Episode 21: 500 Keys

Why does John Frink continue to get work on this show? Almost every episode he's ever written has sucked and this week's is no exception. I fully expected this episode to be a 4-segment episode where each family member goes on their own little storyline. After watching this though I yearned for it to be a four segment episode instead, it probably would have been much better that way. Instead we get a supposed "A-Plot" with three subplots that are all forced to tie in at different points. The result; a terrible, confusing episode with no comedy and viewers getting dumber just watching it. With that out of the way, let's take a look at today's abomination.

The opening (I don't normally talk about this, but I feel the need to address this) begins with Hank Scorpio flying a fighter jet (Nothing but fanservice, now the fans will be gushing over a meaningless 5 second cameo) followed by a chalkboard gag of "It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall" (I guess the backlash of their stupidity caused them to try to apologize for their mistake. Also Lisa's playing a violin, just thought I'd mention that as well since I mentioned the other two). Our episode then begins with the family (Sans Marge) shopping for a wedding cake because... because... because the writers are out of ideas, that's why. While trying to get the cake home, they run into a traffic jam as Homer decides to take a shortcut that's conveniently pointed out to us as "Suicidal Moron Pass" (What did I say about explaining your jokes?) After some more physics defying driving by Homer (With suspenseful music to boot, but honestly the soundtrack should go more like this) Homer is able to get home with the cake intact (Phew, for a moment I thought all that fake tension might possibly be real tension). However, Maggie is left in the car as she locks the doors (With the keys inside) and Marge finds out that she's locked in, causing her to panic to find the spare key.

THE DEATH OF MAGGIE (To be continued in the next episode)

However, in the next scene we see that Maggie let herself out of the car, thus resolving that conflict (Oh Mr. Frink, is there any story you can write where the resolution isn't a disappointment?) So we're 3 minutes in, and all we know is that the family bought a cake for no reason, the family seems to have a million keys and Maggie got locked in the car, only to free herself 30 seconds later. I've seen more interesting storylines from grass growing during a drought. After Homer eats the frosting off Maggie's head (Don't ask, it's better that we not question the genius mind of John Frink) Lisa questions all the keys as Homer decides to take a moment to give some dull backstory for a few (It seems like it's a 3 way race to see which is more boring; Paint drying, grass growing, or this episode. You be the judge). After Homer holds up some keys from much better episodes (Thanks for acknowledging that this show used to be good, now do us a favor and QUIT!) Bart and Homer decide to take some of the keys and find out their uses (I sense zany antics afoot. No wait, I meant "Painfully predictable stupidity") Bart decides to first open up a mailbox to cause mischief as people start to convene on the mailbox to remove mail they had second thoughts on. Bart's upset that his first act with a key caused people to be happy as Reverend Lovejoy walks by to say "Ha-Ha" (Why not use Nelson for that? I mean he is in this episode, oh right I need to stop questioning the writing)

Hey there, blimpy boy, flying through the sky so fancy free

We then cut to Homer as he's walking with Barney and it's revealed that Homer has keys to the Duff Brewery (NO! The only time those two should ever go there is Duffless, I award you NO points for this substory, and may God have mercy on your soul). After a padded out flashback about how Homer got the keys, they get in and look around at the various parts of the brewery (Sorry, but the inspection line with Hitler's head in the jar cannot be topped, just quit now). Homer then finds the Duff Blimp and reads the text on it (That Barney typed into the computer) and decides to fly off with the blimp (And so unfunny subplot #2 begins, let's just set up a small storyboard to the left to see how badly they screw up trying to link these together). We then cut back home as Lisa finds a key that belongs to the school and decides to return it (And so our supposed "Main plot" begins). Marge finds another stray key as Maggie conveniently appears with they toy the key belongs to (I guess she has that "Plot-convenient teleportation" I've heard so much about). It turns out they wind-up key is used to start up a "Toot-train" which each person farts when they push down on their side of the handcar (Hey Family Guy called, they want their terrible joke back). After Marge gets a call from Homer (And read the script as she apparently knows what blimp engines sound like from the inside of a blimp) Maggie turns the toy back on and thus begins Marge and Maggie's journey to get the never-ending toy (Oh goodie, this bad joke is a subplot. I can just guess all the "hilarious" antics that will ensue).

How unfunny and crude, let's make this into a subplot

After a pointless bit with the Flanders involving the toy (My mind is melting with each passing second) we cut to Lisa as Nelson decides to play devil's advocate and suggests to Lisa that she figure out what the key opens (Honestly it starts off as a decent scene, but is then ruined by Nelson repeating the same line about 10 times). Lisa decides to go to the basement and finds out it opens a door labeled "Banned Band Books" (It's the bad punchline from the previous two doors). After some "spooky" cliches, Lisa stumbles upon a secret room (And decides to explain what exactly it is in the bigger picture, look just because you've dumbed down the majority of your audience doesn't mean I can't figure it out myself). After Lisa gushes over the different settings, she finds out that nothing in the room is real study material (Don't get too invested in how this all pays out, you should know by now that the writers don't understand the concept of "Satisfying ending"). Lisa then confronts Skinner about the room as he at first dismisses her but then decides to look at it anyways (Okay there was some humor in that scene I'll admit, but really it's not worth watching this). We then cut to Homer (~Padding, padding, padding~) as Homer thinks about having a Duff while piloting the blimp. He wonders if it counts as drinking and driving as he decides to text Lenny all while "Comedically" avoiding obstacles (Oh writers, your forced "Homer's irresponsibility" followed by the overwhelmingly predictable antics always manage to find new ways to piss me off).

Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave

We then cut back to Marge as the toy happens to head into the Community Center as the sign indicates there's a meeting of irritable bowel syndrome support group going on inside (Classy, writers, this is truly comedy that this show is best known for). After a predictable unfunny bit (Quick question, how does the handcar continue to run and change directions like it has? Oh right, if it couldn't how would we have had that "hilarious" scene of it passing through an IBS support group. My bad) we cut to Lisa in the basement as she decides to reveal to Skinner (And various students as well... um why? Oh right, so that they can set up a plot point later on). Lisa then opens the door and it turns out a bookshelf of books is now behind the door (Ten bucks says anyone with half a brain knows this cliche) After Skinner patronizes Lisa (And Lisa just stands there saddened, come on Lisa, you should know how this works) we then see Bart (Oh right he has a subplot going on as well, almost forgot) as he decides to turn on a window washing lift so he can moon random people as he goes up (Okay, credit where it's due, that is pretty funny and in-character for him). However, Ol' Gil tries jumping off the exact building and lands on the lift as he thanks Bart and it causes Bart to get a Key to the City (Why are the writers ruining the only storyline that has potential for humor? Why not show Bart SUCCEEDING in his pranks. I know I said last week success is boring, but not in this case, in this case it would be funny).

We're totally not engaged! We're not! *Whispers* Don't tell Mother that we are

We then cut to school as Skinner tells Chalmers that she might be onto something (To which Chalmer replies "I oversee 14 schools Seymour, and for some reason I always find myself talking to you about one of the Simpsons kids". Wow, I guess the writers finally acknowledge just how lazy they are for inserting him in just for the sake of it. Now will they do anything with that? Probably not, so just file this under "We know what we're doing, we just don't care"). Skinner notices Lisa and decides to take the key away from her. As Lisa walks home (With a shoehorned reference to Homer's subplot. Frink, just stick to failing at one plot, okay?) she notices Ralph selling school newspapers and decides that she can use the photo of the key to make a duplicate to get back in the room (Okay a few things, one; why is Ralph selling papers? Oh right, the fans love him and the writers need to put him in any scene regardless of if it makes sense or not. Second; I'm pretty sure that's not how key duplication works. It might work, but I really doubt it, partly seeing as the locksmith doesn't have a scale and keys are not perfectly symmetric, just saying). After an unfunny chase between Homer and the police via blimp (I don't even... *Facepalm*) Lisa decides to get the duplicate and goes back to school where she finds the bookcase yet again. After Lisa breaks the bookshelf (And has an unfunny bit with tombstones of kid detectives, I'll admit the first time got a chuckle, the second time wore out its welcome though) Lisa goes in and finds the message "The children are on bus 23" (Great, now they're trying to add a mystery within the mystery which will not pay off in the end).

Now to prove women are just as good at exploring as men- Eek! A spider! *Runs away*

After a pointless cut to Bart (As we get one of the worst jokes in the history of the show. I hate you writers, I truly do) we cut to Marge as she's still looking for the toy (STORYBOARDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS! It helps make the episode flow naturally and not seem like this jumbled mess) She spots it as it passes by Wiggum (Who apparently is now okay from the exploding blimp. Continuity, what's that?!) as he can't pick it up because the writers feel the need to repeat the joke of "Wiggum can't grab anything off the ground" 6 times (Because sodomizing the "Rule of Three" isn't enough for these writers). We then cut back to school as Lisa tells Bart about what she knows and Bart decides that they need to talk to "Someone's whose been here a long, long time" (Willie?) Cut to Nelson in the woodshop as he is reluctant at first to tell them about bus 23, but after some bad jokes between Lisa and Nelson (And now gum stuck to my chair seems funny in comparison) Nelson decides to tell them (Along with an ominous music cue. Don't try to pretend that this has tension, broken string has more tension than this story). Apparently, Skinner and Chalmers sent the bus over an ice bridge that Skinner objected to at first, but sent off anyways and it never came back (Wow, I'm about as interested in this as I am with the ingredients of bread). Bart and Lisa decide they need to find the ice bridge, cue Homer right next to the school (See how all these broken pieces are fitting so nicely together? You can't? Neither can anyone with a functioning brain).

Down there! Our angry fans. Drop the bombs.

Homer then takes them to where the ice bridge was (Which is no longer there, is that supposed to be a joke or something? Bart implied he thought it was literally made of ice, is this the payoff?) and Lisa falls out of the blimp at a high altitude and notices the bus as she falls towards the river (I'm pretty sure a fall from that distance in a river that shallow would probably kill her, but hey that's what the laws of physics say, what do the laws of lazy writing say?) After she falls into the river (Not a bit of pain at all, oh come on she bellyflopped in, that hurts) she looks inside the bus and sees a bunch of kids. After a drawn-out scene of Homer going to save Lisa (Just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes) Homer's weight causes the bus to tip over and all the kids float to the surface. On the surface it's revealed all the kids are mannequins (...Wait what?). Somehow Lisa and Homer sink beneath them and then the surface is covered with mannequins, preventing them from getting to the surface (Are they dense or just plain retarded? THEY'RE PLASTIC! Just move them a little to the left and you can get up. I especially love how this scene is played for more drama, I wonder just how quickly the false tension will end). After Bart laments he can't help, cue the stupid toy (With triumphant music, WEAK!) as it bumps into a tree SOMEHOW causing it to fall over and allow Homer and Lisa to get to the surface (LAZIEST! RESOLUTION! EVER! Oh but it's alright, now all the shitty subplots have converged and we can end the "Main plot") After Lisa questions why the bus was loaded with fake kids, Otto appears to explain that he accidentally ran the bus off the bridge (Now we get to have further exposition from Skinner and Chalmers. Why do I get the feeling it'll end with the line "And I would have gotten away with it if it we're for you meddling kids!"?)

3 facepalms in three weeks? Thank you for all this material, I truly appreciate it

We cut back to school as Bart shows Skinner and Chalmers he has Skinner's keys (Yes! We get it! The main theme of this episode was keys! Although I appreciate the facepalm from Chalmers). Skinner then decides to exposite to everyone the reason for the room and mannequins (Where's Santa's Little Helper? We need him to make this scene more appropriate) Skinner cashed a grant for the school that got ruined in the wash. To try to protect their asses, they built the phony school room and photographed the mannequins getting a phony education. They had to return the mannequins by a certain time, so they sent Otto with the bus full of them to return them (So that's the resolution, was it worth wasting 20 minutes of our time? How about no?! That was just weak and pathetic). After Lisa tells them the things they didn't count on (You cannot seriously think you're being clever for "Attempting" to bookend this piece of shit, go to hell writers) we cut to an epilogue (Wait, what?! They couldn't possibly be this stupid... could they?) We end it with Otto driving a school bus over a bridge full of kids as the bus slips and falls over (But not without Otto making a bad Inception reference,  just saying Inception does not constitute a joke).

Final Verdict: This episode was stupid, granted it wasn't as bad as the previous two, but it was still rather mediocre. The storylines are jarring and stupid, the attempt to merge them fell flat and was weak, the jokes were terrible and considering one of the subplots was basically a repeated fart joke, that's pretty low. I think what annoyed me most of all was all the paper-thin tension written into this, if you want to have a suspenseful moment, I'm okay with it, but if you want to do that, be sure that the resolution isn't LAZY. If you want to see a good example of multiple storylines that converge and is funny, watch 22 Short Films About Springfield (Heck Trilogy of Error was better than this), if you want to watch something that makes you dumber as you watch it, watch this.

Final Grade: 3.6/10 Yet again, John Frink writes another mediocre, forgettable episode

"Hate Month" Simpsons Christmas Stories

Key:
Black=Kriken
Purple=RBY

Well, I have to hand it to you Mr. Payne, you managed not to screw up Thor. That's ONE good thing you've done so far in your writing career, I'll be sure to hold a party whenever you get around to doing the second. But that's for another day, today we'll be taking a look at one of Don Payne's most boring works: Simpsons Christmas Stories. An episode so- *Static*What was that? *Static* It's me! RBY! Oh hi RBY, so what's new with you? Well you forced me to finish your latest review when you walked out. I thought we had an agreement about me doing this kind of stuff. Remind me what it was? I DON'T DO IT! Well, why are you here then? I'm here because you already did a review of this and I'm here to stop you. We don't allow filler, dude! So my trap worked. I... wait, trap? Yep, I knew that I had to lure you here with an episode I already did, and now you're trapped here, forced to help me with the rest of "Hate Month" You can't do that, this is the internet! I can leave whenever I- Where'd that steel door come from? You're trapped with no way out until "Hate Month" is done, so are you ready for some pain? I hate you Kriken, remind me to burn your house down afterwards. Will do, let's begin. Goodie.

Shall we begin with the first segment?

Where else? The church, our framing device, went on a bit long in my opinion. I know writers want to get in every bad joke they ever heard, but, guys, you only get 20 minutes (give or take) for the episode. You shouldn't use it for filler.

I envy you, you haven't witnessed how bad the filler can get. But yeah, I enjoyed a bit, but then that turned to anger as it just seemed to drag after a while. Could've been shortened easily. So, your opinion on the casting of the first Christmas?

The one problem I had (as probably did most) was Bart as Jesus. Do I even need to explain why? What little we saw of him as Jesus comes across as completely antithetical to what I know about the guy.

That's the writer's attempts at adding "humor" to the story. I actually enjoyed Lisa as Gabriel (Albeit wrong gender) and Burns as Herod, just how pussified Burns is in newer episodes, it feels like a breath of fresh air to see him want to inflict pain and suffering instead of moping in his room.

Speaking of moping, Homer's characterization as Joseph didn't seem to fit him or the story as it's known. Sure they were trying to be funny and incorporate main characters, but Homer's not exactly a bad guy as I recall. If he were to be in Joseph's role, I think he'd be rather tolerant.

Unfortunately, that's "Comic relief Homer" where all his lines result in the writers laughing, but nobody else. Really the biggest problem is that they basically tried to a comedy out of something that doesn't really have much comedic value to be found. I already addressed the "Jokes", what point did they make you cry as well?

I don't cry, but I think I gave up around "wine to water" scene.

You have a much better tolerance for that than I do, I gave up right about when Marge went to the manger.

I've had a lot more experience with real-life stupidity, I guess. Well, I can't think of much more we can drag out of this segment. Shall we move on?

Agreed, little to no substance, let's move on. The next segment was probably my least hated, but that's like saying a broken thumb is better than the options of castration or amputation.

All honesty, I didn't really like that segment. There's nothing to really to suggest this is out of continuity (like the Treehouse of Horror segments are), so Santa showing up just felt jarring to me.

Agreed, this show doesn't really rely on magic, myths, or acts of God (Doomsday doesn't count). I would question why Grampa never mentioned how Santa screwed him during WWII, but I've given up on continuity in WWII episodes and just accept the Flying Hellfish as the true events of Abe, Montgomery and the war.

Yeah, at least that episode resolves- sorry, off-track. The jokes are a bit better, but not by much. If I can use a scale of humor, with 1 the lowest and 100 the funniest, I'd put both segments under 40, with this one being a bit higher. Sorry, but I think that it's true.

You don't have to apologize, this is purely opinion here. You gotta love just how half-assed the whole story was, from the lazy introduction of Abe's brother, to the half-assed resolution. I really felt like Bart and Lisa at the end; confused and apathetic.

What can I say, I don't like presenting opinions as facts. The segment had a few other issues, such as ABE Simpson calling himself "Young Grandpa Simpson". These writers apparently grew up on the show, they ought to know he has a name! Sure, it's minor, but it just bugs me.

It's a recurring theme in modern episodes; little problems (Along with big problems) that just seem to mount up into a big pile of fail. Well I've got nothing else to say, two crappy, boring, unfunny segments so far, let's move on to the final one.

Yeah. Sad thing is, while the final segment is also fairly dull, the characters act the most like themselves in this segment.

That's sad, that's probably the best compliment either of us can give it. All I can remember it for was a drive-by musical with no humor.

More or less. Still, I try to give credit where it's due.

Eh, I've been desensitized by this point so I was basically sleeping through all the "In-character" moments. There was something about Moe committing suicide that failed, or something. Homer forgot to get Marge a present, only for that to get resolved by Marge and what else?

There was a short song about the day before Christmas, but it was pretty dull.

Wasn't everything in that segment?

True. Still, to me, this manages to be the best of the three, out of virtue of being short and most in-character.

Yet it still sucks and as a whole it was boring and unfunny. I rest my case.

I never said it wasn't. So we're done?

Wait, no! That's what it means? I've only heard it used on TV. Case closed.

Ahhh....well, I'm done. Shutting off my Internet.

Well I'll see you next week in your prison that I created. ..... You're gone aren't you? Well see you later.

Episode 20: Homer Scissorhands

I really don't want to do this one. This episode is just so... annoying. Homer as a barber and Lisa jealous of Milhouse? Did the writers forget what they were writing? But I promised I'd stick through to the end, so let's take a look at this stinker and get it over with.

The episode begins (After a 2:10-long opening, mind you. Is it too early to hate this episode with a flaming passion that burns with the heat of a thousand suns?) where Lisa decides to paint Patty and Selma for... I don't know why, I guess the writers forgot what "Character motivation" means (and it won't be the last time, I assure you). After Patty and Selma go to sleep, Bart decides this would be the perfect time to annoy Lisa while she paints. Somehow Lisa subconsciously paints Bart into the painting (More like a bad photoshop effect if you ask me) and Lisa then decides to put gravity-defying paint on her pallet and throws it at Bart which swings around a la a boomerang and follows him homing missile style until it lands in Patty's hair (Physics is for losers). After failing to get the paint out themselves, Lisa decides that they need the help of "Someone older and wiser" cue Homer being his obnoxious self (Oh writers, if there's one thing in life I can depend on, it's your lazy, predictable writing). After Lisa tells Homer that he's just as responsible as they are, Homer decides that he needs to come up with some elaborate plan to kill Patty (And we are officially at the point where this guy is NOT Homer. I know they have bad blood, but they've never wished DEATH on each other, they'd only celebrate it). Lisa, however suggests that Homer just cut the paint out so she gives Homer hedge trimmers (But Lisa, Homer failed miserably when he tried that on someone he loved, what makes you think he'll be successful on someone he hates?)

Paint Pallet! I choose you!

However, Homer is able to not only cut the paint out of Patty's hair, but also give her a new look as well (... So the man who could not cut hair with scissors can suddenly cut hair with HEDGE TRIMMERS? That's like saying Michael J. Fox can write a legible document with Boxing gloves). You know what, let's just call this impostor Herbert (His twin) for the rest of this review. After Herbert wakes Patty up in the unfunniest way possible (Stop explaining the jokes, they aren't funny to begin with and explaining them makes them less funny) Patty is shocked at first at her hair, but accepts it after thinking it looks cute (Still doesn't forgive the fact that Herbert cut your hair without your permission, oh wait in wonderful world of Marisuville, nobody has issues with the main character, my mistake). Selma then asks Herbert to "Do me" as Herbert puts the hedge trimmers to his throat, however Selma explains that she wants Herbert to cut her hair (Hey Joker, any thoughts?) We then cut to Springfield Elementary where a decent joke about Bart ruining the slide is interrupted by Milhouse's emo side (The ONE joke I actually liked from this episode just has to be interrupted by Milhouse's whiny side). Milhouse tells Bart that last night he had an experience that changed his life forever, he watched... the first chapter of Finding Nemo (*Needle Scratch* Wait what?!) Milhouse then informs Bart that the implied death of Nemo's mom caused him to have an existential crisis (Remember when this show could actually make fun of stuff that was older than ten years? Yeah I'm starting to forget that a little too).

It's just so terrible, I must hide from it

Apparently, the mere idea of implied death in a Pixar movie is so frightening to Milhouse he hides himself in the couch and has to be rescued by the fire department (Anytime you'd like to add humor to this episode writers, you'd have my undivided attention). Milhouse decided that he needs to live life to the fullest and proclaim his love to Lisa and know her feelings towards him (*Pulls out a huge stack of papers* Take your pick for which time he already has done this) After Bart points this out, Milhouse claims he was being too subtle (Yeah these writers can talk about subtlety. Their version of subtlety makes Anvilicious look inconspicuous) Later we see the family (Along with Patty, Selma and Grampa. But don't worry about what point Grampa has being there, the writer magically wrote him out of the next scene) as everyone's complimenting Patty and Selma's new haircuts. Suddenly, A random woman (Never named, let's call her Ms. de Vyse) comes barging in and tells Herbert to give her a haircut as she sits right where Grampa was sitting (Are you too lazy to write characters out of scenes? Does the term "Character motivation" sound more like a Japanese dish to you? Then sign up to be the next great writer on The Simpsons, they might get around to looking at your application in 5 years). After an unfunny joke about money, Herbert begins to cut Ms. de Vyse's hair to the tune of Edward Scissorhands as Maggie treats the hair like snow (Somewhere Johny Depp and Winona Wyder are crying).

Maggie is certainly no Kim

So I just want to recap something here, Herbert gave TWO haircuts with HEDGE TRIMMERS and gossip around the DMV allowed a random woman to not only know where Herbert lives, but also when he'd eat dinner and know that he'd even be able to give her the haircut she wants. I'm just going to set up my "Instant Expert" meter down here, it's rather high right now and I expect it to be off the charts by the end of the review (These meters can only be made to go so high). After another unfunny reference to Edward Scissorhands ("Call me Homer Fingerhands"... somewhere, Tim Burton wants to commit suicide) Herbert tells Marge that he's loved hair all his life and regrets pulling his hair out when he was in high school (Great, now you're making And Maggie Makes Three cry, I hope you're happy, episode) Afterwards, Herbert buys a foreclosed shop and calls it "Are we Hair Yet?" (Few things. One, how does Herbert afford this? Does he even still work at the Power Plant? Two, really? You're going with that? That's not even a funny bad pun, that's just stupid). We then go to the school where Milhouse decides to announces his love for Lisa in front of everyone in the cafeteria (I think we all know where this is going, place your bets now). After we see that Lisa's embarrassed (Including Lisa doing a double facepalm, the writers are being very generous for this review), Milhouse decides to sing her a love song with a theremin which causes Lisa to become even more embarrassed (I'm getting embarrassed just watching this).

I think this speaks for itself

After the song, Lisa tells Milhouse that she doesn't love him and probably never will (Well that makes sense, in Lisa's Wedding she made it clear that even in High School she never loved him. Let's see how quickly they can piss on that future continuity). Milhouse then steps down and then meets a girl named Token Love Interest, er, I mean Taffy (Either name works well, both aren't interesting and don't deserve our attention). Taffy tells Milhouse how beautiful his song was and helps him take the theremin back (You can play a drinking game here, take a shot for every line of hers that isn't funny; so far, that's four shots). We then cut to Herbert'shair salon as he's cutting some women's hair and listening to gossip from his clients (If you're wondering why I only said that, it's because there aren't any jokes to be found). Back home, Herbert tells Marge that he can't really listen to Marge because he's sick and tired of listening to people talking (~Boring, this is boring, this is boring, get to the point~). At school, Milhouse and Taffy pass by Lisa and Bart as Lisa becomes a bit suspicious of Taffy because Lisa says she's a popular fifth grader (Taking up "Character Development 101" at the Uwe Boll school of writing I see. Oh by the way, take another shot). At this point I'm just going to call Lisa, LINO (Lisa In Name Only) because this behavior just really uncharacteristic of her. After LINO hurts her back while picking up her books (In an attempt at humor, attempt mind you) we cut to Herbert's salon as we get, here's a shocker, Herbert cutting women's hair while they gossip (Why fix something that's not broken? I'm sure the audience will eventually be brain dead enough to find unfunny repetitive things funny at some point).

Homer no! Don't run with scissors! Don't you remember what happened to Noah?

Herbert then snaps as he runs out of the salon with his scissors and cuts random things, including wires on a suspension bridge to which he replies "These are some really good scissors" (No Herbert, that's just lazy writing, learn the difference). At Moe's Herbert tries to forget about the salon, but is able to see all the flaws associated with everyone there as text balloons and he runs out (Any point to that scene? Nope? Didn't think so, let's move on). The next day, Herbert decides he needs to close down his salon as Clancy Wiggum and Sarah come to have Sarah's hair cut. Herbert says no, which leads to 25 seconds of pure annoyance which the writers mistake for humor (Think of the annoying scene in Good Burger if you want a good comparison. Only problem is that the Good Burger scene lasts for only 15 seconds). Lenny then comes into the hair salon and asks Herbert why he's still there. Lenny then suggests to Herbert that he drive away the customers by doing exactly what he does at work: a terrible job (So the writers ARE aware he has a job at the Power Plant. It's like they know they can be terrible at this and we just have to sit here and accept it). So Herbert "Tries" to screw up cutting Hellen Lovejoy's hair, but is unable to (The "Instant Expert" gauge just went off the chart and is now low on the "Mary Sue" gauge). You know, a story about hair CAN be funny, let's take the Ullman short of Bart's Haircut, it was funny because he got a bad haircut. You know what's NOT funny? Doing it right, where's the humor in Herbert always succeeding? It's boring!

I'm not a stalker! I just want to know her dress size, it has nothing to do with my skin suit I swear!

After Herbert fails to kill himself (Dammit! I was hoping this imposter would stop ruining Homer's image) we cut to LINO (At night mind you) looking up Taffy as she suspects that she's just using Milhouse somehow because she could get any fifth grader she wants (Uwe Boll is just so proud of you guys. Why show us her character, when Lisa could just exposite it to use numerous times?) LINO decides that she needs to figure out what's going on so she decides to go "Boots on the ground" and puts on a pair of pink boots... *Angry Stare* Later, Marge tries to comfort Herbert as he's going insane from the hair salon (And Ms. de Vyse decides to show up to say "I'll even buy products!" I guess Uwe Boll also taught them the art of his humor as well). The next day (Oh wait, LINO has her pink boots on. But it's daylight now, *checks back to computer scene*. Dear Lord, they can't even keep continuity within their SUBPLOT. This either indicates that the police ball was not "Tonight" or Lisa can apparently go back in time to stalk people. Either answer goes to show just how little the writers really care), we see Milhouse and Taffy hike up a mountain (Taffy gives Milhouse an inhaler and they continue on. Take another two shots) as LINO (Dressed in camouflage with her pink boots *Sobs*) follows them up the mountain. At "Holding Hands Point" *Forced laughter* LINO thinks she catches them but in reality she catches Lunch Lady Dorris and Moleman together (What did I say about Lunch Lady Dorris?) She is then spotted by Milhouse and Taffy as Taffy cannot believe LINO's with them again (Wait again? When did we see her with Milhouse and Taffy before, when she wasn't supposed to be? That's a rather big plot hole there, writers. By the way, another shot).

Hooray for lazy writing!

Milhouse tells LINO that they're through as Taffy tells Milhouse that he's still not over her and that they're through (Yes because when one is being stalked, that person is CLEARLY not over their stalker. Truly this writing is worthy of Season 4). Taffy leaves and Milhouse asks why LINO has to make him miserable (Two last shots, neither of her last lines were funny). LINO, trying to figure out why, decides to kiss Milhouse on the lips... OKAY FUCK IT! I'M DONE! I'M NOT FINISHING THIS REVIEW! FUCK THIS EPISODE AND FUCK THE WRITERS, I'M GOING HOME!

HEY! GET BACK HERE! You ARE home! . . . um, crap, that didn't work, and we're falling behind schedule. Fine, I'll finish this stupid thing. Anyways, Milhouse asks LINO if this means she likes him and LINO replies by saying, "Life is full of unexpected things" (such as my fifth-grade fanfiction on TV! I wonder if they'll buy my eighth-grade fanfic, where Lisa and Bart hunt demons from Hell!). Milhouse, distracted by love, accidentally falls off the cliff, which frightens LINO. Never fear, dear, the Deus Ex Machina eagle from Lord of the Rings comes to save Milhouse so he can say "Everything's coming up Milhouse!" (... That's two forms of fail right there. One: don't try to shoehorn in a catchphrase from when this show was great. Two: let's say for the sake of argument that you aren't making fun of LoTR. Then where did the eagle come from? The magical world of lazy writing?) Well, let's finish this. Later, we see Herbert and Marge at the Policeman's Ball, with Marge showing off her new haircut. She tells everyone that Julio cut her hair, not Herbert. Cue a cut to Julio as every woman flocks to be his new client (Oh goodie! A cameo by a character nobody likes in a place he doesn't belong in). The episode ends with Herbert giving Marge a salon-style haircut in the backyard as he thanks her for bailing him out, and thus the writers continue to forget that storylines need PROPER endings.

There, fixed.

*Walks in* What the hell are you doing? Did you finish my review? I had to, since you walked out. Wait, how long were you out for? That's not the point, let me finish this.


Final Verdict: This episode was terrible, the writing was lazy, the characters were either derailed completely or just not funny, the jokes were forced and terrible, and the storylines were both idiotic and contrived. If there's one positive thing I can think of, it's that it was funnier than last week's episode. But that's like saying a dead businessman is funnier than a dead kid, it's more one is less unfunny than the other. It's really sad when a Fanfiction can be used to fill out an episode and the writers get PAID for it. It just goes to show just how much they don't give a rat's ass.

Final Grade: 1.3/10 Boring main plot plus a subplot that is glorified fanfiction do not make for a good episode.

Update about the next few posts

This is a little bit late but I just want to clarify how the next few posts will go. As seen already, "Lovecraft's Corner #5" was already published today. the Homer Scissorhands review will be published tomorrow morning, and hopefully (Not exactly sure yet) the "Hate Month: Don Payne" will be published tomorrow evening. After all that, the blog Should be back on schedule and everything will resume as normal.

For updates about the blog and requests for future posts follow me on Twitter @Kriken_8

Lovecraft's Corner #5: Re-Animator

At this point, I wonder why Kriken insists on putting me on schedule. Deadlines seem to be my archnemesis. Oh well.

H.P. Lovecraft, Master of Horror, best known for his work in creating the Cthulhu mythos, once wrote a stealth parody of 'Frankenstein' that reached patently ridiculous levels. That's not to say it wasn't creepy - the man could've written about toast and made it scary, I'm sure. That said, when I discovered Re-Animator, today's flick, I was wondering, not how, but why they'd adapt a work that Lovecraft himself thought was poorly done. Was this a good idea? Let's find out. Spoilers ahoy!

The movie opens in a foreign country, with a nurse, a doctor, and two policemen breaking down a door to find a young bespectacled man (played by Jeffrey Combs) leaning over an ashen-faced bleeding older man. In a rather gruesome scene, the older man's eyes burst and he falls over dead, with the younger man saying the dosage was too much. The nurse accuses the younger man of killing; the younger man calmly replies he gave him life. This takes us to our opening credits, played over neon outlines of human head anatomy sketches. One such sketch suddenly opens its eyes, and the zoom-in to white fades to the Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachussetts. There, we meet our hero, Dan Cain, attempting and failing to revive a female patient. He takes her to the morgue, and we get to see the coroner, Dr. Hill, using his famous laser drill to collect a sample from the body's brain. Dan is then surprised by Dean Halsey, who wants Dan to meet their newest student - the young man from the beginning, Herbert West. West immediately gets off on the wrong foot with Dr. Hill (who is revealed to be a famous researcher).

The next scene has Dan posting an ad for a roommate, and Megan, Halsey's daughter, walks by. The two are clearly in a relationship, as demonstrated by the cut to the two of them in bed. They talk for a while, confirming that Meg is the Dean's daughter and her father would go into conniptions if he knew the nature of their relationship. The two of them joke around, and Dan ends up chasing Meg to the door, with him in nothing but a bedsheet. It turns out West is at the door to inquire about the roommate Dan asked for and is accepted after some hesitancy on Dan's part.

The first class we see West in is a disaster - taught by Dr. Hill, who is interrupted intentionally by West every time West disagrees with his teachings. Cut to that evening, when Hill is having dinner with Mr. Halsey and Meg. Dan arrives to pick Meg up for a study date, and Hill toasts her in a rather creepy manner. At Dan's place, Meg reveals her concerns about West - and both realize their pet cat, who normally won't leave them alone, is missing. Meg finds the cat in West's refrigerator, dead, and West threatens to tell the Dean about their relationship if Dan and Meg don't leave him alone. Late that night, though, Dan is awoken by a scream and finds West being attacked by the cat. In a humorous moment, the two end up rekilling the cat (better than it sounds, honest). West then tells Dan just what his project is: resurrecting the dead. Even better, he's decided he wants Dan to be his assistant! After all, as he says, Dan's hardworking, respected - he even revived the cat for him!

...I'm not gonna make any jokes about the exact nature of West's relationships with others, but I WILL keep a counter of all the times I could've.

Gay jokes: 1.

West reanimates the dead cat again to prove his work is real, and Meg (who was still there?) comes down to see the cat, howling in agony, guts on the table. She takes it well. Dan tells Halsey about West's work, and he takes it well too, suspending Dan's financial aid and expelling West. In a desperate attempt to prove the research was not made up, Dan smuggles West into the morgue, and they attempt to revive a fairly healthy specimen. Meanwhile, Halsey learns Dan is in the morgue and leaves Meg with the nurse to get him. Dan and West are about to leave when the body revives and attacks West. When Halsey reaches the morgue, the body gruesomely attacks him as well. West finally stops the corpse by driving a frickin' bone saw through the chest - and then, upon realizing Halsey is dead, persuades Dan to help him revive Halsey. Meg, by this time, has gotten away from the nurse and arrives at the morgue to find her zombie dad trying to strangle West and Dan. She makes him stop, security comes in, and West concocts an explanation that places all blame for the mess solely on Halsey - just visiting Dan (he even grabs him) when Halsey came in and went nuts. While the guard calls the cops, Dan goes into shock, and it's West who puts the blanket around him and holds him possessively.

Gay jokes: 2.(maybe 3?)

Halsey is secured in a padded cell with a straitjacket, with Meg watching him through a one-way mirror sadly. Dr. Hill gets her permission for exploratory surgery to find out why he's gone mad. Dr. Hill then starts making moves on Meg, and it is a blessing when Halsey interrupts by banging his head against the mirror. Meg leaves and Hill, angry that Halsey kept him from scoring, has him seized.

When Meg comes home, Dan is waiting for her. She demands to know just what he and West did to her father, and he has to tell her he's dead. She reacts about as well as you'd expect. Meanwhile, West, who cares not about women, is working in the basement when Hill arrives. He reveals he knows Halsey is dead and wants West's research as his own. He even says, "You will do what I tell you to."

Gay jokes: 4.

Hill is allowed to read West's notes and see his tissue samples. While Hill is distracted, West gets a shovel and decapitates him. He puts the head in the pan, standing it upright after a couple of unfruitful tries, and then decides, because SCIENCE! is more important than common sense, that he'll see if he can revives body parts (while normally I'd cry foul, the original character really could get this stupid; at least here, he had a bit better reason to kill a guy he decided to resurrect). Unfortunately, it goes horribly right, and West is knocked out by Hill's body. Back with Dan and Meg, they break into Hill's office to find Halsey has been lobotomized and Hill is waaaay too obsessed with Meg.

When West recovers, he finds Hill has stolen all his work and notes. He tells Dan what happened. Dan can't believe that not only has he killed someone but then brought him back, despite that everything West reanimates tries to KILL him. West's response? "Look, he tried to blackmail me, Dan! I didn't want you to disappear!"

Gay jokes: 5.

Dan and West work out Hill's plan, and Dan decides to inform Meg, despite West's protests.

Gay jokes: 6?

We then see Hill returning to his office, head kept in the pan (and how he got back is anyone's guess). After some fresh blood and a quick reanimation, Hill gives orders to Halsey, in which it's shown the lobotomy makes the mad reanimated subjects subservient to Hill. After this, Hill then sneaks into the morgue, using a head model from his desk to cover his severed neck. Cut to Meg's house, where Dan arrives to check in on her. The two have a tender moment before Zombie Dad Halsey ruins the moment (so he's a professional mood killer too) by breaking in, knocking out Dan, and kidnapping his daughter.

Back at the morgue, Hill's body is lobotomizing corpses when Halsey arrives with Meg and, on Hill's orders, strips her and restrains her. While I search for the rape horn, Dan wakes up to Herbert rather close to his face, calling his name repeatedly, before pulling him to his feet to save Meg.

Gay jokes: 7?

We return to the morgue to see Hill trying to rape Meg before West interrupts him and keeps him distracted long enough for Dan to free Meg (and give her a shirt). Hill reveals he wasn't unprepared, as legions of the undead rise to fight the trio, and beat them down fairly quickly. West is forced to drop his reagent and is bent over the autopsy table by two of the undead...

Gay jokes: 8.

Ok, there's NO way this is unintentional by now. The writers HAD to know what they were doing! So, while West is pinned to the table for a lobotomy with the laser drill, Dan tries and fails to protect Meg from the zombies. However, Meg finally gets through to Zombie Dad, who tears the zombies away before saving West by pushing Hill's body out of the morgue and then grabbing his head and squeezing it.

The remaining zombies are in extreme pain, freeing West and giving Dan and Meg a chance to get past their attackers. Hill's body returns to try to stop Halsey, but then West retrieves two more syringes of the reagent from his bag and overdoses the body; like in the beginning, this is effective, turning the body into a bloody mess and letting Halsey crush Hill's head and throw it out the morgue (finally prompting the guard to flee for his life). The zombies go nuts, destroying the lab, breaking a water pipe (I think) and destroying the fuse box. West, who cannot resist recording the results of an experiment, watches Hill's body until its stomach explodes and intestines capture West. He throws Dan his bag of serum and notes just before being dragged away. Dan and Meg get to the elevator to escape, but a zombie strangles Meg. He manages to get her to a hospital room, where one of the first scene replays: they try to save Meg and fail. Dan, having already lost his boyfriend - new friend, I mean, doesn't take her death well.

And then remembers West's bag.

He takes out a syringe and the reagent, tells Meg's body he loves her, and then positions the syringe at her neck as the screen fades to black, only showing the glowing reagent. The reagent then depresses. Cue a horrific scream - and roll credits.


As an adaptation....this movie's pretty good. The timeline's very compressed, granted, and there's a lot less ambiguity than in the original (in which West began going to extreme lengths for his research and his assistant rarely, if ever, protested), but the plot keeps the main story intact while adding pieces that develop the characters further (such as Megan). West is far more heroic and badass here than ever hinted at in the story this movie's based on, and his assistant Dan (unnamed in the original tale) is not as willing to go along with West, but it's at least explained in the movie why. There's a few scenes that don't seem to make as much sense due to the fact they were adapted straight from the book and the compressed timeline, but they do not interfere with the adaptation much. Plus, this adaptation drops some of the more racist connotations that came up in the original - certainly not a bad change. Overall, as an adaptation, I'd recommend this. Kriken, what'd you think?

Overall, I thought it was a rather decent movie. Not quite sure how well it stayed true to the original story, but it seemed to have an element of horror that I've come to expect from HP Lovecraft. I think what made it the best adaptation to date is the well timed humor and the Lovecraft references feel natural throughout the movie. It doesn't try to reference some other Lovecraft story that doesn't belong in this story so the flow of the movie is rather good. I'll have to agree with RBY about West coming off as a tad gay in certain scenes. Whether it's the dialogue or just the actions, there's something about his performance that seems to hint at the occasional "Ambiguously Gay Duo" jokes. It's not a bad thing, as it helps to make his scenes more enjoyable. Honestly, I'd recommend it if you're looking for a decent HP Lovecraft movie.

Overall:
H.P. Lovecraft fans or nonfans, you must track this down and watch it. Whether you like horror, humor, drama, or Ho Yay, there's something for everyone.

Quick Rant about Homer Scissorhands

I finished watching this episode yesterday and I felt that I had to vent about this before the actual review and I could not allow this to hang over my head for the week. While it wasn't the main story and the episode itself was rather boring and unfunny (Newsflash to the writers, having someone always succeed does not equal funny. Having them fail is funny). I'll address the Instant Expert of Homer as a hairdresser (And the painfully unfunny way he got there) later, right now I want to rant about the subplot of Milhouse and Lisa.

Milhouse decides that because knowing Nemo's (Finding Nemo) mother died in the first chapter, he must live every day to the fullest. I could include this in the rant, but I promised this would be short. He decides that he needs to flatout tell Lisa that he loves her and that he's been too subtle about it (THESE writers think they know subtlety, their version of subtlety makes a 2 by 4 to the face seem inconspicuous). He proceeds to embarrass himself and Lisa at the cafeteria, to which Lisa tells him that she does not love him. However a fifth grader named Taffy thinks what he did was romantic and decides to go out with him (She has no motivation, no character, few lines all of which aren't funny and yet the writers want us to believe that she's very popular and just using Milhouse to get another guy. Spoiler alert; nothing becomes of this, and her exit makes about as much sense as jumping into a puddle of mud to clean yourself). Anyways, Lisa starts to suspect Taffy has some ulterior motivation for being with Milhouse and she follows them to a cliff. Lisa gets spotted by Milhouse, Milhouse tells her he's over her, Taffy leaves Milhouse and Milhouse asks why Lisa did that.

Okay the "point" of all that was to establish just how infuriating this next scene made me, what comes next might be one of the worst moments in Simpsons history. There is no motivation for this next scene, there is no buildup, there is just... this:

Milhouse asks if Lisa how miserable he has to be before she's happy. Lisa then decides to walk over and kiss Milhouse right on the lips... I wish I had recorded my reaction to this scene, because I cannot express with words how pissed I was. I literally had to walk away in a secluded area just to scream at the top of my lungs, and I wasn't finished. It took me an hour of walking and collecting my mind before I could even WANT to finish watching the episode. Even trying to rationalize this, I thought to myself "Well maybe Lisa was jealous of Milhouse" but then I thought about it more, it is totally out of character for her to be jealous of Milhouse with someone else, she's made it crystal clear that she's never loved him and never will. If you haven't noticed, Lisa is my favorite character, and for that character derailing moment, I just was so pissed off. There was no motivation for her actions, no buildup and worst of all, it was LISA who kissed MILHOUSE, not the other way around. I maybe could have accepted Milhouse kissing her and Lisa blushing and thinking about it for a moment (Like Lisa's Date with Density) but no, the writers completely fucked up her character and did the ONE thing she'd never do. I was surprised they didn't have her eat a steak right afterwards, followed by killing a cat and then ditch her sax for a Katy Perry CD. Oh wait they already had her eat a piece of ham (Fight Before Christmas), kill scorpions (The Scorpion's Tale) and throw out her sax (Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life) in this season alone... I'm just going to a dark corner and cry for few hours.

And with all that, I'll just end on this note.
FUCK YOU WRITERS, YOU CAN GO TO HELL!!!
I'm sorry, this episode just got the better of me. I apologize for my unprofessionalism. I will try to base my review on the entirety of the episode and not this particular scene. Have a nice day

Hate Month: Don Payne Introduction

I said earlier that I would not be doing any reviews in this time period and this is no exception. This is merely an introduction, a short piece where I talk a little about Don Payne's work and why I decided to have him when there are so many worse writers I could bash (I'm looking at you Brian). So with that out of the way, let the hate begin.

Reason:
I screwed up when to do this, I should have done this last month, but I'm hoping to make up for it this month. The movie Thor (Releases this Friday) does not inspire confidence with me. The director (Kenneth Branagh) is a rather inexperienced director as he only had 13 films under his belt and his last movie was in 2007. I have no real opinion of him as a director (Only film of his I watched was Hamlet and I liked it) but I would think that they would want to put a veteran director behind this (Okay, in fairness I don't know how popular Thor is among comic book fans, but I feel like with Steel, you have to at least try to make a good movie regardless of popularity). This brings me to my second point; the writers. Now two of the writers seem like Siamese twins as they have near EXACT resumes on their respective IMDB pages, they are Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz. Like Ken, they have weak resumes as their biggest claim to fame is Agent Cody Banks... be very afraid people, be very afraid. There are two other writers responsible for the story (Mark Protosevich and J. Michael Staczynski) but I've been putting this one off for far too long, the final writer of this movie; Don Payne.

Don Payne's Work:
I could probably do this alone for his movie writing career (Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and My Super Ex Girlfriend) but instead let's take a look at the episodes he wrote by himself (The ones he wrote with John Frink don't count here.Also Thursdays With Abie doesn't count as it too was co-written with another writer)

• Fraudcast News
• Thank God it's Doomsday
• Simpsons Christmas Stories
• Little Big Girl
• Love Springfieldian Style
• Take my Life, Please

So what we have here is a bunch of episodes that either; nobody remembers, or they suck. I already covered Take my Life, Please and Simpsons Christmas Stories if you want to see what I thought of them (They're still fair game for this month). 

With all that, I leave you with a question; How does a man with this resume get a huge part in (Probably) a summer blockbuster? The world is cruel at times.

Episode 18: Father Knows Worst

We're in the home stretch of shitty episodes for this season, I know I've said that this season has sucked, but they managed to spread out their terrible episodes out in between bad and mediocre episodes. The next four episodes in my opinion have to be one of the worst stretches ever. This is a really pretentious episode that makes one wonder "How many nails will it take in my brain before I finally see the humor in this episode?" Oh yeah, this is an episode written by our good old buddy Rob Lazebnik who if you've read my previous reviews, you'll know I hate his guts. Let's watch and see why it's actually the writers who know worst.

We begin with the family (sans Marge and Maggie) down at the docks where we're shown that all the vendors have to tell the truth at their station (Are you trying to say that street vendors would lie to take our money? Surely you jest). They then decide to watch some street performers as Homer ruins one guy's act of juggling on a unicycle ~Padding padding padding~. After that bit of nonsense, we see Marge back home as she takes the old water heater upstairs (Because it makes a lot more sense to store old water heaters above your baby's room where the woodwork is shoddy than to store them in the garage, or the basement, or even in a shed. Or even, I don't know THROW THEM OUT). While Marge cleans up the area for the new water heater, she discovers a sauna right behind where the old water heater (I'm getting sick of typing water heater, what's their obsession with "Water heater"?) used to be. As it turns out the previous owner put a sauna in the basement that the family NEVER BOTHERED FINDING (There are plot holes and then there's just pulling things out of your ass. The story would have made much more sense if Marge went to a sauna instead of claiming there's one in her house)(....can the house even support a sauna? And shouldn't it have shown up on their electric and water bills?). Marge thinks about what it'd be like to tell everyone and she decides to keep the sauna a secret (Because the house kept it a secret from you).

Hey Marge, the 70's called. They said this episode sucks

Homer starts eating assorted kabobs and accidentally swallows a fire stick (I think hilarity will ensue), causing him to feel incredible pain. Bart gives Homer a container of lighter fluid (Homer thinking it's water), resulting in Homer trying to burn Bart with his fire breath (You're not Bowser, let Bart go). Dr. Hibbert puts a cast on Homer's tongue as Bart decides to sign it with "Moron" (Wow, that wasn't the least bit funny at first and it became even less funny when they went over the top to try to make it funnier. Simple jokes work, you stupid writers)(.....you can't put a cast on a tongue!). Weeks later, Homer gets his cast removed to find out that he gets very sensitive taste buds because the old ones were burned off; yeah, that's bullshit, taste buds are like shark's teeth and fingernails: new ones will always grow back and they are not any more or less sensitive than the previous ones and, really, taste buds can only get weaker with age. There is a thing as supertaster but in order to be one, most have increased fungiform papilla, which burning of taste buds does not create. In other words: YOUR STORY IS BULL SHIT! Back at home, we see that Homer still can't eat anything without complaining (I can't believe they are taking this seriously and expecting us to find this funny).

Seems like people wear their traits on their tongue now

Lisa though has the solution: Cafeteria food, or as she likes to say, "The blandest food known to man" (Oh so this is what is served to the writers)(Cafeteria food? Not airline food or hospital food? ESPECIALLY hospital food, which has to be bland to keep from making patients sick? ....you're the boss, writers). We then cut to Homer going to Springfield Elementary School so that he can eat the bland food (You know what they say, you are what you eat). Oh and by the way, why is Lunch Lady Doris still a character on the show? Doris Grau died years ago, why not replaced Lunch Lady Doris with someone new to honor Doris Grau? Oh right, that would require the staff to actually care, my mistake. Homer can't pay for the food so he does what every child hates: embarrasses his kids at school by being a complete asshole for a good 45 seconds (Pure comic gold, especially the fact that Homer repeats "I'm not going to embarrass you" three times. Just makes my sides split, oh wait that's my stomach, I'm trying to stab myself). Bart tells Homer to get away so Homer sits at a table with a boy and his mother. We discover that the mother is a "Helicopter parent" and she's there to make sure her soon succeeds (Booze I love you, you help me through moments like this).

This kid grew up to be the next Charles Manson

I just want to take a moment to rant if I may. This is stupid, I would have never allow my parents to EVER interfere with my education like that nor would I ever do the same, they respected me enough to let me succeed and fail on my own. this totally undermines the point of an education. If a kid cannot learn without the aid of their parent, where will they go in life then?! (Besides, you'd think the school would put its foot down...) Homer brags that he doesn't need to do that because he's got Lisa which the mother immediately points out is unpopular (Yet that has never bothered her before. Hell, she was successful in Secret War of Lisa Simpson even though the entire camp was against her. Man, this writing sucks)(Can we go watch that? That episode's awesome). Homer goes back home to blame Marge for why Bart's a loser and Lisa's a loner and he tells her they need to get more involved with the kids' lives (Wow, words can't describe my hatred for this episode)(While not a bad idea given their dysfunctionality, I say this. PARENTING: UR DOIN IT WRONG). As Homer goes back to school the next day he sees a lot of "Helicopter Parents" (I'm calling them dumbass patrol from now on) and decides to stare into Bart's classroom. Homer sees Bart slacking off while Homer finds out that Bart could win a $1,000 savings bond for college.

Air traffic control, we have failed comedy trying to take off, might I recommend the SAMs?

I'd like to take a small moment out of the review to talk about the "jokes", THEY'RE FUCKING HORRIBLE!! These "jokes" are all forced and painfully unfunny, I could do a whole post bashing every joke in this episode. After Homer lampshades how stupid this plot is, Homer decides to give Bart the idea to build the Washington Monument for the contest (Homer then "Flies away" and crashes into lockers because he thinks he's a helicopter. Words escape me, people, I think Picard speaks for all of us). Homer then takes Lisa for a walk and tries to change his daughter so that she becomes popular (.... it's all about popular! It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed!). After Lisa lampshades that it'd be character derailment for her, Homer gives Lisa two flimsy examples of why she should join a clique, and she agrees with him (There are choice words I have for Rob, mostly swears and curses). Homer then decides to prove Lisa that the book works by using it at Moe's on his friends (Sure, instead of strangers use it on people that you don't need to make friends with because they are already your friends. Makes perfect sense). Lisa doesn't want to hurt people until Homer says the book is meant for "Big girls" which instantly makes her want the book (Where are my tranquilizers?! I NEED THEM!!)(Here you are!).

Lisa Simpson; former smartest girl in Springfield, outsmarted by Homer Simpson...

At a model building store, Homer goes to buy Bart some balsa wood for his model. Determined not to be a laughingstock, Homer decides he and Bart will create a Westminster Abbey replica for the contest (This is the guy who last episode threw his wallet into the lake because he thought his reflection was trying to harm him, and we're expected to believe that they will even try to make the most complex model?! *pulls out a mallet* This is my Idea Mallet *Whacks the writers* GET A GOOD IDEA! (With apologies to Linkara))(I'll keep my Mallet o' Understanding at my side. For now). After Homer gets home to Marge (Who looks stoned, what is with the family getting high?) he reveals that he's hosting a phone party so that Lisa could invite some girls over to decorate their phones (I know it's topical, but hey maybe the writers won't piss me off with this. Maybe, oh wait YES THEY WILL). After Homer sprays himself with ant poison (Thinking it's spray-on tan... This is how Jesus responds to their "joke") he then lampshades (Seriously stop, it's not funny anymore. Nevermind, it was never funny to begin with) about how stupid it is to decorate cell phones, Lisa instantly becomes popular and Homer sees it as a success (Just wow, this scene pisses me off beyond words, Picard I need you again). Homer goes to Bart's room so that he can build the Abbey by himself (Remember the days where "your" volcano was built by your parents. This is nowhere near as funny as that).

Homer~ Quit while you're ahead, it's not too late to end this all

After Homer falls asleep, he dreams about Jeffery Chaucer, Oscar Wilde and Anne of Cleves, who all give Homer conflicting advice about allowing Bart to do his own work (This scene proves to be pointless since Homer does not wake up with a revelation and does not allow the dream to affect his decisions. Who says unfunny scenes need a point?). Homer accidentally destroys the Abbey, leaving Bart with a smashed model for the contest (Apparently of 5 people despite Mrs. Krabappel making it sound like a class contest earlier...). Chalmers awards Bart the prize because it must have been made by a student (No fair, I was constructing complex Lego models at 10 and they looked flawless, that's terrible reasoning)(And suddenly I feel ashamed of my functional plaster-of-paris masks and pots...).

Lisa, would it frighten you if I told you that this isn't the worst the writers treat you this year?

After Homer continues the helicopter joke (*Angrily* I swear to God I will shove a helicopter blade so far up your ass if you make another "Helicopter parent" joke again, Rob)(Where will you find it?), Bart declares that he doesn't deserve the prize because Homer made it and children should be allowed to do these things themselves because "Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes". That would have been good had it not been from Bart. This is extremely out of character and it belongs more to Lisa, especially since the quote is from Oscar Wilde. God, this writing sucks. Homer then gets a text from Lisa saying she hates being popular. Lisa then tells Homer that she can't continue to be shallow and she sounds a little sad from this, which is why her next line is so enthusiastic (I guess she really did need those mood stabilizing pills from last week). Homer goes home disappointed that he couldn't do jack squat about his kids lives but Marge tells Homer about the sauna and they spend some time in the sauna (Wait....why was the sauna even involved?).

Final Judgment: This episode is horrible, the writing is horrible, the plot is stupid beyond belief and the character derailment is enraging to any diehard fan. And above all, the jokes are TERRIBLE, it was painful to try to even listen to them, much less imagine people laughing at them, who were these jokes intended for? My pet rock? If I ever made a list of "Episodes with the worst jokes", this would be on my short list. This is one of THE worst episodes of all time for this series and really nothing saves this because even the acting is terrible at points. This is one of those episodes that tells me that the producers don't give a shit anymore about the material but how much money they can keep in their bank accounts at night.

Final grade: 0.5/10 Just painful

Episode 19: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

I don't know if I can take this month, between the shit that season 22 will air and the last four episodes of season 20, I think I might officially lose my marbles. *Sigh* I must be strong and persevere through the challenge, so I'll do my best. Before I start the review, let me just talk about the episode that aired this time last year. To Surveil With Love was a 1984-fail (Or just modern reference fail, depending on your POV) that had no humor, no coherence and two storylines that were just plain unwatchable. But people don't remember it for the actual episode, oh no, they remember it for that "Spectacular" *Bites tongue* "Tik-Tock Opening"... FUCK THAT OPEN- *Gets sedated by RBY* Sorry, where were we? Oh right, why the opening was flat out fail.

1. Tik-Tock was #1 from January and February and #3 in March. It fell off the top 10 in April and never returned. To Surveil With Love aired in May. See the problem? (List here)
2. The song just doesn't fit. I was a novice when I posted my rant last year, but you know what? I still say that Ke$ha should have nothing to do with The Simpsons. But at this point I'm waiting for the Justin Beiber cameo to appear in Winter of 2011-12, because we all know they're going to do that

Which brings me to my rant about this episode this week. Jersey Shore is basically a representation with what's wrong with TV. The point is, Jersey Shore like "Tik-Tock" is no longer relevant in the eyes of the American audience (Can't speak for international audiences though) and thus this show is dated even before it airs. Plus, like the hoarding sub-plot earlier this year... SOUTH PARK DID IT! Sorry for that long opening (I'll save my "Fit Tony" bitching in the review itself), without further ado, let's take a look at this episode. 

The episode begins with a scene of a long line outside the DMV where we see Homer, Bart, and Lisa standing in it (Prepare to have all expectations drained in 3, 2, 1...). Bart notices an arcade and asks Homer if he and Lisa can go there since they don't need to wait. However Homer goes over and leaves Bart and Lisa in the line (I should have seen this coming, the scene embodies all that Modern Homer is). Later, we see Bart and Lisa refuse to give Homer his spot back and they decide to sell their spot to the highest bidder. After some stupid jokes from random side characters Fit Tony (If the writers think I'm stupid enough to forget their abomination of continuity, they're wrong) offers a lollipop and is given the spot (No real reason why, it's not even implied that he intimidated them). Selma then calls him up and treats Fit Tony like he's an ordinary customer (I'll let your minds think about the exchange, it'll be funnier than what they wrote). So after that boring bit, Selma exits her shift for a smoke break and Fat Tony's associates kidnap her as she causes the car to drag on the road as they drive off (I'm just going to take a nap, wake me up when something funny happens).

Anyone else feel like this is how long their "Jokes" go on for?

We then cut to Bart and Lisa in the Springfield Forrest (Why are they there? Make up your own excuse, the writers forgot what "Motive" means) where they each lick the lollipop until Lisa licks the wrong side leading to an unfunny bit of Lisa and Bart trying to get each others spit out of their mouths which apparently lasts for an hour (This episode already feels like it's gone on for an hour). Afterwards, Bart smells something and unearths a truffle which Lisa explains is a fungus (... I'm... I got nothing, the idea that this is our subplot terrifies me). After Bart finds another one (When did he get this ability you might be asking. It's simple, the writer just pulled it out of his ass) which leads to a scene of Luigi leading the movie pig to find truffles (Do the writers just hope that putting in "Spider Pig" will distract us from the laziness of this subplot?) After some more padding (I would say plot development, but that's a foreign concept to these writers) Bart becomes Luigi's truffle boy (Please God take me now). Speaking of storylines that piss me off, we cut back to the docks where Fit Tony tries to intimidate Selma, but it backfires as Selma gets snarky with him causing Fit Tony to have a change of heart (And it leads to more painful dialogue... all in favor of watching a season 4 episode instead? Drat I've been overruled by RBY, I knew I should never have given her power of veto).

Who knew being brought back from the dead causes impaired judgement?

Afterwards, Selma gets liposuction (Didn't we have something similar to this with Moe?) Fit Tony (Inexplicably) wants to spend more time with Selma and makes out with her (What did I just say about motivation, writers?) Later at Marge's house, Marge can't get over what Selma looks like (I agree, I'm just going to pass around the brain bleach for everyone). Homer then stumbles in to mock Selma, but is interrupted by Fit Tony and he spouts off more stupid, forced dialogue (I'm just going to pad all my walls to prevent giving myself a concussion later). After a stupid scene of Homer drawing Patty for Fit Tony (Okay I abuse the hell out of "Pointless scene" but this scene in particular is pointless, unfunny and just plain awful) we get a montage of Selma and Fit Tony doing things together (And here I thought they'd avoid the montage, oh writers you never fail to disappoint me). Later, Fit Tony proposes to Selma on his boat and Selma says yes as we cut to an FBI van that puts Selma's picture next to Tony's on the Mob Hierarchy list (I will pay anyone $50 to finish this review right now... Sorry, RBY yet again has told me I cannot try to get someone else to do this). We then cut to Bart coming back to Lisa with 3 more truffles (I have an idea right now, let's cut this entire subplot to make room for the main plot, and after that, we'll cut the "Fit Tony-Selma" plot to make even more room for that main plot).

Bart, these aren't piles of dung, they're the deleted scenes of this episode

After a small conversation between Bart and Lisa (zzzzz......) we cut to the Four Season Hotel where Fit Tony and Selma get married. Okay they got married, that means the episode's over, good night. *Sigh* We still have 12 minutes left... wait, 12 MINUTES?! I need booze. At the reception, we see the receptionist list off who belongs at what table (In a rather dull monotone) until he directs Homer and Marge to a small table filled with random people (Including Comic Book Guy... Why he's there we'll never know). Selma then asks the Simpsons to have their picture taken with her and Tony as Marge and Selma have what feels like a 10 minute exchange with no humor (Not as bad as Ricky from Angry Dad the Movie, but that's like saying a broken arm isn't as bad as getting your knees shot out). We then cut back home as Marge is still pissed about Selma putting them in the bad table (Paging the Real Marge Simpson, this impostor is trying to defame your character with pettiness). After not Homer provides more "Uncomic relief" with Fit Tony (Okay seriously Not Homer SHUT THE FUCK UP!) Fit Tony invites Marge and Homer to his house down the shore (There's not enough booze to make what's coming up the least bit entertaining is there?) We then cut to Bart and Lisa (Cause this is filler!) as they bicker over Bart not finding more truffles.

Now I can hide you away, and there will be nothing stopping me from taking over as the popular child!

Bart then bumps into a tree and Lisa drags him off and blinds him with goggles and covers his mouth with a muzzle so that he can only focus on finding truffles... Anyone see Lisa around? She's about 4'4", blonde, and above all NOT THIS DICKISH! Bart then leads Lisa back to her room where he finds out that she's been keeping them for herself... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! No seriously, I have no clue what just happened, why did Lisa do that to Bart? Why is she keeping the truffles in her room? And why could Bart never smell them himself in the house? I want to hurt someone, but I can never do what this episode has done. Anyways, let's see their half-assed explanation for why she kept them. Apparently she kept them because she can't stand the bland vegetarian food she always eats... *Bangs head on padded wall* Bart decides to give the last truffle to Spider Pig and he decides to eat all the truffles he can find... *Bangs facepalmed head on wall* Ah screw it, that means the shit was the subplot is over and the real deep hurting can begin. We then cut to Not Homer and Marge driving to Fit Tony's house where Homer figures Not Marge can make up with Selma. Not Marge and Homer get into the house where Fit Tony introduces them to four members of Jersey Shore whose names I will not bother to remember, to me they're Douche #1, Douche #2, Asshole #1, and Slut #62 (My ears feel violated everytime they open their mouths).

I'd like to introduce you to failed parody #1, failed parody #2, and Bob

After some more failed satirizing of Jersey Shore (Deep hurting) we see Selma with a new character design (Wait, this would require the animators to give a damn. Okay who paid off the animation studio?) After some more bickering between Selma and Not Marge (If you want to see a good example of Marge actually caring about Selma's marriage check out A Fish Named Selma, not a personal favorite of mine, but it's a pretty good episode. What's that RBY? I just feel that it's easier to keep my sanity by mentioning good things) we see Not Homer and Fit Tony play some beach volleyball with Douche #1-5 (My brain is trying to escape through my ears). We then see Selma try to talk kindly towards Marge, but Not Marge is hesitant because the script is painful, er I mean... actually that would make more sense. After seeing the two couples in Fit Tony's hot tub (This is supposed to be a comedy right? I haven't smiled once, much less snickered. Maybe if I put my brain capacity on the level the writers are appealing to I might laugh, excuse me a moment *Takes drill to forehead* Derrr... Homer act like Jersey Shore douchebags funny hu-hu) we see Not Marge and Homer walk around until they stumble outside of Fit Tony's room where apparently Not Marge knows mob talk and thinks that Fit Tony is cheating on Selma (Normal me would question where Marge learned this, but "Speed this up" me just waves off another plot hole and prays for the end. By the way, I got my brain fixed).

Even Selma thinks this episode sucks

Later, we see that Marge told Selma and she breaks down crying (So let me get this straight, when Marge ASSUMES Fit Tony is cheating on Selma, Selma believes every word and breaks down crying. But when Homer hears is straight from Troy McClure that the marriage is a sham and tells Marge who tells Selma, Selma just writes it off? Character consistency; a small detail that makes your story so much more engaging). After more parody fail Not Homer tells Fit Tony that they have to go. Selma then goes bursting out and tells Tony she's leaving, but apparently Fit Tony has another wife and Selma is the mistress (Does anyone really care at this point? Plus I thought Fat Tony's wife got whacked offscreen in season 18, oh wait that's FAT Tony's wife, not FIT Tony's wife, my mistake). After Marge questions the wedding, the writers, er I mean Fit Tony (They never once acknowledge that this man is NOT Fat Tony. The writers really do think their audience is stupid don't they?) tries to fill in all the plot holes (You don't have enough BS to fill the canyons this episode provides). So it turns out the wedding was a mistress wedding and all the Italian wedding vows translate out to the fact that Selma was agreeing to be Fit Tony's mistress (Just 2 more minutes, just two more minutes). Selma and Fit Tony's wife (I'm sure she has a name, I just don't care) have a cat fight as Not Marge and Homer make out in a tanning bed (Almost there). The episode ends with a bad Bonanza parody where a map of New Jersey burns to the Bonanza music (Well that was random, but who am I to question this, it ends this experience for me).

Final Verdict: This episode is God Awful, the storylines are both awful and make me want to jab my eyes out, the jokes are non existent as usual, the dialogue is heinous, the "Parody" of Jersey Shore is really just a failure at satire and should be taught in writing classes as how NOT to do a parody. I gotta say, of all the episode from this season, this scrapes the bottom of the barrel and is somehow worse than killing Fat Tony only to replace him with Fit Tony... FUCK THIS EPISODE!!!!

Final Grade: 1.3/10 Tom Servo, your thoughts on this season?

May Schedule

5/2: The Real Housewives of Fat Tony
5/4: Father Knows Worst
5/5: "Hate Month" Don Payne Introduction
5/11: Lovecraft's Corner #5
5/12: Homer Scissorhands
5/13: "Hate Month" Don Payne Part 1
5/16: 500 Keys
5/18: Waverly Hills 9-0-2-1-D'oh
5/20: "Hate Month" Don Payne Part 2
5/23: The Ned-Liest Catch (AKA That 90's Show Part 2)
5/25: Four Great Women and a Manicure
5/27: "Hate Month" Don Payne Part 3
5/30: Season 22 review/ Season 22 in 5 seconds

*Schedule subject to change