Episode 20: Homer Scissorhands

I really don't want to do this one. This episode is just so... annoying. Homer as a barber and Lisa jealous of Milhouse? Did the writers forget what they were writing? But I promised I'd stick through to the end, so let's take a look at this stinker and get it over with.

The episode begins (After a 2:10-long opening, mind you. Is it too early to hate this episode with a flaming passion that burns with the heat of a thousand suns?) where Lisa decides to paint Patty and Selma for... I don't know why, I guess the writers forgot what "Character motivation" means (and it won't be the last time, I assure you). After Patty and Selma go to sleep, Bart decides this would be the perfect time to annoy Lisa while she paints. Somehow Lisa subconsciously paints Bart into the painting (More like a bad photoshop effect if you ask me) and Lisa then decides to put gravity-defying paint on her pallet and throws it at Bart which swings around a la a boomerang and follows him homing missile style until it lands in Patty's hair (Physics is for losers). After failing to get the paint out themselves, Lisa decides that they need the help of "Someone older and wiser" cue Homer being his obnoxious self (Oh writers, if there's one thing in life I can depend on, it's your lazy, predictable writing). After Lisa tells Homer that he's just as responsible as they are, Homer decides that he needs to come up with some elaborate plan to kill Patty (And we are officially at the point where this guy is NOT Homer. I know they have bad blood, but they've never wished DEATH on each other, they'd only celebrate it). Lisa, however suggests that Homer just cut the paint out so she gives Homer hedge trimmers (But Lisa, Homer failed miserably when he tried that on someone he loved, what makes you think he'll be successful on someone he hates?)

Paint Pallet! I choose you!

However, Homer is able to not only cut the paint out of Patty's hair, but also give her a new look as well (... So the man who could not cut hair with scissors can suddenly cut hair with HEDGE TRIMMERS? That's like saying Michael J. Fox can write a legible document with Boxing gloves). You know what, let's just call this impostor Herbert (His twin) for the rest of this review. After Herbert wakes Patty up in the unfunniest way possible (Stop explaining the jokes, they aren't funny to begin with and explaining them makes them less funny) Patty is shocked at first at her hair, but accepts it after thinking it looks cute (Still doesn't forgive the fact that Herbert cut your hair without your permission, oh wait in wonderful world of Marisuville, nobody has issues with the main character, my mistake). Selma then asks Herbert to "Do me" as Herbert puts the hedge trimmers to his throat, however Selma explains that she wants Herbert to cut her hair (Hey Joker, any thoughts?) We then cut to Springfield Elementary where a decent joke about Bart ruining the slide is interrupted by Milhouse's emo side (The ONE joke I actually liked from this episode just has to be interrupted by Milhouse's whiny side). Milhouse tells Bart that last night he had an experience that changed his life forever, he watched... the first chapter of Finding Nemo (*Needle Scratch* Wait what?!) Milhouse then informs Bart that the implied death of Nemo's mom caused him to have an existential crisis (Remember when this show could actually make fun of stuff that was older than ten years? Yeah I'm starting to forget that a little too).

It's just so terrible, I must hide from it

Apparently, the mere idea of implied death in a Pixar movie is so frightening to Milhouse he hides himself in the couch and has to be rescued by the fire department (Anytime you'd like to add humor to this episode writers, you'd have my undivided attention). Milhouse decided that he needs to live life to the fullest and proclaim his love to Lisa and know her feelings towards him (*Pulls out a huge stack of papers* Take your pick for which time he already has done this) After Bart points this out, Milhouse claims he was being too subtle (Yeah these writers can talk about subtlety. Their version of subtlety makes Anvilicious look inconspicuous) Later we see the family (Along with Patty, Selma and Grampa. But don't worry about what point Grampa has being there, the writer magically wrote him out of the next scene) as everyone's complimenting Patty and Selma's new haircuts. Suddenly, A random woman (Never named, let's call her Ms. de Vyse) comes barging in and tells Herbert to give her a haircut as she sits right where Grampa was sitting (Are you too lazy to write characters out of scenes? Does the term "Character motivation" sound more like a Japanese dish to you? Then sign up to be the next great writer on The Simpsons, they might get around to looking at your application in 5 years). After an unfunny joke about money, Herbert begins to cut Ms. de Vyse's hair to the tune of Edward Scissorhands as Maggie treats the hair like snow (Somewhere Johny Depp and Winona Wyder are crying).

Maggie is certainly no Kim

So I just want to recap something here, Herbert gave TWO haircuts with HEDGE TRIMMERS and gossip around the DMV allowed a random woman to not only know where Herbert lives, but also when he'd eat dinner and know that he'd even be able to give her the haircut she wants. I'm just going to set up my "Instant Expert" meter down here, it's rather high right now and I expect it to be off the charts by the end of the review (These meters can only be made to go so high). After another unfunny reference to Edward Scissorhands ("Call me Homer Fingerhands"... somewhere, Tim Burton wants to commit suicide) Herbert tells Marge that he's loved hair all his life and regrets pulling his hair out when he was in high school (Great, now you're making And Maggie Makes Three cry, I hope you're happy, episode) Afterwards, Herbert buys a foreclosed shop and calls it "Are we Hair Yet?" (Few things. One, how does Herbert afford this? Does he even still work at the Power Plant? Two, really? You're going with that? That's not even a funny bad pun, that's just stupid). We then go to the school where Milhouse decides to announces his love for Lisa in front of everyone in the cafeteria (I think we all know where this is going, place your bets now). After we see that Lisa's embarrassed (Including Lisa doing a double facepalm, the writers are being very generous for this review), Milhouse decides to sing her a love song with a theremin which causes Lisa to become even more embarrassed (I'm getting embarrassed just watching this).

I think this speaks for itself

After the song, Lisa tells Milhouse that she doesn't love him and probably never will (Well that makes sense, in Lisa's Wedding she made it clear that even in High School she never loved him. Let's see how quickly they can piss on that future continuity). Milhouse then steps down and then meets a girl named Token Love Interest, er, I mean Taffy (Either name works well, both aren't interesting and don't deserve our attention). Taffy tells Milhouse how beautiful his song was and helps him take the theremin back (You can play a drinking game here, take a shot for every line of hers that isn't funny; so far, that's four shots). We then cut to Herbert'shair salon as he's cutting some women's hair and listening to gossip from his clients (If you're wondering why I only said that, it's because there aren't any jokes to be found). Back home, Herbert tells Marge that he can't really listen to Marge because he's sick and tired of listening to people talking (~Boring, this is boring, this is boring, get to the point~). At school, Milhouse and Taffy pass by Lisa and Bart as Lisa becomes a bit suspicious of Taffy because Lisa says she's a popular fifth grader (Taking up "Character Development 101" at the Uwe Boll school of writing I see. Oh by the way, take another shot). At this point I'm just going to call Lisa, LINO (Lisa In Name Only) because this behavior just really uncharacteristic of her. After LINO hurts her back while picking up her books (In an attempt at humor, attempt mind you) we cut to Herbert's salon as we get, here's a shocker, Herbert cutting women's hair while they gossip (Why fix something that's not broken? I'm sure the audience will eventually be brain dead enough to find unfunny repetitive things funny at some point).

Homer no! Don't run with scissors! Don't you remember what happened to Noah?

Herbert then snaps as he runs out of the salon with his scissors and cuts random things, including wires on a suspension bridge to which he replies "These are some really good scissors" (No Herbert, that's just lazy writing, learn the difference). At Moe's Herbert tries to forget about the salon, but is able to see all the flaws associated with everyone there as text balloons and he runs out (Any point to that scene? Nope? Didn't think so, let's move on). The next day, Herbert decides he needs to close down his salon as Clancy Wiggum and Sarah come to have Sarah's hair cut. Herbert says no, which leads to 25 seconds of pure annoyance which the writers mistake for humor (Think of the annoying scene in Good Burger if you want a good comparison. Only problem is that the Good Burger scene lasts for only 15 seconds). Lenny then comes into the hair salon and asks Herbert why he's still there. Lenny then suggests to Herbert that he drive away the customers by doing exactly what he does at work: a terrible job (So the writers ARE aware he has a job at the Power Plant. It's like they know they can be terrible at this and we just have to sit here and accept it). So Herbert "Tries" to screw up cutting Hellen Lovejoy's hair, but is unable to (The "Instant Expert" gauge just went off the chart and is now low on the "Mary Sue" gauge). You know, a story about hair CAN be funny, let's take the Ullman short of Bart's Haircut, it was funny because he got a bad haircut. You know what's NOT funny? Doing it right, where's the humor in Herbert always succeeding? It's boring!

I'm not a stalker! I just want to know her dress size, it has nothing to do with my skin suit I swear!

After Herbert fails to kill himself (Dammit! I was hoping this imposter would stop ruining Homer's image) we cut to LINO (At night mind you) looking up Taffy as she suspects that she's just using Milhouse somehow because she could get any fifth grader she wants (Uwe Boll is just so proud of you guys. Why show us her character, when Lisa could just exposite it to use numerous times?) LINO decides that she needs to figure out what's going on so she decides to go "Boots on the ground" and puts on a pair of pink boots... *Angry Stare* Later, Marge tries to comfort Herbert as he's going insane from the hair salon (And Ms. de Vyse decides to show up to say "I'll even buy products!" I guess Uwe Boll also taught them the art of his humor as well). The next day (Oh wait, LINO has her pink boots on. But it's daylight now, *checks back to computer scene*. Dear Lord, they can't even keep continuity within their SUBPLOT. This either indicates that the police ball was not "Tonight" or Lisa can apparently go back in time to stalk people. Either answer goes to show just how little the writers really care), we see Milhouse and Taffy hike up a mountain (Taffy gives Milhouse an inhaler and they continue on. Take another two shots) as LINO (Dressed in camouflage with her pink boots *Sobs*) follows them up the mountain. At "Holding Hands Point" *Forced laughter* LINO thinks she catches them but in reality she catches Lunch Lady Dorris and Moleman together (What did I say about Lunch Lady Dorris?) She is then spotted by Milhouse and Taffy as Taffy cannot believe LINO's with them again (Wait again? When did we see her with Milhouse and Taffy before, when she wasn't supposed to be? That's a rather big plot hole there, writers. By the way, another shot).

Hooray for lazy writing!

Milhouse tells LINO that they're through as Taffy tells Milhouse that he's still not over her and that they're through (Yes because when one is being stalked, that person is CLEARLY not over their stalker. Truly this writing is worthy of Season 4). Taffy leaves and Milhouse asks why LINO has to make him miserable (Two last shots, neither of her last lines were funny). LINO, trying to figure out why, decides to kiss Milhouse on the lips... OKAY FUCK IT! I'M DONE! I'M NOT FINISHING THIS REVIEW! FUCK THIS EPISODE AND FUCK THE WRITERS, I'M GOING HOME!

HEY! GET BACK HERE! You ARE home! . . . um, crap, that didn't work, and we're falling behind schedule. Fine, I'll finish this stupid thing. Anyways, Milhouse asks LINO if this means she likes him and LINO replies by saying, "Life is full of unexpected things" (such as my fifth-grade fanfiction on TV! I wonder if they'll buy my eighth-grade fanfic, where Lisa and Bart hunt demons from Hell!). Milhouse, distracted by love, accidentally falls off the cliff, which frightens LINO. Never fear, dear, the Deus Ex Machina eagle from Lord of the Rings comes to save Milhouse so he can say "Everything's coming up Milhouse!" (... That's two forms of fail right there. One: don't try to shoehorn in a catchphrase from when this show was great. Two: let's say for the sake of argument that you aren't making fun of LoTR. Then where did the eagle come from? The magical world of lazy writing?) Well, let's finish this. Later, we see Herbert and Marge at the Policeman's Ball, with Marge showing off her new haircut. She tells everyone that Julio cut her hair, not Herbert. Cue a cut to Julio as every woman flocks to be his new client (Oh goodie! A cameo by a character nobody likes in a place he doesn't belong in). The episode ends with Herbert giving Marge a salon-style haircut in the backyard as he thanks her for bailing him out, and thus the writers continue to forget that storylines need PROPER endings.

There, fixed.

*Walks in* What the hell are you doing? Did you finish my review? I had to, since you walked out. Wait, how long were you out for? That's not the point, let me finish this.


Final Verdict: This episode was terrible, the writing was lazy, the characters were either derailed completely or just not funny, the jokes were forced and terrible, and the storylines were both idiotic and contrived. If there's one positive thing I can think of, it's that it was funnier than last week's episode. But that's like saying a dead businessman is funnier than a dead kid, it's more one is less unfunny than the other. It's really sad when a Fanfiction can be used to fill out an episode and the writers get PAID for it. It just goes to show just how much they don't give a rat's ass.

Final Grade: 1.3/10 Boring main plot plus a subplot that is glorified fanfiction do not make for a good episode.