"Hate Month" Moms I'd Like to Forget

Black: Kriken
Purple: RBY

Before I even start this discussion with RBY, I want to say one thing about the title. Yes I get the joke put in there (MILF) no it's not funny. Whether that was intentional or not (Although given it's Brian Kelley who wrote this) it's rather stupid and doesn't make this any less shitty.

Look, can we finish this. I want my cat back!

Fine, how about the first dream sequence. It just seemed to go on and on with no real purpose other than "Bart wins"

Oh, there was purpose: padding. Not only were there two dream sequences (both of which were amazingly long), but also the theme song was amazingly long (a minute and a half). In the past, commentaries have mentioned that they use a longer version of the theme song and a longer couch gag when there's not enough material for the required 23 minutes.

Yeah, but a 1 and a half minute opening sequence is now the norm. So Bart knocks out unknown fifth grader and apparently gravity doesn't exist when the writers don't want it there. Your thoughts?

That, or physics in general. I'm pretty sure if the ball was able to rebound that high, that fifth-grader would have a serious bruise. In the time it took for it to come down, more than a few things happened, after all - interviews, t-shirt, the Gatorade moment....as a sidenote, Kriken, does Kelley ship Nelson/Edna?

... You're just trying to torture me now aren't you?

You stole my cat and made me watch this crap. If anything, I'm just trying to get even.

You'll see him soon enough. Anyways, onto what the writers call a plot lead-in. Only positive thing I could think of was the teacher's room brawl. At first it was funny, but after Skinner's role, it really wore itself thin. On a side, nice of the writing staff to remind us that one of their own gave us Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Not their wisest move. I have a question though. After the revelation of the twin scars (which are somehow EXACTLY the same), do the fourth-graders and fifth-graders ever resolve their differences?

Tsk tsk tsk, you're expecting competency from this writing staff RBY. Of course, the first act is ENTIRELY pointless to the rest of the episode. You could have literally put in a scene of Bart running into that guy and they both notice their scars and it would have worked just as well.

It's sad when the fanfic writer and the amateur reviewer can see the plot holes and figure out a better substitute than the professional writers.

Sad but true, anyways onto what we should be caring about. Betcha you didn't know that photo albums were meant to be kept in bathrooms? Did you?

Oh, yes, right next to my copy of War and Peace and underneath my disco ball. Doesn't everyone? ...Well, point is, they manage to ruin a lot of moments we're meant to take seriously through 'jokes'. Another good example would be the 'bad influence' jokes. I'd say it was so over-the-top, it was funny, but 'funny' isn't the word I'm looking for.

Agreed, but one thing I want to note now that was a common theme throughout Marge's subplot: Every time we saw Marge with her friends (Names unknown) they were always sitting. They would sit and talk, sit and have their nails done, sit and drink wine, sit and eat, etc. They couldn't possibly have them play croquet, walk along a neighborhood, or do something exciting at all.

None of the characters introduced here were named - one was name-dropped (Anita), but we don't even know which one Anita was. I know that, given the circumstances here, trying to give the names could feel shoehorned, but it would've given SOMETHING, seeing as none of the characters had anything memorable about them.

I sorta disagree, Marge could have easily introduced Bart to the mothers in the photo album scene seeing as how he seemed to forget that portion of his life. But I digress, moving on. There was only one character I actually liked; the father that hated Homer's antics was quite possibly the best character in a while, only because he didn't take any of Homer's forced 'comedy'.

He could be the next Frank Grimes (except, y'know, alive)! Now, moving on, what follows is a lot of conversation between the families as they catch up (speaking of which, who's taking care of Lisa and Maggie?). Now, I can see why Homer and Bart don't like hanging out with the families, and then I can see why Homer doesn't like Marge hanging out (she keeps him up late). And then Bart decides he'll make Marge stop seeing the others - wait, what?

Because the boys dared Bart to stuff remotes in his mouth... at home... where they can't see it happen...

Ignoring that, he can just stop seeing them. The closest explanation I think we get for trying to split up the mothers is 'but you don't act like yourself! You're happy!' (paraphrased).

Material for dethroning moments of suck ladies and gentlemen.

It doesn't help that, in a sense, they've done this premise before. For those who have never seen 'Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield', let me try to sum it up: Marge makes new friends at a country club, but the rest of the family doesn't fit in. However, rather than let Marge be unhappy, they're willing to go along with it, even as she starts acting meaner to her family. Compare to Bart's behavior in this episode, in which he's actively seeking to sabotage her relationship for no particular reason.

You're comparing season 7 to season 22, that's like comparing a gold brick to roadkill. Anyways, per quota, Comic Book Guy is shoehorned into this to explain to Bart how he got his scar so this episode could be wrapped up.

On the other hand, they at least tried to justify his appearance (easy to blackmail, had a reason to know the details of the event). The story's pretty unlikely, and the animation - well, let's put it like this: there's 'miscoloring Lisa's pearls' and then there's 'forgetting he's in front of a PROJECTOR'. Guess which one's far less excusable?

Miscoloring is 'bad editing', the projector error is 'not giving a fuck'. People who've read my original review know how I feel about the backstory, so I won't talk about it again. All I have to end on is the stupid as all hell breaking up scene between Marge and the moms. Two things: one, grow up Brian Kelley; two, would it have been so hard to animate a scene of what happened after the fireworks to show us why Marge split from the group?

I guess so. This scene kinda reinforces my view that Brian Kelley has some problems with women. I just don't see how the hell he's been allowed to write five whole episodes!

And now we're done. We'll never speak of Brian Kelley again, here's your cat and I'll see you again later.

*hugs Damien* .....hey, wait. We did four episodes; I mentioned there's five. Any reason we skipped over his worst?

All in due time RBY, all in due time...

"Hate Month" Postcards From the Wedge

Black: Kriken
Purple: RBY


Oh great another Brian Kelley episode, I'm beginning to regret choosing him for this theme. But fortunately I have RBY here to suffer with me. How's it going RBY?

Kill me. Kill me now. Or at least knock me out.

We had a deal, you can have your cat back at the end of this.

I hate you soooo much....just, let's get this done, I want lil' Damien back!

Just one more week (I pray), so any positives you can think about for this one?

Well....they gave us this very excellent line that sums up the episode: "Well, that concludes...I don't really know what that was."

That more or less sums up the past few seasons. So onto the actual episode. I want to first talk about the role-reversal, it's an okay plot (albeit overused) but this episodes manages to screw it up so much.

I know. They've done it before in episodes such as 'The Itchy and Scratchy Movie', where Homer ends up being the strict one and Marge wants to be lenient. The thing is, it's explained there: Homer had finally lost his temper because Bart had nearly hurt Maggie, and Marge became lenient because she felt Bart had learned his lesson. Here, there's no explanation...is there?

Nope, just Homer happens to get the letter first, screams like an idiot (I'll get to that later) and then Marge thinks that a MONTH's worth of homework is too much for him despite his laziness allowing that.

Being the nerd I am, I only have to say Bart's got no real excuses. It's actually rather annoying, though, in that Bart usually shows no signs in keeping up. He may fail with his grades, but falling behind THAT much? He'll at least get Marge to help with the bigger projects or do it the night before. It's just how he does it.

Agreed, he might be lazy and stupid, but he's never sunk to this level before. Before we continue, thoughts on the Pokemon joke?

Everyone's done it years before. The only pokemon joke in recent times outside of amateur-produced (i.e. unpaid) Internet material is a Foxtrot comic, based on the new generation, which makes sense because Jason's a known fan. Here, the joke, 'How do they stay so fresh', is more applicable to The Simpsons.

I swore it was almost like a middle finger to anyone who has watched it before season 10. But back on track, something I didn't think of before: Bart tells Lisa about how he plans on turning Marge and Homer against each other, and at no point does she ever tell them about Bart's plan. Was she expecting to gain something from this?

Considering her only response is to call Bart a sociopath for threatening their parents' marriage, don't think so. That part also really bugs me - aside from the fact no one under the age of 18 can be diagnosed with sociopathy/psychopathy, one of the most defining traits of the sociopath is a lack of conscience and empathy for others. Even in Bart's meanest moments, he's demonstrated that, at his worst, he's just Dennis the Menace.

Normally I wouldn't have a problem with something like Lisa calling him names, however, she says it with such a serious tone and it seems like she's convinced that she is. I thought she was the smart one.

You know what's actually a bit scary? Her knowledge of Bart's plan with her apathy towards his actions. Unlike Bart who, like most kids, just wants to avoid doing his homework, the only thing Lisa would have to gain is her parents divorcing. Guess who comes off more like a sociopath in this scenario?

Hypocrite, no wonder she never told Marge or Homer about Bart's plans.

To add insult to injury, I consider her to be one of my favorite characters.

Same here, anyways, is it just me or in between 'Bart struggles in school' to 'Homer and Marge make up' there's very little to no substance, it's more or less 8 minutes of Homer and Marge yelling and acting angry while Bart laughs in the background. It gets very annoying and is very forgettable.

Really, it reeks of the modern-day Simpsons padding that we ought to be used to by now. I'd say we should discuss it, but there's pretty much nothing TO say. If I may, this is probably Kelley's best episode, if only for the fact that the plot is vaguely similar to past plots.

I'm not so sure about best (Or even least-worst) but so far it's a tossup between this and the history tour from last week. However, the history tour had some moments within some stories that...

You're getting off-track there. Anyways, yeah, I could argue this as his least-worst with astonishing ease. Lisa's presence (who he cannot write to save his life) is minimal, and only one of those scenes was bad. In addition, there are only two sex-based jokes, and, honestly, the second one at least fits into the story.

I'm going to disagree on the sex-based joke, to me it was padding, yes Marge and Homer made up, but the purpose of that scene? Brian Kelley again felt the need to thrust his wet dreams onto us. So at that point in the episode, wouldn't you agree the story was basically over and the last 8 minutes felt like unfocused padding.

That, I will agree with. If the episode had ended after the two made up, I don't think anything would have been lost. Honestly, this episode lacks anything so spectacularly awful that it warrants a closer look. The sociopath thing was bad, yeah, but those who don't look into the disorder won't see it as that offensive to their intelligence.

Is it just me or is this conversation starting to resemble the episode? Eh maybe it's just me. Anyways, because Bart can't get his parents to fight anymore (Why was he continuing it now?) he and Milhouse just happen to find an underground subway system and it somehow causes mild tremors whenever they use it. It just felt out of place and a lazy way to try to end this episode.

It doesn't even make sense for Springfield, a self-proclaimed small town, to HAVE a subway system. If they just wanted to get Bart in trouble, there were so many other ways to do it. You saw he had bottle rockets in his backpack - from personal experience, Kriken and I know what those are capable of!

You're still not letting that go are you? I love just how lazy the director was here, the tremors clearly happen during the afternoon, and yet when a tremor hits the Simpsons residence (And Bart gets back home) it's nighttime, great to know that their resources are going to things like bigger animation studios and better sound quality when something that takes all of 5 seconds to notice slips through (Including Lisa's red necklace).

It's also worth noting that, just a few minutes after the tremors end, Bart walks in. Just where was he let off at? We've seen aerial overviews of the neighborhood, and there's no reasonable idea where a subway entrance would be.

At this point, RBY and I are pointing out flaws, there is no true narrative structure for the last act. So, Bart and Nelson swing on swings (Which apparently can hang from space) purely for Nelson to be the shoulder devil and to pretend that Lisa (Who is also on a magic swing) knows what's going on and could stop Bart. Even a 7 year old who eats lead paint could figure out how much of a red herring this scene is.

Considering her inaction before and the fact that Bart just wants attention - was anyone genuinely misled? Seriously, DID anyone think Lisa tried tipping off Homer and Marge?

Do people who think that think that gullible is not in the dictionary count?

No

Then I guess nobody. I could go into detail about how the ending sucked, but let's get to the final scene. Lisa tells Bart that she found out about what he did and decides not to tell Marge and Homer so that they think that he's bad. Aw, what an emotionless scene that might've made us care had this been written well.

As I said, it's ALMOST similar to past, decent episodes. However, thanks to pointless derailment, a lack of humor and motivation, and padding, it falls short of even being mediocre.

And yet this could be argued as his best: less than mediocre. *Sigh* Final thoughts RBY? I just gotta say this was painful, boring and insulting.

Iiiiii have nothing else to add. Except GIMME MY CAT BACK!


Next week RBY, just one more week to go.

"Hate Month" Margical History Tour

Kriken: Black
RBY: Purple
So yeah, another Brian Kelley episode. I'll admit I didn't remember this one being God-awful and thinking this was his best one. In reality, it could be argued that this is his least horrible work and that's as good of a compliment I'll ever give this guy.


And yet this would fit in just fine with the later episodes of the show, if you catch my drift.

Oh hi RBY, I see you got my message, clearly he was ahead of his time.

That sounds about right. So, let's skip the imprisoning/idle chatter/whatever, just get this over with. What are we starting with?

Well I'd assume the first segment, in my opinion, the framing device isn't worth talking about.

There's not much that can be said about it, I guess - it's too bland to really pick out anything to harp on (except the treatment of that one book, but I speak as a mild bibliophile). So, we're starting off with King Henry VIII, then. 

Well I feel that the King Henry segment more or less helps support my theory about Brian Kelley's sense of humor and how he always feels the need to insert meaningless sex jokes that aren't funny. Case in point, the opening scene where King Henry announces to the royal court that he just screwed his wife.

Keeping in mind the era, where open talk of sex was essentially forbidden, it's a bit jarring. Even more irksome, though, is the scene where Homer makes a sex joke and then has Wiggum explain it. 

Ah yes, the "Modern Simpsons School of Comedy"

1. Write an unfunny joke
2. Explain said joke
3. ???????
4. PROFIT!

See, it's funny because we referenced South Park in a Simpsons review! .....laugh, damn you!

I see you have taken a few courses there yourself. Anyways, the whole divorce bit and re-marrying scenes weren't funny. The whole "Splitting things in two" has been run into the ground by so many others shows and the "Sex in the church"? Ahahaha, not funny.

That could be said of a lot of jokes in this episode - the 'cannonizing', the pikes, the Agnes/Homer pairing (and Otto/Homer implications), the scene with Lisa (which will be touched on again later)....you get the idea. 

We could honestly go into great detail about how this segment ALONE was bad, but it's time to move on. The Sacajawea segment was there, after all.

This is another thing that'll have to come back up, and a lot of the complaints here are similar to the King Henry VIII issues (i.e. lack of humor and gags that went on for too long). That said, as bad as this may sound, who they chose for Lewis and Clark is also a tad problematic.

You mean the whole "Blacks were slaves back then"? I can understand that, and it probably could've been solved with a different male pairing (Burns/Smithers, Moe/Barney, Skinner/Chalmers (despite what I've been saying recently), you get the idea).

I'll be honest, when I can, I'll give the episode credit when we're reviewing. This, I can't find anything to give credit for.

Well since you didn't bring it up, the whole 'time period jokes' were just bad. Ranging from how Lewis and Clark knew names of landmarks despite minimal exploration of that land to that point, to Moe's Bar, to the exploration somehow getting back to Washington DC in 1806...

Honestly, I felt those fell under the same issues as King Henry VIII; the stories presented are mere scraps of the truth sewed together with inaccurate jokes. As I've made clear, it's outrageous how the writers seem unwilling to do any research on topics central to their plots. Still, there's one last thing that needs to be discussed: when 'Sacajawea' mentions how to scare off a mountain lion, without ANY reason to mention it. Maybe if they had heard a mountain lion's roar, and 'Lewis' or 'Clark' asked about it, then it'd make sense.

Ah yes the 'Painfully obvious foreshadowing'. How lazy can he be to not possibly put that in some form of context where it would make sense?

Don't you know? The jokes padding out each segment kept them from having enough time to create the necessary context! And we all know how good those jokes were! Weren't you rolling on the floor the whole time?

Yes I guess I was, when my brain tried to evacuate my skull, I had to cover my ears with the floor and my face with my hands, so I guess I needed to roll back and forth.

See, there we go! So, shall we move onto the 'Mozart' segment?

You know you can't throw in 'It's historically inaccurate' because Mr. Kelley beat you to the punch at the end of it.

So he KNEW it was bad and didn't feel like fixing it? That's somehow even WORSE!

Yeah ripping off (There's a difference between homage and ripping off) the historical inaccuracies of the movie perfectly justifies your crappy segment. Makes sense to me.

As usual, there are bad jokes abound here, but there's also a rather strange plot hole: when Lisa drugs the emperor, she only drugged ONE glass, with no apparent leftover liquid. How did she manage to also drink a drugged glass?

You expect a Brian Kelley episode to have continuity? Ahahahaha! *rolling on the floor*

Well, a LITTLE would be nice!

That's the best joke I've ever heard involving Brian Kelley. Anyways, yeah that was stupid and two jokes in particular I want to bitch talk about: the Jackson 5 joke and the 'Musical fruits' opera *Cries*

*puts on Literary Analysis glasses* It does bring up one question: just where did the Jackson Five come from? Did they travel through time? Or is it a sign in-story that Marge knows absolutely nothing about the era?

*Breaks glasses* For me, the problem was the joke had NO buildup and made no sense. The opera joke... it's an opera about farting... I'll let that sink in *Sobs in corner*

*picking up shards and the frame* Despite what people claim about opera, it's mostly reserved for epic tales, usually of a romantic nature. Again, given the era, the joke makes no sense given how people felt about bodily functions. 

I'll say one thing about the epilogue and then we'll be just about done. It was very stupid and a piss-poor attempt to re-integrate 'real Homer' (Although the real Homer has been dead for a while) and the jokes at the end were just stupid and not funny. We get it, Homer likes Animal House, you though are not worthy to mention Animal House.

Now, then, Kriken, I just have one final thing to say. As I mentioned earlier, I wanted to talk about Lisa's scene in King Henry VIII, her treatment as Sacajawea, and (though I actually didn't mention this) her treatment in Mozart.

Aw, crap, everyone take cover. 

Hardy-har-har. Anyhow, in each segment, Lisa is, at best, brushed off and humiliated. At worst, she's just degraded, with no sense of how her character - or even the characters she represents - works. In the King Henry VIII segment, it's BARELY justified considering the king's desire for a son, and even then, the scene was just clearly meant to be 'comedy' by humiliating Lisa. 

Ugh, please never bring up the 'Grow a penis' joke again.

Then, as Sacajawea, despite the help she did offer and accounts that have portrayed her as the explorers' greatest asset, whether for guiding, negotiating peace with angry tribes, or simply showing that the explorers meant no harm. All of this runs contrary to the portrayal shown by Brian Kelley, who only shows her as a know-it-all bitch, if you'll pardon my language. It's just frustrating. Lastly has to be Lisa in the role of Salieri, who is ignored and pushed aside at every possible turn until they push her into the madhouse. I could see this happening to Lisa in the show as well, given how Brian Kelley has her written every time! I can't tell if Brian Kelley just hates Lisa, or if he has issues with women in general (though, given other episodes he's written, it's easy to believe the latter is the correct theory).

Okay, and that's the end of our discussion about this episode, next week won't be fun at all, will it?

We're finally going to do 'Lisa the Dra

*Points gun* NO.

"Hate Month" A Star is Born-Again

Well it's that time again. A glorious time where I bash some of the worst writers ever in the history of the show. This month I take on my personal least favorite writer; Brian Kelley. Now keep in mind that while I dislike him as a writer, I don't know him (Or any of the writers) personally so while I hate their work, this is in no way a personal attack against them. With that out of the way, let's talk about today's episode. A Star is Born-Again is an... interesting one to say the least. While the idea of Ned dating again isn't terrible, this episode just manages to screw it up nonetheless. How bad can they screw it up? Let's find out.

The episode begins with the family heading to the beach as it's revealed that they are there for the annual Jellyfish Festival (While it does set up Ned's loneliness, that doesn't occur until the 4 minute mark. And it's not like this Festival is even mentioned ever again, so it's rather pointless). After Ned walks for a bit we see him filling out some forms in the Leftorium as a woman comes in to shop around. After the two chat a bit we find out the woman is charmed by Ned's wholesomeness and how she can't find people like that in LA (And in other news that'll shock the world, water is wet). The woman buys some stuff and tells Ned that she's a visitor to Springfield and she'll only be in town for a week and she'd love to have dinner with him (So many questions to ask, so few answers given). Ned finds out through a single conveniently placed poster that the woman he's about to go to dinner with is none other than movie star Sarah Sloane (Gotta love how there's only ONE poster around the walls of the Leftorium, it really speaks to the laziness of the staff).

I've had my eye on you for quite some time Mr. Ander- I mean Mr. Flanders

The next day Ned tells Homer about his date and the conversation goes nowhere as Homer really doesn't give advice to Ned but spouts off unfunny lines instead (That didn't take too long). Later we see Ned and Sarah at dinner as Lenny decides to take a joke too far (Jokes that go on too long aren't funny, writers). Later, Ned and Sarah go walking down the boardwalk as Sarah decides to kiss Ned as Ned has no problem with it (Am I the only one who feels that Ned would have SOME problem with that? I mean it's their first date, oh well, maybe I'm overthinking this). The next day we get a brief biography about Sarah's relationships from the Simpsons (Ah yes the patented "Tell don't show" method we've come to expect. Really It was established she seems like that so I don't know why they even bothered with this scene). Homer gets a call as we get introduced to... ugh, the "Tabloid satire". As Ned shows Sarah his kids, the doorbell rings and a bunch of tabloids come to storm the house. As Ned, Sarah and the kids leave the tabloids wreck everything and decide to "Concoct more lies" (You know Mr. Kelley, the purpose of satire is to point out flaws by means of irony and ridicule, and not by LOUDLY ANNOUNCING IT).

It's funny, right?! I mean because the tabloids will just break stuff and photograph it right?!

Afterwards, we see Sarah on set for a film as Ned gets the director to cut a pointless nude scene out of the film and Sarah's tells Ned that she might "thank" him later (Brian, how long can you go in an episode without including some pointless sexual joke? It seems to be a somewhat common theme in your episodes. Eh maybe I'm just forcing something that's not really there). Later, the Simpsons have dinner with Ned and Sarah when we find out that the tabloids are outside of Ned's house and are fooled by a dummy that looks like Cher (Besides the fact that the joke is terrible, where are Rod and Todd? Did you just leave them in the house to watch the paparazzi or did the writers forget about them?) Ranier Wolfcastle breaks into the Simpsons and tries to win back Sarah which doesn't work (Yay for pointlessness!) Later Sarah and Ned are walking down the street and Sarah tells Ned that she wants him to come to LA with her. This causes Ned to have a dream sequence of him in Hollywood (NO! You need to earn a dream sequence! Go back and try again)

And all this time, I thought Jim Brooks looked like the monopoly man

After seeing Hollywood looking like hell (How is that any different than today?) Ned tells Sarah that he couldn't go so she decides to stay in Springfield (Okay everyone got what they wanted, episode's over. It was bad but not as bad as I remembered it w- oh, there's still a third act left). We see Ned and Sarah as they are driving down a road and then shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart ~Padding, Padding, Padding,~ ~Padding, Padding, Padding,~ Marge invites Sarah to her book club as we find out that Sarah invited Helen Fielding to the meeting as she's the author of the book they decided not to read. Helen's not upset that they didn't read it (As she still gets paid for the sales) and decides to leave a la Benny Hill style... whu? How does that make any sense? Because she's English that automatically means she runs a la Benny Hill? When you use the Benny Hill theme, you do it for a "wacky" chase, not just because they're English. You FAIL writers, you fail!

We are the humor police! Get back here!

So after 3 minutes of nothing, we see Sarah decide to wear a revealing dress as she goes out with Ned and the kids to a Pops concert. Ned is shocked that Sarah is wearing what she is and at the concert she takes his jacket to make the dress even more sexy. After a bad Homer leers Sarah joke (3 times now and another time later) Sarah tells Ned that she wants to sleep with him but Ned tells her that he can't because he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex (Like his character SHOULD). Ned talks with Homer about it but it goes nowhere (Seriously, can someone actually tell me HOW that talk swayed Flanders in any way? There was nothing said about what he should do, just Homer thinking he's funny). Later, Ned and Sarah are on a hillside when Ned shows Sarah passages from the bible for and against pre-marital sex (One vastly outnumbering the other).

Next he's going to join a motorcycle gang, then convert to Islam and then...

However through the power of shitty writing, er I mean wind, there's only one passage left and it was from the "Pro-sex" pile that says something that makes no sense but it's good enough for Ned... Okay I'm calling bull here! Even if that did happen, I don't see Ned just throwing out all those other passages because of wind. You fail Brian Kelley, you FAIL! The next morning Ned tells Sarah that now they have to get married and she's adamant and decides to go back to LA. Ned's a bit depressed that Sarah left as the episode ends with Helen Fielding running a la Benny Hill style with Marge, Homer, Ned and a bear... wait what?

Final Verdict: This episode was awful, the jokes were terrible and often times made no sense in context to what was happening. The writing was bad with character derailment and the third act was just a mess. The story could have worked if it were just Ned and Sarah just getting into a relationship that didn't force Ned to act the way he did at the end. All together this episode was rather boring and stupid to sit through and I'd recommend staying away from it if you haven't seen it.

*Edit*Final Grade: 1.3/10 A rather stupid episode

"Hate Month" Little Big Girl

Key:

Black: Kriken

Purple: RBY

Today me and RBY will talk about another one's of Don Payne's disasters which is very forgettable and rather stupid. So RBY, you ready to begin this? What choice do I have? You locked me in this room, remember? Oh good memories indeed, at least I gave you internet access. I've been eating cold pepperoni pizza for four days! And I hate pepperoni! Quit whining.

Let's start with the Lisa subplot, shall we?

I guess. If I can plagiarize a certain reviewer: "What the f*** is wrong with you?"

I assume you mean the writers with that. It really bugged me just how long Lisa allowed that lie to go on for.

Seriously, Lisa's smart and values her integrity.

If Lisa Gets an A taught me anything, it's that she puts integrity over grades (In the long run). I was annoyed just how easily she decided to give up integrity to begin with.

There really wasn't much discussion about it. Even more irksome - sure, she mentioned that the Simpsons had no interesting relatives, but the Bouviers (which sounds French) never get mentioned. What about them? It's family, she can research them.

Well if we even saw her RESEARCH either side that'd be an improvement. But no, she just sits in the middle of the floor and mopes about how her family's boring.

Technically, that night, we see her hit the books, but we don't even really know what she's doing. Yeah, they're labeled, but they seem like generic works, not tomes she could be looking for relatives in.

Why not have Homer call up all the Simpsons in the Tri-county area again? Oh wait, then we wouldn't have had that spectacular line of "By speaking in forkéd tongue, I am in heap big trouble!"

Ugh...even the lampshading the derailment inherent in that line afterward didn't help.

In my opinion, there was only one funny bit in that subplot: When Lisa did the "NorthDakotalahoma" only because I like that type of joke in general. Sucks it had to be in this heap of crap.

The ending was just bizarre too - really, it SHOULD have ended right at the school, with Lisa either confessing she lied for the grade, or saying that she could not attend the multicultural event. The thing at City Hall was just painful overall, and that ending? I don't know where to start.

Then I'll start, Lisa feeling that she had to continue the lie was just BS. She already cheated to get her grade, why continue? What does she have to gain? NOTHING! And the fact that she actually went onstage to embarrass herself further was just awful.

I'm shocked at how easily she was forgiven, too. Sure, she's 8 - actually, that reminds me, I'm shocked they put so much trust into her - but even then, she wasted everyone's time, took up a time slot at that convention, and all for selfish desire - a grade. I'm a tad school-obsessed (read as: I cried over my first C), but even I can't believe that.

Well I see this is frustrating you, let's move onto the "Main" plot. Which actually had three different arcs within it, didn't it?

It did: Bart getting a license, Bart driving Homer around, and Bart's relationship with Darcy.

You actually remembered her name?! She was about as interesting as a loaf of bread.

Hey, take that back! I LIKE bread! But, anyways, let's discuss the event that kicked off this plot: the barn fire.

Which time? The padding? Or the actual physics-defying time? They were both ludicrously insulting to our intelligence.

The latter, as that one's actually relevant to our discussion. The fire, as you know, somehow spreads to the town without killing Cletus and family, apparently. The scenes tries a few jokes, which fall flat on their face.

There were two that annoyed me the most, the "I'm flaming!" and "That's where our mom works!" The first one was cringe worthy and the second one just gave me bad ideas.

Considering that some fans have slashed together Lenny and Carl, and other episodes have created rather, uh, "interesting" ideas as to their relationship-

*Cough* The Blue and The Gray *Cough*

-uh, yeah - the idea that they share the same mother is a bit, well....YEAH. Hopefully, we either misheard them, or it's just they're so close as friends that they consider themselves family. Hey, me and my best friend were like that.

Still, stupid line anyways, moving on. Betcha you didn't know fire extinguishers worked that long and that effectively to put out an entire city fire. Where were they in Chicago?

Those magical ones weren't around yet.

I still find it really stupid that not only did Bart want a driver's license (Seriously, I could think of dozens of things he'd want before that) but he could apparently drive the family car no problem. I know there's suspension of disbelief, but come on, cars aren't like bikes, you can't just jump in and screw around a few times and instantly know driving.

While a lot of kids wish they could drive, licenses do not automatically equal knowledge of driving. Should we skip over the subplot of driving Homer around? Aside from a brick joke, it's pretty pointless.

Agreed, now let's talk about North Haverbrook, last I checked, it was a hellhole from the Monorail. But I guess it got better just for Bart's arrival.

Then again, it's been many years since Season 4, sadly. Thing is, there were TONS of towns they could've used or invented. Why the one established as ruined?

No clue. Darcy just annoyed me, she seemed like the writer's attempt to satirize the teenage girl, if the writers viewed teenage girls as middle-aged soccer moms. And all the buildup of Bart and Darcy was to reveal that she was pregnant? Why should I care?

Because the writers said so, and, if you don't, you're a jerk! Wait, or am I thinking of yet another one of Bart's girlfriends?

Probably, you need to get your mind focused on the crap today instead of much better episodes. So many wasted jokes and opportunities for Bart and Darcy, but hey if they had room for those jokes, where would the 5 montages have gone?

On the cutting room floor, I hope.

I will break your spirit yet, and you will be as bitter as I am one day. Final words: The main plot was stupid and unfunny, and the subplot was stupid and out of character for Lisa. Your thoughts?

Well, if I may: there was so much wasted material in this episode. Heritage stories (come to think of it, where was Bart for that?), the relationship between Darcy and Bart, fun on the road.... Just, more than what we got.

Agreed, yet another episode left for the sands of time to forget.

"Hate Month" Simpsons Christmas Stories

Key:
Black=Kriken
Purple=RBY

Well, I have to hand it to you Mr. Payne, you managed not to screw up Thor. That's ONE good thing you've done so far in your writing career, I'll be sure to hold a party whenever you get around to doing the second. But that's for another day, today we'll be taking a look at one of Don Payne's most boring works: Simpsons Christmas Stories. An episode so- *Static*What was that? *Static* It's me! RBY! Oh hi RBY, so what's new with you? Well you forced me to finish your latest review when you walked out. I thought we had an agreement about me doing this kind of stuff. Remind me what it was? I DON'T DO IT! Well, why are you here then? I'm here because you already did a review of this and I'm here to stop you. We don't allow filler, dude! So my trap worked. I... wait, trap? Yep, I knew that I had to lure you here with an episode I already did, and now you're trapped here, forced to help me with the rest of "Hate Month" You can't do that, this is the internet! I can leave whenever I- Where'd that steel door come from? You're trapped with no way out until "Hate Month" is done, so are you ready for some pain? I hate you Kriken, remind me to burn your house down afterwards. Will do, let's begin. Goodie.

Shall we begin with the first segment?

Where else? The church, our framing device, went on a bit long in my opinion. I know writers want to get in every bad joke they ever heard, but, guys, you only get 20 minutes (give or take) for the episode. You shouldn't use it for filler.

I envy you, you haven't witnessed how bad the filler can get. But yeah, I enjoyed a bit, but then that turned to anger as it just seemed to drag after a while. Could've been shortened easily. So, your opinion on the casting of the first Christmas?

The one problem I had (as probably did most) was Bart as Jesus. Do I even need to explain why? What little we saw of him as Jesus comes across as completely antithetical to what I know about the guy.

That's the writer's attempts at adding "humor" to the story. I actually enjoyed Lisa as Gabriel (Albeit wrong gender) and Burns as Herod, just how pussified Burns is in newer episodes, it feels like a breath of fresh air to see him want to inflict pain and suffering instead of moping in his room.

Speaking of moping, Homer's characterization as Joseph didn't seem to fit him or the story as it's known. Sure they were trying to be funny and incorporate main characters, but Homer's not exactly a bad guy as I recall. If he were to be in Joseph's role, I think he'd be rather tolerant.

Unfortunately, that's "Comic relief Homer" where all his lines result in the writers laughing, but nobody else. Really the biggest problem is that they basically tried to a comedy out of something that doesn't really have much comedic value to be found. I already addressed the "Jokes", what point did they make you cry as well?

I don't cry, but I think I gave up around "wine to water" scene.

You have a much better tolerance for that than I do, I gave up right about when Marge went to the manger.

I've had a lot more experience with real-life stupidity, I guess. Well, I can't think of much more we can drag out of this segment. Shall we move on?

Agreed, little to no substance, let's move on. The next segment was probably my least hated, but that's like saying a broken thumb is better than the options of castration or amputation.

All honesty, I didn't really like that segment. There's nothing to really to suggest this is out of continuity (like the Treehouse of Horror segments are), so Santa showing up just felt jarring to me.

Agreed, this show doesn't really rely on magic, myths, or acts of God (Doomsday doesn't count). I would question why Grampa never mentioned how Santa screwed him during WWII, but I've given up on continuity in WWII episodes and just accept the Flying Hellfish as the true events of Abe, Montgomery and the war.

Yeah, at least that episode resolves- sorry, off-track. The jokes are a bit better, but not by much. If I can use a scale of humor, with 1 the lowest and 100 the funniest, I'd put both segments under 40, with this one being a bit higher. Sorry, but I think that it's true.

You don't have to apologize, this is purely opinion here. You gotta love just how half-assed the whole story was, from the lazy introduction of Abe's brother, to the half-assed resolution. I really felt like Bart and Lisa at the end; confused and apathetic.

What can I say, I don't like presenting opinions as facts. The segment had a few other issues, such as ABE Simpson calling himself "Young Grandpa Simpson". These writers apparently grew up on the show, they ought to know he has a name! Sure, it's minor, but it just bugs me.

It's a recurring theme in modern episodes; little problems (Along with big problems) that just seem to mount up into a big pile of fail. Well I've got nothing else to say, two crappy, boring, unfunny segments so far, let's move on to the final one.

Yeah. Sad thing is, while the final segment is also fairly dull, the characters act the most like themselves in this segment.

That's sad, that's probably the best compliment either of us can give it. All I can remember it for was a drive-by musical with no humor.

More or less. Still, I try to give credit where it's due.

Eh, I've been desensitized by this point so I was basically sleeping through all the "In-character" moments. There was something about Moe committing suicide that failed, or something. Homer forgot to get Marge a present, only for that to get resolved by Marge and what else?

There was a short song about the day before Christmas, but it was pretty dull.

Wasn't everything in that segment?

True. Still, to me, this manages to be the best of the three, out of virtue of being short and most in-character.

Yet it still sucks and as a whole it was boring and unfunny. I rest my case.

I never said it wasn't. So we're done?

Wait, no! That's what it means? I've only heard it used on TV. Case closed.

Ahhh....well, I'm done. Shutting off my Internet.

Well I'll see you next week in your prison that I created. ..... You're gone aren't you? Well see you later.

Hate Month: Don Payne Introduction

I said earlier that I would not be doing any reviews in this time period and this is no exception. This is merely an introduction, a short piece where I talk a little about Don Payne's work and why I decided to have him when there are so many worse writers I could bash (I'm looking at you Brian). So with that out of the way, let the hate begin.

Reason:
I screwed up when to do this, I should have done this last month, but I'm hoping to make up for it this month. The movie Thor (Releases this Friday) does not inspire confidence with me. The director (Kenneth Branagh) is a rather inexperienced director as he only had 13 films under his belt and his last movie was in 2007. I have no real opinion of him as a director (Only film of his I watched was Hamlet and I liked it) but I would think that they would want to put a veteran director behind this (Okay, in fairness I don't know how popular Thor is among comic book fans, but I feel like with Steel, you have to at least try to make a good movie regardless of popularity). This brings me to my second point; the writers. Now two of the writers seem like Siamese twins as they have near EXACT resumes on their respective IMDB pages, they are Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz. Like Ken, they have weak resumes as their biggest claim to fame is Agent Cody Banks... be very afraid people, be very afraid. There are two other writers responsible for the story (Mark Protosevich and J. Michael Staczynski) but I've been putting this one off for far too long, the final writer of this movie; Don Payne.

Don Payne's Work:
I could probably do this alone for his movie writing career (Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and My Super Ex Girlfriend) but instead let's take a look at the episodes he wrote by himself (The ones he wrote with John Frink don't count here.Also Thursdays With Abie doesn't count as it too was co-written with another writer)

• Fraudcast News
• Thank God it's Doomsday
• Simpsons Christmas Stories
• Little Big Girl
• Love Springfieldian Style
• Take my Life, Please

So what we have here is a bunch of episodes that either; nobody remembers, or they suck. I already covered Take my Life, Please and Simpsons Christmas Stories if you want to see what I thought of them (They're still fair game for this month). 

With all that, I leave you with a question; How does a man with this resume get a huge part in (Probably) a summer blockbuster? The world is cruel at times.

"Hate Month" Stealing First Base Followup

We conclude "Hate Month" with a recent episode that our good ol' friend John Frink wrote. It of course was last season and it totally sucked ass. Now we will venture on with our review of this episode...

*kzzzzt*

Where did that text come from?

HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

OH MY GOD IT'S NAVI! RUN!!!!

No, you idiot! It's me, your editor!

I have an editor?!

Yes, you do. And I'm here to remind you that you already DID a review of this episode! You've SAID what's wrong with it!

Oh yeah, I did. But I'm here now to provide FURTHER insight into why I hate this one. I can only write so much before the audience gets bored reading paragraph after paragraph.

.......you have an audience?

HEY! My fans are very loyal, I mean I've got... uh... well what about... uh... well there's always...

Yeah. You have an audience all right. P.S. The above was a runon sentence.

Well, since you're here, you wanna discuss your views on this episode with me? It'll be fun.

Lies. But since I have to stay around anyways to edit and make your posts READABLE, I'll help.

Okay, let's begin then.

Padding:
So let's start off with the padding for this episode?

Yeah, sure. Because I'm not sure how well Kriken's explained how he determines what padding is - padding consists of scenes that contribute nothing to the episode. They are not funny or enjoyable, they do not add to the plot, and they could be cut without any effect on the episode (well, besides making it shorter and a bit more enjoyable, but you understand my point). In fact, padding brings the plot to a screeching halt. As an amateur writer, I can safely say that, if you have to rely on padding, your story clearly isn't strong enough on its own; scrap what you have and start over. So, back on track - how much padding was there?

4 minutes and 45 seconds

.....the average episode, not counting the opening and the credits, is about 19 minutes. That's about a QUARTER of the episode devoted to padding! What the hell, writers!

Well the first piece of padding consists of a topical bit where Homer uses a GPS to take his kids to school. Where do I begin?

1. Why does he need a GPS to take his kids to SCHOOL!?
2. It uses meters instead of feet (For a US user no-less) so we get a bit where Lisa tries to convert it to feet. Why is she converting a short distance (50 m) to feet?
3. The GPS is apparently sentient as it can tell when it's 10 feet off the ground or when it's in water
4. This bit takes up 1 minute and stalls our introduction to the plot.

Personally, I think GPS units are, in fact, sentient and out to kill us, but I digress. We happen to have a GPS unit. If the route is familiar, we don't waste the power or time activating it and programming. In addition, I always considered the Simpsons to be stuck in the 90's; they don't need newer technology. I mean, how old IS their car? Finally, while I am fond of how technology has evolved, the fact of the matter  is WE NEVER SEE THE GPS UNIT AGAIN.

Our next piece of padding (I'm skipping over another piece) involves Homer taking Bart to the movies where they go to see a 3-D Itchy and Scratchy movie with no originality and it causes the plot to vanish entirely.

As per my job as editor, I reviewed the scene. There is literally no transition to this scene, and it could have been much better spent on a actual joke - say, Homer takes Bart to see 'Foxy Boxing', thus keeping Bart's mind on girls. That would be a simple joke, yes, but at least you'd laugh.

The attempts to mock 3-D are terrible, one particular line just makes me want to shove a pair of 3-D glasses up John Frink's ass.

Dude, at least TRY to stay neutral!

*sigh* You're right. Remember the days when the I&S cartoon used to be 20-30 seconds long and usually dealt with the episode itself?(Deep Space Homer comes to mind)

Yeah...heck, even in Cape Feare, where the writers admitted to padding, the Itchy & Scratchy worked - it showed that Bart was anxious, and even his favorite things couldn't cheer him up. In addition (I may be stretching here), the way that Itchy kills Scratchy in his typical over-the-top fashion isn't too different from how Sideshow Bob would want to kill Bart. .....I love that episode. Besides, it had Bob and Bart SINGING together! What more could you want! It- we're off-track. Next padding bit!

Fine *Grumbles* let's talk about the skit. Why was it even in the episode?! I get the whole "What they did was wrong in the eyes of idiots" but the skit went on for way too long and wasn't funny nor necessary to introduce the "No-touch" policy being implemented soon. We could have easily had Chalmers just come on the stage and say; Nobody can touch anyone else or we'll be screwed. Oh yeah, this bit went on for 1 minute and 5 seconds, 1 minute and 5 seconds too long if you ask me.

I concur - no demonstration was needed. In addition, unless I'm mistaken, most schools send letters home if there is a change in policy so that the parents are informed as well - obviously, the writers never went to school.

Okay, my padding bitching is reaching padding territory so I'll just wrap this part up by saying I HATED the "Kissing montage". I have CPR certification and trust me when I say that CPR IS NOT KISSING!!! And even the movie bits they use are just stupid and I find this whole bit irritating. Anything else RBY?

Classroom integration:

I don't think there's anything I can contribute to that. Besides, the less I add, the less padding there is. So, next topic - the legendary 'second classroom' never discussed before this episode?

Well, they could have done a better introduction, but okay. How about the classroom opening bit where it takes way too long to find out what happened to Mrs. K (In comparison to Lisa's Substitute, we get mention of Ms. Hoover's absence almost immediately). But back to the main point, this "Other classroom" is so underdeveloped, you could essentially just have all the students (Other than Nikki) as cardboard cutouts.

Nelson-Blind kid:

The only exception is the blind kid. Honestly, though, I like his relationship with Nelson a lot better than Bart's relationship with Nikki. The blind kid doesn't feel as tacked-on or forced as the actual A plot - I think it would have been a genuinely good A-plot.

You're giving the writers WAY too much credit, but I agree. Nelson and the blind kid were far and away more interesting than Bart's 6th love interest or Lisa's character derailment that some call a plot. I feel that with proper writing, it could have made for a good buddy-pairing. It could have given Nelson some interesting character development outside of bullying. So how about Bart's love interest that we'll call Bipolar Bitch?

Bart-Nikki plot/No-Touch policy:

That's insulting to anyone with a bipolar disorder. But, honestly, there seriously IS something wrong with this character. Even worse, the writers treat her like a normal kid. At least Jessica Lovejoy was acknowledged as a sociopath! ...and, yes, she was a sociopath, but that's beside the point.

That just sickens me because bipolar is nothing to laugh at yet the writers use it for quick unfunny jokes. But let's talk about how they meet, while Bart's reading The Hungry, Hungry Caterpillar (I'm dead serious here) he bashes her Twilight knock-off as being untrue to vampire lore (Yes take literary advice from the kid with a reading level of a 1st grader). Nikki then falls for him and it's contrived love at first sight.

You know what, Twilight sounds perfect for her. Anyways, Bart then asks Grandpa for love advice - Grandpa, who drove his wife away - and he's told to steal a kiss from her. By the way, guys, for future reference - unless we're already dating, doing this will get you seriously injured in so many ways. Back on topic, the next day, we find out Nikki is a great skateboarder. Keep in mind, these two went to the same school - if she did skateboard, Bart should know! If they wanted her to be athletic, they should have given her rollerblades - it would have been equally effective with less fridge logic.

Would make as much sense as if she came to school with scuba gear, but I digress. After they rip off a scene from "Wanted" Bart steals the kiss and it goes about as well as you'd expect with Nikki taking a 180 and overreacting. Of course this leads to our inbred hillbilly of a plot where Nikki's parents overreact even worse than she does.

That's possi-? OH. ......ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Uh... my editor will be back from the mental breakdown in a minute. Anyways, this is just SO stupid and overblown, I'm surprised that nobody was fired for the complete incompetence of this plot. I mean there's satirizing a modern day problem in society, and then there's this; a complete mess of an attempt to satirize our views of young affection. This honestly takes the cake when it comes to unfunny, shitty writing so we'll just move on a little. Nikki takes ANOTHER character 180 and is suddenly in love with Bart again. After Bart and Nikki fight about going public, Bart gets injured and nobody can give him CPR due to the policy. Nikki though gives him CPR (Which is not a kiss thank you very much) and this shitty plot ends with the policy just going away (Seriously, it just goes away, no announcement or anything. No admissions of flaws or apologies from anyone, it just ends) and Nikki giving Bart a good-bye kiss. Up yours writers. Well now that we're done with this I can finally prepare myself for the December...

Wait! Wait wait waaaaait....we forgot about Lisa!

Lisa meeting Michelle Obama:
Oh, you're back. DAMMIT!! Yeah, let's go into that one now *Bites tongue* You want to begin?

...you suck. Anyways, the thing WRONG with this - it's unbelievably unrealistic. Look, I went to school for thirteen years like most kids, and I was a lot like Lisa. I actually enjoyed school, went above the standards for assignments when I could, and never went a quarter without honor roll status. In my whole school career, I only got ONE C on my report card. So, yes, I can identify with Lisa. Why am I mentioning all this? BECAUSE THIS SUBPLOT EPICALLY FAILS! Look, in real life, if you get a bad grade, you get mocked! People will call you stupid! You will not be praised! If you're smart and you get a bad grade, people won't praise you - they will either mock you or ask you how the hell that happened! Befriend you?! HA! Look, this subplot is clearly wish fulfillment on the writer's part - he got a bad grade, was mercilessly mocked, and this is what he WISHED would happen instead!

Thank you for that. That part was stupid, but having THE FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES COME ALL THE WAY TO SPRINGFIELD TO TELL ONE GIRL THAT BEING SMART IS OKAY?! What the hell were the writers smoking?! Did the writers forget that Lisa is a very philosophical girl? Or the fact that Lisa was in MENSA and saw how successful they all were? This is honestly like having Flanders question his faith in God and then having the Pope come visit Springfield to tell him that God loves him. SOMETHING HE ALREADY KNOWS AND PREACHES DAILY!! ...hmm... anything I missed or are we good?

I'm good. And I have readings to finish, so you better be done too.

Looks like we're good. I hope you enjoyed this mini-crossover. I look forward to seeing you all for future posts. And remember, not all writers can be John Swartzwelder, but that doesn't mean we can't bash the bad ones. Or bash the bad episodes like that awful episode parodying reality TV called "The Frying Game"... wait... no. No! NO!!!!!

"Hate Month" All About Lisa

Good God, not this one. We continue our month long segment where I continue to delve into the worst episodes of our good friend John Frink. This episode is notorious among fans as one of the worst episodes of the series and this episode furthered my fear that this show would never be good as long as this writing staff was in place. At the time of its airing, this was considered the worst Lisa episode of all time and considering how many times the writers have screwed her over that's saying a lot. However, today this is NOT the worst Lisa episode in the franchise as there has been another that surpassed this one's suckiness (I'd rather not name it, but you should probably be able to guess which one). With all that out of the way, let's see why it should NOT have been all about Lisa.

So the episode begins with an award show with lines that I think were supposed to be jokes. Inside we get our first bit of narration from Sideshow Mel as he tells us that we should focus in on Lisa after he drops a title placement (Wow, the writers are so creative. For a second I thought this plot would center around Gabo). It is then announced that the winner of "Entertainer of the Year" is Lisa (Wow, must have been a REALLY boring year then. But I digress). So of course, that scene is from the end of the episode so we begin our plot (Over) with a flashback to the family going to Krusty's 4000th episode (You know, there are just WAY too many jokes that this episode lends itself to with "Simpsons going past their expiration date" so I'm just going to keep a counter here and in the end tell you how many jokes I could have made about their crappy episodes). The 4000th episode (Why do I have a feeling that the writers want to get the show to this many episodes?) is then hosted by Drew Carey as he just spews out unfunny joke after unfunny joke (And his cameo is entirely pointless. Remember the days when their cameos made sense? Yeah I'm having a hard time myself). So after a bit with the "Krusketeers" (That joke hurt) Krusty announces that he's going to reboot the "Krusketeers" and the show is searching for a new one (This bit ends with some padding. Hey how nice, the episode is giving me something to lay my head on when I fall asleep from boredom).

Wow, what a great parody, it makes me glad to have watched this show this past decade

The next day, Krusty chooses Nelson (After sleeping with his mom) and this disappoints Bart. Lisa then confronts Krusty and says how it was unfair that Bart was snubbed and Krusty could have hired him as an intern. Krusty then decides to hire Lisa as an intern because... the plot said so? After Krusty gives Lisa a list of chores, she sighs, walks off and SS Mel's narration gives us some annoying exposition. We then cut back to Mel's narration as he narrates about how show business has always had an underpaid assistant (So an assistant of Krusty who's abused by him constantly, becomes famous in their own right? Where have I heard that before? hmmm....) After a bit between Krusty and Lisa, Krusty fires Nelson because... you know what, screw it, their reasoning is stupid. SS Mel then gives Lisa some words of encouragement and he tells her some things to do around Krusty which will put her on good terms with him. After Lisa gives Krusty her necklace thread as floss (Don't ask it's pretty stupid) she gets on his good side. We cut back home where Bart is complaining about how Lisa is Krusty's assistant despite Bart being the bigger fan. Marge then tells Homer to comfort Bart as we see that Bart thinks that now that Lisa has Krusty, he has nothing (Don't worry, you'll still be my favorite drifter).

Oh the irony! His sister is his idol's assistant. You get it, or is this too subtle?

Homer suggests that they get rid of all Bart's Krusty stuff and oddly enough we cut to Homer and Bart selling all Bart's Krusty stuff... Wait what?! Why the hell would Bart agree to this?! I mean he was adamant in burning his Krusty stuff in "Krusty Gets Busted" and this is just way out of character for him to just give Krusty up just because Lisa's his assistant instead of him. I mean could you imagine if Lisa threw her sax out just because there was someone better than her at Jazz? I don't think so! So yeah, at the Comic Book Store, Bart tries to trade his Krusty stuff *Bites Tongue* for an expensive Radioactive Man comic. CBG doesn't like the haggling and counteroffers with a coin collecting book (Yeah I personally hated this concept partially because I don't really care for coin collecting and think it's stupid, but I digress). After CBG takes off his scrunchie (For some reason, I don't know the writers probably thought this was funny or something) Bart and Homer decide to trade for the coin collecting book. We then cut to Krusty as he's impressed about how Lisa cleaned up his dressing room (Wow, that was so necessary. So glad it took up all of 15 seconds!) We then see Bart is disappointed because the hobby takes effort, after Homer gives Bart a pep talk about hobbies killing time (Kill time, alternative to therapy, it's all good) we get a coin collecting montage (Goody, for a second I thought we might have some plot development where Homer tells Bart he enjoys spending time with him or something. But hey, I'm not the highly paid Hollywood writer, what do I know?).

Glad to see this false development appear.

After Bart thinks he's finished the book (With a lot of rare coins... how did he get a confederate dime by the way?) another page reveals itself as the writers realized that the plot couldn't possibly end there (Seriously, this "hidden page" just seems like a cop-out to try to extend an already pointless plot). The coin they're missing turns out to be a rare "Kissing Lincolns" penny (Get it, because the mint somehow printed two pictures of Lincoln to face each other and make it look like they're kissing. Oh the creativity, it never ceases to amaze me just how low they can go). We then cut back to Krusty as his bit gets stalled because Mr. Teeny isn't there. Lisa bails him out by acting as a pirate and squirting Krusty into the pool with a bottle of seltzer water. We then get a bit of narration as the camera pans around Lisa, giving the audience motion sickness and showing Lisa getting high off the laughter (You want a better explanation, because that's what it looks like). After Krusty's agent tries to warn him about Lisa, Krusty gets a call that he's missing a rehearsal for the network and then it dawns on Krusty that Lisa's trying to sabotage him (Wow, ONE time and Lisa already thinks she can take the show from him. That's a lot of arrogance). At the studio, Lisa tries to drop subtle hints that the executives should try her out, right as they're about to leave she changes demeanor and decides to try her own funny bit (Let's see the comedic genius of the writers, er I mean Lisa Simpson).

Great, Lisa's stoned again. Can the director tell Lisa she's facing the wrong way?! The audience is BEHIND her!

Krusty then barges in as we see Lisa (In her ridiculous clown outfit by the way, seriously, what was the director thinking?) telling a "Centipede putting on shoes" joke (Wow, that joke hasn't been told a million times in preschool).  After Lindsey Nagel contradicts what I said, Krusty sees his agent become Lisa's agent as Krusty realizes he's ruined now (No, you were ruined YEARS ago, it's just now people are catching on). The act ends with SS Mel narrating some more about Krusty learning a lesson as we see Moe is immune to his time stopping powers. You know, I realize we are 15 minutes in and there hasn't been any real humor, so enjoy this clip while I go prepare myself for the rest of this. Okay, so we find out that show's been renamed "The Lisa Show" and the show is essentially "Clown Lisa" (I couldn't make this up if I tried, and somehow this outfit is sillier than the previous one) just entertaining the audience with comedy (I can see the ratings now. The first time in history that the ratings are comparable to the host's shoe size). Lisa then approaches SS Mel as Mel transitions from narrating to external dialogue (Watch out Linkara! He's going to knock down the 4th wall you're on) and Lisa goes back out to pad the episode some more (Hey I got just the song for padding, it goes like this: 'Dundun dudundundun! EAT IT EPISODE! Take this stupid little cockroach of an episode, roll it up so tight, and RAM IT UP YOUR-' *Is given tranquilizers by RBY*) I'm better now, let's move on. Through SS Mel's narration, we find out that Krusty is hosting an unsuccessful late night talk show (So this is what Leno's comeback was like). After a scene of Homer and Bart going through some pennies to find the one they're missing, Homer takes Bart to an auction to buy the penny (Why? They saw how rare it was online, what are they expecting the penny to cost $5?) At the auction, Mr. Burns wins the penny but Homer tricks Burns later and takes the penny away from him (Just roll with it, at this point I'm too desensitized by the shear stupidity of this episode to make a joke about this).

Wow, we just wasted 5 minutes of a 20 minute episode. Let's go out for some Frosty chocolate milkshakes to clebrate

After Homer puts the penny in the book, Bart puts the book on the shelf where it's never to be seen again. This makes that entire subplot; *Entirely Pointless*. This also shows just how NOT to end a plot, with no care and no effort whatsoever. We then transition to the beginning of the episode through some SS Mel narrating as Mel approaches Lisa in her dressing room to show her something (No, not that!) Mel then shows Lisa all the previous winners of the award as this is to show that all of them let the award get to their head and they all went on a downward spiral in their career. SS Mel then reveals that he too won the award and advises her to get out of showbusiness as soon as possible. Lisa then gets back to the podium as she sets up Krusty for some jokes and she disappears away with her family as Krusty gets all the attention. The episode ends with a narration from SS Mel saying how he envies Lisa for leaving with her dignity as we see him as a fire hydrant in a skit with Krusty as a dog, classy.

Final verdict: This episode is TERRIBLE. The jokes are non-existent, the main plot is recycled and poorly written with the pacing being erratic. The subplot is terrible and pointless. And the padding is everywhere with nothing to convince the audience to want to watch this episode again, in short, it's unfunny and boring. And for my final count of "Showbusiness jokes with this show" it came out to 13.

Final Grade: 1.6/10 Just unwatchable, plain and simple

"Hate Month" Stop or My Dog Will Shoot

I'm back for this review. You all thought "Bart Mangled Banner" broke me didn't you? You thought I would cancel this entire theme month completely. You thought wrong, while it's true I did go to my corner and cry a little after the episode, it was nothing booze couldn't fix. Now I'm going to tear apart another horrible episode from John Frink and take out lingering frustrations from the previous episode now. Okay rant over (I'm sorry but that episode was SO HORRIBLE, I'm still shocked it was eve made) let's review this mediocre episode.

So we begin the episode with an unfunny Oktoberfest joke involving Homer losing his beer (Can I have it? I'll be needing it). So after some padding (Ah yes, thank you writers, these episodes are way too compelling for us to enjoy already) we see Marge go over to a Cornucopia contest where she sees the winner dragged off behind the barn after finding out he cheated (While I do find the whole "Killing the cheater" bit funny, it's undercut by the music selection at the beginning of the scene. The same score used in "Bart Vs. Thanksgiving" when Lisa brings her tablepiece to the table. Good job writers, good job). After more padding (I'm not beginning a count here) Homer accidentally takes the family into a corn maze where they get lost immediately. After some more padding (This episode would make a very comfy pillow for your loved ones) Marge suggests that they split up to get out.

With a-maize-ing writing like this, who needs jokes?

Homer being rock stupid has his bipolar moment as he runs off further into the maze. We then see Homer angry about being stuck in the maze as he tries to get out but is shocked when he tries to run through the corn (This is a genuinely funny visual gag, but it's undercut by a gag within the joke and an utterly stupid line. Thanks for giving false hope episode). We then see the family's gotten out by Lisa using an algorithm (Um, how? Ah screw it Bart setting the corn on fire made me chuckle a bit. Let's see how long that lasts). We cut to nightfall as we see that Homer's still stuck in the maze and he's essentially screwed. Help is on the way as the police come with their rescue dog, but that backfires as the dog gave birth earlier that day and this causes Wiggum to forget all about Homer (Why did the police not know about the pregnancy until now? Oh yeah, this police force is about as effective as the French war flag *Heyo!*) Bart's not concerned as he calls for Santa's Little Helper and we see him escape from the car through the worn out floor (I'm not going to go into why a dog was left alone in a car on what I can assume was a hot day). Bart tells SLH to find Homer but he can't until Lisa finds a sports bra in Homer's backpack for SLH to smell... I'm just going to let that sit with you for a moment, moment over. We then get to watch SLH go through the maze in a scene which I'm reluctant to call DOOM: The Maze. SLH finds Homer and brings him out of it. Lou then praises SLH's tracking abilities and Wiggum asks Bart if he wants his dog to join the force, Bart asks Homer and Homer says he can.

Watch out for the Mars demons to your right

Our next scene starts off with a statue of a dog dressed as a police officer riding a horse outside of the "Spirngfield Animal Police Academy" (I'm not sure what to say about the statue, but I will admit I've never seen any of the Police Academy movies, so references to them will go over my head). After Bart has a pointless dream sequence (Which involves SLH being Robocop, I'm starting to believe the writers just thought they could add any police movie reference and we'd accept it) we get a pointless scene of Wiggum being incompetent (Wow, something we've never seen before. Truly this is the work of creative writing). After a semi-montage of SLH and others training, we see them all graduate and SLH is assigned to Lou (Oh yeah apparently dolphins can become police animals, I'll get into this a bit later when it comes back up). Lou and SLH get called in for a domestic disturbance as we find out that Brandine is shooting at Cletus for giving a pig more attention than her. When they get there, a bullet ricochets off the tub Cletus is hiding under and it hits SLH. Lou calls for backup and we see that the dolphin comes along in a tank (Okay, now is the time. What is the point of the dolphin?! Did they honestly think it was funny?! I mean it's just so retarded and pointless. If they were going for a funny animal to dress up, here's an idea; How about a fucking bear?! Makes just about as much sense).

Oh it's so funny because it's a dolphin. And dolphins can't walk, right? Right?!

After that, Bart decides to pay more attention to Snowball II, this goes over about as well as you'd think. After Bart tells Lisa what we've all figured out by now (And for those of you who haven't; Bart misses SLH) we see SLH and Lou in a cop bar where SLH is experiencing some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the shot he took and he just shakes it off with some beer (How classy, make fun of a real condition that plagues thousands of people and causes them to loose sleep at night. I know people who've served in wars and PTSD is nothing to mock or even try to bring up in a non-serious manner. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm nitpicking here, but this is personal and I can't believe they even wrote SLH getting shot in the first place). Moving on, we see Snake selling steroids to the bullies as Lou and SLH bust them for illegal drug trafficking (I think *Goes to check my lawbook*). SLH chases after Snake as he catches him in probably the most ludicrous way possible (Oh yeah, SLH getting shot never comes back into the story so I guess my rant about their insensitivity did have merit as it was pointless). Later we see Snake in court as he's let go because the police report was filed by SLH and it's all messed up (Wait, why did the police department let a DOG fill out a police report? Are the writers high?) After Snakes mocks SLH (And admits out loud he's going to go sell more drugs... Why isn't he charged on the spot?) Lou drives SLH back home where SLH lets out his frustrations from Snake on Bart by biting him.

We ran out of jokes, so we just decided to throw a copy of the script in.

Later Wiggum tells the family not to worry about SLH because the life of a cop is tough (Yeah this coming from the most incompetent cop in the world. Can we get a second opinion here?) After Marge suggests that they let SLH live somewhere else Bart says no and tries to prove that SLH is still normal, but it fails. SLH goes to Lou's to try to live better, we then get a "hilarious" bit with a woman who tries to set SLH up with a poodle (...I've got nothing, the scene speaks for itself). Later, Marge and Homer take Bart to a pet store to get him a new pet as Bart doesn't want to at first but changes his mind when he sees a python and "Wise-Guy" decides to sell him a python that is wrapped up like a firehose and is cut using a paper cutter guillotine (I'm just going to put my face in this pillow, trying not to smother myself as tempting as it sounds *Puts face in pillow*) Do I even need to say anything about that or does it sound stupid enough without a visual? Moving on, we see the family eating dinner as Bart has his snake with him at the table and he decides to name it "Strangles". Bart tricks Lisa into touching slime on Strangles as Homer strangles Bart for that and Strangles chokes Homer to defend Bart (Any humor gets undercut by Homer's pathetic lines, why is it so hard for the writers to understand this?) The next day we see that Bart brings Strangles to Show-and-Tell as Strangles ate Martin's rabbit causing Mrs. Krabappel to be as unfunny as possible with a bad play-on-words. Martin announces that Strangles escaped as we find out that the school has an alarm for escaped pets (This seems funny on paper, but visually, it gets nothing).

It seems like even the snake enjoys chewing out the scenery

Of course this gets the attention of the police force as Wiggum, Eddie, Lou and SLH all show up at the school to help get the snake (Christ, not even the fire department gets to a school this fast when the fire alarm is pulled and we're expected to believe that THIS police force got there that quickly. I'm just going to classify this scene under "Inept writing") After an emotional scene where we see that SLH misses Bart (And yet again undercut by unfunny dialogue to follow. You know, this episode wouldn't half as bad if about 4 minutes of it was cut out completely) we get a scene of Strangles mistaking a computer mouse for a real one (...What?) as he knocks over two chemicals that create a noxious gas. The police continue bickering until the gas approaches them and they just stand there screaming (This is the inept police force we all know). After Skinner finds out Bart's missing, SLH goes into the school to rescue him. After Bart runs into the gas cloud (How did he not see that? No seriously, how? He runs right into it) Bart then wakes up and finds out that Strangles and SLH saved him. Bart has to decide which one will save him and he decides on SLH, after getting out Bart throws the Frisbee with SLH and Willie takes the snake as his own.

Final Verdict: This episode is underwhelming and boring. There's more padding than a mattress, the jokes are either non-existent or just not funny and the plot is rather uninteresting. This episode seemed nothing more than an unfocused attempt to parody several cop movies while having a phoned in B plot involving Bart with a new pet. It's not something that will cause you to jab your eyes out, but it's a below average episode that's very forgettable.

Final Grade: 3.8/10 Just so uninteresting