Friday, September 16, 2011

Worst of the worst: Lisa the Drama Queen-Part 2

Well, it's been a week since my sanity snapped. I've begun pulling what hair I have left in clumps, and all knives, medication, and blunt instruments were removed from the premises. Also, the asylum has told me that one more freakout like last week and I'll be getting a lobotomy, so this will be a much calmer review. Fortunately, I've been able to recover and I feel brand new, so let's finish this abomination and put this chapter of my reviewing days to rest.

So where were we? Oh right, Lisa had lost her own marbles and went into a hallucination with Juliet. *Sigh* Now, I said last time I'd get back to why I hate Juliet. This episode was improperly named; it's JULIET who's a drama queen, not Lisa. She flips out over not being able to play her own music and later ends up freaking out whenever Lisa hesitates about joining her in her delusions. Everything MUST be about what she wants, and, for this, she ends up derailing Lisa's character without adequate reason. Why is she so unbalanced? Because the Juliet of Heavenly Creatures was! The difference is, the reason for the mental imbalance is elaborated upon in Heavenly Creatures; in The Simpsons, it's because Juliet's just a brat. Ugh... Anyhow, Lisa and Juliet are both in "Equalia" (Dear Lord, just castrate me while you're at it) where they see a bunch of mythical creatures and, wait a minute... that fountain, it looks familiar. Oh right, because there's no such thing as originality here, it's the exact same fountain from the movie.
Welcome girls. Lisa, you're free to roam around. Juliet, you're scheduled for execution soon
Sorry about that, moving on. So Lisa and Juliet (dressed up like princesses) find a twonicorn, and after feeding it a sugar cube, it barfs a rainbow (You know, I'm over halfway there and yet I cannot live on a prayer for quality for this episode). The... queen? (I don't know she just shows up and says a few words, she could be the jester for all I know) welcomes Lisa and Juliet to Equalia (Okay, I need a new name for this place. Bollville, perhaps?) where she decides to start a royal dance for them by playing the "Royal Mypod". ...I really have to wonder if this episode was made for the sole purpose of desensitizing the audience to the point that every episode afterwards would look like Last Exit to Springfield in comparison.
*BARF* I'm sorry, but pretentious shit makes me throw up
As Lisa and Juliet slow-dance with each other (No lesbian undertones whatsoever) Bollville begins to transition back to the real world as it's shown that Lisa and Juliet were dancing to the sprinklers going off (I have no words for this, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the idea that someone thought that an episode based on Heavenly Creatures was a good idea). The next day we see Lisa and Juliet writing more of their story about Bollvillle (with paper crowns and scarves draped around their torsos. Brian Kelley's really trying to drive this in until we accept it isn't he?). When Marge tries to play along, Lisa essentially tells her to fuck off (Despite them writing in the kitchen instead of her room... okay, how many warnings to stop watching this have we been given? *34* I thought as much). Later, Marge and Homer are called to Skinner's office where he tells them that Lisa's grades have been dropping ever since she's been hanging out with Juliet. However, because there couldn't possibly be any good jokes to be told with that premise, Homer ignores everything Skinner says and acts like a complete ass-clown (which causes Skinner to facepalm. Isn't it nice when the writers acknowledge how bad Homer's gotten and yet don't bother to make him more human?). Back home, Marge tells Lisa that she can no longer see Juliet. This causes Lisa to get upset, saying this:
(There are no words I know of to describe my hatred for this episode). After Marge shrugs that off, Lisa tries to escape by climbing down the tree, only to fall into a laundry basket being held by Marge (I guess cloning is far more advanced than we ever thought). The next day, Lisa leaves school only to bump into Juliet, who is throwing stuff at Lisa from a tree... Oh wait, it gets better. Juliet tells Lisa that she's running away (...Why?) and she's taking Lisa with her. Lisa is hesitant initially, but Juliet convinces her that she needs to come because Bollville needs her... I just want that to sink in for a moment. Juliet was waiting in a tree for Lisa to get out to tell her that they're both going to run away from home because they need to write a fantasy novel, a novel that Juliet believes is real. Oh, but wait, I haven't even told you about the icing on this cake, Juliet tells Lisa that she needs her too, as Juliet grabs Lisa's hands...*Goes to corner in fetal position* This is all just fictional, this is all just fictional, this is all-
Brian Kelley, don't encourage the slashfic.
Anyways, Lisa agrees and they walk off while holding hands (You hear that snap? That was the sound of my sanity leaving me, I'm so screwed now). As Lisa and Juliet bike their way to their new location, the scenery around them turns into Bollville complete with the annoying music (At this point I'm just waiting for the ending where Lisa and Juliet brutally murder Marge with a rock and run back home screaming with blood on their hands). Lisa and Juliet arrive at "Clam-Elot" (Ugh) where Juliet tells Lisa to just use her imagination and it'll become Bollvile. *Checks time remaining* 6 MINUTES?! Oh I do hate myself at this point. Oh, and we see Lenny and Carl pass by the condemned "Clam-Elot"... why? Just, why? We cut back home where Marge and Homer talk about how Lisa should be at the Model UN (Gee I wonder if this will lead to anything? I mean it's oh so natural in the way it's casually discussed here). Just then, Marge gets a call from Martin that Lisa never showed up (In the most forced, unfunny way possible, I'm sorry is this a comedy show or brainwashing material?). Marge expresses her concern about how she was too intrusive in Lisa's friendship with Juliet by driving around looking for her... Oh wait nevermind she SAYS all that in some more awkward dialogue (I would pull up the "Show don't tell" card here, but that would require me to care at this point)
Why did I let my daughter hang out with a schizophrenic? Why did I let my daughter hang-
After Homer feels the need for his style of 'comedy' (And it looks like the closing credits will be the best part of this episode), we cut to Lisa and Juliet in "Clam-Elot" as it's very dark and damp, but Juliet doesn't seem to mind much (Seeing as she's about one break-up away from becoming Mother Shabubu, I completely understand). We then see a scene of the family pulling up to the parking lot (They're at the wrong place) and Lisa and Juliet hear a car outside the restaurant (Look there's still 5 minutes left, they aren't there). Through the windows we see silhouettes of what appear to be Marge, Homer and Bart (Forget it, not going to work on me) however, we cut back to the family and here's a shocker; THEY ARRIVED AT THE WRONG PLACE! (Wow, that totally came out of left field, and here I thought that the last 5 minutes would be about Lisa having to deal with her friendship with a borderline psychopath). Back at the restaurant, it turns out to be Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney as they find Lisa and Juliet and decide to tie them up and lock them away in cages (... No comment, Rule 34 has been run into the ground WAY too much here) Oh and by the way, they aren't tied up when they're in the cages... consistency, who needs that?
Ummm... Uhhh.... Insert your own bondage joke here
Kearney is left to guard Lisa and Juliet. Lisa tells Juliet about her being afraid and Juliet comforts her by telling her to imagine Bollvile. However, at this point Lisa decides that enough is enough and tells Juliet that Bollville is not real. Juliet counters by saying it's better than where they are and she offers her hand to Lisa, which Lisa grabs (Minor note, the cages have a convenient hole just bigger than their arms. Now here's a fun game to play at home: re-read both of these parts, take a shot for every time I describe the Lisa-Juliet relationship as gay) After some ramblings between Lisa and Juliet (That's the best way to describe this, I swear) Kearney gets intrigued and Lisa and Juliet decide to use Kearney's uncharacteristic curiosity against him, getting him to free them both (It's almost done, it's almost done). We then see Kearney listening to Lisa read her story with a lot of interest (Well, there's a sucker born every second, I mean there are people who LIKE this episode).
Lisa: "Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, Someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something"
Jimbo and Dolph come back as they're shocked to see Lisa and Juliet are free. After some pretentious dialogue from Juliet (Ten bucks says that when this show is finally done, she will end up as the least popular supporting character) Jimbo decides to burn her book in front of her (Jimbo is my favorite character in this episode, not only does he hate Juliet, but he wants to see her suffer). However, Kearney starts to hallucinate this all as Bollville (Oh for fucks sakes, Who left the LSD out?) and decides he needs to save the oh-so-important tales of Bollville (Hey if Twilight can get published, I guess anything can). In Kearney's hallucination, he's beating them up, but in reality, he's getting his ass handed to him (I think there's a very important lesson to be taken away from all this, if we use our imagination hard enough, this episode can seem only mediocre. Let me try... DAMMIT!). Lisa and Juliet escape (but we don't see them take the book, odd) and Lisa decides that she needs to stop escaping to a fantasy land and live in reality (Is this supposed to be some sort of half-assed message? If so, I have a simple response: FUCK! YOU! WRITERS!!!). Juliet mocks Lisa for daring to want to live a normal life in the real world (2 more minutes, just 2 more minutes). Juliet then leaves Lisa as Lisa decides to call her cuckoo (This is beyond the pot calling the kettle black).
Good-night sweet bitch; and flights of demons sing thee to thy rest
We cut to two months later as it turns out that Lisa sent her novel to a publication and it got rejected (Naw, really? And here I thought we had the greatest story of modern times on our hands). After Bart insults Lisa and Marge tries to comfort her, the episode ends with Homer deciding that we need one more hallucination as he just imagines his family as random objects (...I've got nothing, I'm just waiting for the credits). Okay here we go, the best part of the episode; the credits, let's see them. The episode truly ends with Bart introducing Fallout Boy over the end credits as they do a shitty remix of the ending credits theme... And the circle is truly complete, not only did this episode fail on every category possible, but they managed to fuck up the credit sequence. Congrats staff, you managed to suck in EVERY category. YOU FAIL!

Final Verdict: This abomination to man was fucking AWFUL. The bottom of the barrel, the episode that is the measuring stick to every shitty episode out there. Not only did the writing suck, the jokes suck and everything else suck, but there was absolutely no entertainment value at all. This was a fucking nightmare and a true pain to sit through. I know I use hate quite a bit (Even dedicated a theme month to it) but I can calmly say that I reserve the deepest feelings of true hate towards this. I will leave with just one thought: FUCK! THIS! EPISODE!!!

Final Grade: 0.0/10 If I was allowed to go negative, I would, but going negative feels cartoony and I want to be serious about this.


  1. I wish they'd just try to remember that Lisa has an IQ higher than their own. And I feel bad because from the information from the "New" season she's going to hold that idiot ball some more.

  2. Oh and on an unrelated note I took the time to actually watch The Ned-liest Catch on Hulu. It was probably the best episode I've seen in a while but that last bit KILLED the entire episode.

  3. Yeah it's rather sad that they forget at times that she's smart (Whenever they aren't having her act as an arrogant bitch who thinks shes above others because of her intelligence).

    The Ned-Liest Catch for me was a pleasant surprise, partially because I had no expectations going in (I don't like to brand episodes before they come out, but I was ready to declare it "Worst episode since LTDQ" when I heard the premise) and I came out thinking it was rather average (Better than horrible). The ending was horrible though, not only did they play the poll serious (Check out the ending for Who Shot Mr. Burns to see it done right) but it was just a jarring WTF moment as any atmosphere that may have been created was just taken out instantly.