Bad Christmas Memories: Simpsons Christmas Stories

I"m really starting to lose my annual Christmas cheer and this episode is one of the reasons why. It's not the worst episode or even the worst Christmas episode they've made, but it is bad enough to say that this qualifies for "untertainment". Honestly, I HATE these 3-4 segment episodes; outside of the THoH episodes, there is no need to do this because it just creates more storylines that are all underwhelmingly underdeveloped. In the end, I don't give a crap about any of them. Well, talking about it here won't help; bitching about it in the review will. So let's all be jolly and take a look at this piece of crap.

The First D'oh-El:
The segment begins with everyone in church wondering where Reverend Lovejoy is. After an unfunny bit from Homer, Ned gets a call from Lovejoy asking him to do the Christmas ceremony for him (Okay quick question, feel free not to answer: why does Ned have his phone on in church? I don't mean on vibrate or silence, I mean loud ringtone on). Ned then goes up with his reverend outfit but gets a papercut and faints (So we're back at square on now are we? Nice to know our writers got so much out of one 30-minute writing class). Homer then decides to give the sermon and he decides to tell the story of the birth of Jesus (Considering this is coming from Homer, I'd want to leave the room before he rapes the story with "comedy"). So our story begins (I just realized that calling this a "story" is an oxymoron) with Joesph (Homer) finding out that Mary (Marge) is a virgin but is pregnant (And for quite a long time it seems; I'm pretty sure Mary told Joesph as soon as it happened not 8 months after it happened). Then the Angel Gabriel (Lisa) approaches Joesph and Mary and tell them that Mary's child was conceived from the Holy spirit (Okay, you know what, I'm not going to point out the inaccuracies, but I am just going to say now that they had no respect for the source material and it pisses me off).

What you have in yourself is either the King of the Jews or the Devil. Choose wisely

We then cut to the Three Wisemen (Dr. Hibbert, Skinner, and Professor Frink) where they reveal that the King of the Jews is about to be born to King Herod (Burns). This of course pisses off Herod and he goes on a search for this baby (You know, if you're going to try to tell a story through comedic fashion, at least keep the facts straight). Mary and Joesph then go to an inn where they are given the manger because Mary's about to give birth. After an unfunny bit with Dr. Nick, we then see everyone crowding around baby Jesus (Bart) (The Devil's Cabana boy, Jesus?.....SERIOUSLY? Lisa would be more fitting, even though she's the wrong gender). If you could somehow stand the "Comedy" of this segment so far, this is where the shit hits the fan and you could basically put the "This is bad comedy" clip from Transformers after every joke. After Joesph gets insulted, he goes to drink some wine but baby Jesus turns it into water a la I Dream of Jeannie. Joesph then tries to strangle Jesus but gets told by Gabriel that he needs to allow Jesus to grow up and get persecuted by his own friends. Mary then starts complaining about Jesus crying anytime someone suffers but Joesph can't help because he's watching an orange bowl (Just wait a bit longer, it's not over yet). Joesph decides to entertain Jesus by doing a 3 Stooges bit with one of the wisemen, this causes Jesus to sleep and causes Joesph to utter a line so corny that even sitcom writers would be ashamed (Still not time yet). One of the wisemen then warn Mary and Joesph that King Herod is coming and they need to hide. After another unfunny bit (Seriously, I'm this close to throwing a brick out the window because of how stupid these jokes are) King Herod and his army follow a glow only for it to be a duck with a halo. Joseph then cuts down an evergreen tree and it rolls down the hill, getting all the soldiers and Herod caught on the tree. The tree then stands upright and Mary decides to call it a Christmas Tree (Okay it's time; THIS WHOLE SEGMENT IS BAD COMEDY!)

Oh Christmas Tree, oh Christmas Tree...

I Saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus:
This segment begins with Lisa and Bart watching a bad holiday special when they hear something in the chimney and head over to find out that Grampa was trying to set up a trap to kill Santa Claus. After Bart asks why Grampa wants Santa dead, Grampa reveals that it all started in WWII while he was in the Pacific Theater (Don't ask about continuity with Grampa and WWII, as far as I'm concerned, he'll always be a member of the Flying Hellfish). After Grampa tells the kids about how he was stationed with his brother Cyrus (Never mentioned before and will never be mentioned again. That's good scriptwriting, eh?) we cut to them on an aircraft carrier as they are under attack from Kamikazes. After we see them both board their planes (And see Cyrus' lucky watch ~plot point~) we see Cyrus get shot down because Mr. Burns wasn't manning his turret. After Grampa tries to get vengeance, he gets shot down and crashes into the ocean. Later we see Abe (Yeah I'm just going to call him by his real name during the flashback) try to set up some shelter on the beach but he sees Burns being lazy and Abe is forced to waterboard him until he gets his compliance (Symbolism?)

The newest mission from Call of Duty; Shoot down Santa Claus

After some time, we see them celebrating Christmas and then Burns shoots down what seems like a fighter plane (I'd like to ask how exactly they know when Christmas is? I know some people have a great sense of time, but being on a remote island for months must affect your sense of time somewhat). Abe and Burns go to investigate and find out they shot down Santa Claus. They find out that Santa's sleigh is destroyed and Abe and Burns decide to fix it in the best way possible: a montage (Goody). After fixing the sleigh, Burns takes the sleigh for himself and rides off leaving Abe and Santa on the island (What? Burns is evil? Here I thought he could be trusted). Abe then takes the lone reindeer and chases after Burns, this results is Burns almost shooting Abe down but Abe gets back up and knocks Burns out with a tricycle. Santa then thanks Abe and promises to come back fro him, Abe then looks off in amazement as he witnesses the Atomic bomb being dropped on Hiroshima (Or Nagasaki, not really explained). We cut back to present day where Grampa tells them that he had to make a jet ski out of coconuts to get back to civilization. The kids of course don't believe him and it upsets Grampa even more. He then hears sleigh bells and goes to kill Santa but is too late. Grampa then hears his brother's lucky watch in his stocking as Sanata reveals that Cyrus is still alive. Santa takes Grampa to Tahiti where Cyrus is as Bart and Lisa exchange a IDK look to each other. In Tahiti, we find out that Santa put Grampa off and then it just got embarrassing to go pick him up. We end by finding out that Cyrus has 15 wives (Well that whole scene was necessary).

Oh my God, it's Santa Claus! Oh my God! A shoelace!

The Nutcracker...Sweet: 
We begin with a sign outside of Springfield Elementary telling us that there's a school play based off The Nutcracker inside right now (And it's also called the "Worst version ever", I don't know about that). After the first act ends, everyone in the audience wakes up and rushes out. This causes Mr. Largo to be the audience and boo them in place of the parents. As the family's walking down a road, Homer hopes never to hear The Nutcracker ever again, but Lisa tells him that it's in public domain so they're going to abuse the crap out of it (Okay she doesn't say the second part but that's essentially what she's saying). We then start up with everyone in town participating in "The Marche" with their own lyrics. This then leads into a Krusty Christmas special where he's pelted by snowballs (Next scene!) We then see Moe try to commit suicide to the tune of "Dance of The Flutes" but ends up deciding not to after Barnye gives him a wool cap (Next bit!) We then see Marge give Homer a present and this makes Homer realize that he hasn't gotten Marge a present. He goes out searching for a present to the tune of "Trepak" but ends up with nothing. When Homer gets home he gets Marge's present (To the tune of "Pas De Deux") which turns out to be a present to give to Marge. Marge accepts and we end with Moe on a sled with a banner reading "And to All a Good Night". Really it's over. Wow, that was short. ...Wait, it was 6 minutes? How was I able to get 6 minutes in barely one paragraph?

Is it over yet?

Final Verdict: This episode sucks, the first segment is not funny at all and is just insulting, the second segment is okay but really not worth watching, there are much better things to watch, the third segment had NO substance, it was just Nutcracker music being sung by the main cast and nothing more. As I said, it's not the worst Christmas episode but it's just not worth watching.

Final Grade: 3.0/10 Just watch any other Christmas special.