Episode 12: Moe goes from Rags to Riches

A talking bar rag... Where can I go from there?! I mean, does that even SOUND like a good idea? When was the last time an animated piece of cloth able to be entertain- okay besides Towlie. I mean this sounds like a parody of a Simpsons episode *Cough* Simpsons Spin-off Showcase *Cough* and they took the idea seriously. If there's one thing I've repeated ad nauseum, it that these writers just don't get comedy. So, let's take a look at today's episode. Oh and by the way, from now on, I'll just mention the opening sequence time right before I start each review from now on.

Opening Sequence: 1:33

The episode begins with everyone at Moe's bar for the town meeting as Mayor Quimby explains that City Hall is being fumigated for bed bugs. This causes the seeds for a riot as Quimby suddenly causes the jukebox to play a dance song and everyone breaks out in dance... did I just hit the fast forward button? These types of scenes go at the end of episodes, not the beginning. Oh and Bart, Milhouse and Lisa are all at Moe's Tavern... logic? Yeah right, characters appear wherever they want to. I'm sorry but there isn't much to talk about here, Homer defies physics, a Mexican Duffman appears for no reason and it just has the feeling of a bad ending rather than the beginning of an episode. Anyways, this leads to Karl asking Moe who his best friend is and he cannot think of a legitimate answer (Homer, Lenny, Karl, Barney, the other bar flies...) and Lenny says that Moe's friend is his bar rag for how often he uses it (Oh and a small side note, Moe mentions he made a friend with a product on Facebook... I thought there was no Social networks in Springfield hence the need for Lisa to create Facebook and- OH GOD MY BRAIN HURTS FROM THE LOGIC ERROR) After everyone laughs at Moe (Who doesn't even care that he's being made fun of... this IS Moe Syzlak, right?) Bart insults Moe by saying that the rag is worse than Milhouse as a friend. Milhouse then decides that was the last straw and leaves... wait, what just happened? Did a plot just start? Did Milhouse just get replaced by an alien? Dear God now it feels rushed, it was ONE insult and then poof, Milhouse leaves and Bart feels abandoned.

Long lost brothers, perhaps?

Anyways, some more people approach Moe just to be a jackass towards his rag (Because it was so funny the first time...) I mean, seriously? Characters appearing JUST to be assholes? THAT'S TERRIBLE WRITING! After Moe throws his rag to the bar, it rises up slightly to reveal a face... is it just me or does this rag look like a grey version of the Sorting Hat? The rag reveals itself to be Jeremy Irons, er I mean part of a tapestry from 1000 years ago (Right... and my Blankie was part of the Shroud of Turin). We begin our tale in 11th Century France as we see a Medieval style Simpsons family as Homer is a knight, Marge is a weaver of some kind and the children are pointless. After Homer sets out for a duty in the Crusades, Pope Smithers and Duke Burns (He might be Pope or a Bishop, or even a Priest, but the episode doesn't elaborate). Oh and small note here; After Burns says "Enough!" we see him reach for his sword, pull it out about an inch, and then put it back in. Was there just a miscommunication between the animators and the writers? Because it really looks like that animation was meant for another scene because it just comes off as awkward in real time. Duke Burns then informs Marge to weave him a tapestry with certain images within 25 years for two coins (BORING! Get to the good stuff alre- correction, get to the ending already!)

Marge: What happened to you?
Homer: Tis but a scratch
Marge: A scratch? You lost your arm!
Homer: No I didn't

On his way out, Duke Burns decides to randomly kill some sheep blocking his path and apparently the sheep's wool is now cursed or something which causes Marge to work non-stop looming images in history instead of what Burns wanted (Oh and a small note, while Marge is weaving, we see Homer come back multiple times with grave injuries. I'm glad they didn't reference Monty Python and the Holy Grail here because I could see them butchering the comedy from the Black Knight). as a result, Jeremy Irons reveals himself to be said tapestry (Jeremy, you are perfectly capable of raising the quality of shit as demonstrated in Dungeons and Dragons WHY ARE YOU SO BORING HERE?!) Back to 11th Century France, we see that 25 years have passed but the kids have not grown up (They've aged but have not grown out... I guess that's the joke?) We then see Duke Burns and Smithers (Neither of which have aged... duh, continuity, what's that?!) arrive for the tapestry impressed by it, but they decide to burn down Marge's house because it wasn't what he asked for... But he said he'd pay her for it, wouldn't that mean that he'd take it and not pay for it? Dear God, the writers can't even remember what happened less than 3 minutes ago, abandon all hope right now. Anyways, while Burns rides off, his horse trips and he falls off a cliff only to be hung on a tree by the tapestry.

No, no, the death tree belongs in 300

Okay nothing more to add to this time period, now to move onto the next- oh fuck me they're still in this time period. Later we see random people come up to use Burns' corpse as a pinata as Ralph hits Clancy in the crotch, which causes him to draw what happened on a cave wall for "France's Funniest Cave Paintings"... *Glares* So we then cut to it inside a Cathedral (Seriously, why couldn't they have transitioned from "Death of Burns" to "Inside Cathedral" it would have made just as much sense and wouldn't have wasted our time, and I just realized why they didn't do it) where we see that it's being treated like a rockstar when women appear just to throw keys and steel panties... oh come on , I JUST used the "NOT FUNNY" bit, I can't keep using it. We then see the Cathedral get invaded by Vikings as they decide to use Viking Homer as a battering ram because physical abuse towards Homer is funny after the 4,783rd time, right? After a pointless bit from the monks, Viking Homer decides to take the tapestry for himself. He is shocked to see that the tapestry predicted all he would do and eats a bit of it (Ah yes, a fat joke again, because Homer has no character outside of pain and being fat).

Look Bart, I told you, I just can't stand reading the slash-fics between us anymore

Later, we see Bart approach Milhouse outside his room begging for Milhouse to come back tom him (But not in the right way, but rather the shitty sitcom way) and Milhouse says no. I have to ask, what's the point of this subplot? It serves no purpose, it's not funny and if the biography plot was the least bit engaging, I would say this subplot removes me from it every time it comes up. I just don't get it. We then cut back as Jeremy Irons gives us a recap (Again proving my point that the subplot would detach us from the main story if it were the least bit interesting) and we cut back to Persia as Monk Homer barters it for Gold and jewels and the Persians get angry at them. Homer reminds them twice that it was Christians that screwed them over...ugggggghhhhh, not funny. Oh and by the way, this is the last time the tapestry records history and that part of the history is completely dropped... why bother to bring it up in the first place if you weren't going to do anything with it? Anyways, we see Nelson as a Persian King (Sure why not?) as he apparently throws wives that are uninteresting into a pit. Lisa appears as his next wife and to save herself, she tells him the tale of Ali Baba and the 40 thieves. This causes Nelson to become interested in her stories and he listens to them for 1000 days (Sure, why not?). While he is asleep, Lisa goes to free the wives with a ladder. when she returns, he asks for another story but she refuses. He tries to get his guards to attack, but they're all dead and the wives proceed to kill Nelson during a full moon... Wait a second! It was morning when Lisa freed the wives, and then it was midnight when they killed him... continuity? Effort? Bueller?

Okay, it's morning here...

And now it's nighttime in the VERY NEXT SCENE!

The cloth (It is no longer a tapestry since they couldn't care about continuity) is then moved to Spain where it is used to help in executions... I'm sorry what was the point of that? Oh and a side note, the past 5 minutes have been more bloody than their previous Treehouse of Horror. Isn't THAT where the violence is supposed to go? We then see that the rag was used by Michelangelo for the Sistine Chapel and then discarded after it was done, is anyone else bored as all hell at this point? I'm sorry, I just cannot make this interesting. Afterwards, we cut back to present day as people are just walking on the rag and Moe contemplates getting a new rag... for all of 3 seconds before treating it like Linus' security blanket... THESE JOKES ARE TERRIBLE! We then see Bart approach Milhouse again with a speech to try to win him back, but when Milhouse sees through the empty speech, he tells Bart to leave and he goes (How essential, I would have lost sleep if I didn't know that Bart went back to beg for their friendship back). The rag continues his backstory as we find out it was part of a Confederation flag, then part of a rag soup during the depression, then it was part of a flag for a Mount Everest climb.

Thank God nobody on DeviantArt cares about this show anymore

If it seems like I'm speeding through this, don't worry, the episode speeds through this, you're not missing anything. Also a side note, Comic Book Guy randomly appears in a blimp on the Mount Everest expedition to say "Worst climbing everest"... Ugggggggggghhhhhhhh MAKE IT STOP! Please make it stop. We then find out that a Yeti picked up the rag and gave it to his son Moe... WHU!? Random does not equal funny, dear God why won't this end already? This causes us to cut to present day as the rag gets taken by someone. The next morning we see that Bart camped out in Milhouse's front yard bush as he begs for forgiveness and he'll allow him to do anything. Milhouse has Drederick Tatum punch him in the arm (Because he know him somehow... wait what?) and they are friends again. Wow, 4 scenes, about 3 minutes total, I'm so glad this was put in... I am so bored right now. We then see Moe look for his rag as he asks Wiggum but Wiggum doesn't know and he gets into "Wacky hijinks" with his stolen police cruiser... it's almost over just 3 more minutes.

And happy endings are had by all... well except the audience

We then see that the rag was washed by Marge as Moe bursts in and thanks Marge for cleaning it, but then asks why. Marge explains that she saw he cared so much about that rag that she decided to clean  it when she returned to the bar for her purse. So if that timeline is correct, that would imply that the subplot occurred within a 12 hour timeframe? Bart is not that needy you brainless twats! Hell, he actually lasted longer without his soul, ugh whatever the episode's almost over. Moe finds out that everyone in the family (Including Milhouse, who is there for some reason) are his friends and he decides to throw out the bag rag as a result... do the writers really think Moe is that lonely that he only held onto that rag as a friend?  Screw it, just one more scene. The episode ends with Santa's Little Helper picking up the bar rag as Jeremy Irons expresses how loved he feels.

Final Verdict: This episode was beyond boring I mean did anyone CARE about Moe's bar rag? I know I didn't, the pacing ranged from sped up at places to just bogging down with no real flow, the jokes were just terrible and nothing stood out, the writing was awful between bad characterization and dropped ideas, in all, this was a terrible episode that nobody will remember 5 years from now.

Final Grade: 1.0/10 Just wretched, poor Jeremy Irons, having to reduce himself to this