Episode 5: Dangerous Curves

Now what if I gave you a horrible story about Marge and Homer when they were dating? It'd be better than this piece of crap! Seriously, I have never been so disappointed by the lack of effort for an idea that they have done so well in the past. What happened, writers? What happened? Oh yeah, the good writers left, I forgot. Let's review this abomination of an episode that made me throw my shoe at the TV.

The episode begins with the family going on a trip for the Fourth of July and getting stuck in traffic (With some sub par jokes thrown in as well). On the way to their destination, Marge decides to pick up some hitchhikers (Sounds more like a Homer idea but whatever). It turns out that the hitchhikers were squeaky voiced teen and his girlfriend (I call bull!). Homer calls the couple crazy, which causes a flashback (Oh great are the writers gonna piss all over continuity with this episode aren't they?), during which we see Homer and Marge as young adults biking when Homer crashes and is forced to walk on the side of the road. After walking for some time, they are approached by Ned and Maude (Didn't you know that Homer knew Flanders before he moved next to him, it was so obvious in Lisa's First Word, I hate this episode). Maude and Ned pick them up and tell Homer and Marge that they're going on their Honeymoon which causes Homer and Marge to not want to marry each other but stay boyfriend and girlfriend (Oh alcohol I drink to your health).

I look forward to forgetting all about this when we become neighbors

I know it's a heat of the moment thing, but this sequence is shit, and when you really stop and think about it (Something the writer hope we don't do) this whole timeline is worthless, what were the writers thinking?! Afterwards, we cut back to the present as Homer tells the couple to stop making out and for Bart to keep playing his violent video game (Video game violence hasn't desensitized me KILL!! MAIM!! DESTROY!!! Sorry I have to go take some calming pills now)(Can't, I was using them for target practice. PULL!). We then have another flashback but this one is five years ago as opposed to twenty (Were the writers out of Ritalin? A major problem with this episode (Outside of the plot, writing, jokes I can go on) is that all three timelines are jumbled and unfocused. Writers, just stick to one bad timeline and develop it properly). This timeline involves Homer coming back from a family picnic with Marge, Patty and Selma (For some reason) after multiple insults from Patty and Selma, Homer throws them out and he soon runs out of gas. As Marge and Homer go for gas, they stumble upon a house with a party going on to which they both decide to stay for (The sad part is that the cutaway scene is much better than the previous two minutes of story development. You fail, writers! You fail!)

Are you trying to make me a likable character?

We then continue with the party as Homer bumps into a girl (Who I'm going to call dumb bitch) who quite possibly sets the record for character that pisses me off the fastest (Seriously she steals a drink from Homer after he says both drinks are for him, assumes he's trying to get her drunk after SHE STOLE THAT DRINK! Then she continues to hit on him after clearly him having no interest. Get me my gun). We then get to see some of the best example of undiluted padding as Homer and dumb bitch go to limbo (Brain Bleach editor! Quickly!) Marge gets angry at Homer for doing the limbo with her, she then falls into a pool and finds Homer and dumb bitch causing a food fight with sushi (Wow, I never thought I would say that). Homer and Marge drop off Squeaky voice teen and his girlfriend in front of a makeout point (Wow, they were totally necessary to the plot). Afterwards, the family gets to some cabins where Homer and Marge sends off the kids in a pedal car (To which Lisa would rather have $10 now as opposed to $100 in her college funds. God this writing is awful). We then flashback to the 20 year mark where Ned has Homer and Marge in two separate cabins because that's the fascist Ned we all know and love... moving on Ned and Maude have such a Christian honeymoon that even the knights of the round table would be ashamed of the chivalry.

You know, this porno isn't worth the $5 I paid for it

After Marge calls Patty and Selma for some filler, we cut to the 5 years ago timeline (Really in the end the 20 years ago timeline proves to be nothing but filler as it has no real consequences on the plot for the other two timelines) as Marge is given new clothes while the host decides to pad out the scene by explaining every little detail about the dress (Seriously the amount of padding rivals that of a crazy house). After he takes Marge on an airplane Dumb Bitch (Okay her name is Sylvia but Dumb Bitch just sounds so much better) tries to convince Homer to leave Marge for her. That's right people, five years and two kids into a marriage and Homer contemplates leaving his family... words cannot express my rage for the stupidity of this writing (To make it worse? THIS HAS BEEN DONE BEFORE, AND MUCH MORE CONVINCINGLY.....TWICE). Alberto takes Marge to the same cabin that she went to in the 20 year timeline as Homer and Dumb Bitch decide to grab a room as well (Okay I'm renaming her Dumb Slut). Homer spots Marge, and Alberto hides in the chest. Marge gets Homer to take the chest out as Homer stuffs Dumb Slut into the chest as well (I smell hilarity *Fake laughter*). Marge and Homer almost get intimate until Grampa brings Bart and Lisa back, who fall asleep instantly (Yay for padding!). We cut back to the present where the kids leave and Homer gets caught in the luggage. We then see that Alberto and Dumb Slut got married and have a kid of their own (And knowing the both of them they still probably want to shack up with Homer and Marge). Alberto and Dumb Slut reveal to Homer and Marge about what we already knew and that gets Homer and Marge into a fight about what happened that day.

Well this is awkward

Homer is then sent away as Bart hits him off the road in their pedal car. Okay, this is where the writing takes a turn for the worse as there is probably some very disturbing imagery that's created from this(If that's at all possible). Our final act starts off with Bart and Lisa bickering with each other because Bart got lost. Lisa asks the bullies for directions but Bart speeds off as he tells Lisa that he gets in detention to stay away from her. This wakes up Maggie as Bart tells Lisa that the reason why they don't get along is that they grew up... now if your drug trip is over as well, we can move on. We then cut to the 20 year flashback (Is it a bad thing to say that I could follow the timeline to Dragon Wars better than I can this timeline?) as Ned allows Homer to be with Marge with Maude aiming a water gun at Homer in case they express any love for each other (These two put the Dic back in Dictator)(Needs more letters). Homer carves a symbol of his love for Marge in a tree that present day Homer finds and decides to take it down to show Marge so that their marriage can be saved (Trust me Homer, your marriage has gone through FAR WORSE things and lived to see another day). The tree collapses as Marge goes over to rescue him. A bit of continuity error by the way, Homer made the carving in a tree by the lake but the tree with the carving now is right next to a cliff and over a river, just saying (Yeah, landscapes can change, but THAT in 20 years?).

Now there's something you don't see every day

When Homer goes to grab Marge's hand to get up, the bark begins to strip off the tree causing Marge to dictate how the tree spins by walking on it like a log rolling contest. Marge and Homer then fall down the Flinstone like canyon as they are able to get in quite a bit of dialogue considering how short the cliffs were (GRAVITY!). They stop right before hitting the water (how convenient) as Bart and Lisa manage to save them with their paddle-car that happens to now be a paddle-boat. After bookending the story with Bart telling Homer and Marge to stop making out (I need booze now) we see all the cars approaching a point as some only go one way and some split in two (SYMBOLISM!!)

Final Judgment: This episode is terrible, the plot is jumbled, the writing is awful and between the false tension of Homer and Marge's marriage being in peril and Bart and Lisa being like a married couple I found nothing to keep my interest. This is just another one of those episodes that just fails in every possible way and not even a "So bad it's good" type of episode.

Final Grade: 1.8/10 Just crap, I don't know why the staff insists on Billy Kimbal and Ian Maxtome-Graham work together. They haven't made a single good episode together.