Episode 1: The Falcon and the D'ohman

Hi everyone, I had a great Summer, how was yours? But now that all comes to an end with this, what can I say about this? There are just so many things wrong with this episode and so few things right. Let's start off with the wrong

1. Wrapping up a gimmick promotion that NOBODY cared about
2. The writer's not even the same guy who wrote Ned-Liest Catch, if the staff doesn't care, why should we?
3. 23 years?! For fuck sakes man, anyone who actually cares about this no longer watches, why doesn't Al Jean just flat out announce already that he hates this show so we can move on?

okay, okay, let's begin this episode.

The episode begins with Comic Book Guy at his desk telling America that the result of "Nedna" (Seriously? These guys actually thought that name was clever? They can burn in hell for all I care) will be announced in this episode and we should keep a lookout for it (In other words, just wait for the writers to have a scene short of Ned shouting "THE RESULT OF THE POLL WAS...." thrown at our faces like we have the brain capacity of a toaster). So after that half-assed introduction (The writers did not take note of how the end of The Ned-liest Catch was awful) Comic Book Guy leads us into the introduction which turns out to be a parody of a Police song (Edit: It was "Walking on the Moon") Oh and yes I noticed the SNPP joke, I would give a point for a shoutout, but it wasn't funny nor subtle, it would have worked much better as a freeze-frame or far background joke. After some more singing (And apparently Barney works at the plant... Why? You might be asking, because the writers are inept and could care less if their scenes make sense or have purpose) Homer punches in but decides he needs to help pad the running time a bit (And the writers aren't taking their time to piss me off this year, they're getting straight to the shit).

Look my name is Jack Bau- er I mean... screw it, just call me Jack

Homer then meets up with the security guard who turns out to be a different guy, Homer tries to befriend him (With some bad, unfunny dialogue) as he tells Wayne to fistbump him and he refuses and Homer decides to use the "As God as my witness" quote to say he will get Wayne to fistbump him (Hmm... my foreshadowing sense is tingling). We cut to Master Chef as apparently Marge won (I don't know how the show works, I've never seen it) and Tom Colicchio turns into a kitchen... *Checks room for drugs* Nope, it's not me, it's the episode. After that, Marge returns to reality where she gives Bart and Lisa the snacks she was making in her daydream. So I know what you might be thinking. Did that scene have ANY purpose? Nope, not one bit, you could have cut this scene and not changed a single line of dialogue or change any scene afterwards. Why did they even bother with this? The scene wasn't even funny, so you can't even justify it with "But it had a great joke". They put that ONE scene in the promotion like it actually meant something, but in reality it was just another "We can get any guest star we want, so suck it fans!" the shear laziness and lack of caring is mind-boggling, the writers just seem to find new ways to suck with each episode. After Bart and Lisa get pissed at Marge for being creative with her snacks (Anyone else feel like that's odd for Lisa in particular?)

This will look great for the promotion, now how many lines do I get again?

Homer comes in to tell Marge that someone at work doesn't like him... hang on a second, this is Homer's Enemy! Quick! Hide all Season 8 DVDs now, don't allow them to butcher that episode. Later, we see Homer driving home from work as he sees Wayne walking on the sidewalk and Wayne refuses to get into the car until the writer's laziness gets to him and he gets in. After a bit of unfunny banter in the car (~padding, padding, padding~) we go inside Moe's Bar as Homer continues to try my patience by being as annoying as possible (The purpose of this show is to make me laugh, right?) After Wayne goes to the bathroom, Snake just comes in via motorcycle and robs the barflies (You know, initially there was no real problem I could spot, however, Lenny appears to be missing while Snake is robbing them. I call that lazy directing). Moe however, decides to get his shotgun (While basically announcing that's what he's doing) and Snake is able to steal it from him (By the way, Lenny's back now). Wayne comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to kick Snake's ass (Interluded with horrible joke after horrible joke, ugh, let's move on). After Wayne finishes beating up Snake, Moe tells everyone to collect the jar eggs and Wayne notices that Snake is back up and he proceeds to throw the egg down his throat (Snake? Snake?! SNAKE!!!!)

Stay back! I'm a professional actor

At home, we see Wayne eating dinner with the Simpsons as a way of thanking him for saving Homer. Bart asks Wayne where he learned how to fight like that and Wayne explains that he had special training, as demonstrated in a long-as-all-hell-why-won't-you-fucking-end-you-long-ass-padded-out dream sequence (Seriously, it lasts for 50 seconds when it should have ended after 10 or 15 seconds). Wayne then wakes up and says he has to go, but not before Homer decides to bear hug him like the polar bear did in the dream sequence (Do the writers actually understand comedy, or do they just throw a bunch of shit against the wall and pray for some of it to stick?) After Wayne leaves (Using the impossible doorway, it might just be me, but the animation was crap there) Flanders drops by to tell Homer about "The big change in my life" as it turns out to be the fact that he now drinks orange juice with pulp (Okay a few things here, 1) That's a terrible joke 2) Why would Homer care? I'm surprised he didn't close the blinds as soon as he saw Ned).

Look Ned, nobody cared about your stupid relationship, now go away

The next day at work, Wayne shows up and is greeted by the media and interviewed for being a hero in last night's bar robbery (Oh and by the looks of it, it's being done live, with Homer and his family at home watching it, keep that in mind). Channel 6 decides to show the audience a dramatization of the events and... HOLY CRAP THAT'S BAD! I don't even know if the choppy 3-D animation is supposed to make fun of Taiwanese animation or not, but it just looks hideous, when 3-D animation from the early 90's looks better, you might want to quit. Anyways, as you might have expected, the scene goes on for far longer than it needs to be (Including a shoehorned GTA joke, I don't get why) and we cut back to Mr. Burns giving Wayne the "Silver Safety Hat" (Presented from the Ark of the Covenant, I don't know which would melt a person's head faster, opening the Ark, or watching this show some more). But apparently (Through flashback) the CIA tried to wipe Wayne's memory with a helmet and it failed, but because of his PSTD (I can only assume, his character is nonexistent at this point. Just throw any spy cliche and it'd be about as effective) he starts beating up Mr. Burns and other until Homer stops him (So Homer teleports now? I guess being an instant expert at everything allows for explosive teleportation as well). Wayne is fired and Homer offers him a place to live.

You want to be a king?! Here's your crown!!

Wayne is hesitant because of his PTSD (Again, we JUST learned about this, I wouldn't be surprised if he was just some homeless guy pretending to live the life of another guy) and Homer reassures Wayne through an unfunny Terminator dream (CONTEXT! Your jokes need context, you can't just throw a joke and say "Eh it's funny, good enough") So that night, we see Wayne in the treehouse as he's having nightmares and is keeping everyone up with his ramblings. Okay remember at the beginning Comic Book Guy said:

" The answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, 

like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crease"

Maybe this is too subtle

Much better

So let's see this "Carefully hidden" answer. We cut to Edna and Ned awake in bed together as Edna winks to the audience... FFFFFFUUUUUUUU- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! YOU FUCKING HACKS! Not only did they go with the less popular result (Honestly, like I said, I didn't care) but they treated their audience as if they have the brain capacity of a toaster. I've said it before, I'll say it in the future and I'll say it now, the staff has no clue what the terms "subtle" "satire" or "humor" actually mean. The fact that they thought that this could fly is bullshit and the idea that they think that they're adding clever funny stories to this show is just unspeakable. Ugh... let's move on. The next morning, Wayne apologizes for his ramblings and he reveals that he came to Springfield because it doesn't appear on any maps or charts (You know, the whole "Where is Springfield located?" isn't funny anymore, especially the way they do it). After a brief scene of Wayne teaching the kids some stuff he knows, Marge tells Wayne that she's not comfortable with the idea of him spreading his knowledge to her family, except when it comes to getting a better parking spot at the mall (Eh it's not nearly as bad as I made it out to be, to be honest).

Our hero; a psychotic nutjob who points guns at musicians

After a pointless scene where Bart fights the bullies, Wayne walks into Lisa playing a song as he has a flashback of a gunfight in a high class party (Again, he's not developed enough for us to care, I don't know why he became a spy, why he needed to run away, what that party had to do with anything. The writers are just throwing together spy cliches and hoping we care, and I don't) By the way, why is Grampa there? Oh right because his jokes weren't funny, my mistake. In Kiev, some important looking guy (um... name?) is looking through his e-mail (Which consists of a bunch of terrible internet jokes which aren't even funny now). He then finds a video of Wayne assaulting Mr. Burns (Which results in the line "Do you want to give it 0 stars?" okay, two reasons that joke fails. 1) The star rating has been defunct on Youtube for nearly a year 2) You couldn't give 0 star ratings. I know that's nitpicking, but if you're going to have a topical joke, make sure it at least WORKS) Back home, Homer's washing out the lawn (Don't ask) and he's approached by the man in a van. The man asks if Wayne has any friends and Homer says no causing them to drive away. However, he says he's a friend of Wayne and after a brief conversation (With unfunny dialogue of course) Homer's kidnapped (And his first concern is getting the middle seat... *Angry stare*).

Would you like to come into my van? I have candy

Later, Kent Brockman breaks the news of Homer being kidnapped as Channel 6 shows the hostage video of Homer, which is just a bunch of unfunny slapstick mixed with "Homer's an idiot", pretty much what you'd expect from 'Modern Homer'. This results in the Ukrainian gangsters beating the crap out of him (Thank you). Wayne sees the video and has a flashback to the party... oh God the flashbacks are starting to flashback in the episode itself, the episode's going to restart! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! In the same flashback, we get to see that Victor's wife comes into the ballroom because the room she was staying in was too dirty (Ahahaha, those women and their cleanliness, fuck off). Because she arrives, she is shot by a stray bullet and presumably dies. Wayne informs Marge that he's going to find Homer and he heads off to "Little Ukraine" (What was Sprooklyn just too populated to have a Ukrainian district?) After some unfunny store signs in the background (Which Wayne tries to hint at are funny, no Wayne, they aren't) he goes to an ice rink which has two guys with guns outside (Why bother being inconspicuous? Why not just have a neon sign while you're at it?) Inside, we see Homer frozen under the ice with a straw in his mouth to breath (I'm pretty sure he'd be dead from hypothermia alone, but hey what do I know?) After some gangsters do some ice skating tricks (Because that's what I think of when I think of Ukrainian gangsters, is it sad that I'm reminded of Mr. Freeze a bit from Batman and Robin?) Wayne arms himself with a shirt launcher, some shirts and lights them on fire.

Hmm... Mr. Freeze was a more threatening villain, this shouldn't be a problem

After he successfully takes down everyone but Victor (He must be saved for Homer to defeat) Victor points a gun at Homer (Now out of the ice) and Wayne and Homer decides he needs to warm himself up by hugging Victor, allowing Wayne to shoot him (Eh close enough). After that anti-climatic finish (And Homer jumping back into the ice water, stop reminding me of past shitty episodes, you're no helping your cause) Wayne decides he needs to leave. He says his farewells and even fistbumps Homer (Oh my God he actually did it! Wait, am I supposed to care? Sorry about that) but Marge decides that there's a place where "A sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home" (The circus?) No of course it's the DMV, who didn't see that a mile away? After a scene of him mouthing off Sideshow Mel, we get a scene of a play written by him honoring Kim Jong-Il (Why? I keep finding myself asking that same question). And so the episode truly ends with Edna and Ned thanking America for choosing "Pro-Nedna" (I've got 100 bucks saying the writers didn't actually tally up the votes and had this in mind the entire time) and Seymour comes in jealous that he wasn't an option.

Final Verdict: This was horrible, the jokes were non-existent, the plot was moronic and very rushed, the characters were not interesting nor funny, the Master Chef bit was utterly pointless and another middle finger to the audience, and the resolution of "Nedna" (Again I don't care about) was insulting to the audience. Maybe if this show was aimed for entertaining rocks, that would have flied, but not adults.

Final Grade: 1.5/10 Just horrible and painful to watch