Monday, January 10, 2011

Episode 10: Mom's I'd Like to Forget

Today we look at an episode where the premise is just plain stupid and it seems like there's no possible way to salvage it. I don't think that even the writing staff of season 4 could save it, it's just so retarded. But it's okay, we have the Brian Kelley seal of quality attached to this episode so... wait... I quit *leaves*. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll give a quick history lesson; Brian Kelley cannot write a decent episode to save his ass!!! I hate his writing, I hate his episodes and I hate the fact that he's still on the staff, trust me his day WILL come on "Hate Month" here, but his name along with a couple of others are the LJN of writing, the Asylum of episodes. In short, Brian Kelley is my Joe Quesada and I never feel good whenever I see his name on the screen. With all that out of the way, let's see how badly he can botch this episode.

After a long opening (I'm eventually going to stop this, only after they stop making openings that are 1:30 in length) we see a dodgeball match between the 4th graders and the 5th graders is about to begin (Crap, this show's already detracting me, I could be watching an episode of Recess instead). We then get a dream montage of Bart winning the match and what happens after he wins (What exactly is the point of all this? Oh right, I forgot, there doesn't need to be a point for storytelling, just padding). Anyways, in reality, Bart misses the 5th grader and his two remaining teammates get knocked out, but in typical Invincible Hero fashion, Bart seemingly wins the match for the 4th grade (Which causes Nelson to dump Gatorade on Ms. Krabappel, no good reason, he just does it).
Prepare to die Vince, er I mean Bart
But because this show doesn't believe in physics, the ball finally drops from the sky and the 5th grader catches it, winning the match (Taking bets now on how utterly pointless this turns out to be). The next day, we see the 4th graders and the 5th graders in the hall in a standoff, this leads into a bunch of scenes where the 4th and 5th graders take shots at each other (Screw it! I'm watching Recess instead *leaves*) Okay I'm back, where were we? Oh right, all this bickering causes a huge fight in the teachers lounge because they themselves have the maturity of the classes they teach (We're already over 5 minutes in and there is still no semblance of a usable plot. It's especially jarring considering that we've never even seen the 5th grade on the show before). After more banter from the 5th graders (Because it never gets stale) Bart challenges them to a rumble. After more unfunny padding (Thank you Brian Kelley, thank you) Bart sets down the ground rules for the rumble and they begin (With Chalmers and Skinner watching from a distance. Does Chalmers just live in the school now or are the writers just incapable of giving him any character outside of berating Skinner?) As the rumble begins, the 5th grader (You know what, until named, I'm calling him Bob) throws a punch and Bart notices a scar on Bob's hand resembling a sword toothpick.
If you like this tattoo, you should see the one on my ass
Bart asks about it and reveals he has the exact same scar on his hand... (WHAT THE FUCK WRITERS?! You know I can suspend my disbelief enough for the whole 5th graders that we are apparently supposed to know, but this is massive bullshit. This is the equivalent of finding a long lost brother when you're in your 50's by bumping into him at your grocery store. You see why I hate the man so much? He puts NO effort into thinking this stuff through, I'm willing to bet my house that the end result will be so lazy that it just makes the whole scar thing even less connecting to the two). Anyways, Willie then buts in for an unfunny joke as the act ends with Bart and Bob staring at their hands (Making the entire conflict between the two grades, you guessed it; entirely pointless). Bart then asks the bullies if they gave it to him but they tell him no (Well that's another pointless scene and that calls for a shot... oh wait wrong theme). After seeing Homer being Homer (Dumb unsympathetic idiot version) Bart asks Marge about the scar and Marge starts telling him about how it happened (With a convenient picture book in the bathroom, what you don't keep yours there? You must keep yours in a closet or something *Scoffs*)
Let's see what the script has in store for us this week
Marge tells Bart that she was friends with 3 women and Bart was friends with their sons who were all bad influences on Bart (I've seen Bart when he was a toddler, he wasn't a choir boy himself Marge). After Marge tells Bart that she had a falling out with her friends, Bart asks why they don't get back together, Marge thinks about it and decides to get back with them (When in doubt, write lazy excuses for why we never see these new characters. I'm glad they don't feel the need to put effort into this). After Homer does the taxes on the toilet (It's as stupid as it sounds) we see Marge with her old friends in their group called "The Cool Moms" (Great, the effort meter just flatlined). After no development for the parents, we see that all four boys have the same scar (This episode has inspired me, I'm going to go out in the world and look for all people who have scars similar to my own) and then they jump out of the tree on their skateboards (OMG! Character development! The boys are all troublemakers and, oh wait we already knew this, nevermind false alarm).
Why can't we do anything for this episode?
The next morning, Marge tells Bart that they're going to have another get-together and Bart seems less than thrilled about it. Marge then is told by her friends that they should meet every Tuesday and Marge gladly agrees (With a stupid brain joke. I'm getting too old for this shit). Homer hears Marge coming home at 12:10 AM and we see Marge drunk and not even tired (The only thing Brian Kelley can get right; Character derailment). After another pointless scene of the parents being together (Seriously, this is just so boring, it's giving me no material) we see Bart getting made fun of by his new friends (Who I still don't know, say Brian, if you want me to give a rat's ass. Give me a reason to care!) Lisa then sees Bart doing a dare for the boys and she tells him that he needs to get Marge away from the women. Bart concludes it has something to do with the scar on his hand (Which is still never explained how HE NEVER SAW IT BEFORE IN HIS LIFE!!!) After Dr. Hibbert tells Bart to go see Comic Book Guy, he and Lisa head over to him where CBG decides to tell bart about how he got it (After threatening a rare comic book. Odd how this episode indicates that Bart's had this scar his entire life yet in ALL the times he's gone to the store, CBG NEVER DECIDED TO TELL HIM ABOUT IT!! I'm sorry, but this episode's really pissing me off, must be the Kelley effect).
Give us a coherent plot or I'll ruin this comic book
CBG tells Bart that the scar happened 7 years ago on July 4th at the 4th of July picnic for Springfield. After a lot of unfunny jokes (Please kill me now) we see that CBG was in charge of the fireworks display and Marge and her group were in the audience with their kids. Bart and the boys then snuck off to the fireworks controls where they pressed all the buttons causing the fireworks to all go off at once and cause chaos. One of the fireworks made it back to the control panel destroying CBG's sandwich and causing the four sword shaped toothpicks to explode off and land on all of the boys hands... THAT IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!!! Let me count the ways this makes no sense in the slightest:
  1. There were 4 toothpicks for the sandwich no more, no less, how convenient
  2. I'm no scientist but they all happened to superheat instead of melting like the plastic they are
  3. They all happened to land on each boy's hands and stay there long enough to cause said scar
  4. That's not the way fireworks work, they don't head back when dozens are all shot off at once
  5. Bart can remember back to when he was 2 or 3 but he can't remember this?!
  6. Why doesn't Bart EVER question why he has this scar on his hand?
  7. This causes the whole "Connection" to make even less sense as it was purely coincidence that they all got the scar on their hands instead of it being intentional to connect them for life
Class act our Mr. Kelley, classy
    I'm sorry if it seems like I'm nitpicking but this episode is terrible. Anyways, Bart decides to make a new explosive to cause the moms to separate, but Marge catches Bart making it and Milhouse runs away (Nice to know he was vital). Bart tells Marge the truth and Marge gets angry that he wants her as a mother again and she can't be with her friends (I hate your character derailment Brian). After Bart explodes the fireworks anyways (With Homer being an idiot *Bites tongue*) Marge then tells her group about Bart's plan as the other women accuse Bart of being the bad apple. Marge defends Bart as she decides to leave because they insulted her son (Which leads to the 3 remaining women making out after she leaves... FUCK YOU BRIAN KELLEY!!!) Bart and Lisa comfort Marge about losing her friends as Marge tells the kids that Homer ended up staying with the fathers (As they do what they've done the entire episode: NOTHING!)

    Final Verdict: This episode sucks, the plot is stupid, there is no coherence anywhere to be found, the pacing is abysmal and plot elements are dropped almost as quickly as they are added. The jokes are terrible, the writing is lazy and horrible and the episode is boring, I've just got one thing to say about this:
    Brian Kelley, YOU'RE! A! HACK!!!!

    Final Grade: 1.7/10 Talk about a title that's just a word off from what we all feel. This is truly an episode I'd like to forget.


    1. i agree, this episode truly was shit.brian kelley cant write for his life and this episode didnt make any sense.i really wish we had season 8 style writing back...

    2. To me, the worst part was how they explained the scars.they build up false suspense only to explain it with one thing:
      Are the just retarded?