue why Lisa is in court. GET ON WITH IT!) Anyways, on the trolley, Marge goes through her purse as she decides to throw away gift cards of companies that went out of business and thus begins a 'in memoriam' scene of gift cards with "hilarious" parody names... I'll be out back with a whiskey jar wondering why I just didn't quit on this show 5 years ago like I should have. Marge then gives everyone a gift card and they all split off, Homer goes to "Cinnabun" (Get it? They changed the "O" to a "U" therefore it's funny, right?!) Bart goes to a complexion store (Run by a female Milhouse based on the voice) and Lisa goes to a "Blocko" store where she is told that she is not allowed to buy a Lego, er I mean Blocko and make something new with it (My collection says otherwise). 

What a witty parody, what will they think up next?

The last one I don't even get, I know that Lego in the 50's to 60's (Not exactly sure, just off the top of my head) sold Legos in boxes with no real instructions. They do that occasionally today, so I don't really get this, maybe I'm looking too deep into this and giving it more thought than the writers did. BHL then asks Lisa if the court REALLY needs to hear all these details and Lisa insists that it is as she left a lot out and clean up the swears (And yet they SOMEHOW didn't make the runtime based on this alone. These guys are fucking lazy as they pad out this episode to the max and insist it's all needed. The only reason it's needed is because they couldn't be bothered with putting in actual effort). Lisa then goes back into flashback mode as we find out that she approached Sherri and Terri but they told her she was uncool and Lisa is saddened by this (Two things; 1. Where have I heard this recently? 2. Initially I thought the animators got lazy with Lisa's arm bands and forgot to animate them, but after watching it again, you can see them for a brief second before she approaches them. As much as I want to call out the animators for this, they actually did put this in for a brief second so they win this round). 

Somewhere, the CEO of Apple is not insulted

Oh and BTW, notice how this display was NOT in the establishing shot.

After Marge pulls Homer away from the Cinnabon (I'm surprised they didn't call it the "Cinnabin" I is closer to O than U is on the keyboard) she takes Homer into the "Mapple" store (... yeah I'm just going to refer to it as Apple instead) Homer notices an ultra-thin MacBook as Homer decides to buy it... for some reason... somehow considering what he makes... do you get the point yet? So after Homer somehow paid for it, we see him at home using it at the kitchen table (IT'S THE 8:30 MARK AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY LISA IS IN COURT YET! DEAR GOD JUST GET ON WITH IT!) Lisa then comes in dejected as she tells Homer and Marge that she has no friends (Janey, Ralph, Milhouse, Allison... are we getting the point yet?) Oh and it might just be coincidental but as I stated earlier, the South Park episode dealing with social networks was titled You have 0 Friends maybe I'm looking too deep into that line. So after Homer decides to act like a jerkass for no reason (tee-hee, Homer downloaded Shakespeare just to delete it, Homer funny) we see Lisa up late in a Springfield chat as she tries to find out what other people have in common with her. 

Let's see, if I buy 30 lbs. of Yellow Cake Uranium, I get 20 lbs. free... SWEET!

After Bart upsets Jimbo... somehow hearing him (Random does not equal funny) Lisa decides that she should set up an online meeting place to find other people with similar interests as her so that she can make more friends. AND TIME! The plot decides to show up at the 9:35 mark... IT TOOK THEM 9 AND A HALF MINUTES?! DEAR GOD MOVIES DON'T TAKE THAT LONG AND THEY GET A 90 MINUTE RUNTIME, ugh this is gonna suck. After the commercial break, we cut back to the courtroom where BHL decides to recap what we've already seen... Have I said that the writers are targeting this show towards toasters? I take that back, toasters aren't this dumb. I'm thinking now more along the line of rocks. Lisa then explains that she gathered some of her online friends to help construct this site as we go back into flashback mode (Hang on, need to recover from the whiplash a bit). Lisa tells everyone that "SpringFace" (UGGGHHH....) will be popular as soon as they finish coding it. Then Nelson appears (For some reason, why would he be in the computer lab?) as he decides to beat up on all the nerds sans Lisa for being there ("More padding, less substance!"- Matt Selman to the writing staff) 

I guess nerds really aren't all that smart

Back in the courtroom, we find out that her site was an instant success (So Lisa too has fallen prey to the "Instant expert" bug of the writing staff. I thought she'd be immune). We then get a montage of kids from Springfield Elementary using Facebook (No I will not refer to it by that shit name, it's degrading to humor) as we find out that everyone either has a laptop or a smart phone that they use during recess (Maybe in Hollywood, but not in Springfield). Really there is just so much stupid (Like the Skinner-Chalmers scene) and nothing funny, it's hard to talk about these scenes. Anyways, Lisa gets 1001 friends on Facebook as she finds out that grownups use it as well (Blah, blah, blah WHY IS LISA IN COURT?!) Oh and I like how basically the only forms of laptops/smartphones are Apple based. Does FOX have a contract with Apple or something? It's rather clear that this staff wanted Steve Jobs to cameo on this show before he died and I guess they just want to stay relevant with Apple (Something I mentioned last year). After Lisa is impressed by creating something popular (The same Lisa that would rather have something scientific over something with cute factor win a science fair? Eh nevermind it's not the same circumstances, just throwing it out there) Homer decides to act like a clueless moron because that's what he is today, derpty-doo. 

Because everyone in America has a tablet, smartphone or laptop in the writing staff's eyes
in other news; America is still in a recession

After BHL explains what just happened AGAIN (Rocks are now having their intelligence insulted) we get some more scenes of grownups using Facebook, from things like Homer drunk texting Marge (He didn't need Facebook to do that) the church checking their FB during church (Including Ned Flanders... NO! Just... NO!) Lisa goes around the playground as everyone's too busy with FB to play with her as she says she feels even more alone (Bored, bored, bore- ZZZZ....) BHL AGAIN sums up what happened not 5 minutes ago (This writing staff learned by reading "Writing for idiots" but they forgot that THEY were the idiots, not the audience) as the Ask Jeeves guy leaves after being insulted (Competing with Family Guy for most random joke I see). After another court scene, we find out that FB took on new ideas, like playing games as we see Bart, Milhouse and the bullies playing online (Just so BORING). After we see Marge and Homer surfing the web on their smartphones while driving (See, it's witty satire, because nobody with a smartphone would keep their eyes on the road, RIGHT?! I wish for pain by way of distracted driving for these writers. Not death, but pain). And because Homer thinks he's being funny (He's not) he hits Moleman and causes a huge crash (Because Smartphones and Facebook always cause that... I'm just going to list off things that cause more deaths than smartphones: Drinking, eating while driving, putting on makeup while driving, fidgeting with the transmission...) 

Big deal, you should see what Twitter did to Los Angeles... Oh wait it was always like that

Anyways, chaos ensues and the city apparently burns because everyone is too distracted by Facebook (What kind of chicken shit is this? This isn't a parody or satire as Facebook is no more addictive than some other sites. Really this is more of a parody of a parody, you know how things gets exaggerated to the point of stupid but above all; THIS ISN'T FUNNY!) Back in court, BHL then asks Lisa why the city shouldn't force her to shut down the site... Wait a second the city is blaming Lisa for their stupidity? Okay forgive me for not watching The Social Network so I might be wrong, but I never got ANY indication from reviews of that movie, trailers or any news reports that Facebook was told to shut down due to accidents involving it. In short, the writers are hacks who know nothing about the internet and yet try to use the internet to appeal to people who could care less about them. Lisa then tries to defend herself by saying she had friends (The correct response would be; "It is not my fault these people enjoyed something I made. It is their responsibility to control themselves" oh wait, Lisa is written by a moron, my mistake) and in the end is ordered to shut down Facebook. Lisa goes into shutting it down as dramatic music plays while she's doing it (When you make a boring episode, you do not deserve dramatic music, now apologize). 

On that day, Little Lisa learned that twas not the virtual friends that was important
but the friends that you can mooch off of was

As she's shutting it down, people throw out their laptops and smartphones (Times I used my smartphone for Facebook: <10). Afterwards, Lisa is invited by Janey and friends to play as she agrees (Oh and Homer buts in because the scene had nothing to do with him, but the writers are desperate for "humor"). The episode ends with some text about Skinner and honey, a bad Twitter mention (Seriously, adding "Spring-" to a word does not constitute humor) and Kearney's avatar dying or something. Now there are two other things completely unrelated to this story to help make it to the 21:30 mark (Seeing as the main story only got up to the 18:30 mark) but I'm not going to go into detail as they are both pointless and worth mentioning.

Final Verdict: Dear God this one SUCKED. I would do the "Candidate for worst episode" thing again, but as long as this season continues, I can't do that. The writing was just awful, this in no way was funny, nor satirical of anything. The jokes were terrible outside maybe one, the pacing was awful with the plot not even starting until the 9:30 mark and the padding, oh dear God the padding. I could do an entire rant about how padded this episode was and in the end NOTHING HAPPENED. This isn't some "Oh but status quo was achieved", no nothing happened, the episode started with Lisa in court and ended with Lisa shutting down a site she somehow created and made popular.

Final Grade: 0.7/10 I never want to see this again, current frontrunner for "Worst of the season" But expect that to change soon

Mr. Plow

A name we should all be familiar with