Episode 21: 500 Keys

Why does John Frink continue to get work on this show? Almost every episode he's ever written has sucked and this week's is no exception. I fully expected this episode to be a 4-segment episode where each family member goes on their own little storyline. After watching this though I yearned for it to be a four segment episode instead, it probably would have been much better that way. Instead we get a supposed "A-Plot" with three subplots that are all forced to tie in at different points. The result; a terrible, confusing episode with no comedy and viewers getting dumber just watching it. With that out of the way, let's take a look at today's abomination.

The opening (I don't normally talk about this, but I feel the need to address this) begins with Hank Scorpio flying a fighter jet (Nothing but fanservice, now the fans will be gushing over a meaningless 5 second cameo) followed by a chalkboard gag of "It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall" (I guess the backlash of their stupidity caused them to try to apologize for their mistake. Also Lisa's playing a violin, just thought I'd mention that as well since I mentioned the other two). Our episode then begins with the family (Sans Marge) shopping for a wedding cake because... because... because the writers are out of ideas, that's why. While trying to get the cake home, they run into a traffic jam as Homer decides to take a shortcut that's conveniently pointed out to us as "Suicidal Moron Pass" (What did I say about explaining your jokes?) After some more physics defying driving by Homer (With suspenseful music to boot, but honestly the soundtrack should go more like this) Homer is able to get home with the cake intact (Phew, for a moment I thought all that fake tension might possibly be real tension). However, Maggie is left in the car as she locks the doors (With the keys inside) and Marge finds out that she's locked in, causing her to panic to find the spare key.

THE DEATH OF MAGGIE (To be continued in the next episode)

However, in the next scene we see that Maggie let herself out of the car, thus resolving that conflict (Oh Mr. Frink, is there any story you can write where the resolution isn't a disappointment?) So we're 3 minutes in, and all we know is that the family bought a cake for no reason, the family seems to have a million keys and Maggie got locked in the car, only to free herself 30 seconds later. I've seen more interesting storylines from grass growing during a drought. After Homer eats the frosting off Maggie's head (Don't ask, it's better that we not question the genius mind of John Frink) Lisa questions all the keys as Homer decides to take a moment to give some dull backstory for a few (It seems like it's a 3 way race to see which is more boring; Paint drying, grass growing, or this episode. You be the judge). After Homer holds up some keys from much better episodes (Thanks for acknowledging that this show used to be good, now do us a favor and QUIT!) Bart and Homer decide to take some of the keys and find out their uses (I sense zany antics afoot. No wait, I meant "Painfully predictable stupidity") Bart decides to first open up a mailbox to cause mischief as people start to convene on the mailbox to remove mail they had second thoughts on. Bart's upset that his first act with a key caused people to be happy as Reverend Lovejoy walks by to say "Ha-Ha" (Why not use Nelson for that? I mean he is in this episode, oh right I need to stop questioning the writing)

Hey there, blimpy boy, flying through the sky so fancy free

We then cut to Homer as he's walking with Barney and it's revealed that Homer has keys to the Duff Brewery (NO! The only time those two should ever go there is Duffless, I award you NO points for this substory, and may God have mercy on your soul). After a padded out flashback about how Homer got the keys, they get in and look around at the various parts of the brewery (Sorry, but the inspection line with Hitler's head in the jar cannot be topped, just quit now). Homer then finds the Duff Blimp and reads the text on it (That Barney typed into the computer) and decides to fly off with the blimp (And so unfunny subplot #2 begins, let's just set up a small storyboard to the left to see how badly they screw up trying to link these together). We then cut back home as Lisa finds a key that belongs to the school and decides to return it (And so our supposed "Main plot" begins). Marge finds another stray key as Maggie conveniently appears with they toy the key belongs to (I guess she has that "Plot-convenient teleportation" I've heard so much about). It turns out they wind-up key is used to start up a "Toot-train" which each person farts when they push down on their side of the handcar (Hey Family Guy called, they want their terrible joke back). After Marge gets a call from Homer (And read the script as she apparently knows what blimp engines sound like from the inside of a blimp) Maggie turns the toy back on and thus begins Marge and Maggie's journey to get the never-ending toy (Oh goodie, this bad joke is a subplot. I can just guess all the "hilarious" antics that will ensue).

How unfunny and crude, let's make this into a subplot

After a pointless bit with the Flanders involving the toy (My mind is melting with each passing second) we cut to Lisa as Nelson decides to play devil's advocate and suggests to Lisa that she figure out what the key opens (Honestly it starts off as a decent scene, but is then ruined by Nelson repeating the same line about 10 times). Lisa decides to go to the basement and finds out it opens a door labeled "Banned Band Books" (It's the bad punchline from the previous two doors). After some "spooky" cliches, Lisa stumbles upon a secret room (And decides to explain what exactly it is in the bigger picture, look just because you've dumbed down the majority of your audience doesn't mean I can't figure it out myself). After Lisa gushes over the different settings, she finds out that nothing in the room is real study material (Don't get too invested in how this all pays out, you should know by now that the writers don't understand the concept of "Satisfying ending"). Lisa then confronts Skinner about the room as he at first dismisses her but then decides to look at it anyways (Okay there was some humor in that scene I'll admit, but really it's not worth watching this). We then cut to Homer (~Padding, padding, padding~) as Homer thinks about having a Duff while piloting the blimp. He wonders if it counts as drinking and driving as he decides to text Lenny all while "Comedically" avoiding obstacles (Oh writers, your forced "Homer's irresponsibility" followed by the overwhelmingly predictable antics always manage to find new ways to piss me off).

Alfred Hitchcock is rolling in his grave

We then cut back to Marge as the toy happens to head into the Community Center as the sign indicates there's a meeting of irritable bowel syndrome support group going on inside (Classy, writers, this is truly comedy that this show is best known for). After a predictable unfunny bit (Quick question, how does the handcar continue to run and change directions like it has? Oh right, if it couldn't how would we have had that "hilarious" scene of it passing through an IBS support group. My bad) we cut to Lisa in the basement as she decides to reveal to Skinner (And various students as well... um why? Oh right, so that they can set up a plot point later on). Lisa then opens the door and it turns out a bookshelf of books is now behind the door (Ten bucks says anyone with half a brain knows this cliche) After Skinner patronizes Lisa (And Lisa just stands there saddened, come on Lisa, you should know how this works) we then see Bart (Oh right he has a subplot going on as well, almost forgot) as he decides to turn on a window washing lift so he can moon random people as he goes up (Okay, credit where it's due, that is pretty funny and in-character for him). However, Ol' Gil tries jumping off the exact building and lands on the lift as he thanks Bart and it causes Bart to get a Key to the City (Why are the writers ruining the only storyline that has potential for humor? Why not show Bart SUCCEEDING in his pranks. I know I said last week success is boring, but not in this case, in this case it would be funny).

We're totally not engaged! We're not! *Whispers* Don't tell Mother that we are

We then cut to school as Skinner tells Chalmers that she might be onto something (To which Chalmer replies "I oversee 14 schools Seymour, and for some reason I always find myself talking to you about one of the Simpsons kids". Wow, I guess the writers finally acknowledge just how lazy they are for inserting him in just for the sake of it. Now will they do anything with that? Probably not, so just file this under "We know what we're doing, we just don't care"). Skinner notices Lisa and decides to take the key away from her. As Lisa walks home (With a shoehorned reference to Homer's subplot. Frink, just stick to failing at one plot, okay?) she notices Ralph selling school newspapers and decides that she can use the photo of the key to make a duplicate to get back in the room (Okay a few things, one; why is Ralph selling papers? Oh right, the fans love him and the writers need to put him in any scene regardless of if it makes sense or not. Second; I'm pretty sure that's not how key duplication works. It might work, but I really doubt it, partly seeing as the locksmith doesn't have a scale and keys are not perfectly symmetric, just saying). After an unfunny chase between Homer and the police via blimp (I don't even... *Facepalm*) Lisa decides to get the duplicate and goes back to school where she finds the bookcase yet again. After Lisa breaks the bookshelf (And has an unfunny bit with tombstones of kid detectives, I'll admit the first time got a chuckle, the second time wore out its welcome though) Lisa goes in and finds the message "The children are on bus 23" (Great, now they're trying to add a mystery within the mystery which will not pay off in the end).

Now to prove women are just as good at exploring as men- Eek! A spider! *Runs away*

After a pointless cut to Bart (As we get one of the worst jokes in the history of the show. I hate you writers, I truly do) we cut to Marge as she's still looking for the toy (STORYBOARDS ARE YOUR FRIENDS! It helps make the episode flow naturally and not seem like this jumbled mess) She spots it as it passes by Wiggum (Who apparently is now okay from the exploding blimp. Continuity, what's that?!) as he can't pick it up because the writers feel the need to repeat the joke of "Wiggum can't grab anything off the ground" 6 times (Because sodomizing the "Rule of Three" isn't enough for these writers). We then cut back to school as Lisa tells Bart about what she knows and Bart decides that they need to talk to "Someone's whose been here a long, long time" (Willie?) Cut to Nelson in the woodshop as he is reluctant at first to tell them about bus 23, but after some bad jokes between Lisa and Nelson (And now gum stuck to my chair seems funny in comparison) Nelson decides to tell them (Along with an ominous music cue. Don't try to pretend that this has tension, broken string has more tension than this story). Apparently, Skinner and Chalmers sent the bus over an ice bridge that Skinner objected to at first, but sent off anyways and it never came back (Wow, I'm about as interested in this as I am with the ingredients of bread). Bart and Lisa decide they need to find the ice bridge, cue Homer right next to the school (See how all these broken pieces are fitting so nicely together? You can't? Neither can anyone with a functioning brain).

Down there! Our angry fans. Drop the bombs.

Homer then takes them to where the ice bridge was (Which is no longer there, is that supposed to be a joke or something? Bart implied he thought it was literally made of ice, is this the payoff?) and Lisa falls out of the blimp at a high altitude and notices the bus as she falls towards the river (I'm pretty sure a fall from that distance in a river that shallow would probably kill her, but hey that's what the laws of physics say, what do the laws of lazy writing say?) After she falls into the river (Not a bit of pain at all, oh come on she bellyflopped in, that hurts) she looks inside the bus and sees a bunch of kids. After a drawn-out scene of Homer going to save Lisa (Just a few more minutes, just a few more minutes) Homer's weight causes the bus to tip over and all the kids float to the surface. On the surface it's revealed all the kids are mannequins (...Wait what?). Somehow Lisa and Homer sink beneath them and then the surface is covered with mannequins, preventing them from getting to the surface (Are they dense or just plain retarded? THEY'RE PLASTIC! Just move them a little to the left and you can get up. I especially love how this scene is played for more drama, I wonder just how quickly the false tension will end). After Bart laments he can't help, cue the stupid toy (With triumphant music, WEAK!) as it bumps into a tree SOMEHOW causing it to fall over and allow Homer and Lisa to get to the surface (LAZIEST! RESOLUTION! EVER! Oh but it's alright, now all the shitty subplots have converged and we can end the "Main plot") After Lisa questions why the bus was loaded with fake kids, Otto appears to explain that he accidentally ran the bus off the bridge (Now we get to have further exposition from Skinner and Chalmers. Why do I get the feeling it'll end with the line "And I would have gotten away with it if it we're for you meddling kids!"?)

3 facepalms in three weeks? Thank you for all this material, I truly appreciate it

We cut back to school as Bart shows Skinner and Chalmers he has Skinner's keys (Yes! We get it! The main theme of this episode was keys! Although I appreciate the facepalm from Chalmers). Skinner then decides to exposite to everyone the reason for the room and mannequins (Where's Santa's Little Helper? We need him to make this scene more appropriate) Skinner cashed a grant for the school that got ruined in the wash. To try to protect their asses, they built the phony school room and photographed the mannequins getting a phony education. They had to return the mannequins by a certain time, so they sent Otto with the bus full of them to return them (So that's the resolution, was it worth wasting 20 minutes of our time? How about no?! That was just weak and pathetic). After Lisa tells them the things they didn't count on (You cannot seriously think you're being clever for "Attempting" to bookend this piece of shit, go to hell writers) we cut to an epilogue (Wait, what?! They couldn't possibly be this stupid... could they?) We end it with Otto driving a school bus over a bridge full of kids as the bus slips and falls over (But not without Otto making a bad Inception reference,  just saying Inception does not constitute a joke).

Final Verdict: This episode was stupid, granted it wasn't as bad as the previous two, but it was still rather mediocre. The storylines are jarring and stupid, the attempt to merge them fell flat and was weak, the jokes were terrible and considering one of the subplots was basically a repeated fart joke, that's pretty low. I think what annoyed me most of all was all the paper-thin tension written into this, if you want to have a suspenseful moment, I'm okay with it, but if you want to do that, be sure that the resolution isn't LAZY. If you want to see a good example of multiple storylines that converge and is funny, watch 22 Short Films About Springfield (Heck Trilogy of Error was better than this), if you want to watch something that makes you dumber as you watch it, watch this.

Final Grade: 3.6/10 Yet again, John Frink writes another mediocre, forgettable episode

Episode 14: Angry Dad the Movie

I hate this even before I watch it. You know, it's one thing to try to have a bad episode that builds off a good episode *Cough* Saddlesore Galactica *cough*. It's something entirely different when a bad episode builds off another bad episode *Cough* She Used to be My Girl *Cough* But even if I could look past that, this episode seems to have all the red flags of a bad episode; Numerous cameos, non-existent "satire", implausible plot, written by John Frink, etc. But it's my duty anyways to look closer at why this episode fails, so let's look.

So after a long Itchy and Scratchy cartoon (Okay I'm just going to lay out the unofficial guide to "How to write a successful I&S cartoon". 1. Must be under 30 seconds (This one takes up 1:30) 2. Little to no dialogue from either Itchy or Scratchy, like Tom and Jerry 3. No real story involved, it's basic slapstick humor with death added in. And now you know). Afterwards, Bart decides to stall the plot by preparing for wanton destruction. We then go to Marge to find that the rest of the family is at a frozen yogurt store and have left Bart at home for 23 minutes (Okay stupid question. Why didn't you bring Bart with you? I mean you brought Grampa, why not Bart? Last I checked Bart liked desserts). We then cut back to Bart as he apparently set up this huge elaborate plan involving a physics-defying rope attached to a rotating fan that takes him around the house and Ned's house as well (I guess what the writers wanted me to do is laugh, but I can't help but wonder how he set it all up in less than 30 minutes). We then get the standard "BART!!" scene that is deprived of any actual emotion (On top of that, the direction is terrible: Homer just says something offscreen and Bart has no reaction whatsoever. Who said you need to be talented to work on a TV show?) While the family is cleaning up the house, Mr. Plot Device comes to ask Bart a few questions (I know he has a different name, but screw it, the timing makes him Mr. Plot Device).

Bart, the writing staff is all out of ideas. Mind if we reuse this plot?

After a stupid callback to the Angry Dad webcomic (Which somehow is not as bad as Sonichu. Close but not as bad) Mr. Device explains that when the company went belly-up they took control of all their webcomics (Oh yeah, you gotta love how the year for the company is 1999 despite that being before "Bart" was born and the episode aired in 2002. Who said you need to put thought and time into your writing?). Anyways, the point of Mr. Device's visit is that he wants to make an Angry Dad movie because Hollywood's out of ideas (Gee that sounds vaguely familiar). The act ends on Homer strangling Bart because he made a stupid Roman Polanski joke (Hey I can make these jokes too. Computers will some day rule us all in trivia game shows! Run for your life!)(That day already came! Take cover!).

Mr. Device then shows Bart and Homer the studio that the movie will be made at (I'd comment on the stupid Disney joke, but I'm more interested in the movie posters they glance over. I think they are the most original things in this episode). We then see Homer demonstrate he can move cards around with his ass, as well as drink soda from it to some animators (This is another one of those "You extended it too far" bits where maybe the card thing could have been funny, but they reached for the "Laughs"). Bart is then informed that the previous actor cannot do the voice and is recommended that Homer do the voice (Can we please end this now? Homer acting angry and getting hurt isn't as funny as they think it is)(No! You will enjoy our comedic sociopathy!)

The worst part of all this is that they actually read this script like this and decided to go with it

Later we see the writers and cast (except Homer) at a table read as they read the lines for the movie. You know, they've already done this concept in The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show and it was actually funny; here it just seems like it's giving us the middle finger like "Yeah we actually read this stuff and green-lit it. What are you going to do about it?". After Bart introduces the movie to a test audience (Probably the same test audience of The Simpsons Movie) Mr. Device shows Bart the audience's reaction, and it's about the same reaction I have every time I see a new episode (Actually my guess to who the audience was might not have been that far off). Lisa then give him words of encouragement as she says to cut out all the parts that didn't work and turn it into a short film (Oh, like how this show should do the same and run for about 5 minutes? I'm sorry but these jokes are just too easy)

The audience's reaction to Angry Dad the Movie

Later, Luigi comes to Bart and informs him that his short film has been nominated for a Golden Globe (Too bad we didn't get to see Bart actually edit the film to make it good. Guess it was a good idea not to have that, the writers don't know what would have been the good parts). After a pointless Anthony Hopkins joke (I want to hurt someone) we go to the red carpet as we get bad caricature after bad caricature walking down the carpet. Lisa then sees the creative team of "Mixar" (You know, Family Guy basically killed Randy Newman but The Simpsons can't even use the word Pixar?) and informs them about Bart's film (Which they respond with their own bad Randy Newman stand-in. It's pretty bad when Family Guy is one-upping you in terms of similar jokes two weeks in a row (See brain joke)). After some more Pixar knock-offs (Just stop! Okay, stop! These aren't funny nor charming, they're stupid), we go inside where we begin our celebrity cameo count with Ricky Gervais (Take a shot. Trust me you'll need it). After his long unfunny bit (Seriously we need a Get on with it! clip for that), we get cameo #2 with Russell Brand (Another shot!). Russell then announces the nominations for best animated short (And yet 2 out of the 3 have better pacing than this episode).

Why is it that this is probably the way the staff looks when the win an award?

As you'd expect, Bart wins the Golden Globe, but Homer goes up there to accept it before Bart can (So this is that "Satire" against "different Oscar acceptances where two people clearly race to the stage to get there first"; well, let's see how satirical it is). After Homer gives a stupid speech, we get a montage of Bart and Homer getting multiple awards as Homer gets all the glory while Bart gets the short end of the stick every time (Nothing funny yet). Later, Bart gets a call that Angry Dad received an Oscar nomination and Bart is ecstatic about it, Homer comes in and Bart doesn't tell Homer about it figuring he'll be able to get the award by himself (Still nothing funny nor satirical). At the Academy Awards (Remind me again, how does a shitty webcomic that turns out to be a bomb as a movie get so many award nominations? Oh right, anything is possible when your show is written by a bunch of monkeys). After Bart and Lisa have an interview on the red carpet (Is it just me or does Lisa have one of the creepiest faces with that haircut and expression?) we see Homer and Marge are out doing things irrelevant to the plot (With gang talk that is rivaled by Michael Bay dialogue from Transformers 2).

You shouldn't disturb the writing staff, I think they're onto something

At the award ceremony, they decide that Homer needs to be there so they need to pad out the ceremony (Just like the real award show goes: we must wait for this guy to come so that hilarity can ensue). While the gangsters are driving Homer to the show, we see Halle Berry come to present the award for best animated movie under 40 minutes (Another shot for another shameless cameo) Anyways... jkfds Sorry about that. Anyways, we get to see clips from all the nominations as I feel that watching the Razzies is a better idea at this moment (Hey, at least some of them are so bad it's good). After Homer arrives, we get - here's a shocker - ANOTHER bad "parody" that seemingly takes forever (I want to hurt this so much, but I can never hurt it like it's hurt me). If you're still awake at this point, that means you have more willpower than me, and that's not saying a lot. Anyways, after that test of our endurance (And another pointless cameo. This one from Nick Park. You know the drill by now) we finally see a clip of this "Great" Angry Dad movie and... it's positively awful (What, are Razzies just reshaped and renamed so the winner's feelings aren't hurt?) I would say what a letdown, but expectations are drained out at this point. Halle Berry then announces that Angry Dad won the Oscar which makes Bart ecstatic (Oh yeah I forgot to mention, they play the theme song A LOT during this episode. What did they want to remind us what we're watching so that we don't confuse it for something good?) 

Not since Ctrl+Alt+Del has there been as bad of a webcomic adaptaion

As Homer comes in (With a Bansky reference. I hate the animators now) Bart accepts the award and realizes that it's not just his movie but everyone had a role in it. Homer then joins him on stage as Bart comes to realize that it's silly to have just one person accept an Oscar for a whole team's work. He then decides with Homer to saw the Oscar up and give a chunk to everyone who worked on it. The episode ends with Homer telling Bart that the Oscars are cheap and they'll buy a new one (And the satire of this all is... NONE! There was no satire, nor jokes, nor entertainment, just 30 minutes of pure pain)



Final Verdict: This episode sucks. It's nothing but filler, filler, and more filler with no real plot or jokes to be found. The saitre is nonexistent and just seems like a lazy way to just write their own lives into an episode, the pacing is abysmal, the writing sucks, the plot holes are enormous, the cameos pointless and the story makes no sense and doesn't give us a reason to get invested at all. All in all, it's a waste of the celebrities they got and the concept they had.



Final grade: 1.9/10 Just pain from start to end

"Hate Month" Stealing First Base Followup

We conclude "Hate Month" with a recent episode that our good ol' friend John Frink wrote. It of course was last season and it totally sucked ass. Now we will venture on with our review of this episode...

*kzzzzt*

Where did that text come from?

HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

OH MY GOD IT'S NAVI! RUN!!!!

No, you idiot! It's me, your editor!

I have an editor?!

Yes, you do. And I'm here to remind you that you already DID a review of this episode! You've SAID what's wrong with it!

Oh yeah, I did. But I'm here now to provide FURTHER insight into why I hate this one. I can only write so much before the audience gets bored reading paragraph after paragraph.

.......you have an audience?

HEY! My fans are very loyal, I mean I've got... uh... well what about... uh... well there's always...

Yeah. You have an audience all right. P.S. The above was a runon sentence.

Well, since you're here, you wanna discuss your views on this episode with me? It'll be fun.

Lies. But since I have to stay around anyways to edit and make your posts READABLE, I'll help.

Okay, let's begin then.

Padding:
So let's start off with the padding for this episode?

Yeah, sure. Because I'm not sure how well Kriken's explained how he determines what padding is - padding consists of scenes that contribute nothing to the episode. They are not funny or enjoyable, they do not add to the plot, and they could be cut without any effect on the episode (well, besides making it shorter and a bit more enjoyable, but you understand my point). In fact, padding brings the plot to a screeching halt. As an amateur writer, I can safely say that, if you have to rely on padding, your story clearly isn't strong enough on its own; scrap what you have and start over. So, back on track - how much padding was there?

4 minutes and 45 seconds

.....the average episode, not counting the opening and the credits, is about 19 minutes. That's about a QUARTER of the episode devoted to padding! What the hell, writers!

Well the first piece of padding consists of a topical bit where Homer uses a GPS to take his kids to school. Where do I begin?

1. Why does he need a GPS to take his kids to SCHOOL!?
2. It uses meters instead of feet (For a US user no-less) so we get a bit where Lisa tries to convert it to feet. Why is she converting a short distance (50 m) to feet?
3. The GPS is apparently sentient as it can tell when it's 10 feet off the ground or when it's in water
4. This bit takes up 1 minute and stalls our introduction to the plot.

Personally, I think GPS units are, in fact, sentient and out to kill us, but I digress. We happen to have a GPS unit. If the route is familiar, we don't waste the power or time activating it and programming. In addition, I always considered the Simpsons to be stuck in the 90's; they don't need newer technology. I mean, how old IS their car? Finally, while I am fond of how technology has evolved, the fact of the matter  is WE NEVER SEE THE GPS UNIT AGAIN.

Our next piece of padding (I'm skipping over another piece) involves Homer taking Bart to the movies where they go to see a 3-D Itchy and Scratchy movie with no originality and it causes the plot to vanish entirely.

As per my job as editor, I reviewed the scene. There is literally no transition to this scene, and it could have been much better spent on a actual joke - say, Homer takes Bart to see 'Foxy Boxing', thus keeping Bart's mind on girls. That would be a simple joke, yes, but at least you'd laugh.

The attempts to mock 3-D are terrible, one particular line just makes me want to shove a pair of 3-D glasses up John Frink's ass.

Dude, at least TRY to stay neutral!

*sigh* You're right. Remember the days when the I&S cartoon used to be 20-30 seconds long and usually dealt with the episode itself?(Deep Space Homer comes to mind)

Yeah...heck, even in Cape Feare, where the writers admitted to padding, the Itchy & Scratchy worked - it showed that Bart was anxious, and even his favorite things couldn't cheer him up. In addition (I may be stretching here), the way that Itchy kills Scratchy in his typical over-the-top fashion isn't too different from how Sideshow Bob would want to kill Bart. .....I love that episode. Besides, it had Bob and Bart SINGING together! What more could you want! It- we're off-track. Next padding bit!

Fine *Grumbles* let's talk about the skit. Why was it even in the episode?! I get the whole "What they did was wrong in the eyes of idiots" but the skit went on for way too long and wasn't funny nor necessary to introduce the "No-touch" policy being implemented soon. We could have easily had Chalmers just come on the stage and say; Nobody can touch anyone else or we'll be screwed. Oh yeah, this bit went on for 1 minute and 5 seconds, 1 minute and 5 seconds too long if you ask me.

I concur - no demonstration was needed. In addition, unless I'm mistaken, most schools send letters home if there is a change in policy so that the parents are informed as well - obviously, the writers never went to school.

Okay, my padding bitching is reaching padding territory so I'll just wrap this part up by saying I HATED the "Kissing montage". I have CPR certification and trust me when I say that CPR IS NOT KISSING!!! And even the movie bits they use are just stupid and I find this whole bit irritating. Anything else RBY?

Classroom integration:

I don't think there's anything I can contribute to that. Besides, the less I add, the less padding there is. So, next topic - the legendary 'second classroom' never discussed before this episode?

Well, they could have done a better introduction, but okay. How about the classroom opening bit where it takes way too long to find out what happened to Mrs. K (In comparison to Lisa's Substitute, we get mention of Ms. Hoover's absence almost immediately). But back to the main point, this "Other classroom" is so underdeveloped, you could essentially just have all the students (Other than Nikki) as cardboard cutouts.

Nelson-Blind kid:

The only exception is the blind kid. Honestly, though, I like his relationship with Nelson a lot better than Bart's relationship with Nikki. The blind kid doesn't feel as tacked-on or forced as the actual A plot - I think it would have been a genuinely good A-plot.

You're giving the writers WAY too much credit, but I agree. Nelson and the blind kid were far and away more interesting than Bart's 6th love interest or Lisa's character derailment that some call a plot. I feel that with proper writing, it could have made for a good buddy-pairing. It could have given Nelson some interesting character development outside of bullying. So how about Bart's love interest that we'll call Bipolar Bitch?

Bart-Nikki plot/No-Touch policy:

That's insulting to anyone with a bipolar disorder. But, honestly, there seriously IS something wrong with this character. Even worse, the writers treat her like a normal kid. At least Jessica Lovejoy was acknowledged as a sociopath! ...and, yes, she was a sociopath, but that's beside the point.

That just sickens me because bipolar is nothing to laugh at yet the writers use it for quick unfunny jokes. But let's talk about how they meet, while Bart's reading The Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar (I'm dead serious here) he bashes her Twilight knock-off as being untrue to vampire lore (Yes take literary advice from the kid with a reading level of a 1st grader). Nikki then falls for him and it's contrived love at first sight.

You know what, Twilight sounds perfect for her. Anyways, Bart then asks Grandpa for love advice - Grandpa, who drove his wife away - and he's told to steal a kiss from her. By the way, guys, for future reference - unless we're already dating, doing this will get you seriously injured in so many ways. Back on topic, the next day, we find out Nikki is a great skateboarder. Keep in mind, these two went to the same school - if she did skateboard, Bart should know! If they wanted her to be athletic, they should have given her rollerblades - it would have been equally effective with less fridge logic.

Would make as much sense as if she came to school with scuba gear, but I digress. After they rip off a scene from "Wanted" Bart steals the kiss and it goes about as well as you'd expect with Nikki taking a 180 and overreacting. Of course this leads to our inbred hillbilly of a plot where Nikki's parents overreact even worse than she does.

That's possi-? OH. ......ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Uh... my editor will be back from the mental breakdown in a minute. Anyways, this is just SO stupid and overblown, I'm surprised that nobody was fired for the complete incompetence of this plot. I mean there's satirizing a modern day problem in society, and then there's this; a complete mess of an attempt to satirize our views of young affection. This honestly takes the cake when it comes to unfunny, shitty writing so we'll just move on a little. Nikki takes ANOTHER character 180 and is suddenly in love with Bart again. After Bart and Nikki fight about going public, Bart gets injured and nobody can give him CPR due to the policy. Nikki though gives him CPR (Which is not a kiss thank you very much) and this shitty plot ends with the policy just going away (Seriously, it just goes away, no announcement or anything. No admissions of flaws or apologies from anyone, it just ends) and Nikki giving Bart a good-bye kiss. Up yours writers. Well now that we're done with this I can finally prepare myself for the December...

Wait! Wait wait waaaaait....we forgot about Lisa!

Lisa meeting Michelle Obama:
Oh, you're back. DAMMIT!! Yeah, let's go into that one now *Bites tongue* You want to begin?

...you suck. Anyways, the thing WRONG with this - it's unbelievably unrealistic. Look, I went to school for thirteen years like most kids, and I was a lot like Lisa. I actually enjoyed school, went above the standards for assignments when I could, and never went a quarter without honor roll status. In my whole school career, I only got ONE C on my report card. So, yes, I can identify with Lisa. Why am I mentioning all this? BECAUSE THIS SUBPLOT EPICALLY FAILS! Look, in real life, if you get a bad grade, you get mocked! People will call you stupid! You will not be praised! If you're smart and you get a bad grade, people won't praise you - they will either mock you or ask you how the hell that happened! Befriend you?! HA! Look, this subplot is clearly wish fulfillment on the writer's part - he got a bad grade, was mercilessly mocked, and this is what he WISHED would happen instead!

Thank you for that. That part was stupid, but having THE FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES COME ALL THE WAY TO SPRINGFIELD TO TELL ONE GIRL THAT BEING SMART IS OKAY?! What the hell were the writers smoking?! Did the writers forget that Lisa is a very philosophical girl? Or the fact that Lisa was in MENSA and saw how successful they all were? This is honestly like having Flanders question his faith in God and then having the Pope come visit Springfield to tell him that God loves him. SOMETHING HE ALREADY KNOWS AND PREACHES DAILY!! ...hmm... anything I missed or are we good?

I'm good. And I have readings to finish, so you better be done too.

Looks like we're good. I hope you enjoyed this mini-crossover. I look forward to seeing you all for future posts. And remember, not all writers can be John Swartzwelder, but that doesn't mean we can't bash the bad ones. Or bash the bad episodes like that awful episode parodying reality TV called "The Frying Game"... wait... no. No! NO!!!!!

"Hate Month" All About Lisa

Good God, not this one. We continue our month long segment where I continue to delve into the worst episodes of our good friend John Frink. This episode is notorious among fans as one of the worst episodes of the series and this episode furthered my fear that this show would never be good as long as this writing staff was in place. At the time of its airing, this was considered the worst Lisa episode of all time and considering how many times the writers have screwed her over that's saying a lot. However, today this is NOT the worst Lisa episode in the franchise as there has been another that surpassed this one's suckiness (I'd rather not name it, but you should probably be able to guess which one). With all that out of the way, let's see why it should NOT have been all about Lisa.

So the episode begins with an award show with lines that I think were supposed to be jokes. Inside we get our first bit of narration from Sideshow Mel as he tells us that we should focus in on Lisa after he drops a title placement (Wow, the writers are so creative. For a second I thought this plot would center around Gabo). It is then announced that the winner of "Entertainer of the Year" is Lisa (Wow, must have been a REALLY boring year then. But I digress). So of course, that scene is from the end of the episode so we begin our plot (Over) with a flashback to the family going to Krusty's 4000th episode (You know, there are just WAY too many jokes that this episode lends itself to with "Simpsons going past their expiration date" so I'm just going to keep a counter here and in the end tell you how many jokes I could have made about their crappy episodes). The 4000th episode (Why do I have a feeling that the writers want to get the show to this many episodes?) is then hosted by Drew Carey as he just spews out unfunny joke after unfunny joke (And his cameo is entirely pointless. Remember the days when their cameos made sense? Yeah I'm having a hard time myself). So after a bit with the "Krusketeers" (That joke hurt) Krusty announces that he's going to reboot the "Krusketeers" and the show is searching for a new one (This bit ends with some padding. Hey how nice, the episode is giving me something to lay my head on when I fall asleep from boredom).

Wow, what a great parody, it makes me glad to have watched this show this past decade

The next day, Krusty chooses Nelson (After sleeping with his mom) and this disappoints Bart. Lisa then confronts Krusty and says how it was unfair that Bart was snubbed and Krusty could have hired him as an intern. Krusty then decides to hire Lisa as an intern because... the plot said so? After Krusty gives Lisa a list of chores, she sighs, walks off and SS Mel's narration gives us some annoying exposition. We then cut back to Mel's narration as he narrates about how show business has always had an underpaid assistant (So an assistant of Krusty who's abused by him constantly, becomes famous in their own right? Where have I heard that before? hmmm....) After a bit between Krusty and Lisa, Krusty fires Nelson because... you know what, screw it, their reasoning is stupid. SS Mel then gives Lisa some words of encouragement and he tells her some things to do around Krusty which will put her on good terms with him. After Lisa gives Krusty her necklace thread as floss (Don't ask it's pretty stupid) she gets on his good side. We cut back home where Bart is complaining about how Lisa is Krusty's assistant despite Bart being the bigger fan. Marge then tells Homer to comfort Bart as we see that Bart thinks that now that Lisa has Krusty, he has nothing (Don't worry, you'll still be my favorite drifter).

Oh the irony! His sister is his idol's assistant. You get it, or is this too subtle?

Homer suggests that they get rid of all Bart's Krusty stuff and oddly enough we cut to Homer and Bart selling all Bart's Krusty stuff... Wait what?! Why the hell would Bart agree to this?! I mean he was adamant in burning his Krusty stuff in "Krusty Gets Busted" and this is just way out of character for him to just give Krusty up just because Lisa's his assistant instead of him. I mean could you imagine if Lisa threw her sax out just because there was someone better than her at Jazz? I don't think so! So yeah, at the Comic Book Store, Bart tries to trade his Krusty stuff *Bites Tongue* for an expensive Radioactive Man comic. CBG doesn't like the haggling and counteroffers with a coin collecting book (Yeah I personally hated this concept partially because I don't really care for coin collecting and think it's stupid, but I digress). After CBG takes off his scrunchie (For some reason, I don't know the writers probably thought this was funny or something) Bart and Homer decide to trade for the coin collecting book. We then cut to Krusty as he's impressed about how Lisa cleaned up his dressing room (Wow, that was so necessary. So glad it took up all of 15 seconds!) We then see Bart is disappointed because the hobby takes effort, after Homer gives Bart a pep talk about hobbies killing time (Kill time, alternative to therapy, it's all good) we get a coin collecting montage (Goody, for a second I thought we might have some plot development where Homer tells Bart he enjoys spending time with him or something. But hey, I'm not the highly paid Hollywood writer, what do I know?).

Glad to see this false development appear.

After Bart thinks he's finished the book (With a lot of rare coins... how did he get a confederate dime by the way?) another page reveals itself as the writers realized that the plot couldn't possibly end there (Seriously, this "hidden page" just seems like a cop-out to try to extend an already pointless plot). The coin they're missing turns out to be a rare "Kissing Lincolns" penny (Get it, because the mint somehow printed two pictures of Lincoln to face each other and make it look like they're kissing. Oh the creativity, it never ceases to amaze me just how low they can go). We then cut back to Krusty as his bit gets stalled because Mr. Teeny isn't there. Lisa bails him out by acting as a pirate and squirting Krusty into the pool with a bottle of seltzer water. We then get a bit of narration as the camera pans around Lisa, giving the audience motion sickness and showing Lisa getting high off the laughter (You want a better explanation, because that's what it looks like). After Krusty's agent tries to warn him about Lisa, Krusty gets a call that he's missing a rehearsal for the network and then it dawns on Krusty that Lisa's trying to sabotage him (Wow, ONE time and Lisa already thinks she can take the show from him. That's a lot of arrogance). At the studio, Lisa tries to drop subtle hints that the executives should try her out, right as they're about to leave she changes demeanor and decides to try her own funny bit (Let's see the comedic genius of the writers, er I mean Lisa Simpson).

Great, Lisa's stoned again. Can the director tell Lisa she's facing the wrong way?! The audience is BEHIND her!

Krusty then barges in as we see Lisa (In her ridiculous clown outfit by the way, seriously, what was the director thinking?) telling a "Centipede putting on shoes" joke (Wow, that joke hasn't been told a million times in preschool).  After Lindsey Nagel contradicts what I said, Krusty sees his agent become Lisa's agent as Krusty realizes he's ruined now (No, you were ruined YEARS ago, it's just now people are catching on). The act ends with SS Mel narrating some more about Krusty learning a lesson as we see Moe is immune to his time stopping powers. You know, I realize we are 15 minutes in and there hasn't been any real humor, so enjoy this clip while I go prepare myself for the rest of this. Okay, so we find out that show's been renamed "The Lisa Show" and the show is essentially "Clown Lisa" (I couldn't make this up if I tried, and somehow this outfit is sillier than the previous one) just entertaining the audience with comedy (I can see the ratings now. The first time in history that the ratings are comparable to the host's shoe size). Lisa then approaches SS Mel as Mel transitions from narrating to external dialogue (Watch out Linkara! He's going to knock down the 4th wall you're on) and Lisa goes back out to pad the episode some more (Hey I got just the song for padding, it goes like this: 'Dundun dudundundun! EAT IT EPISODE! Take this stupid little cockroach of an episode, roll it up so tight, and RAM IT UP YOUR-' *Is given tranquilizers by RBY*) I'm better now, let's move on. Through SS Mel's narration, we find out that Krusty is hosting an unsuccessful late night talk show (So this is what Leno's comeback was like). After a scene of Homer and Bart going through some pennies to find the one they're missing, Homer takes Bart to an auction to buy the penny (Why? They saw how rare it was online, what are they expecting the penny to cost $5?) At the auction, Mr. Burns wins the penny but Homer tricks Burns later and takes the penny away from him (Just roll with it, at this point I'm too desensitized by the shear stupidity of this episode to make a joke about this).

Wow, we just wasted 5 minutes of a 20 minute episode. Let's go out for some Frosty chocolate milkshakes to clebrate

After Homer puts the penny in the book, Bart puts the book on the shelf where it's never to be seen again. This makes that entire subplot; *Entirely Pointless*. This also shows just how NOT to end a plot, with no care and no effort whatsoever. We then transition to the beginning of the episode through some SS Mel narrating as Mel approaches Lisa in her dressing room to show her something (No, not that!) Mel then shows Lisa all the previous winners of the award as this is to show that all of them let the award get to their head and they all went on a downward spiral in their career. SS Mel then reveals that he too won the award and advises her to get out of showbusiness as soon as possible. Lisa then gets back to the podium as she sets up Krusty for some jokes and she disappears away with her family as Krusty gets all the attention. The episode ends with a narration from SS Mel saying how he envies Lisa for leaving with her dignity as we see him as a fire hydrant in a skit with Krusty as a dog, classy.

Final verdict: This episode is TERRIBLE. The jokes are non-existent, the main plot is recycled and poorly written with the pacing being erratic. The subplot is terrible and pointless. And the padding is everywhere with nothing to convince the audience to want to watch this episode again, in short, it's unfunny and boring. And for my final count of "Showbusiness jokes with this show" it came out to 13.

Final Grade: 1.6/10 Just unwatchable, plain and simple

"Hate Month" Stop or My Dog Will Shoot

I'm back for this review. You all thought "Bart Mangled Banner" broke me didn't you? You thought I would cancel this entire theme month completely. You thought wrong, while it's true I did go to my corner and cry a little after the episode, it was nothing booze couldn't fix. Now I'm going to tear apart another horrible episode from John Frink and take out lingering frustrations from the previous episode now. Okay rant over (I'm sorry but that episode was SO HORRIBLE, I'm still shocked it was eve made) let's review this mediocre episode.

So we begin the episode with an unfunny Oktoberfest joke involving Homer losing his beer (Can I have it? I'll be needing it). So after some padding (Ah yes, thank you writers, these episodes are way too compelling for us to enjoy already) we see Marge go over to a Cornucopia contest where she sees the winner dragged off behind the barn after finding out he cheated (While I do find the whole "Killing the cheater" bit funny, it's undercut by the music selection at the beginning of the scene. The same score used in "Bart Vs. Thanksgiving" when Lisa brings her tablepiece to the table. Good job writers, good job). After more padding (I'm not beginning a count here) Homer accidentally takes the family into a corn maze where they get lost immediately. After some more padding (This episode would make a very comfy pillow for your loved ones) Marge suggests that they split up to get out.

With a-maize-ing writing like this, who needs jokes?

Homer being rock stupid has his bipolar moment as he runs off further into the maze. We then see Homer angry about being stuck in the maze as he tries to get out but is shocked when he tries to run through the corn (This is a genuinely funny visual gag, but it's undercut by a gag within the joke and an utterly stupid line. Thanks for giving false hope episode). We then see the family's gotten out by Lisa using an algorithm (Um, how? Ah screw it Bart setting the corn on fire made me chuckle a bit. Let's see how long that lasts). We cut to nightfall as we see that Homer's still stuck in the maze and he's essentially screwed. Help is on the way as the police come with their rescue dog, but that backfires as the dog gave birth earlier that day and this causes Wiggum to forget all about Homer (Why did the police not know about the pregnancy until now? Oh yeah, this police force is about as effective as the French war flag *Heyo!*) Bart's not concerned as he calls for Santa's Little Helper and we see him escape from the car through the worn out floor (I'm not going to go into why a dog was left alone in a car on what I can assume was a hot day). Bart tells SLH to find Homer but he can't until Lisa finds a sports bra in Homer's backpack for SLH to smell... I'm just going to let that sit with you for a moment, moment over. We then get to watch SLH go through the maze in a scene which I'm reluctant to call DOOM: The Maze. SLH finds Homer and brings him out of it. Lou then praises SLH's tracking abilities and Wiggum asks Bart if he wants his dog to join the force, Bart asks Homer and Homer says he can.

Watch out for the Mars demons to your right

Our next scene starts off with a statue of a dog dressed as a police officer riding a horse outside of the "Spirngfield Animal Police Academy" (I'm not sure what to say about the statue, but I will admit I've never seen any of the Police Academy movies, so references to them will go over my head). After Bart has a pointless dream sequence (Which involves SLH being Robocop, I'm starting to believe the writers just thought they could add any police movie reference and we'd accept it) we get a pointless scene of Wiggum being incompetent (Wow, something we've never seen before. Truly this is the work of creative writing). After a semi-montage of SLH and others training, we see them all graduate and SLH is assigned to Lou (Oh yeah apparently dolphins can become police animals, I'll get into this a bit later when it comes back up). Lou and SLH get called in for a domestic disturbance as we find out that Brandine is shooting at Cletus for giving a pig more attention than her. When they get there, a bullet ricochets off the tub Cletus is hiding under and it hits SLH. Lou calls for backup and we see that the dolphin comes along in a tank (Okay, now is the time. What is the point of the dolphin?! Did they honestly think it was funny?! I mean it's just so retarded and pointless. If they were going for a funny animal to dress up, here's an idea; How about a fucking bear?! Makes just about as much sense).

Oh it's so funny because it's a dolphin. And dolphins can't walk, right? Right?!

After that, Bart decides to pay more attention to Snowball II, this goes over about as well as you'd think. After Bart tells Lisa what we've all figured out by now (And for those of you who haven't; Bart misses SLH) we see SLH and Lou in a cop bar where SLH is experiencing some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the shot he took and he just shakes it off with some beer (How classy, make fun of a real condition that plagues thousands of people and causes them to loose sleep at night. I know people who've served in wars and PTSD is nothing to mock or even try to bring up in a non-serious manner. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm nitpicking here, but this is personal and I can't believe they even wrote SLH getting shot in the first place). Moving on, we see Snake selling steroids to the bullies as Lou and SLH bust them for illegal drug trafficking (I think *Goes to check my lawbook*). SLH chases after Snake as he catches him in probably the most ludicrous way possible (Oh yeah, SLH getting shot never comes back into the story so I guess my rant about their insensitivity did have merit as it was pointless). Later we see Snake in court as he's let go because the police report was filed by SLH and it's all messed up (Wait, why did the police department let a DOG fill out a police report? Are the writers high?) After Snakes mocks SLH (And admits out loud he's going to go sell more drugs... Why isn't he charged on the spot?) Lou drives SLH back home where SLH lets out his frustrations from Snake on Bart by biting him.

We ran out of jokes, so we just decided to throw a copy of the script in.

Later Wiggum tells the family not to worry about SLH because the life of a cop is tough (Yeah this coming from the most incompetent cop in the world. Can we get a second opinion here?) After Marge suggests that they let SLH live somewhere else Bart says no and tries to prove that SLH is still normal, but it fails. SLH goes to Lou's to try to live better, we then get a "hilarious" bit with a woman who tries to set SLH up with a poodle (...I've got nothing, the scene speaks for itself). Later, Marge and Homer take Bart to a pet store to get him a new pet as Bart doesn't want to at first but changes his mind when he sees a python and "Wise-Guy" decides to sell him a python that is wrapped up like a firehose and is cut using a paper cutter guillotine (I'm just going to put my face in this pillow, trying not to smother myself as tempting as it sounds *Puts face in pillow*) Do I even need to say anything about that or does it sound stupid enough without a visual? Moving on, we see the family eating dinner as Bart has his snake with him at the table and he decides to name it "Strangles". Bart tricks Lisa into touching slime on Strangles as Homer strangles Bart for that and Strangles chokes Homer to defend Bart (Any humor gets undercut by Homer's pathetic lines, why is it so hard for the writers to understand this?) The next day we see that Bart brings Strangles to Show-and-Tell as Strangles ate Martin's rabbit causing Mrs. Krabappel to be as unfunny as possible with a bad play-on-words. Martin announces that Strangles escaped as we find out that the school has an alarm for escaped pets (This seems funny on paper, but visually, it gets nothing).

It seems like even the snake enjoys chewing out the scenery

Of course this gets the attention of the police force as Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and SLH all show up at the school to help get the snake (Christ, not even the fire department gets to a school this fast when the fire alarm is pulled and we're expected to believe that THIS police force got there that quickly. I'm just going to classify this scene under "Inept writing") After an emotional scene where we see that SLH misses Bart (And yet again undercut by unfunny dialogue to follow. You know, this episode wouldn't half as bad if about 4 minutes of it was cut out completely) we get a scene of Strangles mistaking a computer mouse for a real one (...What?) as he knocks over two chemicals that create a noxious gas. The police continue bickering until the gas approaches them and they just stand there screaming (This is the inept police force we all know). After Skinner finds out Bart's missing, SLH goes into the school to rescue him. After Bart runs into the gas cloud (How did he not see that? No seriously, how? He runs right into it) Bart then wakes up and finds out that Strangles and SLH saved him. Bart has to decide which one will save him and he decides on SLH, after getting out Bart throws the Frisbee with SLH and Willie takes the snake as his own.

Final Verdict: This episode is underwhelming and boring. There's more padding than a mattress, the jokes are either non-existent or just not funny and the plot is rather uninteresting. This episode seemed nothing more than an unfocused attempt to parody several cop movies while having a phoned in B plot involving Bart with a new pet. It's not something that will cause you to jab your eyes out, but it's a below average episode that's very forgettable.

Final Grade: 3.8/10 Just so uninteresting

"Hate Month" Bart-Mangled Banner

Hello and welcome to the newest part of this blog "Hate Month". This is a segment where I take the worst writers of the show and review their worst episodes to the series for you all to see why I dislike them. The first victim of this new segment and where better to begin than his first solo episode. Yeah he produced some crap when he was teamed up with Don Payne, but I thought some of those episodes were bearable and it wasn't until he went solo that his crap became more prevalent. With all that out of the way let's dig in.

The episode begins with the family in the car with the kids all eating ice cream, and the parents giving the kids all kittens (Gee I wonder if this is all a ploy to prep them for something bad). After Lisa and Bart realize it's too good to be true, we see Homer lock the doors and pull up to Dr Hibbert's office for their shots. After Hibbert carelessly plays with some needles (Professional doctor everyone) Bart uses one of those medical skeletons to try to protect himself (Wait a minute, he was cowering on the table just a minute ago, now there's a skeleton that's right in front of Dr. Hibbert, what the hell's going on with continuity?) After Lisa proves her "bravery" (Dude, as a kid, you cry before the needle, not after. It doesn't hurt after you get it, it's scarier before) Dr. Hibbert tries to give Bart his shot (Including an unfunny "Children's Cemetery". You're really stretching for a joke there writers) Bart reveals he already stole some lollipops. This causes Dr. Hibbert to try to stick him with multiple needles (Yet again, our professional doctor people). After Bart escapes (And drives away... what?) Hibbert decides to cancel all his appointments to chase him, this results in a montage of Dr. Hibbert failing to give Bart his immunization (No shitty episode is complete without one). Afterwards, Bart finds a dejected "Dr. Hibbert" and lowers his guard, then the real Dr. Hibbert comes out from behind a tree (Cartoonishly) and gives Bart his shot.

Ah yes, the writers took a class on Physics from the "Bugs Bunny University"

After Bart gets the shot, he loses his hearing and Dr. Hibbert finds out the shot caused his earhole to swell up and close up (Yeah the writers could care less if it's medically feasible or not, we need this as our plot device). Dr. Hibbert explains that Bart's hearing will come back in a day and fools Homer into signing a malpractice waver. After two pointless scenes, we cut to the family eating dinner as Marge tells Bart to stay home from school. Bart objects because tomorrow's the big "Teacher-student donkey basketball game" (Yeah they meant to add this in an earlier episode but had to cut it. It's a shame, because it would have done much better in that episode, why? THAT EPISODE DIDN'T SUCK!) At the game, it seems like everyone in Springfield was invited and they all laugh at the teachers as they ride the donkeys (The teachers and the writers both lost their dignity with this episode).

I don't think Bart had much respect for America before he "Mooned" the flag

As the national anthem is being played, Bart taunts a donkey and this results in the donkey ripping off his shorts and Bart accidentally moons the U.S. flag.... Okay a few things I want to say.
1. Bart wasn't even respecting the flag when the anthem was playing, I don't care how "bad" you are, you always respect your flag and respect the national anthem when it plays
2. Why was Bat even taunting the donkey? It's never explained why he decides to do this
3. Why was he so close to the flag that he would be able to moon it like that?
4. He seems to be on the basketball team for this event yet NOBODY from his team grabbed him to show respect for the anthem?

This is beyond retarded, this is contrived and shitty writing across the board. So because Martin's the photographer (Uh where did this come from?) he takes a picture of Bart mooning the flag (Um... why?) Everyone then notices Bart mooning the flag (Um he was right in front of it, what were you all staring at your SHOES when the anthem was playing?) and they rightfully boo and heckle him for insulting the flag. The next day, Skinner scolds Homer and Marge for Bart's behavior (And lampshades about how Vietnam was the U.S.'s only losing war (To date) I hate this writing). Marge tries to defend Bart, but Skinner wont have it. After a follow up to a pointless scene (Which involves lampshading about the bullies being "Complex" characters. I don't think so I say it's shitty writing) we cut to the Springfield Shopper where they oh so subtly blow the story out of proportion... yeah just loudly announce that this is a shitty satire of the U.S. media, I hate you John. So we see that this makes the front page (I hate this episode with a passion) and everyone in Springfield hates the family for being "Unpatriotic" and supporting Bart's antics (Is it too late to back out of this theme month?) After a pointless scene at Moe's Bar (I'm not starting a "Pointless Scene" counter, I don't have a counter that goes to 4 digits) the family's asked to go on a show to tell "Their" side of the story (Great this is now trying to suck off the success of Homer Badman).

It's funny because the media blows things out of proportion right? I mean it's clever satire right? LAUGH DAMN IT!!

After Homer tells Bart to say he doesn't hate America, they go on the talk show where the host (Nash) tries to make Bart out like the son of Bin Laden (Pills, I need pills). After Bart tries to be sympathetic, Nash becomes an asshole and skews Bart's words to make it sound like he hates Jesus as well. Marge then slips by saying she hates talk-show hosts like Nash, but it sounds like she admits she hates America. Dear God how far are we in this? *11:30* THERE'S STILL 10 MINUTES OF THIS SHIT LEFT?! There's not enough booze in the world to make this episode okay. So after Nash makes the incorrect correlation that Springfield hates America (Maybe if I cut myself, I can use medical leave as an excuse not to finish this) we see that America denounces Springfield from the U.S. and radical Muslims love Springfield and the Simpsons in particular (You know, the purpose of satire is to point out glaring flaws through ridicule and irony. This episode does neither).

Seems like the most appropriate reaction to me if you're called unpatriotic

Because of all this backlash, Mayor Quimby changes the name of the town to "Libertyville" and the town will be as patriotic as possible (Wow, even the overreactions aren't funny, YOU FAIL JOHN FRINK! YOU FAIL!!) After some more scenes of people going overboard (And Marge lampshading this because the writers think we can't figure this out ourselves) we see Lovejoy telling the pastors to worship the American flag (I HATE THIS EPISODE!!! Sure why not, break the 1st Commandment just so people think you love America, I hope you enjoy eternal damnation) Lisa then decides that enough's enough and decides to tell everyone about her opinions (Wait just a minute *grabs my PSP* you may proceed). Lisa tells them all that Congress cannot create a law oppressing freedom of speech or of the press and that's from the Constitution (Oh, well that does make a lot of sense, maybe after listening to that, the people of Springfield might...) Oh wait SWAT comes in and arrests the Simpsons for violating the "Government Knows Best Act"... FUCK THIS EPISODE!!!!! Yeah what a "subtle" change to the "Patriot Act", none of us could spot that for miles, fucking geniuses. And you know, people don't get arrested for simply reciting the constitution. I hate this "Satire" the writers may as well of just lied naked on the White House lawn with letters on their chests spelling out "We hate George Bush" and that would have been funnier.

You're under arrest for shitty writing and horrible satire

*Sigh* Moving on, the family all gets put together in a jail cell in a jail er I mean "Reeducation Center" where we find out that anyone who opposes Bush is placed in jail with them (Wow, unfunny and insensitive, you've reached a new low Simpsons). We then cut to the family in a room (Subtly named the "Ronald Regan Reeducation Room", bet you wouldn't know this was created when the Republicans owned DC would you?) where the family's shown a reject Schoolhouse Rock cartoon where it implies that The Bill of Rights was an accident and should never have been made (Oh great, now the writers are implying that Republicans are Facists, I hate this episode). After Marge lampshades that Lisa's out of character for laughing at it, Lisa explains that she's turned to their side (I'm going to get a thesaurus to find all the synonyms of hate so I can express how I feel about this episode). The family then meets a crazy guy (Who's a Democrat... subtle) and he tells them how to escape (So why did he never use this method?) At the talent show, the family's all dressed up in flag clothing that would embarrass Rush Limbaugh as the guy tells them to escape through a tunnel after their bit. When they get up, their act consists of them singing "O' Beautiful" and then breaking into their own patriotic song (You know, O' Beautiful used to have meaning to me, now I have to wash away this episode for me to appreciate it again).

We're the Simpsons. In America

So after each kid escapes through the tunnel, Homer and Marge walk off last and tell the guards to hold still (Sure why not, fuck it the episode's almost done). As they get out of the tunnel, we find out that the prison was Alcatraz... I'm pretty damn sure Alcatraz is now a museum and hasn't been functional for years you twats.  After the family almost makes it to San Fransisco (Um how? The reason nobody escaped Alcatraz is because of the strong currents, oh forget it, it's not the biggest plot hole) they are rescued by a French liner who accepts them and takes them back to France. We then see the family in Paris as they've all developed a hokie French accent and apparently are rich enough to live in Paris (Um, how?) Marge admits she misses not living in the U.S. and Homer comes up with the idea of them all going to America as immigrants without IDs. We then see the family in tattered garb as they are on a boat from the 30's and are assigned the last name of "Simps". The episode ends with the family joyful at the prospect of living a new life in America as a song transitions us to the credits.

Final Verdict: This episode is terrible. The satire is horrible, the jokes are non-existent or try too hard to be funny and end up falling flat on their face. The writing is horrible and there's nothing interesting in this episode for a fan to want to watch this episode. All together, this "satire" of the Patriot Act fails and just frustrates anyone who watches it.

Final Grade: 1.2/10 Just disgusting. Well we're off to a bad start for this month, hope to see you all next week.