Monday, May 21, 2012

Episode 22: Lisa Goes Gaga

So... Lady Gaga, what can I say? What can I say about an episode where the main characters feel shoehorned in? It's one thing to have a guest star in an episode, it's another thing to turn the episode into a 30 minute commercial for said guest star that's meant to pander to the fans. But I have a job to do and you all enjoy seeing me suffer (You sick fucks) so, without further ado, let's see how bad this can get and where they insert the "Poker Face" reference.

Opening sequence: 20 seconds (Although it's undercut by the Wii reference, seriously, what is up with their fetish with Wii now?)

The episode begins with someone narrating about the story we're about to get. Oh and it might just be me, but is anyone else thinking Frosty 2 here? Eh it's probably just me. After we go around Springfield seeing random set pieces, er I mean people and places, the "Story" begins on a typical day with Clancy and Ralph at the park as Ralph acts like a dog, and he never appears again(x). But it turns out that a change is coming as apparently all the animals sense it coming, even going as far as chickens laying crystal eggs... why not? I mean, anything's possible in Hollywood, er I mean Springfield. So a woman is quick to point out that this is all because the "Lady Gaga Express" is coming through... let's see 1:18 in and already I hate this episode, kudos writers, usually it takes longer for my will to break. So we see the train (No I will not refer to it by name) as "Poker Face" is playing in the background (I cannot describe just how awful this train is, so you'll just have to believe me when I say it's awful). Inside we see Gaga's backup dancers well dancing as the conductor decides to introduce Lady Gaga (x) for her entrance in the train itself, by the way, is the conductor supposed to be a parody of someone in particular? He reminds me of a tall Gary Coleman for some reason, maybe it's just a generic guy, I don't know.
Okay kiddies, get ready for the newest show on FOX: 'Gaga and Friends' premiering Sunday at 8
So after Lady Gaga gets dressed via robots (Okay that was a bit amusing) Gaga asks about the status report of the trip and the conductor informs her that they'll be passing through Springfield. The conductor then informs LG that Springfield is a quiet suburb (Bullshit! Not the way you guys portray it) and it has the lowest self-esteem of anyplace on the planet. Mainly because of decisions like Homer can't host TWO parties at the same time or Bart can't decide which luxury cruise liner he wants to randomly go on. Those decisions would make ANYONE depressed. So LG decides out of the goodness of her heart (And her bank account) she should make a stop in Springfield. However, her agent tells her she shouldn't go and he'll take her on a plane. LG says no and tells him "Remember what happened at Laguardia?" as we get a flashback of her missing the plane... you think that's bad? Remember the time I- okay you get the point, this is a typical Family Guy cutaway, except there's not even humor here, just a cutaway.
Isn't this just hilarious? Lady Gaga doesn't travel normally at all... LAUGH DAMMIT!
So LG decides that based on a Billboard she'll be stopping in Springfield. The agent tries to warn her, but she says "No buts" as she turns around showing her ass sticking out a bit... tee-hee, that'll amuse the 8 years olds for about 3 minutes. We then cut to Springfield Elementary as the narrator informs us that Lady Gaga's arrival was perfect because Lisa was about to get depressed for the 1489th time this week. I want to note two things here for why this episode sucks up to this point

  1. The Simpsons (The title characters) don't even get mentioned until the 3 minute mark. They should have just called this episode "Gaga and Friends"
  2. Stop playing the depression card, yeah I know you have NO more ideas, but at least try to hide the fact that you're out of ideas
Inside, we see an assembly for student awards as Bart wins "Campus clown" which essentially allows for Bart to be a prankster. Oh my God, the writers actually remembered he's a prankster, and that's the only mention he'll get about that feature for the episode, what a wasted opportunity. Lisa then wins an award for "Least Popular Student" and she gets embarrassed when she accepts it. If you're wondering what I'm doing right now to keep my sanity, I'm watching Summer of 4 Ft 2 and reminding myself that the writers are total hacks who don't understand their characters or humor. I mean "Least Popular Student"? Really? I remember better put downs from Elementary School. I mean this is extremely lazy writing and horrible comedy, it's not that hard for people to pick on Lisa, but that would require more than 5 minutes in front of Microsoft Word, which they don't want to do. So we cut back to Lady Gaga's train as she's wearing a new dress now (No I'm not going to keep count, I just wanted to point out that she changed dresses in the span of a couple of hours for no reason). Anyways, after that pointless scene (But it did provide an animation goof. What's holding this man up? Should be the spike, but you can see that's not it) we see the family (Plus Milhouse) at the dinner table as Lisa mopes some more. 
Milhouse: Thank God my pants can hold so much
However, Milhouse brings his laptop over (Which wasn't seen before) and pulls up the school's forum page. Lisa sees that she has her own topic with a lot of replies, all being positive from a "Truth Teller" (It's Lisa, you spoiled it in the promos). So this gives Lisa some hope and Milhouse denies that he wrote the posts (He didn't it was Lisa). So the next day Lisa is popular and as she basks in the glory of being popular, she drops a notebook that Bart reads outloud and reveals to everyone that Lisa is "Truth Teller". Okay I have to ask a question, why would Bart do that? Why would he expose Lisa after reading it to himself? He might be mean, but he's still her brother and while Bart exposed Lisa to her new friends in Summer of 4 Ft 2, he did that because she was getting all of his attention, not because she was feeling good. He felt like she took his stuff and got popular as a result and she needed to pay, jeez this writing is so very contrived. So because she's been exposed, everyone ridicules her again and this time they call her "Lie Smeller". And the point of "Truth Teller" was... absolutely nothing, seriously, nothing was accomplished and we're back at Lisa being unpopular and being depressed. "Truth Teller" was just a waste of time with no real jokes, let's move on. 
Lisa: *Sniff* I'm going to go write in my LiveJournal about how mean you guys are
So we cut back to LG (Focus, what's that?!) as she's dancing with her backup dancers. During a break, she starts to get a headache and sees a vision of Lisa on the sidewalk moping, thus motivating her to get to Springfield faster... so is this power ever explained? You have too high of standards if you're expecting competency from these guys, it's just a power she has that is used all of twice, never explained and never brought up again. Yeah I know I said "Family Member gains ability" but screw it, this is horrible enough to justify that spot(x). So the trains' back engines (Shaped like bras ha-ha-ha-ha, ugh) fire up and pass by Cletus. This causes Cletus to throw away his whiskey... if the joke ended there, I would have said it was good, but they extend it to the point of unfunny(x). So as everyone gathers around the train, we cut back to Lisa moping in her room listening to "Crawling" (Okay she doesn't do that, but at this point she should).Marge tries to encourage Lisa and so does Homer... for about 3 seconds (Telling her "You want to honk your Jazz Tube? NO! He calls it a "Saxamaphone" that is a defining character trait of him you idiots) until he treats his daughter like a rag doll flipping her upside down multiple times (What's that? The emotional scene at the end of Lisa's Substitute was good? Well we gotta do the exact opposite). 
Child Services then came to arrest Not Homer for treating his daughter like a doll
Oh and Homer gives a horrible explanation for why he's doing what he's doing, so(x) and BINGO! So we cut back to the train station with everyone holding up signs and kissing Lady Gaga's ass with all of them (Eh if "Born This-a Way" counts as "A letter or two was changed" then we got another bingo). So LG appears in a bird dress as she thanks them all for being her "Little Monsters". Which Moe says he's half monster... so does that make the bar rag episode canon? OH DEAR GOD NO! Forget what I said and let's move on. So LG begins a song number as in all honesty, it's not that bad. it's not something I'd want to listen to again, but it's not the worst song in this episode The song is okay, but a lot of the jokes within the song range from bad to terrible, the worst being Mr. Burns and Grampa (Seriously, why is Grampa there? I could buy Burns, but Grampa makes no sense). So Lisa feels better after the song, but the bullies appear just to bully Lisa and Homer doesn't even flinch when they make fun of here(x) (Yeah I count this as Homer disappearing from the scene because he's just a set piece there). So LG feels like her job is done, but out of nowhere her Bullshit powers sense that Lisa downloaded more Linkin Park for her IPod, er I mean she's still depressed (I know I sound like a broken record, but EVERY scene (Save one) that Lisa has been in, she's been depressed. I can't tiptoe around that). 
Looks like LG has an Excedrin headache (This blog has been brought to you by Excedrin) 
So LG spots Lisa and she wants to know what's wrong with her. Lisa says she doesn't want attention as LG shouts to her that they should meet incognito (Yeah, even in context, it's still not funny). By the way, the line she says just emphasizes how lazy the writers are, LG shouts that they should meet at Lisa's house and yet the Simpsons residence is never swarmed by paparazzi, to the writers, everyone in the audience just doesn't exist, and they are treated as nothing more than mannequins, that's the only way this scene works. Anyways, Gaga escapes from the stage and walks off with Lisa without drawing attention whatsoever... moving on. So on the way home, they run into Ned as he has a conversation with LG and it goes nowhere... yeah, at this part of the episode, it stops being frustratingly awful and just becomes mundane and boring, a lot of scenes that go nowehere with no real jokes, but at the same time, nothing really to get mad at. So LG sees the new posts and tells Lisa that everything will be fine, all of this while Lisa is "Face-bedding" (Don't worry Lisa, I had the same reaction when I saw the premise for this episode). So LG tries to cheer Lisa up by having a flash mob give her a message with their cellphones. 
Facebed: When a facepalm and headdesk just cannot express the stupidity onscreen
However it doesn't work and after LG tells them to disperse, they spell out disperse, which pisses off "Just Stamp the Ticket" Guy (Wow, he came out of so many peaceful years of retirement JUST for this? You've reached a new low JSTT Guy). So after LG tells Lisa she's not going to give up, Bart bring Maggie in all dressed up calling her "Baby GooGoo"... nice to know that Maggie too has been included in the list of "Characters who are now set pieces". Later, LG tries to talk to Marge about Lisa as she tries to comfort Marge by grabbing her hands, followed up by making out with her for a second... So first we get a childish ass joke, now a pointless lesbian kiss? Are we sure Brian Kelley didn't leave the show? Seems like his sort of joke. So after a pointless after-sex scene with cringe-worthy dialogue (Again, I do believe that Kelley was a pen name and the writer who used it is still there) we see the next morning that Lisa "snuck out" and Homer decides to eat Lady Gaga's meat dress which will not appear again (Nope, Weird Al did it better, try again). At school (Yeah, Lisa "Snuck out" to go to school, what a load) Lisa is still depressed and is now contemplating whether or not to wear black nails (Again, didn't happen, but it's still the same scene). LG then arrives in a giant egg and she tells her that she's going to end her moping (PLEASE). 
Lisa: In the name of Lovejoy I CAST THEE OUT SATAN!
Lisa however fires back by claiming that LG isn't doing this to make Lisa feel better, but she's doing it to make LG feel better as she starts to mock how Lady Gaga introduced herself to Springfield. I'll admit, that was possibly the best mocking of LG this ENTIRE episode, but then Lisa goes on and spout out more terrible dialogue by repeating "I denounce thee" towards LG (Long: Hey, Lisa's smart, right? Would she say this line? Selman: What? Sure, be sure to have her say it mulitple times though. Long: Wow, genius, that's why you're the boss). This awful dialogue causes LG to start crying diamonds... I got nothing and she runs off. So later, Homer goes to talk to Lisa to try to cheer her up (Make a drinking game out of this, you'll die of alcohol poisoning by the end) Oh by the way, Lisa paces back and forth with a watch on, but as soon as she leaves the treehouse, it's gone. Why was she wearing the watch in the first place? Anyways, after Homer spouts out some meaningless bullshit, Lisa realizes that she's been ungrateful throughout the episode and she needs to find LG. Oh and she mentions how Homer's speech was entirely pointless... much like every scene in this episode, oh fuck this episode, it's almost done. So Lisa catches a departing LG and tells her that because she was able to lash out against LG, she was able to realize that she does have some positives and it's alright to be herself. So in other words Lady Gaga could have been ANYONE and the episode would have worked just the same... and people think this show deserves another season WHY?! 
Lisa: Be sure to buy all of Lady Gaga's albums on ITunes, while you're there, but this episode as well 
So LG is proud of Lisa as she gets her to go inside the train and perform a song simply titled  "Super Star" and my opinion on this one? I've said in the past that Yeardley Smith struggles singing as Lisa and this is no exception. I'm sorry Ms. Smith, I love Lisa as I've mentioned before, but the one thing I've always disliked is her singing. Her singing was okay, sometimes good in the 90's, but it's just horrible today. Heck it doesn't sound so much like singing as much as talking with the beat. And in terms of songs involving musical guest stars, well let's just say it's no "Lisa it's your birthday" in terms of memorability, you're not going to hum this on your way to work. So after the song, Moe chases the train down and asks for LG to help him. She says no and Moe gets hit by a train while Gaga waves. But don't worry, he'll be back in next season's premiere titled Despicable Moe. The episode ends with Lisa happy (Goody) and the narrator telling us that he was one of Lady Gaga's dancers. Before the credits, we see a preview for the fact that Maggie is getting a short adventure before Ice Age 4 where she'll be animated in 3D *Cough*Treehouse of Horror VI*Cough* and over the credits, Homer is singing his own version of Poker Face simply called "Homer Face" which sounds like a cat getting run over by a steamroller... it's over! Be free everyone! The terror is finally done!

Final Verdict: Everything leading up to this indicated it would suck, and they didn't disappoint. After a 30 minute Lady Gaga promo with little humor and repetitive scenes, the last thing I want to do is listen to one of her songs in the near future. This was meant to be nothing more than a marketing gimmick in the hopes of raising the ratings, but that failed miserably when the ratings came out with 4.79 million, making it the 4th least watched of all time.

Final Grade: 0.3/10 I debated whether this was worse than the bar rag and thinking about it, yes, yes it was worse than a talking bar rag. The Season 23 review will be up next week.


  1. Was it "wii" or "zii," AKA the laziest parody name ever?

    1. Can I just tell myself they used "wii" and thus convince myself that nobody could be that pathetic in their parodies?

    2. You can. And if anyone is that pathetic in their parodies, I'll clamp 'em!

  2. lol such an humorless dick with a sanded vagina.
    get a life loser

    1. What a deep, well thought out response. But I have a question for you. Shouldn't you be preparing for your 5th grade graduation coming up?

    2. Kriken you idiot, how could you give this a 0.3? it seems too high for such a shit episode. Also, I think it was worse than "Lisa the Drama Queen", cause that episode had some sort of plot with it.

  3. Lady Gaga Shushes and Walks Straight and Walks Softly into the Springfield Elementary School Playground and Sees Ten Children in the Playground and Roars Like the Dragon at Ten Children When Ten Children Start to Scream and Run Off.